Would you apologize?

purple_magada

purple_magada

Cathlete
A month ago, I went to a birthday party for my friend's son. She is 32, and is a one year breast cancer survivor. She had to have both of her breasts removed and her dr told her that the type of cancer that she had was the most aggressive type that there is. She is so lucky that it was caught early.

After almost everyone left the party we took the kids outside. It was her and her 2 boys, me and my son and another girl with her two kids. I was speechless (just for a moment)when I saw my friend come out of her house smoking. Then I just freaked out on her. Basically, I said "What the hell is wrong with you?" She got all defensive and said you haven't been what I"ve been though, I'll smoke if I want to, etc. So I said to her, "yeah you've been through a lot and I am sorry that you had to deal with all that, BUT you beat breast cancer. Now what, you're chancing getting lung cancer? You have 2 little boys to raise, do you want them to grow up without you?" And both of her boys have asthma. As a matter of fact, the 2 year old cannot even go out in the winter due to exposure to colds b/c he always ends up in the ICU.

I only stayed about 5 minutes after that b/c she basically got a big attitude with me. I know that I may have been a bit harsh but I cannot understand why she would start smoking when she when through all that she did? Why not focus on a healthy attitude? Especially when you have children to set an example for. I feel she is being so selfish by this behavior, her boys need her.

I called her the week after the party to tell her that I had my baby and we talked for about 5 minutes - I was still in the hospital and there were many people in and out of my room so I didn't want to say anything more about our spat.

Would you apologize if you were me? We've been friends for 17 years so I felt comfortable saying what I did even though it was obvious that she didn't want to hear it.

I forgot to mention that she left her DH and she is hanging out with a girl (the other one that was at the party) who also just left her DH. She has a new party lifestyle since hanging out with her. I know that she is an adult and has to make her own choices but I really care about her and honestly, I just want to wring her neck right now.

Thanks for listening to me vent.
 
That's a tough one. It's hard to understand what she's feeling. We can only imagine what we'd do, but in real life, it's hard to say.

If she wants to stop smoking it won't be because you told her to stop. It will be because whe wants to for herself.

Maybe just apologize and don't bring it up again.

Just my .02.

I wish my brother would stop smoking. My other brother passed away 2 years ago, and I just want to scream at him and tell him to quit smoking! I can't lose another brother, I just can't! But, I know..no matter what I say, it won't help.

He has to want to do this on his own, or else it will never work.
 
I know she's not going to stop smoking b/c I told her to. That's like telling me to lose some weight. Easier said then done right?

Dani I'm sorry about you're brother. I wish that they would just keep raising the price of cigs. Aren't they like $5 a pack now? Maybe more people would consider quitting if they were say $10-$15?
 
I feel for you both...I have several friends and family who are in similar situations. It's so hard to watch someone you love - especially if they have had previous health problems - when they just won't take care of themselves, or worse, play games with known risk factors!

Dana, this is just my reaction, for what it's worth. I would find a quiet moment to apologize, but I would also explain that I was just so upset because of the level of friendship I feel that I lost my head. I'd tell her that I trust her to do what she needs to do and that I would try not to say anything, but that I may need a little slack in terms of keeping my opinions to myself. She should try to understand that, even if the words aren't always the right ones, the feeling is sincere and heartfelt, and comes from friendship.

Between you and me, though, I'd have a hard time being with her when she's smoking, especially with her children's health problems. I used to smoke, and I know it can be hard to quit, but I would hope that if I hadn't already done so, I would have been able to quit for my family's sake... And, yes, the price is already outrageous - I can't believe how much they've gone up in the past 5 years and that people still pay it. How do people afford to be pack-a-day smokers!? I can't imagine budgeting for that with our current income...
 
Dana, nice to see you back! Missed you! This is a hard one but I have to agree with Dani. Only she can make the decision to stop. On the other hand if you think it is coming between your friendship, I definitely would apologise and just tell her it's just because you care so much for her. I am sure she knows it's not a good choice to smoke especially given her son's asthma and also what she has been thru. Hopefully, she will think it thru and have the will-power to quit SOON. Good Luck and congrats on your new baby!!!!

Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie")http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
Yes, I would apologize profusely. You were out of line and being very judgmental. Especially harsh since you did this in front of other people. You should have said nothing but invited her out to lunch where you both could have had a nice conversation where you could have brought up your concerns tactfully and privately.

Lisa
 
I don't think I would apologize. Maybe just explain that you love her and are worried about her health. My bio father just died of lung cancer, and that was after a quintuple bypass several years ago. He never quit smoking. It happens everyday. So sad.
 
Dana,

You were not out of line by what you did and yes probablly apologizing and talking it over would be a good thing to do. You were just concerned for your friend and everything she went through, but she has got to want to quit herself. Don't sit here and feel bad, find a good time to sit down and talk and then continue your friendship with her.



kim
 
I'm not so sure if it's a matter of appologizing but more you guys need to continue the conversation.

Just tell her how much you care about her and her family etc. Sounds like as others said, it's not so much about feeling bad and the need to appologize but the need to sit down and talk with her more.

Please let us know how your conversation goes.
 
I'm answering before I read what anyone else has to say so I won't be influenced.

I definitely think an apology is in order. You are being far too judgmental. Your friend has been through a lot of rough stuff, and sometimes you just have to get through it any way you can. She lost her husband and both breasts in short order. There is no way you could know how you would feel in her situation. Give the poor thing a break. Let her smoke, drink and party for awhile if that's what she needs to do. I'm sure it's just a phase she needs to go through. The last thing she needs is to feel guilt about it right now. In any event, I'm sure she doesn't smoke in the house around her asthmatic son.

Okay, now I want to see what everyone else said.

-Nancy
 
I'll dissent from the majority opinion here and say that I don't think you should apologize for being mad at her (though you could say are sorry for putting her on the spot in public like that, if that's what did happen). But I don't think you need to apologize for your reaction. Maybe a verbal kick in the pants is what she needs. After all, you were not trying to make her feel bad; it seems your reaction was from concern and anger that she will do more damage to herself. Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is *not* be supportive of everything another friend does, and instead say, 'What the hell is wrong with you?'

Sparrow

___________________
www.scifichics.com
 
Just wanted to jump in here... There a lot of differening opinions on whether to appologize or not...

but it seems everyone knows you care a lot for your friend, were trying to do what you thought was best for her, and thinks you should talk to her. So I'd focus on that rather than the applogizing vs. non appologizing.

- Robyn
 
Dana,

I can certainly understand why you got so upset and why you lashed out at her the way you did. Unfortunately though, she is an adult, and is going to do what she wants even if others disagree with it and even if it's blatantly the WORST decision she could have made! If I were you I would consider apologizing for the way you yelled at her but not for what you said. Do you know what I mean? Maybe you could have been less harsh is all I'm saying...Tell her you are sorry for blowing up at her but you stand firm on what you think about what's she's doing and you can even try to re-explain your point of view on this w/o YELLING at her....just let her know you care and that you are there for her all the way!

Best of luck. This a difficult situation to say the least!

ETA: Take it from an ex-smoker, what Dani said is correct...she is not going to quit smoking because you think she should...she will only quit because SHE wants to and when SHE is ready.
 
I would not apologize. I think you should tell her that you are worried for her and her boys and that she got a second chance at life and a lot of people don't. I think that you are being a good freind by kicking her in the pants about this smoking thing. I know that I would want my friends to look out for me that way. Also, smoking increases her chances for all types of cancer. I just get annoyed when people who have little children don't take care of themselves. It is selfish and ignorant. Don't get me wrong I am not saying all smokers are selfish and ignorant but when someone gets a second chance at life I feel they need to cherish it. Kids really need their parents and it breaks my heart when I hear children losing their parents to something that probably could be prevented. My mother had uterine cancer and got through it and she started chain smoking right after that and it may me sick to even look at her. I am probably being too harsh, but just my thoughts. Good luck with how you handle it. If you do apologize just tell her that you were just being a friend.


