Smoking at bus stop!

M

melis077

Member
I need help! I just moved to my neighborhood in June and I have a five year old that just started school. At my daughters bus stop there is only myself and this other mommy. She smokes at the morning and afternoon pick up. I do not want to have bad relations with my neighbors, I want this to be done anonymously. I decided to call the bus garage and have them pick up my daughter in front of our house but, the bus can not fit around the loop on our road. I do not like conflict! Anytime I have asked someone not to smoke they get really defensive. I can not believe there is not a law to protect our right to be healthy and safe. I have anxiety over talking to her about this:( I welcome any suggestions!
 
Is the bus stop an enclosed area? If not, there really isn't much you can do about it. If you are standing outside, I don't think it's right to ask her not to smoke. JMO. I'm not a smoker and never have been, and quite frankly inconciderate smokers offend me, but as long as I'm outside and can get out of the wind from them, they can go ahead and pollute their lungs as much as they want.
 
My personal favorite tactic is to very obviously move away from them, upwind. Not that she'll care, but if she says anything, I would just say "I don't want my child exposed to second-hand smoke, we take our good health seriously." I don't completely understand why we non-smokers are put in the position of feeling uncomfortable or like we have to be so cautious of the feelings of people who clearly don't give a damn about us (or themselves). If someone should feel that way, it should be them. Smoking is not a natural state of being.
 
I agree with the others. One thing you may try is stating that you and your daughter have asthma and the 2nd hand smoke is very dangerous for your health. then hand her a quit smoking pamphlet... just kidding!!!
 
I have a pretty high tolerance for outdoor smokers depending on where it is. I guess that comes from having a BF who smokes. But smoking at the school bus stop is just plain cluelessness. Personally, I wouldn't say anything in front of the kids because it might embarrass them. Maybe you could just have friendly conversation with her and eventually you will feel comfortable asking her to wait for the kids to leave before she smokes.
 
If the subject comes up when you move away from her while she smokes, ask her if she's ever thought about quitting. If so, become her support buddy and encourage her to make more healthy choices. What a great example she would set for her child if she was able to quit!

Being an ex-smoker, I have to admit that the support from my friends, family and co-workers was my number one motivator and the key to my success. It has been 7 years since I quit.

Good luck!
 
I would just be honest, but polite, with her. Tell her that you and your daughter are sensitive to cigarette smoke and ask if she would not smoke at the school bus stop.

Just curious, have you ever talked to this neighbor before? When I move to a new place, I make it a point to go and visit each neighbor (usually with a some fruit or homemade bread or something), so that I can introduce myself and say something like: "By the way, if there's something that we are doing that is disturbing you and your family, please come talk to us about it. We want to have open communication with you and be good neighbors." This gets the relationship off on the right foot and makes it so that when our neighbors are bugging us, WE can go talk to THEM and they are not offended because we already have a relationship with them.
 
I'm with you, I would not like the confrontation either. And I kind of feel someone this clueless and kind of selfish may not be that be receptive to this request. I would end up just standing further away from her, and talking very badly about her to my DH everyday :p. I think it's absurd she needs to light up in front of her and your children and can't just wait the few minutes until after the kids get on the bus. When I read the title, I figured you meant a grownup bus stop.
 
bigbadbrandini said:
If the subject comes up when you move away from her while she smokes, ask her if she's ever thought about quitting. If so, become her support buddy and encourage her to make more healthy choices. What a great example she would set for her child if she was able to quit!

Being an ex-smoker, I have to admit that the support from my friends, family and co-workers was my number one motivator and the key to my success. It has been 7 years since I quit.

Good luck!
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I'm not an ex smoker, but my DH is. He smoked for 40 years. This is just my opinion, but I would NEVER ask someone if they ever thought about quitting. Of course they've thought about it. I know how incredibly tough it is to quit. That question would seem very passive aggressive to me.

I'm not saying to not support her in any effort she might put forth to quit, but it is definitely overstepping personal boundaries to bring it up.

I'm kind of with the others on this who say that smoking outside is pretty much her right to do. If it bothers you, the best thing to do is stand far enough away from her that the smoke doesn't affect you.

