Why is my Mom such a *#*%*???

R

Reese777

Cathlete
May I whine a bit?

I've had a rough year or so, and I've packed on weight as a result of stress. I've gone from a 10 to a 14/16 and I'm relatively miserable; subjecting myself to regular sessions of self loathing. Coupled with this, I've been dealing with near harassment at work because of my leave balances at work, and I just found out today that prior to being counseled for various issues, a boss of mine called everyone out of the unit individually and interviewed them privately....about ME! Several of my family members have been very sick, including my daughter who recently has showed signs of becoming a "cutter" (shudder) and it's all mounted up on me at one time, but no one at work seems to have a bit of compassion for me at all, yet the boss is completely supportive of a coworker that sleeps at his desk because "he works on a farm and has a long drive to work". The whole situation has left me very hurt, and very p!ssssssssssed off.

So tonight, I started out for a simple walk at the park but realized it was too late - park would be dark soon. So, I decided to go to my parent's house instead.

Why? Why do I subject myself to them?

It seemed totally innocent, but my mother cannot pass up an opportunity to say something about my body. (Let's not even touch on the fact that she wasn't interested in anything I had to say, and was giving me judgmental looks during my conversation and then talking over me with a completely different subject.) I swear I could look like Cathe and she'd have some negative crap to bestow upon me; my eyelids would be too droopy or my hair wouldn't be right. Tonight she just subtly dropped that my little sister was bringing a bunch of clothes out for alterations because they were "falling off of her". This does not make me jealous in the least of my sister, because I know she's a drug user, and that is what makes her thin. But Mom was saying it to hurt me, or to gently say "you're fat." She is such a b!tch! Why can't she just love me?

I feel so freaking alone in the world that it's not even funny, and my own parents can't spend 30 minutes with me without hurting me.

WHEN WILL I LEARN?????

x( ;(
 
Sorry you are having such a rough time.

I have family members that do this sort of thing to me constantly over various issues. Slowly, I've just put more and more distance between them and me. Why would I want to spend time with people who make me feel like something that just came off the bottom of someone's shoe just because we share genes or are in-laws?

I have a wonderful family in Christ that is supportive and loving and interesting and fun--something my biological exended family is not. I prefer to spend time with them and with my dh and our family of procreation.

I wish I had advice for you, you really sound like you are going through a lot. (((hugs)))

Maggie
 
Reese, your situation is exactly the reason why I "cut off" my step mom (my real mom died a long time ago) and my sisters..well one of my sisters. Spiteful, they judge harshly, and they are conniving. I do not choose to be around people that are so unhappy they have to take it out on others in a hurtful way. Let them go, ease them out of your life. Maybe not totally like I did, but gradually, and understand just because you are "blood" doesn't mean they are "family". Family supports you, comforts you and loves you the way you are.
 
Hi Reese,

I grew up with the same judgmental mother that you have. I'm 41 and about 4 years ago after much soul searching and an ever evolving spiritual journey, I learned to change the way I reacted to my mother. I realized that me being upset with her wasn't ruining her day, it was just weighing heavy on me.

Well, guess what happened? When I changed the way I reacted, she changed as well. She still has her moments, but I can now look at her with compassion for all the insecurities she has that make her the way she is. And we have a much better relationship than we ever had before.

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. Hopefully you have a support group of friends that you can turn to when you feel your family can't be there for you.

Hugs~

Kickie
 
Jeez, sounds like you have way more than your share right now. I am so sorry to hear about all that you are going through.

If I were in your shoes, I would make it a priority to get myself a compassionate therapist that I felt comfortable working with. It doesn't sound like you've gotten any support from the one place everyone should be able to count on - family. So, you need to get yourself some support from somewhere else.

Please consider doing this for yourself. You are worth it!

Best of luck to you.
 
Boy, do I hear your pain, Reese!!!! I am really sorry you are going through such a rough time with your daughter and your work.

I have a similar situation, just my Mom lives on a different continent though, don't know what's better. I have always had issues with my Mom, ever since I can remember. Whereas she can be very supportive, she has ALWAYS been critical or downright mean, no matter what I do.

