Working Mommies Out There?

Cruncholi

Cruncholi

Cathlete
I rarely post on this forum because I have never been pregnant, but DH and I have been thinking more about starting a family lately.

I am wondering how any working moms out there handled the pressure of working full time (I currently work full time as an attorney in private practice 50+ hours per week), husband, house, dogs, and the baby. It seems like an impossible combination of things. What is the maternity leave like, transition back to work, and has anyone switched from FT to PT after returning to work? How have the financial stresses from doing so worked themselves out? Also, is it much more expensive to have a baby than to not have one?

I know I will get some insightful responses here!

Thank you.
 
Hi Linda,
I'm sure you'll get lots of responses but I'll give you my experience and my thoughts. My Holly is 19 months old now.

Before Holly was born, I worked full time as a project manager in the software development field. Very stressful job, usually more than 40 hours a week.

After Holly was born, I took 4 1/2 months off and returned to work on a part time consulting basis. I am lucky in that I already had the contacts to do that and had work available. I've been doing this since January of last year and it works very well for me. Because I'm paid hourly, I make pretty close to what I made on full-time salary but usually only work 20 to 25 hours a week and get lots of time off. We get insurance through my husband's employer. This is such a wonderful compromise and allows me to spend lots of time with my daughter.

Realistically, I could stay home full time financially but it would require some sacrifices. I really admire women who make those sacrifices, or those whose husband's income allows them to stay at home - it's the hardest job in the world. But for me, working part time is the best deal, both financially and emotionally. I enjoy working. Also, it depends so much on your child. Holly is very outgoing and loves her preschool so I don't feel guilty leaving her there (most of the time).

As for whether it's more expensive to have a baby, I think it is. Childcare is a huge expense - daycare can be anywhere from $600 to over $1000 a month. If you have a nanny it is even more, though if you continue a job with lots of hours a nanny will make your life a lot easier. Then there are clothes, shoes, doctor visits (which you'll make a lot of if the baby is in daycare), college savings, increased cost of insurance (both health by adding a new family member, and life because you and your husband will need a lot more it). That's just what I can think of off the top of my head.

Then again, we go out to dinner much less often and take fewer trips. Because I work at home I spend a lot less money on clothes and lunches, gas, etc. Still, it doesn't add up to what we spend on Holly. IT IS ALL WORTH IT!!!!!

Lots of women make it work with demanding, full time jobs but if part time is an option for you, I highly recommend it. So much depends on your personality - for me, working full time would be unmanageable at this stage. When Holly gets older things may change.

Good luck!

Dana
 
Hi,
Good luck with your decision. Before having my daughter, I worked full time as a therapist. She is now 7 months old and I work Part time. We bought a house that we could afford on my husband's salary and have cut back, we even got rid of extended cable. As stressful as parenting is, I have adjusted well, i believe due to only working part time. My sister is also an attorney, she has a state job and only works a 40 hour week, but she commutes so the day is much longer. She seems much more stressed and each day is rushed. I don't mean to throw my biases on you, but if you do get pregnant, you may want to look into pt work, if possible. To work 50 hours, and deal with a child is alot. My sister has a bigger house, and spends more money but her life is hectic and children spend more time with the nanny. Yes, children are expensive, diapers and other children's items do add up. Everyone always told me how life changes with a child, I expected it to be awful, but I was older and prepared for the worst, and boy am i happy with my little girl. Life changes, but I don't miss my old life without a child. I am over 30, and the time was right. You need to decide on employment, finances but then if you know you want to be a parent, things work themselves out. i don't know your age, but you don't want to hit an older age and regret not having children in favor of a career. if you decide though to not have children that is also your decision. sorry for the babling.
 
Dana & Shopaholic:

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. I am 30 years young now and the point about not waiting in favor of my career is a good one. I think PT would be an option for me. It just seems like things would be so financially tight by adding a baby and cutting my salary in half.

I guess by a combination of planning and experience, it will work itself out.

Thanks again. Anyone else?
 
Hi,
Hope my response wasn't too judemental. By the way, I am now 34 and got pregnant at 33, so don't feel there is a rush. At 30 I was not ready yet emotionally or financially.
 
Hi Linda! The impact of having a child depends on so many variables. I’ll share our experience. I don’t have much to offer regarding “the pressure of working full time..., husband, house, dogs, and the baby”. I went PT about 4 years before we had Sydney. I can tell you the PT Nurse Practitioner job became PRN because I craved being with her... I needed to be with her as much as I need O2. I know that is soooooo mushy, but I realized my happiness was being with her. PT work and all that goes into being the CEO of the household (a title I stole from a woman on Trading Spaces) is manageable. For about 3 years, I taught for the community college, which only required 5-6 hours 2 times per week for 6-8 week intervals, and worked PRN at the clinic. This provided the opportunity to communicate with adults and enjoy a career I love. Last August, I picked up PT hours at the clinic but keep decreasing the hours. I know I will want to be with this new baby as much as possible, so I am preparing. As Dana said, many women juggle FT careers and family. You just have to find what works for you.