It's definitely clueless of her to be smoking at a child's bus stop, but we can't always control what others do! :)

ETA: Upon further thought, maybe I'm overly sensitive about the "have you ever thought about quitting" question because of the things people used to say to ME about my DH smoking. "Why can't you make him stop?", was one of the most common ones. Or, "Doesn't he WANT to stop?" The ignorance of those two comments still astounds me to this day!!
 
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JeanneMarie said:
I'm not an ex smoker, but my DH is. He smoked for 40 years. This is just my opinion, but I would NEVER ask someone if they ever thought about quitting. Of course they've thought about it. I know how incredibly tough it is to quit. That question would seem very passive aggressive to me.

I'm not saying to not support her in any effort she might put forth to quit, but it is definitely overstepping personal boundaries to bring it up.

I'm kind of with the others on this who say that smoking outside is pretty much her right to do. If it bothers you, the best thing to do is stand far enough away from her that the smoke doesn't affect you.

It's definitely clueless of her to be smoking at a child's bus stop, but we can't always control what others do! :)

ETA: Upon further thought, maybe I'm overly sensitive about the "have you ever thought about quitting" question because of the things people used to say to ME about my DH smoking. "Why can't you make him stop?", was one of the most common ones. Or, "Doesn't he WANT to stop?" The ignorance of those two comments still astounds me to this day!!
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No, I think you're right--I'm an ex-smoker (actually I call myself a recovering nicotine addict b/c after 7 years I still think about it every single day :confused:), & it always annoyed me when people suggested I quit b/c yes, I thought about it all the time & have been an avid exerciser for my entire adult life (sadly started smoking before I started exercising, & they were provided to me free of charge by dear old dad). Actually, my favorite line was "smoking is bad for you." I always answered "really? I'd never heard that before." DUH!

But I don't think it's out of line if you politely asked her to refrain from doing it around your daughter. As long as it's done nicely, b/c smokers are more defensive every day now that they're not allowed to do it pretty much anywhere. I mean, how long are you standing at the bus stop? I'm pretty sure she can go 10-15 minutes without her ciggies. ;)

You can also check your state & local laws. My town is getting ready to pass an ordinance prohibiting smoking at our municipal pool. Some states & towns have already prohibited smoking in public areas. Depending on where the bus stop is, she might be breaking the law.
 
I have to agree with Debbie (FitnessFreak) on this one. You are outside. It is her right to smoke outside. Government regulation hasn't gotten that strict yet :). My favorite is that now that smoking is banned in restaurants here, all the smokers stand right outside the door and smoke. You have to walk the gauntlet to get in the front door!

Having said that, I think it is icky for her to smoke at a bus stop when children are present. In the afternoon while waiting, I can see. However, in the morning with you and your daughter (and her child) there, is not good. I don't like passive/agressive behavior or behind the back tactics. If you don't like her smoking, you should say something. If you believe strongly about something, you should stand up for your belief and act on it.

Carrie
 
I agree with Jeanie - to me, asking a smoker if they've every thought about quitting would be like asking an overweight person if they've ever thought about losing weight...or asking a skinny person if they want you to make them a hamburger. Waaaay over the line, IMO, and almost sure to trigger a defensive reaction, even if they HAVE thought about it.

I'm not a smoker, and I have kids, so it's not that I don't understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't want anyone smoking around my kids either - or ME, for that matter (I don't want that smell stuck in my hair and clothes!!). I think it's totally appropriate to ask her to stop smoking at the bus stop, but if you do speak to her, try to keep it light and non-confrontational - if the bus stop is a public place and there's no ban on outdoor smoking in your area, she has the right to do what she's doing.
 
Fitnessfreakk366 said:
Is the bus stop an enclosed area? If not, there really isn't much you can do about it. If you are standing outside, I don't think it's right to ask her not to smoke. JMO. I'm not a smoker and never have been, and quite frankly inconciderate smokers offend me, but as long as I'm outside and can get out of the wind from them, they can go ahead and pollute their lungs as much as they want.
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I totally agree with Fitnessfreak. I wouldn't ask someone not to smoke if you are outside, I would just move so that i'm not inhaling the second-hand smoke.
 
