What's wrong with me?????????

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
...........that I can't seem to make decisions? I mean, seriously. Is it some sort of chemical imbalance or is it some inherited mutant gene or something. I'd really love to know! Is this my personality forever. Dysthmia or something? Am I just an overthinker. I mean, what?


I want to know if anyone else has this problem. And I mean not just having a hard time making up your mind, but I mean SEVERE vascilation in coming up with an important decision, vascilation that NEVER ENDS.

I have to decide now whether I want to go ahead and continue Nursing School in the Spring. Those of you that know my story (how could you not?), know how much I struggled with whether nursing was (is?) right for me. First I said, "Well, I'll never know till I try". Halfway thru the semester, I acknowleged that I loved learning and feeling like I was doing something worthy but mostly wanted to hide in the SPD closet all during clinical. There were many tear soaked Thursday nights writing careplans till the wee hours where I swore I was just going to drop out and do something else. I would be 100% confident that that was the right thing to do at 12 am. Then, I would wake up, get to school (griping or crying the whole way), and by the end of the day, think, "Maybe I can do this. Maybe it is not so bad". I would feel like everyone else... until the next week, when the whole cycle would repeat itself!!! But am I EXCITED to start an IV or do a dressing change?? Not in the slightest! Do I think it is interesting to learn what happens to the body in COPD?? Oh yeah!!

But now, just like the beginning of LAST semester, I say, "Ok. Maybe I COULD do this, but do I WANT to do this??" WANT being the operative word. Again, just like last semester, I can't answer (or am afraid to answer?). I told myself I would be able to tell after semester 1, but I still can't. I don't really like the hands on of nursing but I think I would feel very much like a failure if I quit school. I feel like maybe something in nursing could be for me, I just don't know it yet? I feel like "what if I am giving up the opportunity of my lifetime??" My sister thinks I want to be a personal trainer deep down and thinks allow myself to admit that, quit school, and "do what I love". But I wonder if that person is even me anymore. She thinks I am pursuing this nursing degree for everyone else but myself.

No offense to trainers here, but I feel like if I were to stop now and go into training that I will have failed. I almost feel like that in order to be termed a "success" in life I have to make over $20.00/hr consistently. Then I get to thinking about the other people in NS with me and think, "They aren't any better than me" but then I still wonder what the heck I am doing when I smell feces again for the millionth time that day. I don't get warm fuzzies from helping people. No, I just get more and more depressed from seeing sick people all day in and all day out every day. Now I am working in the hospital and with my dad's recent diagnosis..........well, it seems I can't get away from all of it! Uck! Everyone is SICK SICK SICK. I want to be around people that are relatively healthy and want to get healthier or stronger.

You know, it is like I have a little angel and a little devil on my shoulders all the time but neither ever wins out. It is just a constant argument. They argue about school, about having kids...anything more important than what is for dinner. I go to therapy and get on meds...nope, that didn't help......I talk to people at school.......nope, they can't relate....talk to my husband.....he has no advice, can't relate. Talk to my family......they say "you gotta do what is right for you"..........BUT WHY CAN'T I DECIDE ANYTHING FOR SURE, MAKE IT HAPPEN, AND FEEL CONFIDENT IN MY DECISIONS??? I have got to decide about school NOW. I have a thousand dollar bill that has to be paid!! I pushed snooze on my alarm today........swore I shouldn't go to school...just drop out....cried all the way there (over various things I am sure)........but stayed. And felt better when the day was over. Not about my decision to go to school, but about the fact that I am still here. I pushed through one more day. Yeah me.

I mean, I think about this crap so much that it literally consumes me. I buy self help books to try and "fix" myself. I wonder what happened to the old me that just knew I was screwed up from childhood but wasn't consumed with dysfunction. Back then I wanted to workout, I wanted to be healthy. Now, I just wonder what it all is for....why bother?

Should I flip a coin????? I am seriously about ready to, LOL. Oh..............I know! I could make it into a Cathe.com poll!! Do you guys want to decide for me????? Ok....should I have kids and should I continue on in nursing school are the subjects up for debate...LOL....Can I make hiding under the sheets curled into the fetal position for the rest of my life an option? Pretty please?
 
OK. The first impression I got was this: "YOU DO NOT LIKE NURSING AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO IT FOR A LIVING!"