As for maternity leave, I took 12 weeks, went back to work PT for a month, then went PRN.

Financially... well, we have been married for 14 years, as of May 5, and together for 18. We have had a lot of time for financial planning. ;) Our goal from the first day of marriage was to support our lifestyle on one income, and we have been blessed that this is possible at this moment in our lives.

Dana covered the expenses of a child, I can’t think of anything to add. Shopaholic mentioned the changes everyone will warn you about, which sounded like never-ending hassles and inconveniences. Well, as she said, life changes but only for the better IMO. Yes, it is hard work. I never have time off... it is stressful... I worry about countless things... I am more exhausted staying home than after 4-12 hour shifts in the hospital... but the love between a parent and a child is worth it. I love how Rosie O’Donnell described the moment she held her baby... “it was if color seeped into a world that had been black and white. And I didn’t know it was black and white until the color was added”. Please don’t think I am pressuring you or trying to sell you on motherhood. But, if it is something you and your husband want, it will work out... just like Shopaholic stated.

Best of luck to you and your husband!

Autumn
 
Autumn,

Thanks for replying. Your post makes me feel good!

I know that my husband and I could easily live on his salary and half of my salary if we gave up our excesses and improving our house regularly. I would also have to be more diligent with our financial budgeting and planning. We do have a lot of "toys" (motorcycles, snowmobiles, etc.) and our house needs work, but is definitely liveable in its current condition.

By the way, what is PRN? How old is Sydney now and when are you due?

Thanks again.
 
Linda,

You are welcome!

PRN is as needed, so I would cover vacations, sick days, etc. Sydney is 3 1/2... she will be 4 on July 31.

I have no doubt you and your husband will make the right decision. Take care!

Autumn
EDD LMP 07-20-04
EDD (U/S) 07-15-04
 
It can be done

Hi there,

I'm also an attorney working 50+ hours a week. I am also a single mother to an 18 month old (my husband and I are divorcing and separated during my pregnancy). It can be done if you have proper childcare in place, an understanding boss and a baby who is used to set routines.

When I had my son, I was very aware that I would be returning to work when he was 6 months old. I did breast feed but mixed that with bottle feeding. I used Gina Ford's Contented Little Baby book to get him into a routine so he slept throughout the night from 3 months and has done so ever since.

My son goes to a private nursery full time and is thriving. In addition, I have an au pair who lives in and helps with after school care.

Of course the child care bill is phenomenal but I was prepared for this before having him. I spend quality time with him on weekends. He loves his au pair and his nursery friends and is a confident, happy little boy, the happiest in the class.

The only times I feel really guilty leaving him with his au pair is when he's unwell and I still need to go to work. That's however very rare.

My boss is understanding if my son's ill.

It can work with proper planning and routines!
 
RE: It can be done

Hi Fitnik:

Thanks for posting!

Am I understanding your post correctly that you took a 6-month maternity leave? I think what has become the standard at my firm for associates is 3 months with full pay. How was the transition back to work after 6 months off? Did you feel depressed?

Does your au pair live with you all the time? How did you find him/her? Does the baby get sick much from being in child care?

I will have to check out Gina Ford's book--it sounds very interesting.

That kind of childcare sounds very expensive. I'm wondering what part of the country you live in (i.e. do you live in NYC?) In Binghamton, NY, the salaries are pretty low for associates.

Wow, you really amaze me. You sound very busy!

Thanks again for posting--I hope I am not being too nosy.
 
Hey Linda, having that first baby can be a tough decision. My DH and I were married for 10 years before we finally decided to have the 1st little one and now we have 3! I was working 50+ hours in public accounting when Taylor was born. The PT thing was not an option at this particular firm so I went to work for a public utility. Now I'm at 40 hours a week - but I have flexible hours 7 to 3:30. My husband also has flexible hours he works 9 to 6 or 7. This means the kids are at daycare a lot less. It also helps with sick days. If we know that we are going to have to stay home with a sick kid, I go in really early and come home around 1 then DH goes to work and stays late. Or I can work for home for a few hours.

I also have several friends whose husbands have choosen to stay home and take care of the kids b/c the women are making a lot more money and it just made sense.

It does require some balancing and planning but it is so worth it!! The cost is high between diapers, formula and daycare we are strapped. My oldest is in 1st grade now so its a little better. I still have 2 in daycare (my daycare is just a little less than my mortgage payment). If I had the decision to make again I would have started earlier and probably had more kids!
 
