"Women who talk politics are such a turnoff."

[LauraMax]

So says a man to me last night at a party I attended. Seriously???? For real?????????? Why would that be? Is a woman who keeps up with current events & enjoys discussing & occasionally debating them intimidating? Obnoxious? Unfeminine?

Boy, if this is true I guess I'll be single for the rest of my life!

 

[JeanneMarie]

Hmmm... agreed, that was kind of an odd blanket statement.

Maybe what he meant is that he just doesn't care to discuss politics. I'm the same way. If I were out with someone and all they wanted to do was argue politics, I would consider that a turn off too.

I think he would have done well to clarify what he meant. However, if he just meant that he thinks women shouldn't have an opinion and be informed, then that's just wrong.

 

[FiddleFit]

Men who can't have a conversation with an intelligent woman are such a turn off.

 

[RapidBreath]

Guys only say that kind of thing when they know they are out of their depth. Its not easy being a smart woman but I think its harder to pretend to be stupid.

 

[Elle_p]

I think men who make stupid comments are a turn off.

 

[toughYrun]

Hmmm... agreed, that was kind of an odd blanket statement.

Maybe what he meant is that he just doesn't care to discuss politics. I'm the same way. If I were out with someone and all they wanted to do was argue politics, I would consider that a turn off too.

I think he would have done well to clarify what he meant. However, if he just meant that he thinks women shouldn't have an opinion and be informed, then that's just wrong.

Agreed.

I follow politics, but generally don't discuss past or present issues unless it comes up with a close friend/family member. Since voicing one's political opinions can create tension I would never bring up the topic at a party.

 

[LauraMax]

Men who can't have a conversation with an intelligent woman are such a turn off.

I almost said that, but he is kind of a friend! Honestly, I think he was trying to be helpful in his own neanderthal kind of way. He's happily married & I've known him for years. I won't bore you with the whole discussion, but a summary is something like "if you want to find a man you shouldn't talk about politics with him on the first couple of dates, just focus on small things."

It wasn't necessarily about arguing or debating--while I have my own preferences, I do respect others' views & I really just have fun joking about it. I think we were discussing the North & South Korea situation, & he stopped in mid sentence & said the above.

 

[Elle_p]

Hmmm...while i get where your friend is coming from I don't necessarily agree with the way he stated it.

There are a whole lot of other topics besides politics that might turn a man off on the first couple of dates. It really depends on who you are dating.

 

[toughYrun]

I almost said that, but he is kind of a friend! Honestly, I think he was trying to be helpful in his own neanderthal kind of way. He's happily married & I've known him for years. I won't bore you with the whole discussion, but a summary is something like "if you want to find a man you shouldn't talk about politics with him on the first couple of dates, just focus on small things."

It wasn't necessarily about arguing or debating--while I have my own preferences, I do respect others' views & I really just have fun joking about it. I think we were discussing the North & South Korea situation, & he stopped in mid sentence & said the above.

Ahh. I see. So *he* does/did not like discussing politics on the first couple of dates.

That doesn't make sense to me. Is it not within the first couple of dates that an impression of the other person is formed? And is not your date's worldview an important piece of information???

Thinking back to my dating days, I'm quite sure I felt those things out, but didn't waste energy arguing/debating if there was little common ground.

 

[LauraMax]

Ahh. I see. So *he* does/did not like discussing politics on the first couple of dates.

That doesn't make sense to me. Is it not within the first couple of dates that an impression of the other person is formed? And is not your date's worldview an important piece of information???

Thinking back to my dating days, I'm quite sure I felt those things out, but didn't waste energy arguing/debating if there was little common ground.

Could be.........he's a retired cop & you know how those guys think.

I think what most disturbed me was the fear that he's right. I LOVE politics. My entire background--education, career, volunteer work, entertainment, etc.--is centered on politics.

So basically what he's saying is I should hide who I am, or alternatively give up a hobby/lifestyle that's a huge part of me, to snag a man. I should change myself and/or my personality to appease the male species. Uh uh. Ain't happening. I'd rather be alone than w/someone who doesn't like me for who I am.

 

[RapidBreath]

This is why my 30th birthday present to myself was giving up dating entirely. I don't need the headache of second guessing who I am, I'm not a chameleon, I'm not changing my spots to make a male happy, no way, no how. And once I stopped trying to 'look' I was so much happier, the weight of all of that was too much. People ask me why I don't date and I say, "Look at yourselves and get back to me when you are happy". They don't get back to me.

 

[BuffyR]

GRRRR!!! I'm married but I were single, I would not even consider dating a man who did not share my core politically beliefs. I'm not saying total agreement is necessary (Lord knows, DH and I have our share of heated political debates) but politics are too important to me to waste my time dating a guy who doesn't essentially agree with me on the big issues. That being said, I'm usually the first person at any gathering to bring up politics. I try not to be too opinionated unless I'm with close friends, but I like to size up people's political views right off.

 

[cindi1]

The Millionaire Matchmaker (Patty ??) says the same things - when you first meet someone, avoid controversial topics - religion, politics, sex she names specifically.

For me, whether I'm friending a man or woman, I feel more comfortable and would prefer to tread lightly at first until some trust and comfort level is reached. I'm really put off if someone leads with politics or religion (or parenting style - that's another controvisial topic).

