Your experience with self-care?

[newswoman13]

Hi, smart women. I'm always curious to the ways others think and feel -- everyone is different, so if you wouldn't mind sharing some insight: your personal experience or just general advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

The subject is guilt and self-sabotage. Like, why might we feel guilty for taking care of ourselves more? Why can it be so difficult to learn that giving to yourself is not a selfish thing -- Why do we sometimes feel life should be hard? I really think that sort of thinking is a way to sabotage yourself. And, that's crap. That's fear.

Thank God I've got good friends who set good examples and don't feel this way. I've been thinking of this lately and am spilling the beans here, so thank you in advance.

What are your experiences with truly giving to yourself. What's the outcome? Feelings of peace, everyday miracles, huge changes, new perspectives?

 

[Imafitnessfreak]

With everything I do, I want to set a positive example for my children...especially my daughter since she will be looking to me (being the same sex parent). If I do not radiate health, happiness and confidence then where will she learn how to do the same? I need to take good care of myself so that my children will do the same.

The outcome of my self-care? A happy, healthy,and fit mommy.

 

[sparrow]

Interesting question. From my experience, I can say that I spent the first half of my adult life feeling as if I was an extension of my sister, and the rest of my family to a certain extent. Anything anyone needed, I was there, no matter what the inconvenience to me. Somewhere in my life I got the idea that I was valuable to my family only because I was useful to them. I was overweight, shy, angry, depressed and single, and feared that if I ever expressed any of those feelings, no one would want me around. So of course I put a smile on with others and cried alone. Anyway, about 6(?) years ago now, while visiting my parents in the Middle East, I met an Arab guy who totally swept me off my feet. I was *crazy* for him and pretty much willing to jettison everything else to be with him. All I could think was, "this is my way out of being unhappy. This will finally define me as a human being." Of course, it ended horribly, as these things will. I was devastated. Completely shattered. But it forced me into therapy, which in turn forced me to confront not "why did he do it?" but, "what is going in with me that I would allow myself to get into a relationship like that." I finally learned that I can put myself first. I don't have to give everyone 100 percent to everyone in my life. I can say "No." And my family still loves me. DH loves me. taking the time to figure out ME (that's "me" ladies, not muscle endurance ) has been nothing short of a miracle in my life. I know now that I will never ever ever give my power over to anyone else, nor will I ever again fail to protect my own mental health.

Funny, how such a horrible experience has turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sorry so long!

ETA: fitness is a huge part of my self-care. From the minute I committed myself to it I've made it clear to my friends and family that it was important to me. Happily, everyone sees how sane it makes me and no one makes negative remarks.

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage

 

[SRP]

My mother is the classic "shadow" of her husband. She always does exactly what he wants, serves him meals, picks up his shoes, and bows down to everything he wants to do. But lately she has been trying to be more of an individual... and unfortunately it results in a lot of arguments because dad is not used to her standing up for herself. So then she goes back to her old way for a time... and then it happens again. If she had taken care of herself and let herself be who she really is from teh beginning, this would not have happened. Dad wouldn't have been used to being in control all the time. And yes, she feels extremely guilty every time there's an argument. But so often it's HIM who is in the wrong.

I've also gotten pressure from my family about, for instance, the amount of time I exercise. I should supposedly be spending that time visiting family. But I feel that you're exactly right - this giving to myself is a GOOD thing and helps me to be healthier and happier, and when my family is around me, they will probably appreciate that!

And when I do give to myself, I feel so much better. After a good workout, I feel stress-free and accomplished. If I spend an afternoon alone walking in the woods, I am happy and at peace. Yes, there is a point where too much can become selfish, but everyone needs time for themselves.

 

[banslug]

Yes, very interesting question! I agree. I've got 2 personal points I'd like to make:

Right now, my life is as simplistic as it has EVER been, yet financially the TOUGHEST! Long story short, DH passed away September 2004, our boys were 3 and 6 at the time (5 and 8 now). I was working FT, we had NO LIFE insurance, yada yada yada. After MAJOR reflection, I decided to quit my job in June '05 and return to SAHM status for the sake of my children and for my own sanity. Fast forward to today. We are HAPPY! We are RELAXED! Our lives are in order, my house is organized, the kids are healthy (mentally and physically). It was a HUGE (and many said SELFISH) act to quit my FT job and lose that income and health insurance, but I don't care what they say or think. I did the right thing for me and the boys!