DEBBIE:
Thanks for posting! I really appreciate your input. All of this advice and information is making me think about all the things I would not have thought about otherwise. I do not have too many friends with kids to talk to about it.
Thanks again.
 
I'm with you, Autumn, I needed to be with my baby like I needed oxygen. I took three and a half years off with him and am delaying having any more until I can do the same again.

Linda, it's hard to tell right now how much time someone else would need to spend with her own baby... four of the women at my work have just come back from having babies and they seem to be doing fine. I knew about six months into my pregnancy that it would kill me to go back while my baby was still an infant. Luckily, my husband was able to support us and we were able to make sacrifices (older cars, no dates, that kind of thing.) Our only splurge was my Internet connection, which really helped me feel connected to other people.

I did a lot of writing and sold an essay while I was staying home, and if I were to have another baby, I would probably do freelance writing for about four hours a day to help supplement the family income. I don't know if telecommuting is an option for you, but maybe you can explore that for the first year.

I think the most important thing to remember is that if you wait until there is a "perfect" time to have a baby, that time will never come. I mean, sure, you want to be healthy and free of crippling debt, but sometimes people end up waiting too long for the perfect time. You have plenty of time, though, at 30. It would probably be good to be in a position where you could survive on one income, just in case you decide you have to stay home.

I hope this helps. There is a wide variety of right ways to raise a baby. Fitnik's arrangement sounds wonderful, with her baby getting two doting caregivers along with a preschool. (I believe she's in the UK.) Arrangements where the husband and wife take opposite shifts or family members do daycare are also great. My son went to evening day care while I was taking college classes, and it was a great way to have him around other kids and adults. My brother and I were latchkey kids to a single dad, and we came out okay. Kids are very resilient as long as you love them.

Edited to add: an understanding boss is essential!!! I'm lucky to be able to do my job from home when my kids are sick. My boss works from his home and is the primary caregiver to his 7-year-old son, so he understands how kids are. My previous job was not parent-friendly, so I had to quit. I'm very lucky to have the luxury of quitting. I wish every parent could work at a parent-friendly company.
 
Jenne:

what you said about waiting for the "perfect time" is something I have heard from others also.

It's nice to know that there are others who understand that I may have a "need" to stay home--not just a "want." I already feel like I would want to stay home, but I guess I will not know for sure until I am a mom!

I think my place of work would be pretty flexible, but I don't know. They might let me work from home for a while in more of a research/writing position.

Thanks for your thoughts!
 
I am an attorney but temporarily "retired" when my second child was 2 1/2. I never worked more than 30 hours a week after I had children. I have 3 children now and can't imagine having a full-time job on top of 3 kids, 2 dogs, one bird and the house. I have no problem staying at home, knowing it's best for my kids. I realize not everyone has the ability to stay home but if you can, that is the best option for your kids. Just listen to Dr. Laura for a few months and maybe you will understand why kids need their parents. She makes sense, even if you don't like what she says.
 
Linda; I stay home full time but have two friends who formerly worked fulltime, one is now parttime and the other is at home only, now. Both of these folks mentioned to me recently that having both of them working fulltime with kids put a lot of stress on their marriage. Also mentioned that as the kids got older, it got harder, not easier...with the extra curricular schedules, etc. Both have more than one kid.

HTH!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies!

Jen :)
 
You didn't ask specifically about this, but I wanted to share something with you that I have noticed. I have several sisters-in-law who work and several who stay home with their kids. I have observed that the children of those who stay home are much better behaved than the ones who spend all day in daycare. I mean its like a world of difference. Two of the kids who spend every week day in daycare hit me and other relatives frequently and for no reason! Strictly FYI.

I think the amount of time one is able to spend with one's children tells them a lot about how important they are. Quantity is more important than quality where time is concerned. Just something for you to think about!
 
Okay, here's my opinion. You need to have priorities. God first, hubby second, kids third, career fourth. As long as you have your priorites together, you simply (or not so simply) cannot go wrong. :eek:) As far as childcare goes, there is ALWAYS a way. We found a lady from our church who watches our pumpkin. We pay her $100/week and she is a gem. She watches only our son--she's grandmotherly & we're so blessed to have found her. DH is a PT self-employed guy. We plan on having him watch Justin as the little guy gets a little bigger (DH is not maternal). He's already watching him one day/week...soon to jump to 2X/week. I work 4-5days/week. This seems to work well for us.
As far as our marriage goes, I think it gets easier when the little guys get older b/c then you have more energy/time to invest in your sex life. I'm not trying to be vulgar---it's just simply true. We're happier when we spend more time in the bedroom. ;-) Of course, this could lead to more babies...but that's okay too. :)

**Melanie**
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"
 
Malanie,
Your post is funny (that could lead to more babies...)! Thanks for responding. It can be hard to keep priorities in perspective, but you are right. Thanks again.
 
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