Is that correct? If it is, are you really a failure if you acknowdedge that and change course?
 
Please stop judging yourself and even thinking about notions like "failure" or something being wrong with you. It's not about that. It's about what you really want to do with the rest of your life. If you decide that properly, you will be a success by every standard.

Just from the little you've mentioned, I'm getting the idea you might be better off as a researcher in the medical field than as a nurse. Can I be so presumptious as to make a decision for you? Go out and buy the book Do What You Are. I think it costs about $13. Spend the weekend reading it and finding out a bit more about yourself. The reason you can't make a decision is because you don't have enough information, not because there is anything wrong with you. The tests in the book are fun and you will be surprised by how much you learn, and how many things you really do already know about yourself. Do not be afraid of what you learn. Think for the long term. Don't worry about sorting out the details now. Today doesn't matter. Be open to what you learn about yourself, and really try to decide what's best for you IN THE LONG RUN. Then, and only then, should you try to make a decision about any of the details.

And please stop putting yourself down, okay? As in STOP RIGHT NOW or I will come over and hit you. :+

-Nancy
 
You need to weigh your options. Is nursing really what you want to do? Is so what type of nursing? Emergenycy room, maternity, research etc. There are areas where you don't feel like you are just stuck with sick people. If not nursing are there other medical areas you might be interested in? Since you mentioned personal training, have you thought about physical therapy. I just came from a physical therapy appointment today (my second one for a hip muscle injury). I was like really impressed with what they do. I am not only getting relief for my injury, I got a heck of a workout doing the exercises. Career planing is so hard. I wish you luck in finding your calling.
Jean
 
Janice - are you a Gemini? You sound like my sister when she tries to make a decision. Yesterday it was literally 3 hours on the phone with me deciding on whether the Border Collie or the Aussie Dog charm would be better from my DD's charm bracelet. I wanted to shoot her... LOL (I love my sister, I love my sister...) *I do, really*

I'm 41 and still trying to decide what I would like to do. It's not dysfunctional - it's human. Why don't you make a list of the things you like about nursing and the things you do not like. I mean - would like like to be a nurse in a pediatric office? Maybe an OBGYN nurse? There are so many different options. One of my friends has a business (I get nothing from referring you - I'm just trying to help you) called Nursetown.com. There is a forum on there - do you think talking to other nurses might help you decide if you even want to be a nurse and if so, what kind. School is different than actual application.

As for the success vs happiness. I hold a different view. If you are not happy in what you do, no matter how much you make, you are not successful. You do know that there is no law that says if you go through nursing school, you HAVE to be a nurse, right? Or you have to ONLY be a nurse. You can also do personal training.

I'm going to be a little different here - I'm going to vote that you stay in school for another semester to see if things change for you. You'll probably know better after another semester.

And ABSOLUTELY - no matter what you decide - YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! The only failures are the people who refuse to try - you're trying! You should be darned proud of yourself!!!
 
Just want to jump in here... remember you are going through A LOT of TOUGH things with your family. Personally when I'm in crisis. mode it's difficult to focus on much so it could be that too?

But definetely agree with others you are NOT a failure and sounds like you have a lot of different options.

Good luck!

We are always here for you :)
 
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. I started in nursing school after my mother almost died a few months prior. I liked the notion of helping people and thought the career would be incredibly rewarding.

After only one semester I realized that the "hands on" aspect of nursing did not appeal to me whatsoever. I couldn't stomach the idea of giving shots, seeing blood, etc. And those darn chemistry goggles left impressions around my eyes that lasted the entire day, lol!

So I switched to psychology and enjoyed it quite a bit. I learned a lot about myself over the course of the next 3 years but soon realized that I am a highly sensitive person who would probably take home my client's troubles with me.

I then switched yet again to a business major which extended my total collegiate experience to 4 1/2 years. I managed a bank for several years and am now a general manager in my family's company.

So what's my point? My point is that career choices are dynamic and your interests are everchanging. Don't think you have one attempt at making a choice and that you are stuck forever. No wonder you can't make a decision!

Try taking more of your general educational requirement type classes now and maybe choose an elective type class that you want to find out more about. With time, things have a way of working themselves out on their own.
 
>Should I flip a coin????? I am seriously about ready to, LOL.