Second, concerning working out and WHEN I do it. I used to feel guilty doing it in the middle of the day, when the kids would be around to fend for themselves. BUT, we're setting an example for them. They are learning from me. They are now copying me (Zachary was stretchign his quads the other day at a bowling party because he said "it's part of the warm up".)

I really believe you need to take care of YOU in order to take care of others!

I'm learning!

Gayle

 

[MRSchultz]

WOW - funny you should bring this point up today. I was sitting outside this morning all wrapped up because it was only 35 degrees and raining, BUT I had my coffee and fresh air - all I need!!! Anyway, I was contemplating all things in my life and realized that I most definitely need to start paying attention to me, not anybody else. I'm unhappy with my weight? My job? I feel in a real rut, so I'm going to take Friday off and concentrate on ME. I'm going to figure out what I want out of my life and how I'm going to get it. I am hoping that it will be nice out and I can simply go for a long walk and really look inside myself.

Great post - I'm looking forward to hearing other reflections as well.

I am a work in progress!!

~Marcia~

 

[banslug]

Here is one of my favorite quotes that got me thru the times that I described in my first post up above:

"You have the ability to light up your life like you can't believe. Your abilities will flourish when they are not controlled by someone else's idea of who you SHOULD be."

Gayle

 

[nancy324]

Wow, Sparrow, no wonder I love reading your posts. Not only are you a great writer, but you're someone who has done a lot of work on herself and has enormous personal insight. Now I have a better sense of where it comes from.

Like you, I had a lot of issues when I was younger. I'm glad that I had the difficult experiences that I had when I was younger because that's how I got to where I am today. I think I'm a much stronger, better person for having struggled earlier on. With each passing decade I've become happier and more "me". My forties, which I'll soon be leaving -( ) were absolutely awesome. I'm actually looking forward to my fifties with great expectations!

Great thread, newswoman.
-Nancy

 

[newswoman13]

Wow -- What responses!!! Thank you. Keep writing....

Sparrow, I relate to you the most. Just to tell my story, not playing victim, I felt I've lived in my family's shadow for too long. Always feeling intense and creative, but feeling like I'm TOO MUCH. You know, don't rock the boat. Make sense? So, I also repressed my needs -- I'm in therapy learning to claim what I want. Not easy, but you can't put a price on it.

Thank you all for sharing.

 

[Joni]

I haven't posted to these forums in awhile, but this topic really resonated with me. My BF and I were just talking about this last night when I told him that I feel guilty sometimes for being "selfish" when I do things for myself, like take a nap or decline invitations because I need time to myself. He asked what the definition of "selfish" is and I said when you care for yourself above all others. Then he asked - what's wrong with that? Who does it harm? The answer in my case is, no one. I don't have kids, I live alone, and I'm careful to make sure that I'm there for the people in my life when they need me.

I think in many ways guilt is imposed on us by society. And when you stop worrying about what you think you "should" do, it's easier to find a balance between taking care of yourself and taking care of the other responsibilities in your life.

It's also interesting that this topic brings up thoughts of our individuality. It seems that, as women, it's so easy to get wrapped up in what you perceive is expected of you by others - whether it's your parents, husband, boyfriend, boss... it's so easy to get lost in trying to please others that you forsake your own needs and become unhappy and resentful.

I was depressed for years, but buried it under a false pretense of happiness because seeing me unhappy made my friends/family/coworkers uncomfortable. They were used to me being the clown and the one who was "strong." Rather than deal with the depression, I ate and watched TV. And gained a LOT of weight. It wasn't until I realized I was sabotaging myself with food that I was able to confront the sadness and deal with it.

Seems to me, after giving this some thought, that if we take care of ourselves, nurture our souls as women and individuals, then we're better able to take care of others in our lives.

Although I still struggle with a fear of being *too* self-indulgent sometimes, I firmly believe that self-care is vital to our wellbeing, and ultimately to the wellbeing of those we care about.

Great topic Newswoman! I always enjoy the topics you post because they're so thought provoking.

Joni