When doing something right feels so very wrong.

E

eaglobo

Cathlete
Yesterday was brutal for me, I had to tell my older brother he is not welcome as a guest in my house, at least for the present time, and I feel like garbage for my decision, but I wouldn't change it.

Long story short, he's pretty much belittled me most of my life because I didn't follow in his footsteps and go to college, basically considers me a failure. Where it gets tricky is we both have battled through depression at one time or another, and that was the only thing that drew us close. I have been on depression meds for 9 plus years, and have to take them for life, and I do so gladly, it's given me a chance at a normal life. He's in the same boat as me, yet has taken himself off his meds on more than one occasion, and the kicker is, he's a doctor himself...should know better than anyone the damage he's doing.

Last time he visited, he stayed at our house, basically told me to get off my meds, they were only harming me, did two or three other things that went against my wishes, yet I held my tongue.

He basically invited himself to stay with me a couple of weeks from now, he already made the plans without even consulting me, and I told him no, it's better for all concerned that he get a hotel room.

So, after years of humilation, I stand up to him fianlly, yet I'm the one who couldn't sleep last night and feel like dogcrap today. It won't change my decision, but still, I thought I'd feel better about finally getting a backbone when it comes to him.

Vent off...feel a little better now!

Jerry
 
Jerry, I'm sorry about this. We've had conversations about it before and just realize that doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing. It's hard to have to put limits on relationships, especially with a family member but when it is a toxic relationship it's the only thing you can do for your health.
 
Jerry,

You did the right thing. He's probably able to go off of his medicine because he's picking himself up by putting everyone else down. You probably aren't the only one he abuses. If he gets the message from those people he abuses then maybe he'll analyze his situation again and go back on the meds. In the long run you may be helping him.

Hold your head and heart up.

Dave
 
Jerry- I am so proud of you! I know that it took a lot to be able to stand up to your brother! Tough love is just that.....TOUGH!! Whether it be loving your brother....or in this case, loving yourself enough not to put yourself in the position where you know he'll belittle and berate you!!! Chalk this up to 'therapy' in addition to the medication!!!

I know that it still makes you feel like cr@p, but you are doing yourself a favor and helping maintain your mental health!!! (and I'm NOT talking about the depression!)

HUGS!!!!!
 
Awww Jerry, I'm so sorry. If it helps you're not alone. I think almost everyone comes from some kind of dysfunctional family (in fact I'm wondering if dysfunctional now translates into normal).

I once had a counselor tell me I'd be better off without my mom in my life. I couldn't accept it out of guilt but when she stopped talking to me I realized he was right.

You did the right thing. If your family can't be supportive & can only be negative, you're better off. I decided recently that I wouldn't allow any more negativity in my personal life, regardless of the source, & I am so much more emotionally healthy! I hope the same occurs for you........
 
Good for you, Jerry! I agree with Dave. I've also noticed what Laura has noticed. Everyone seems to have at least one major issue going on with family. It really sounds to me like you did the right thing. Congratulations for putting your foot down!
 
{{{{{Jerry}}}}}

I really have nothing to add to what's already been said. I always refer to my family as the "fam damily" . Remember this; a good friendship is God's way of saying He's sorry about our family.
 
Jerry you should be very proud of yourself!!! I know it had to be a very hard step to take but it was the right thing to do.

Stay strong and hold your head high!!!!
 
Thanks for the replies everyone, greatly appreciated!!!!!!! I do feel better about my decision now that I fell asleep for a couple hours:)

This went on far too long. One thing about me, be it right or worng, is that I am not one of those people who overlook things just because it's "family".

Wrong is wrong, I don't care who does it, and I've taken the last amount of abuse I am going to take from him. I do believe you're right, Dave, when you say he gets off of belittling others, he has always been this way. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs, but I've come through too much in my life to be put down anymore.

Thanks again,

Jerry
 
My parents are toxic, and I had to swear them off not too long ago. I was feeling bad about it, but feeling great about finally doing it. Confusing! Then my mother-in-law put it in perspective for me. She said that whether I felt sad about it or not, I was going through a type of mourning, and that's why I felt bad inside. That was it! I was finally mourning all the years of crap and abuse and secrecy, and letting it go. I was also mourning the loss of parents- almost like they died. It was one of the best desicions I've ever made.
 
Jerry -

I am very proud of you. That must have been an extremely difficult decision to make, and I bet telling your brother that he wasn't welcome to stay in your home was one of the hardest conversations you have ever had. I am truely glad that you stood up for yourself and your emotional well-being. If you have found a way to be happy, the people who love you should support that. Hopefully, he will be able to find that happiness himself someday.
 
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