I went from a size 4/6 to a size 16, I had packed on some weight after the birth of my second son and then had a pretty bad horseback riding accident 2.5 years ago which had me out of my exercising schedule for over a year. Me, who never had a weight problem became a yo-yo dieter. At some point she threw in my face that it is not her fault that I "shove food in my face and have become a fat pig".

I don't want to elaborate on the issues with me and my Mom, at some point I have just learned that some people shouldn't be parents and that unconditional love or even compassion or supportiveness is not in their DNA. I am not saying that it isn't hurtful, painful or devestating. But at some point, we will have to let go. You ARE a unique, gifted and terrific person. What your Mom says, her lack of compassion or love, does NOT reflect on you, it does not change who you are, in fact, her comments reflect badly on her.

I am sure, in her own way, shes DOES love you and probably doesn't even realize how hurtful her comments are. It may not be the way you or I want to be treated or how we would treat our sons or daughters, but it is what it is.

The way I see it now, you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. You won't be able to change your Mom, as I can't change mine. The only person you have control over is yourself and the way you deal with the questionable or downright mean comments of your Mom.

You are NOT alone, there are a lot of people who respect you, admire you and love you.

Sending you hugs and support!!!!!
 
Reese I too have a mother very similar. I remember when I was a teenager I had gained weight. (Hormones and stuff) I had very very low self esteem and I look back now and I realise I was very very unhappy.

Then, I lost some weight (met a boy and all that teenage stuff and I was happy for the first time in life and proud of myself) My mother, Who, I, couldn't understand why she treated me the way she did, when I hero worshipped her! Anyway, she told me I looked like something out of "Bergen belsen" (SP?). She was jealous, you see. That comment was the beginning of the end and I started to see through her. I have hours and hours of stories about my mother, and to this day, (I am now 43) I am angry, hurt and bitter.

The happy ending to my story is I will love my daughters for who they are, and I want them to be able to come to me and tell me anything! I vow, that, I will be a fantastic parent because I leant from her how to be a rotten one.

You, have enough to worry about, its hard not to crash when people are attacking you from all sides. Hang in there!

Andrea
 
Reese,

All the best to you.

Remember, you have the power to choose how you want to live.
Believe that GOD doesn't create junk but beauty (like yourself) and treat yourself and always remember that you are beautiful in HIS sight.

Think Positive, Life is TOO short to be miserable.
Don't listen to the attacks and be strong at work.


Peace to You.
 
Reese I'll be praying for you.

I go through the same thing with my mom. Its not as bad as it use to be. I was either too fat too thin hair too short etc. I have a sister whose alot older than me and she doesn't talk to her. I wasn't raised with her so she don't talk to me either and I have no idea what she went through but I can understand why she cut of communications. I don't understand why some mothers are like they are but I hope that I learned from her on how not to treat my daughters.

I learned that when I get upset over it it fueled my mothers fire even more so I would tell her that her opinion of me means absolutly nothing to me and she started to ease off the comments.

I was an unhappy child and teenager and young adult. Now that I'm in my thirtys I've learned to be happy with myself and not worry about what other people think most of all my mothers.

Farrah
 
Reese, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you're going thru. Work, family, LIFE.....it just has a way of compounding and multiplying, doesn't it?

The one thing I like to remember...I'm not sure where I heard it the very first time, or who said it. But I like to live the motto:

Surround yourself with positive people.

It truly makes all the difference.

Keep your distance from those that aren't so supportive, and hunker in with those that are. It takes some work and some perserverance to get to that point, but in the end it's all worth it. I PROMISE!

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Gayle
 
Thanks to all of you. I especially appreciate all of your kind thoughts and prayers. The line between what we have control over and what we don't gets blurry sometimes, doesn't it? I think I need to make some major changes in my life and I especially like your comment "surround yourself with positive people". I truly believe that I've been singled out at work the way I have because I refuse to associate with the group on all of their multiple functions (that involve horrible eating)because they're all fake and very negative. I don't need it, but by setting myself apart, I'm an easy target.

I didn't acknowledge that my mother's comment offended and hurt me, but I left right after that. I want to be "done" with her, but I keep telling (lying to) myself that "this time it will be different" and it never is.

I need to accept this reality!

Thanks for letting me vent!

