2 be or not 2 be sensitive?

G

getnfit@38

Cathlete
Hi everybody, I've been pondering this question for a while now and I've decided I can't figure it out alone so I'm turning to you guys for your valuable input!
My youngest daughter, Sara, is 17 y/o and what many would consider "thick." She isn't fat, but she is getting a bit "beefier" as these teen years have rolled by, and I'm afraid that her eating patterns are going to take her to where mine took me~375lbs.
When she eats with her father and I, she eats a well balanced meal, but most of her meals are not with us since she eats lunch at school (lunch meat hoagie/fries/cookie/juice) or (cheeseburger/fries/cookie/soda/juice) and she works after school in a pizza shop and eats dinner there most nights, pizza or a chicken cheesesteak sub/fries being her favorites. And understand, we are not talking about a slice of pizza, Sara will devour at least 4 slices before even entertaining the idea of,"I've had enough!"
She watches me figure out the meals, not just counting calories and fat, but servings of veggies,grains,proteins,dairy, etc., as each meal is pre-planned so I know what I'm eating for the day. She sees me exercise, she has commented on how proud she is of me for the weight I've lost, but she doesn't see what she's doing to herself. Sara weighs 170lbs right now, she's 5'5", and like I said, she's not "fat" on the outside, she wears 170lbs really well, because she just looks "thick," but I know from experience where she's headed.
So after watching her consume 1520 calories/89gfat in ONE MEAL the other day (she had 4 hot dogs/can chili/4 buns/and fried the hotdogs in butter!) I actually did the math bevause I was curious.
So~do I play tough and brow beat her into a healthier eating style? Or do I just continue to gently mention her caloric intake as I have and have her look at me like, "mother~please!"
And for those of you wondering~NO SHE IS NOT ACTIVE AT ALL! Sara's idea of exercise is walking to the corner for the school bus!
What do I do? If she would just start to care about her body now at this age, she could benefit from it for life! I only wish my family had loved me enough to hurt my feelings early in life, then maybe I would never have gotten up to 375lbs.! I love my daughter, but should I be cruel to be kind?
ALL input appreciated, because I really don't know which way to go on this!
Thanks, Donna
 
RE: A Non-Parent's $0.02

Hi, Donna! Let's preface this response with the fact that I am not a parent (by choice), but I've been a teen - we all have - with a weight and body image problem that everyone thought was their business rather than my own.

I would think your best course of action is to continue to provide healthy food choices for your daughter, continue to work toward a healthier and fitter you, begin to encourage your daughter to become physically active by inviting her to join you in your workouts, or become knowledgeable about teen fitness activities . . . and leave it there. She's gonna make her own choices increasingly, and there's only so much you can do to influence these choices.

Teens hit a point, rather quickly, where they will tell you the sky is red if you tell them it's blue. This is even more so in the case of mothers+daughters and fathers+sons, i.e. same sex parents/children.

When I was a teenager, my mother (who was significantly overfat and sedentary herself) criticized me relentlessly about my body size, and often this criticism was only thinly veiled with concern and trying to be "helpful". I believe this contributed to a pretty serious bulemic period in my life. I'm not blaming my mother, but I am saying that I do believe she was in part displacing her own body image issues onto me as well as trying to exhibit parental concern.

ACTIONS ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I think the actions you're taking for your health and fitness will register with your daughter far more positively and productively than words. And I think your trying to help your daughter become more active by inviting her to work out with you or participate more in phys. ed. will work a lot better than the motherly monitoring of food intake.

Just my $.02. Good luck.

Annette
 
Agree with Annette

I think Annette has made some really good points - mainly that your healthy lifestyle makes you a wonderful role model for your daughter. Also, inviting her to do physical activities with you - even going for a walk or a bike ride, or encouraging her to do active things with her friends would be good. But I don't think you can force her to change her eating habits or physical activity. By making food an issue, she may develop a very unhealthy relationship with food - discovering that certain foods are "forbidden" and maybe starting to sneak or binge on those foods. This could also harm your relationship with her because she may feel that you don't accept her as she is.
I do understand that it is hard for you to stand by and watch your daughter make mistakes that could cause her to experience the same pain that you did. That is a scary thing for a parent because you want to spare her those feelings.
Best wishes!
Erica
 
RE: A Non-Parent's $0.02

Hi,
I wonder whether it will work if she takes her own lunch
from home (to school) - then you can make sure it is healthy and low in fat. Just a thought ... Also, I would consider helping her to find a different part-time job - for me it would be tough to resist pizza if I were working in a pizza shop ...
As for exercise, find out what she likes - if she 'd rather go to gym and take some classes - get her a weekly gym membership to so that she could try it; if she showed some interest in your video tapes - get her some fun ones - maybe she will get hooked. Or go cycling or jogging together? I totally agree with Anette - just don't criticize ... Just my unexperienced opinion :)

Best of luck,
Olga
 
I can not say that this is necessarily what I would recommend for you. This IS an incredibly sensitive area. But...

