Why can't they just get along?

6

67firecracker

Cathlete
Had a whirlwind day with a brunch, a funeral and a meeting - and a couple hours of travel time. Came home to my children having a huge fight. They are 15,14 and 11. Why can't they just get along? I feel like they're preschoolers and I have to be home all the time or they destroy the place. When I'm home nothing out the ordinary happens. When I leave they go nuts! Am I alone in this? Has anyone found a creative way to deal with this?

Trishx(
 
No, your not alone in this at all. I have 3 boys, ages 16, 14, and 8. The oldest and youngest get along great, the middle one is great on his own, but the three of them ALONE together is never a good thing at my house. I need some creative ideas for this problem also.

Diana
 
My mom had FOUR girls. We have always, & may always, fight, bicker, pull each other's hair out, tear up the place. However, when my mom died & it was just us, we stuck together. We have our own lives now, and it may be distanced because we don't have the same interests. I personally can't picture any one of us shutting each other out, like strangers. I think we could probably still feel the other's pain.

Marla
 
I have no creative ideas to prevent it. Mine are 12 and 14yo. I think it's all part of life. I used to fight with my two brothers. However, I always make sure I don't get involved: I let them solve it by themselves.

When they fight (and it's always physical) I either stick them in one of their bed rooms together and tell them to stay there until they sorted it out, or I throw them out in the garden and tell them to have a good fight, but mind the plants, any damaged plants will be replaced from their pocket money.

They just stare at eachother menacingly for a few minutes than decide they're good friends and play nice. Whatever it is they're fighting about, it's never anything important.

Guess that didn't really help did it?

Dutchie
 
A friend of mine once knew a mother who's punishment for too much fighting would be to make her kids stand on a street corner holding up signs that said, "I love my brother." I thought this was hilarious.

Briee makes her kids do push-ups, which is great as long as it doesn't turn them off to excercie. I like this approach, too, cause it's kind of light-hearted but gets the message across.

My kids are 12, 10 and 4 and don't really fight too much, but if I have to tell them more than three times to stop doing something, they lose a privilege the next day. I always give a warning and am very consistent with this so it really works. (With my 4-yr-old I usually take away a toy for a day or two so the consequence is more immediate.)

Good luck! :)
 
*SIGH* It's probably just the age. When I got to the bottom of it my dd was the root cause. She's 14 and seems terribly hormonal right now - TOM hasn't yet happened in her life :eek: !!! She was gone yesterday and when she returned she demanded use of the PC, complained about the supper her db had made, got on the other one about spending too much time watching TV and was basically a ...uh, I can't think of a word to use? x( I'm told 14 is the worst year for girls and it's probably compounded by the hormonal garbage. She's always been decent, sensible and easy to talk to but when I tried to talk to her about her part in this she can't seem to see that she had any part in it!

I'm still trying to think of a creative solution so next time that I'm gone it doesn't happen again. The sign on the street idea was hilarious!!!

Trish
 
When I was growing up, my sister, brother and I were always fighting. My brother was a huge instigator. One time he gave my sister a bloody nose. One time I tried to push her down the stairs. (She was the middle child). Oh man! I just remembered one time when I was a teenager, I borrowed one of her shirts without her permission and she saw me walking down the street and tried to take it off me! Right out there in the middle of the neighborhood! (I had boobs by this time).

We eventually outgrew it, but I never felt like we became close. My brother died a few years back and I had gotten so bogged down in my memory of how much trouble he started, that I forgot how much we actually did like each other. While going through my mother's attic after she died, I found a bunch of letters that he and I had written to each other while he was an exchange student in Finland (he was 19, I was 15). And I was able to remember how much we made each other laugh and what a special guy he was.

It's totally normal for kids to fight with their brothers and sisters. You know, the people who drive you the most nuts are usually the ones that are most like you. They will most likely outgrow it. And hopefully they will become close adults.
 
Mine are only 7 and 9, but they get along really well. Other than a few argumants here and there, they realy play nice together. I think I better enjoy it while it lasts!!:eek:
 
It sounds like they are in a power struggle when you're not there. Perhaps maybe one of them feels that they are in charge when you're out, so they become kind of "bossy" and the others don't like it? Maybe the next time you leave them, you should leave clear instructions for each as to who will do what and be in charge of what...give each one an area to be "boss" of, but for stuff like TV and phone, leave general instructions for each without leaving someone in charge of those things (it's to easy to abuse these items). Or maybe you should just lay down the law before you go and say, "This is how it's gonna be while I'm gone. No video games or TV. Johnny, I want you to cut the grass. Mary, I want you to do the dishes and vacuum the floors. Janie, I want you to clean the bathrooms, and do that last load of laundry. If something isn't done when I get home, the person responsible for it doesn't watch TV (or loses phone privileges, or whatever) for a week.
 
Susan, you hit the key with your post. CONSISTENCY!!!

You have to "parent" the same way every time you discipline your kids. You can't play favorites or go easy this time and hard the next. You have to be consistent from an early age; otherwise, you become flaky to your children, and that means they won't take you seriously. And, if you say you're going to do something, DO IT! Don't threaten your kids with a punishment just to get them to behave, but then not follow through when they continue acting up. For example: Your daughter is not cleaning her room like you asked her to. You threaten to take away her phone privileges for a week if she doesn't. She still doesn't clean her room. You threaten some more...she still doesn't clean. You give up. Bad move. Now your daughter knows you're someone she can walk all over. Or, perhaps you DO take away her phone privileges, only to cave in two days later and let her call her friend. Another bad move, because again, you become someone your daughter knows she can walk all over.
 
Catwoman, actually your idea sounds like a very sensible one. Give each a "job description". I wouldn't know if it would work, because I only have one kid, but coming from a 4 girl family, that rings of possibilities.

Marla
 
I know this may not help, but my children did this when they were young. Now they are close as adults. My grandchildren can't wait to have someone to play with, but when they get together they bicker and fight. I try to encourage them to enjoy each other. We used to leave the house when our children were teenagers and have an unexpected drop in. You will be surprised at what you will find. I will say sometimes they would be just sitting there laid back. Sometimes it lead to some form of correction. Anyway, I think they all turned out great, so look at it that way.
Diane Sue
 
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