Good afternoon all I read that some of you were bored so I figured I'd through this out there. Okay My friend who I've been friends with for approx. 10 years is getting married early next year and it's a destination wedding so I got an invitation. Now this is not the first relationship I've been through with her. Anyway they do have a child together (3yr boy) and they have been together for about 7 years now. Well before they decided to get married he broke up with her and treated her like s---t!!! He left her for some other girl didnt want nothing to do with her He didnt even leave an address or telephone number nothing in case she had to get a hold of him in an emergency they do have a child together!!! He gave her no money for nothing. Now this went on for about a year. She dated here and there and I sure as hell he did too. This guy is just a piece of work. I remember one time a few years ago her and I went to dinner and I told her he was cheating on her (which was a big mistake because she did nothing and stood with him anyway. I had found out through a friend of a friend). Anyway I dont see her often in fact the last time I saw her was in march this year. I usually speak to her about once a week. We use to be inseparable but then I got married and moved away not too far about 1/2 hour. So anyway I call her to see how she's doing and she tell's me she's going back to the loser and they are getting married!!! I was like WHAT!!! Are you serious??? I didnt even know what to say. So how can I go to her wedding??? and then a destination wedding? I dont want to hurt her feelings. My friend obviously has self esteem issues here. She always has since I've known her. The relationship she was in prior to this one was somewhat the same. I dont think she should marry him so how could I go to her wedding?
Do you think I'm wrong????
- Thread starter messyjess
- Start date
carres1973
Cathlete
My thought is that the reason you go to a wedding is to support the person getting married. You can still do that but not be "all for" the union. She is your friend. Obviously, she does not want to hear your insight into her relationship. You can go to the wedding, put a smile on, and show your support for your friend. She will need to learn on her own what kind of guy she is marrying. It takes some of us longer to realize we are marrying (or married) idiots!
Carrie
Carrie
LaughingWater
Cathlete
Well, if you go to the wedding, you'd be going for her, not for him.
If the destination is an issue, then don't go. But if he's the issue, and you still care about her, I say go and wish them both the best despite your reservations.
If the destination is an issue, then don't go. But if he's the issue, and you still care about her, I say go and wish them both the best despite your reservations.
allwildgirl
Cathlete
Well, I don't know about all that, but as a matter of principle, I don't EVER attend destination weddings! I don't care who's getting married. I prefer to plan my own vacation, thank you very much.
So, Miss Lee, I shouldn't send you an invitation then?
Miss Lee
Cathlete
Shellbell!?... do you have something to tell me!?So, Miss Lee, I shouldn't send you an invitation then?
Oh, you know I'd attend your wedding -- I mostly just meant damily -- LMAO!!! (Maybe you can tell I'm in a bit of a pissy mood today -- oral surgery -- I feel like crap and I'm drooling ). Anybody have a drool cup?I did not tell her how I feel cause I know she is really happy marrying the father of her child and I would not want her to feel bad. Sure I can go to her wedding but I just want to shake her and yell at her to wake up!!! I mean C'mon arent you suppose to learn from your mistakes? She is a woman of a certain age she's not in her 20's anymore. Why is she settling for a bag if s---t!!!! She deserves sooo much more. If he did it before he will do it again. History repeats itself.. I know I may sound crazy or maybe even burned but I'm not. I just feel that she should hold herself up to a higher standard she has a 17 year old daughter what is she teaching her???? That its okay to let someone treat you like crap??? Forgive me please I just get so upset when I think about the whole thing.
Worknprogress
Cathlete
I think it depends on what kind of relationship you are going to have with your friend in the future.
My best friend got married 10 years ago to a loser who before they got married, stood her up, broke up with her and treated her like crap. She got pregnant and he said he wanted nothing to do with the baby and if she had it, she would not "extort" (his word) any money from him.
After she spent the first half of her pregnancy believing she was going to be a single Mom, he called her, said a simple sorry and not only did she take him back immediately - but married him 2 months later.