About 12 years ago, my FATHER who hardly ever said much at all to me when I was younger, told me I was getting fat. I promptly lost 20-30 pounds thru diet and exercise and have kept it off ever since.

I don't know if it would have been the same coming from a female. I don't know it would have been the same if my dad and I were closer. ALl I know is it worked for me.

Jeanne (not a parent)
 
RE: Agree with Annette

Hi, I want to stop here and respond since both of you have the same viewpoint basically. I never thought about Sara developing an eating disorder or feeling like I don't accept her "as is" so I thank you both for your "big picture" viewpoint! I've only been seeing things from one perspective (my own) and not thinking about how something I say, no matter how well meaning, could be taken differently by Sara.
I have asked her to work out with me in the past, only to be turned down with the usual, "exercise makes me sweat, and you know I hate to sweat MMMMOOOOMMMMM!"
But I will try again, and I've toyed with the idea of getting a treadmill or bike (tax refund permitting :)) and that may be something she would do on her own, and in her own time.
Thank you both for the reality check! I'd rather have her eating chili dogs than developing bulimia or some other potentially life threatening eating disorder.
Donna
 
Thank you all for your input, and this is the reason I love this forum so much~people care, and show you they care!
It isn't bad enough that as parents we have to worry about some NUT kidnapping your child, caretaker molesting your child, your child not looking both ways before they cross the street, falling out of a d@#* tree and breaking their neck, but then they become teenagers and want to do EVERYTHING the opposite of what you want them to do!
I just know that I want to spare her unnecessary pain and anguish. It's so hard knowing that if she only got interested in physical activity now, she could not only be healthier, but easily sculpt a great figure!
But I will take in all advice and remember that I have tunnel vision and I will "take it easy" on the subject and see what develops. :)
Thanks, Donna

P.S. And it really doesn't help that her "new" little boyfriend says, "I like my women with meat on their bones"

"GAG ME!" :)
 
Donna, I agree with everyone's post (not a parent myself) but just wanted to add that maybe your daughter would take an interest in swimming (no sweating). It may not be the best cardio workout, but it beats nothing at all. A lot of the local schools will post a schedule for public swimming, if you don't want to fork over a gym or Y membership.
Just a thought.
Jeanne W
 
I am a mother of an almost 3-year-old boy who has enough stubborness for everyone. I shudder to think of him in his teen years. Since my teen years I have always had to fight being pudgy (30 pounds or so) and my daddy always pointed that fact out. He was not trying to be mean and I KNOW that he loved me immensely. Just the same it really hurt my feelings and I will probably never totally forget how I felt when he said things to me about it. That being said, I lost the weight. I still fight the same demons every day because I love to eat. Right now I have about 15 pounds that need to leave me and I am working on it. I do have body image issues but I'm not sure if that is a direct result of my daddy and or just plain me.

Since I am not a mother of a teenager I'm not sure that I could really advise you but can just go by my own experience. Even though I lost the weight I am not sure that my dad's "method" is the most productive. I think the best you can do is be an example and offer good food at home. She will have to make this decision for herself. We all have to get to a point where we say enough is enough and start taking care of ourselves. No one, not even a loving mother, can make that decision for us.

I hope your daughter realizes she needs good health very soon and makes better food choices. It's hard even for adults to do that much less teenagers. Good luck. :)

Kelly http://www.sgtfuzzbubble99.homestead.com/files/Smilies/De_Niro/eeyore.gif
 
RE: Agree with Annette

Hi Donna! Great thread. It's nice to know that you really care about your daughter's weight. I was exactly like your daughter when I was a teenager. I had issues with sweat too, but I discovered that my problem was working out with others. Some people don't have a problem working out with others but I do. So I started to exercise with videos, alone and in my own time. I think that there are a lot of great video choices out there. (you don't want her to start with Cathe right away) and she might exercise in her room without anybody bothering her. Buying an exercise bike (maybe spinning bike and spinning videos) or treadmill is also a great idea. And even your hubby can use them too!

You really shouldn't be a "typical mom" nagging about her sedentary lifestyle and eating habits. When my mom used to do that what I did was eat more pizza and be even more lazy. For real that is what teenagers do. And another thing she doesn't really need you to be on her back about her weight. You think her friends and others (non-family) don't tell her the "oh you have such a pretty face if only you could lose weight" or the "if you keep eating like that when you get out of college you're gonna be huge" kinda lines? I bet she gets those lines all the time and she really doesn't need to get them from her mom. The problem is that she's only 17. When I was her age I was yo-yo ing with my weight all the time and the at the heaviest I was maybe 20 lbs overweight and that wasn't a lot because I seemed to gain it on not that noticeable places. But when I was a freshman in college those 20 became 30 and I couldn't lose them that easily anymore. That's why your daughter needs to do something now.