Susan
 
I have a friend who jokes that with him, cancer caused smoking. It's almost a fatilistic attitude - basically, "I already had cancer and lost a body part (he lost a leg) and chances are it will come back so I'm already doomed, I may as well enjoy what life I have."

I think you should apologize. You have no idea what she is going through right now. Cancer is terrifying and people all respond to it differently. I would apologize for being judgemental and getting in her face, but not for what you said. I think the best thing you can do right now is be a friend.
 
I don't think I would apologize--maybe just clarify my position. It's not just about her--like you said, she has little ones for whom she is reponsible, who have asthma and a 2 year old who ends up in intensive care every winter. Her smoking is not just affecting herself, but her children.

You have known her long enough for her to realize that your reaction was out of concern for her and her family, not just merely being on some sort of judgmental high horse.

But I do think that some sort of calmer follow up might be useful.

Maggie:)
 
I agree with Wendy, you shouldn't apologize for what you said but how it was said. Maybe it should of been said differently but definitely not apologize for caring for her.


kim
 
I am unable to read all the responses so I am sorry if this is repetitive...

I 100% would NOT apologize! What she went through is so horrible but using it as an excuse to smoke is down right sick! It actually pisses me off to great extent because there are women out there...WITH CHILDREN...who layed on their death bed and swore they would live a healthy life if they could survive but still died from cancer...leaving their children.

She is also screwing up her kids...second hand smoke is HORRIBLY toxic.

She doesn't get much sympathy from me because I hate smoking so much (ex smokers REALLY are the worst;-) )

If anything, apolgize for your delivery but not for your words. Remind her that you love her and her boys and you want her to stay with you forever.
 
I tend to agree with "Sparrow's" comment. We have a neighbor going through the same thing. She found out she had a brain tumor while pregnant with her third child. She started partying all the time, she's never with her children, her husband and she are separated, and our other nrighbors are very judgmental of her. I have never said anything to her b/c I am not real close to her. The problem is that when you are real close to someone, you sort of owe it to them to be honest, thought it can put a strain on the friendship. But I think it is going to be hard for you to maintain this friendship if she keeps up her behavior,(smoking, etc.) b/c it will kill you to see her kids suffering.

Good luck to you--and to your friend--and to her children.........
 
Sorry...I have to yamber on some more...I did read everyone's responses after my 1st post.

First, if you are a close friend you have every right to speak up. That is what good friends do. It's out of love.

Second, I don't agree that this is a phase that she needs to go through. If she was snorting a line of cocaine is that o.k.?? Probably healthier! How about shooting up with heroine? Just as addictive!

Third, if her attitude is "need to enjoy life", she is knocking on the wrong doors! Smoking is not fun! It does not taste good. You stink all the time! Your a slave to it. It's expensive. You have to stand in the cold to get your fix when in public while being on display as people walk into the building you are standing outside of...I personally, found that humiliating. It's stupid!

If she wants to enjoy life...go on vacations. Take the kids to Hawaii. Eat cake for breakfast. Go skiing. Take a fun evening class. Yes, it costs money but probably cheaper than a smoking habit and you actually GET something out of it!!

Finally, SMOKING INCREASES YOUR RISK OF BREAST CANCER!!!!! Amoung other cancer. Oh, BTW, the #1 killer of women is heart disease...now she is a lucky canidate! I think lung cancer is #2.

Another "finally", I get very infuriated when women do not put there perfect, innocent, defenseless children FIRST!!! Even in crisis...she needs to understand that they need her and therefore I think she needs to come out swinging, making every effort to protect their every need! In this case that need is "her living", she needs to eat more fruits and veggies, get some exercise, find a spiritual exercise (reading, yoga, knitting...whatever), take care of herself the absolute best she can so that she be top of her game when taking care of her children!

I'd be pissed at her too!x(
 
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