They now have 4 children. He is still a loser and I still can't stand him. BUT, I went to the wedding even after I told her she was crazy to marry him. I went to support her.
10 years later she still is my best friend. In retrospect - I am glad I went. I would never have wanted that to come between our friendship.
I think you need to ask yourself how important this friend is to you and make your decision based on that.
My best friend got married 10 years ago to a loser who before they got married, stood her up, broke up with her and treated her like crap. She got pregnant and he said he wanted nothing to do with the baby and if she had it, she would not "extort" (his word) any money from him.
After she spent the first half of her pregnancy believing she was going to be a single Mom, he called her, said a simple sorry and not only did she take him back immediately - but married him 2 months later.
They now have 4 children. He is still a loser and I still can't stand him. BUT, I went to the wedding even after I told her she was crazy to marry him. I went to support her.
10 years later she still is my best friend. In retrospect - I am glad I went. I would never have wanted that to come between our friendship.
I think you need to ask yourself how important this friend is to you and make your decision based on that.
Liann
Cathlete
That is such a toughie! One of my childhood friends married a total loser. I was in the wedding and I knew the guy was a loser. She went through years of pain with him and finally wised up and kicked him to the curb this year (after 9 years and 4 kids). Looking back at her wedding pictures, I wish I had done more to tell her what a loser I thought he was. I don't wish I wasn't there for her, but I do often wish I had had no part in that wedding. In the end though, it was her choice to marry him and all I could do was be there for her. Kicking and screaming maybe, but still supporting her - and telling her that if the SOB gave her problems, to let me know!
One of my childhood friends married a total loser. I was in the wedding and I knew the guy was a loser. She went through years of pain with him and finally wised up and kicked him to the curb this year (after 9 years and 4 kids). Looking back at her wedding pictures, I wish I had done more to tell her what a loser I thought he was. I don't wish I wasn't there for her, but I do often wish I had had no part in that wedding. In the end though, it was her choice to marry him and all I could do was be there for her. Kicking and screaming maybe, but still supporting her - and telling her that if the SOB gave her problems, to let me know!
lioness
Cathlete
I definitely think you need to determine if you want to have a relationship with your friend in the future.
I had a best friend that I had known since we were 5. We grew up across the alley from one another and our mothers were friends. When she was a senior in high school she met this total loser. This was her first boyfriend. She went away to college, decided she didn't like college so she married the loser instead. I was starting to drift away from the friendship. Even in high school she would make fun of some of my friends and we just started growing apart. She asked me and my twin sister to be in her wedding but I just felt it was wrong. I know that she didn't really love him and that she didn't know what else to do with her life. Also, we weren't that close anymore. When I told her no she had a fit. Her mother stopped talking to my mother. At the time I happened to be working at the same place as her mother and her mother stopped talking to me as well. Even her brothers didn't go to the wedding. It was a difficult decision but one that I don't regret. I didn't feel comfortable being in a wedding where the bride didn't love the groom. She ended up having a baby and then divorcing him but that one decision ended our friendship (although it was almost over anyway).
You need to do what is best for you. Good luck!
I had a best friend that I had known since we were 5. We grew up across the alley from one another and our mothers were friends. When she was a senior in high school she met this total loser. This was her first boyfriend. She went away to college, decided she didn't like college so she married the loser instead. I was starting to drift away from the friendship. Even in high school she would make fun of some of my friends and we just started growing apart. She asked me and my twin sister to be in her wedding but I just felt it was wrong. I know that she didn't really love him and that she didn't know what else to do with her life. Also, we weren't that close anymore. When I told her no she had a fit. Her mother stopped talking to my mother. At the time I happened to be working at the same place as her mother and her mother stopped talking to me as well. Even her brothers didn't go to the wedding. It was a difficult decision but one that I don't regret. I didn't feel comfortable being in a wedding where the bride didn't love the groom. She ended up having a baby and then divorcing him but that one decision ended our friendship (although it was almost over anyway).