Once there is a trust built, then you can breach those topics (IMO).

So I guess I'm saying I agree with Patty.

 

[LauraMax]

Patty also says women with curly hair should buy a flat iron b/c men don't like women with curly hair. Her advice doesn't carry much credibility with me.

Oh & I just wanted to add, isn't it important for both parties to know who each other is from the outset? I mean, why invest time & energy into a person, only to find out when it gets down to the nitty gritty, you have some core disagreements?

In any case, I don't think he was referring to party politics. I think he just meant women who talk about politics are a turnoff.

 

[cindi1]

Yeah - well maybe she's not the best authority.

If something's a deal breaker for you, then certainly you need to get to it sooner rather than later. I understand that. But maybe not the first date and maybe both parties need to tread lightly initially. My personality is such that if someone were overly-assertive about what they want when I was just getting to know them, I would exit the relationship even if I agreed with them.

But what do I know, I haven't been on a date in decades other than with my husband.

Maybe he's speaking from his perspective in watching women on TV? That Gretchen what's her name on Fox & Friends wears really short dresses, maybe he's not watching the right channel.

 

[LauraMax]

Yeah - well maybe she's not the best authority.

If something's a deal breaker for you, then certainly you need to get to it sooner rather than later. I understand that. But maybe not the first date and maybe both parties need to tread lightly initially. My personality is such that if someone were overly-assertive about what they want when I was just getting to know them, I would exit the relationship even if I agreed with them.

But what do I know, I haven't been on a date in decades other than with my husband.

Maybe he's speaking from his perspective in watching women on TV? That Gretchen what's her name on Fox & Friends wears really short dresses, maybe he's not watching the right channel.

LOL! Lucky girl! Dating is so NOT fun!

Maybe he means I come off too opinionated? I cannot imagine someone thinking that about me. But at my age, I have no idea how I could change my personality, even if I wanted to.

 

[Traildoggie]

I've never found discussing politics or other serious issues worthwhile in a party atmosphere especially when the beer/wine are flowing, except on a very light passing note.

In a small group I still steer clear of most, not all, controversy. I've been surprised many times to find people who I thought were bright and educated but turn out to hold opinions that I consider positively neanderthal.
Generally you aren't going to change anyone's mind by arguing. I wouldn't spend an evening with someone who was overbearingly assertive about their political views, whether we agreed or not. I don't hide my views but I don't bash people over the head with them either. it's a waste of time and energy to provoke an argument, and sometimes you need the support of people with whom you probably don't agree with on everything.
If I were on a date, I'd go into more of a "weed them out" approach. Why waste time and money on someone who is hopeless?

 

[MidgetDogg]

That's funny. It's probably because he doesn't keep up on them himself and doesn't want to be called out on not knowing anything. My boyfriend and I have political debates almost every time we see each other. It's loads of fun. BUT... we are at the point in our relationship where our very different views are interesting and if we get a little steamed in the debate, we can blow it off immediately. Plus, he likes to embellish his views further away from my own just to get me going.

 

[LauraMax]

Well, I think I wasn't entirely clear about my discussion with him. Let me clarify a little:

1) We weren't debating or arguing about anything. We weren't even discussing anything controversial. In fact, I'd call it more a discussion about current affairs than politics, but that's how he characterized it. Discussing current affairs, i.e. the latest news stories, isn't too obnoxious or inappropriate at a social event, is it?

2) He shares the same political views as mine, so even if it was a controversial issue we likely wouldn't have disagreed about it.

I kind of got the sense he just thought a woman discussing politics is unfeminine or unladylike or something. Or maybe I'm just being defensive?

 

[jonahnah]

My DH and I didn't agree politically at all when we first met & got married, but over time his views (and his family's!) have all morphed into agreement w/ mine. People can change. So, it's not necessarily true that you have to agree w/ someone's political (or religious) views to have a strong, successful relationship (DH & I have been married for 23 years). I think it's more important that you each respect the other person's right to have a different opinion. Someone can still be intelligent & reach a different conclusion than you might. The legal field is a perfect example of this.

I've learned the following lesson the hard way: When you know a lot about a subject, you have to be careful about pointing out the weaknesses in someone else's views UNLESS the other person loves to debate as much as you do. (What's that phrase? You can't have a battle of wits w/ an unarmed opponent? ) No one likes to be made to feel like an idiot in a social situation. Most people don't look to debate serious subjects at parties or family dinners. They might tip their toe in the water, but when they find the temperature too hot, they flee.

It's not fair to say that most men are turned off by intelligent strong minded women who know a lot about politics. Your friend was wrong to say that, but maybe he was feeling overwhelmed when he just wanted to have a fun evening?

Lastly, I know some people have posted that certain things are deal breakers for them, but I'd like to pose another thought. I don't think love means finding our exact match, but rather finding someone who truly makes us a better person, appreciates our good points & overlooks our not so good points.

It's like traveling to France and complaining you can't find good pizza no matter how hard you search. Your search likely won't be successful AND you miss out on other delightful foods available in France. It's a double loss.

If you focus so much on finding one trait that you have in common w/ another person, you might overlook a hundred other traits that are actually more important over the next 50 years. (kindness, honesty, sense of humor, patience, respect for others, intellectual curiosity, tolerance for differences, work ethic, etc. etc.)

Just my thoughts...