Finally, I think that you should continue eating healthy and exercising around her. She will eventually get bitten by the health nut bug. But you should talk to your husband too cause if he eats pepperoni pizza while you're eating garden salad around her I don't think your daughter is going to eat the salad. Well you get the idea. This turned out to be an ultra long reply...Oh well....Good luck with everything :)
 
I am the parent of two teenage girls aged 14 and 18. My older daughter is very athletic and has run track and cross country throughout high school. She uses Cathe tapes to weight train and cross train. She wants to do Crew next year at college. She watches what she eats and tries to limit junk food. At 5'4" she is 125 lbs and all muscle.

My younger daughter is more of a couch potato and at 5'6" weights around 165 pounds. Lately on her own she has been trying to limit portions and eat fewer desserts. I make it an effort to buy fruit and heathy snacks that she likes. She told me that she would like to belly dance. When I was at Target, I found a tape on sale for her. She also likes to do Tae Bo. We have also agreed that we will limit her TV and computer time to encourage her to move around more. We do not discuss weightloss. She has set her goal not gain any more weight. In fact since September, just by changing her life style she has lost 10 pounds. I helped my daughter come up with her own game plan and helped her figure out how to impliment it.

I believe that teens have decide on their own what they will eat. As parents we can only offer suggestions if asked.

However in my house, I try to keep mostly healthy foods. We should buy stock in Pirates Booty. I go to Costco and buy a lot of fruit. When I buy ice cream, I make sure I buy ice cream sandwiches or bars which are already portioned out. I make salads and veggies every night for dinner. I buy frozen low calorie entrees for them to eat for snack when they are starving.

I agree that I might be smart for your daughter to find another part-time job which does not involve food.

I also agree that it would be good to pack a healthy lunch from home. My daughters do this for themselves the night before. I buy boxes and bottles of unsweetened juice. I always try to have prepackaged, low fat options in the house for them to pack. Before I go to the grocery store I always ask them if there is anything special they want me to get for them.

See Saw Dieting is very dangerous. Teenage eating disorder are rampant. In the end, helping your daughter to feel good about her self and lead a healthy life style is the best thing you can do for her.

Now my husband is another story.........

Hope this helps! :7

Rhonda
 
Hi Donna,

I don't pretend to have an answer but would like to point out that overeating is also an eating disorder. There are different health risks than anorexia & bulimia, but there are still serious health risks associated with an unhealthy diet, overeating & lack of exercise. So it's a serious matter.

Good luck.
Debra
 
Donna, I'm not sure what advice to offer...I don't have kids (by fate.) These are just some thoughts off the top of my head.

Maybe you could engage your daughter in some healthy activities that are disguised as fun. Roller skating, bike riding, frisbee throwing...etc..

I read at VF a week or two ago that there's some popular gaming trend called Dance Dance...something. Anyway, it sounds like a blast! Initially, there is an expense buying the hardware and software, but can you place on price on health?

I do have nieces and a nephew that are now, or that are going to, experience weight and health issues. It's extremely frustrating to me because I don't know how to approach the issue.
They have had poor role models (my sister and BIL are innactive and smoke.) The best thing that you can do is set a great example for your daughter, and you are.
 
I've been raising teenage daughters for about 10 years now. DO NOT EVER DISCUSS body problems with them-tell them they are beautiful. They here bad stuff in school and from their peers, they need unconditional support from you.

But DO discuss exercise and eating healthy for her heart. I don't mean this in a bad way but golly that supper you described was atrocious! Get rid of the hotdogs, the chili and NEVER let your children fry anything in butter! Don't even have it in the house. Only buy healthy foods. You can't stop them from eating junk when they're outside the house, but you can completely control what is available inside your house. And never mention weight-only keeping her arteries whistle clean! Believe me it works.
 
From a former anorexic teenager (during the Kennedy-Johnson administrations, 1963-1964), I suggest NOT browbeating her, or letting Dad or anyone else call her fat. I was 5'5", weighed 120 lbs, and some kid called me fat when I was 12 or 13....that's all it took to get me into a tail-spin that took me to 90-some lbs.

One day she will realize herself that she needs to clean up her eating and work out, and she will have you to run to when it dawns on her. Few of us has a genuine perspective on how we REALLY look, and that includes the ones that are overweight.

I would suggest keeping your cupboards and frig a good-food zone, keep up your own exercise, and just be ready when she asks for your help. It may or may not happen, and if it does happen it may not happen for years. Just be patient with her.