You need to do what is best for you. Good luck!
SirenSongWoman
Cathlete
I am amazed at all the logical, sensible replies here. Why, when I know this site is full of logical, sensible people? Because If I'd been you, as soon as she told me she was going to marry that loser I would have hung up. But I'm really bad...
lrayburn
Cathlete
I had a similar issue with a college girlfriend. She actually married a friend of mine who is a great guy but you could just tell that the relationship wasn't going to last (and it didn't - they divorced after a year). Anyway, I was one of her bridesmaids. Well before the wedding, I had a conversation with both of them expressing my concerns. I did it from the angle of "I'm concerned about you because..." not "your an idiot to being doing this". Once I said my piece to each of them, I smiled through the whole ceremony. And then through talking both of them through the breakup. I really do care about both of them so I wouldn't have done it any other way.
In my opinion, you have two choices. If you aren't as close anymore, just say you can't make it because of the distance and walk away. If you can't do that, talk to her about your concerns, then go and support her anyway. You are the only one who knows which decision you are comfortable with.
Good luck!
Lisa
In my opinion, you have two choices. If you aren't as close anymore, just say you can't make it because of the distance and walk away. If you can't do that, talk to her about your concerns, then go and support her anyway. You are the only one who knows which decision you are comfortable with.
Good luck!
Lisa
Beavs
Cathlete
My musings.....
In my book, it would depend on how much drama you can tolerate witnessing. You want to be supportive but at the same time maintain your sanity. If watching your friend subject herself to abuse (whatever variety) and do nothing to better her situation nauseates you, maybe you limit contact (and I would venture to guess this destination wedding might be costly for you to attend). It must be so hard to watch the child live through that as well. If you decide to share your feeling on the POS she's about to marry, you might want to choose your words carefully. You don't want to make her feel isolated and feel the only person she can turn to is him. This will probably sound harsh, but I know I would have a hard time keeping my trap shut while a friend allows herself to be a doormat.
In my book, it would depend on how much drama you can tolerate witnessing. You want to be supportive but at the same time maintain your sanity. If watching your friend subject herself to abuse (whatever variety) and do nothing to better her situation nauseates you, maybe you limit contact (and I would venture to guess this destination wedding might be costly for you to attend). It must be so hard to watch the child live through that as well. If you decide to share your feeling on the POS she's about to marry, you might want to choose your words carefully. You don't want to make her feel isolated and feel the only person she can turn to is him. This will probably sound harsh, but I know I would have a hard time keeping my trap shut while a friend allows herself to be a doormat.
icumom
Cathlete
Think we've all been in similar positions - like Lian's situation, had she come forward to her friend she would have lost her...the best you can do is express that you'll be there and men come and go, but girlfriends are forever...all mine knew clearly,that the second they feel less than the woman God wants them to be...out the door and to my house no questions asked...
Having said THAT.....if you feel like a trip, swallow it and go...if it is repugnant,you have a great excuse, "times are getting hard, I'm afraid for work and to draw from savings right now...I'm going to get you a great gift, and expect details and a video!" something dorky like that?
Having said THAT.....if you feel like a trip, swallow it and go...if it is repugnant,you have a great excuse, "times are getting hard, I'm afraid for work and to draw from savings right now...I'm going to get you a great gift, and expect details and a video!" something dorky like that?
Fit_mommy
Cathlete
I would go to the wedding, wish them the best and then wait for it to fall apart and be there to pick up the pieces. That's what friends are for. If she's a good friend, I would go to the wedding regardless of it being a destination wedding or not UNLESS you have good reason like financial burden, can't get the time off from work, etc.
JHMO.
JHMO.
Thank you guys for all of your responses. Everyone is so great. It's no wonder I'm always on this forum. The guy at work who sit's behind must think I'm some sort of freak and do no work all day long. Anyway I've decided not to go. Our friendship has withered away for the last 3 years so it's no big loss to me. Whatever maybe one day she will learn hopefully it wont be too late.