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful advice! I would never tell someone what they can and can not do. I was just shocked that someone would do this at a school bus stop. I move away from the smoke while we are talking but, she does not get the hint. My daughter and I are allergic to cigarette smoke and I do not know how to say it in a respectful way. I just met her two weeks ago at the school bus stop so, I do not want to over step the boundaries. I also do not want to bring this up in front of the children. I just want it to be a kid friendly environment. When I was there this morning I met her husband who also was smoking---yikes:(
 
JeanneMarie said:
ETA: Upon further thought, maybe I'm overly sensitive about the "have you ever thought about quitting" question because of the things people used to say to ME about my DH smoking. "Why can't you make him stop?", was one of the most common ones. Or, "Doesn't he WANT to stop?" The ignorance of those two comments still astounds me to this day!!
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I've never been a smoker myself, but I can relate to this one too. My sister said to me awhile back that she was surprised I was in a relationship with a smoker and that it didn't bother me to be around it. I just told her that he doesn't smoke in my house (he does in the bathroom with the window open, but I didn't tell her) and he doesn't in front of my daughter. They're HIS lungs, not mine and I'm not his mother. Yes, I would be THRILLED if he quit, but not because it bothers me. I want him to stay healthy. He works about 60 hours a week and has a horrible diet, so I do the best I can for him and feed him healthy meals when he comes over. The rest is up to him. I'm pretty sure that someday he will quit, but it won't be because I nagged him.
 
I can't help myself but jump into this conversation though it would behoove me to stay out of it. But I just can't.

I am an ex-smoker. I didn't smoke in my house for the last few years that I smoked. But I usually had a cigarette in my hand when I was outside. I would stand where my smoke wouldn't get into the path of other people that may have been around but the wind can sometimes be unpredictable.

I don't see the big deal with smoking at a bus stop. SORRY! Kids aren't going to smoke just because they see someone else doing it. None of my kids smoke and they saw me smoke for years. And the great outdoors is big and mighty and surely you can step away a few feet so you don't get any smoke on you. It just really isn't that big of a deal. Don't make it one.

Sorry if I come across mean. I just don't get why this is a deal at all. Another solution is that possibly you could stand at a different bus stop. The non-smokers corner.
 
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Wow Tracy, I did not mean to offend you. I am someone who would never say anything bad about another person. I always try to see the good in people. My daughter is allergic to smoke. I am concerned about her health over time. I am not afraid she will smoke. I want to be friendly with this other mommy not judge her. I have never posted anything before and I thought I would reach out for support that's all.
 
Hey Melis077,

You didn't offend me. You just remind me of my sister. We've had this discussion 100 times over the years. Neither of us ever changes our opinion on the matter. You just have to do what works for you and unfortunately, that's probably another street corner it sounds like.
 
This is ultimately a health issue - do you value your children's lungs over your relationship with a neighbour that you just met? Is your concern that this inconsiderate smoker (yep, it is inconsiderate, even outdoors, because that s**t travels a long way) might be upset when asked not to smoke around you and your kids in a place where you have to be more important than your kids not getting cancer later in life? Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and be honest for the sake of your kids. It's a legitimate complaint.
 
tsagona said:
I don't see the big deal with smoking at a bus stop. SORRY! Kids aren't going to smoke just because they see someone else doing it. None of my kids smoke and they saw me smoke for years. And the great outdoors is big and mighty and surely you can step away a few feet so you don't get any smoke on you. It just really isn't that big of a deal. Don't make it one.

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I completely disagree with the bolded statement, I believe that's exactly one reason why kids do start smoking, because they see other people doing it, whether it's someone's mom, or in fairness, likely their friends, or someone they idolize in a movie/tv show.

I don't understand the logic of your point, you smoked, your kids don't, therefore kids don't smoke because their parents do, I'm sure plenty of people smoke whose parents smoked, of course it will go both ways. You don't have to answer this, but are your kids older yet? I think most kids just won't start smoking when they are 12, but a couple years into high school and college is prime time for kids to start smoking because they see other people doing it. How many times do you hear kids argue they are justified in their bad behaviors because their parents did/do it, why can't they?

I'm not trying to change your mind, or attacking you, but I really disagree with this post, and also felt the need to speak my mind.
 
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