I have an overweight son (who could lose 50 lbs.), and he KNOWS he's overweight, he just needed to know himself that the time was right. I'd given him some Taebo tapes, and he's finally using them.

To put it in a nutshell....let her come to you WHEN SHE'S READY. Overeating is an addiction just like drinking too much or smoking. The abuser has to be ready to stop him or her self.
 
Worst-case scenario: So she continues in her sedentary and over-eating habits and ends up at 375 like you did. YOU overcame it, didn't you?? I don't know your story but if you're hanging out on Cathe's forum, you must be pretty fit!! So if she digs herself a hole as deep as you did, TRUST that if you could dig out, so can she! And she will have the advantage of a supportive mom who has been there done that, which I doubt you did. I agree with all who have said "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!" --our kids needs that SO desperately in this mean world. If the worst case happens, have faith that she can do what you did. As her mom you would spare her that "unnecessary" pain. . . But our pains and struggles are what develop us into deep-thinking, deep-feeling, caring, and insightful people.

I've found that when I can face the worse-case scenario without flinching, it brings me to a place of peace with a situation. So think it through. The worst-case is still not the end of the world, and you as her loving mom will still and always be there to help her when SHE is ready to be helped. But I bet it won't come to that, because you are already doing the most powerful thing a parent can do: setting a good example.

(my personal disclaimer: I'm not a parent of teen either, I have three girls and my oldest just turned 10)
 
From the bottom of my heart I thank you all for your support/guidance/advice. :)
I've decided to do the following, based on all the good advice given:
1) No longer buy ANY of the foods I know are poor choices for her, and instead of having the "my food/your food" shelves in the pantry and fridge, it will all be "healthy/good for US" foods, so although she can still get a chili dog at school or 7-11, she won't be able to get it at home.
2) Not browbeat her or even discuss her weight
3) Continue to ask her to join me in working out (she may say yes one day out of pure boredom :))
4) Try to find a fun activity or two we can do together (watch her chose rollerblading, I can't even manage an 8" step and my big a-- will have to be on tiny wheels?)
5) WAIT~ I'll just wait until the day she comes to me if that day ever comes, until then, I'll just be supportive and try to lead by example and super glue my lips shut when I see her eating something horrific.
Thanks to eveyone :)
Donna
 
Hi, Donna,

You are already doing the best thing for her by modelling the type of lifestyle you ultimately hope she'll lead. Since I am something of a fitness nut, my girls (11 and soon to be 13) are quite used to hearing me drop tidbits of information about improving the diet for health and longevity. I also encourage activity. My 11 year old is the couch potato and a junk food lover and could indeed end up quite plump. She is a child of humor and she has a great self-image so I don't worry that I'll mess that up by cautioning her because it's mostly her inactivity I worry about. In their teens they don't always act on the advice they get from their parents but those good habits are there for her to see and I feel certain that as adults they will be more likely to live a healthful lifestyle like their mom! I would though intervene in a moment if my child put herself at risk for obesity with all its associated problems. Because obesity and anorexia are both problems no child should have to deal with. So I guess my advice is educate her with all that you are learning as you go through your wonderful metamorphosis. Do it casually but show her the connection between the choices we make and our health. Love her and guide her and she'll be fine!
 
One comment on the chili dog:

Try: Low fat chicken or turkey dogs

Fat Free chili

Low fat hot dog buns

Reduced fat cheese

Alot of diced onions

I other words make the changes gradually and see how it goes!

Good Luck!


Rhonda
 
Well I read this post last night and had to think about my response. I think you have received some very thoughtful responses and I am just going to add in my .02

To let you know this is where I come from. I do not have children. However I teach. I teach student who are not at grade level and my job is to get them to grade level.

I think there is something to be said about honesty. At the beginning of the year I sit down with my kids and have an honest discussion with them. I explain to them why they are in my class, what we have to do and they I will take them there if they want to go. Like I tell them if the want to climb the mountain I will strap them on my back and help them get there if that is what it is going to take. We only have this converasation once.

So how does this translate. I think that if you haven't had a heart to heart with your daughter you should. Explain your concerns without nagging on her (Yes, this is possible) and now here is the biggie tell her you will be there for her and be her biggest cheerleader throughout it all no matter what her decision. Then drop it. Don't nag her about her weight or have the conversation again. But provide you support in gentle gestures of asking her to exercise if she wants and being a role model and her biggest cheerleader.

This approach works with the students I work with and maybe it will work with your daughter.

I think she is extremely fortunate to have such a caring mother and excellent role model in her life. You have no idea how powerful your actions are to her. I see everyday how powerful parents actions are and even my own.

You could think about it that way to. She saw you behave one way for years and years and years and now you have changed it may take her awhile to mesh those two views togther and follow you new example.

Once again just my .02
 
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