:)
 
I just want to add my two cents.
She sounds like my Mom.
She was always so critical of my weight.
But I see now the poor gal is just so superficial.
She judges everyone by their appearance and she assumes everyone is judging her appearance. She can't go anywhere unless her hair and clothes are perfect. Her house has to be super clean.
She would not vote for some candidates because they were too short.
I kid you not . Twice she told me the reason she would not vote for two presidential candidate was because one was too short and the other looked like her brother-in-law. That was her only reason.
So when she is critical of you just consider the source.
 
Ah, mothers and their daughters.....

I got through this with my mom in a variety of different ways, though lately we are getting better.

I think that mothers are VERY hard on their daughters, and usually one more than another, becuase they know potential and they want the best for their kids. Sometimes they continue to push you like you are 5 years old and they dont evern realize it. And sometiems mothers are harsh without realizing it.

Have you ever spoken to her about the negative attitude? Maybe if she knew that she made you feel badly, hearing it from your mouth, she'd adjust her converastion or remember that you are an adult with many wonderful qualities and you deserve to be treated better.

Good luck
 
>Tonight she just
>subtly dropped that my little sister was bringing a bunch of
>clothes out for alterations because they were "falling off of
>her". This does not make me jealous in the least of my
>sister, because I know she's a drug user, and that is what
>makes her thin. But Mom was saying it to hurt me, or to
>gently say "you're fat." She is such a b!tch! Why can't she
>just love me?

Clearly, I'm in the minority here as no one yet has brought this up, but .... is there any chance that you are reading WAY too much into your mother's comments? The example here, if this was all that was said, says nothing at ALL about you. You might THINK she was subtly trying to ding you, but .... maybe she wasn't. If your sister is a drug user and that's why she's thin, that was potentially a great opportunity for you to express concern about your sister's health, rather than make, what at least to an outsider, seems like a huge leap in interpretation. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't about you at all?

I could be totally off base here. But I wanted to throw it out there as I, at least, didn't see anything in your mom's comment that would warrant your interpretation. Perhaps all the crap that's going on right now is clouding your judgment?
 
I can see why someone might think this, but no - I don't think you are correct.

My Mom has a notorious history of dropping these lines around me and this one may have been more subtle, but I felt it was directed toward me because she made it after staring at me for a lengthy period of time while I was laying on the floor with her cat playing with toys. In the past, she's said that dress pants that were literally falling off of me they were so baggy were too tight; and after the birth of my baby (when by the way, I weight 142 - and now I weigh 160) she constantly told me my face looked fat. She's just a beyotch. Probably because she is miserable in herself, but that doesn't make her comments any less painful.
 
Seize this opportunity to change what you don't like in your life, such as your job. I love my mom dearly and we have a good relationship but I am her primary caretaker (she lives with me) and sometimes it is hard. She can be negative in a way that sometimes stuns me. As someone mentioned earlier, you can choose to "own" mom's comments or consider the source. I suspect your mom dishes similar to your sister when you aren't around. Maybe she's lonely and that's her way of getting attention, even if it's negative. I'm so sorry that life is kinda stinky right now but hang in there and know that many can relate. You will get through this.
 
My mom is like this too. She loves me, I know, but she is in pain herself. My mother had a horrible childhood. She had an alcoholic father who abandoned his wife and six children, and they were desperately poor. In addition, she was abused for years by a relative. She escaped at sixteen, but at the cost of her freedom and her youth. Within a few years, she had a husband and two children. These things are far in her past, and she has a very nice, comfortable life now, but she has never been happy, and she never will be.

I love my mother, and my heart breaks for her, but she won't let me help her. She is a toxic presence, so I keep my distance from her, but I love her just the same. I just don't hang around her. She feels a need to control me, to make me over in her own image. It hurts her, I know, when I won't conform, and she uses guilt to manipulate me.

I know there are reasons for her actions and that many of them are irrational. She doesn't understand them herself. So I just try to be there when she really needs me -- when she's ill for example. The rest of the time, I stay away. I never say anything hurtful in return, and I never respond when she hurts me. She feeds off that. This has worked for me for many years. It isn't a perfect solution. There isn't a perfect solution. But I believe this is the best I can hope for. I wish it were different, but that doesn't make it so.

I hope you, too, can work out some kind of compromise with your mom, and I hope you can someday understand why she is the way she is. Knowing why helps immeasurably.

Shari
 
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