Actually, that might work, because at the moment you do it, what you REALLY want to do will become clear, because you'll be hoping for one or the other answer. If not, then either one will do, and the coin toss will give you the direction to go in.
 
Would this spring semester be your last semester? If so, I'd stick it out and see what happens - like everyone else said, you can work in OB or some other area where it's not all sick people all the time. Or you could add to your nursing degree and get a degree in exercise science/physiology (what I'm doing - it's so interesting and really fun) or physical therapy assistant, then you could work in cardiac rehab, or PT, or be a trainer for a sports team. What about being a EKG tech? All they do is hook up 12 lead EKG's and they make $25/hr! - might be a little boring but good money - Just some suggestions.

If next semester isn't your last, I would drop out and do what you want - who cares if you don't make $20/hr (athough trainers w/ a BS in exercise science make over $20/hr around here)- it's not worth the stress to stay in school when you hate it so much.

I totally understand how you feel. I was originally enrolled in nursing school but had a change of heart before I started. I just realized that I needed to do what I enjoyed and was really interested in.
 
Janice,

Do you have a perfectionist personality? If so, that may be the root of the procrastination. Perfectionists are notoriously bad decision makers because the fear of failure is so high.

I concur with others that it sounds like you really enjoy the TOPIC area, but you don't necessarily like the way you're applying it. Therefore, it would make sense to do some research in other ways you could apply what you're learning in nursing school. Perhaps you are actually more interested in biology or chemistry, working for a pharmaceutical firm, etc.

BTW, I'm very sorry about your dad. The thread was really long by the time I saw it so I didn't comment.

Good luck!
Marie
 
Thank you all for your comments.

Curly Q........may I ask more about your exercise science program? What do you want to do with that degree, unltimately??

I spoke to my instructor today, leveled with her about my feelings. She told me to do a personality test (which, by the way Nancy...I have done them ALL and HAVE THAT BOOK and many others already, thanks). I told her I had, that I have the knowledge of what I might be good at/like doing but that I am stuck in some kind of purgatory as far as finding my ideal career. After some talking, she concluded that I should see a counselor at the school. She thought that may help but did think that my chronic lack of passion for any career could be linked to my dysfunctional childhood where dreams did not exist.

I did finish first sememster today though, successfully. YEAH! I went out with my class and had some drinks and we had a blast. Stayed for five hours!!! I really like them all and will be sad to leave if that is what I decide. You may be able to push through normal college without being "sure" but nursing school is WAY, WAY, WAY too much work when you are uncertain.

At any rate, I am going to dig up my career books once again and alternate that reading with my cancer books for my Dad.

Thanks, I'll let ya all know...
 
Hi Janice,

I agree with Christine -- you can go through nursing school and not have to be a nurse! Is there any appeal for you in continuing your studies with the knowledge that once you complete them, you will go off and use the valuable knowledge you have gained in a different field? I know several people who are personal trainers, group fitness or yoga instructors. Most of them were practising nurses for a short time or not at all. One of them, in her bio, always has "a registered nurse by training,..." and then goes into her yoga teacher training services. Being an R.N. brings them huge credibility. The public recognizes it and it shows that your knowledge of the body (and your ability to do first aid) is much greater than that of the general population. So, if you want to or can get through the training, then end up doing something else, it is NOT a waste!

Good luck to you. I think that many of have been caught up in indecision during stressful periods. It is normal, even though it is extremely unpleasant to go through.

Stebby
 
http://tinyurl.com/bdg9s

Gotta check out this book, Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck.

I heart this woman, she makes so much sense.

It's sure been true in my life that whenever I'm on the wrong course, my very soul is screaming No! inside my body even if I try to ignore it.

Hope you find your way.

Of course, pray.

:) Bella
 
I also have a hard time with decisions. I am a perfectionist and making decisions about anything are difficult - down to ordering Ice Tea or Diet Soda when dining out. I now order whatever my hubby orders to nix the decision. I feel conditions have to be perfect for me to accomplish things - I often feel if I do not have the perfect tools that I cannot accomplish my task. That is one reason why I have had difficult time dieting and working out and loosing weight.

It sounds like you really do not want to be a nurse. Maybe you are interested enough in parts of the medical field to do independent research for your personal gratification.

If you resolved this issue would you be relieved of carrying this burden - or would you have another burden to replace this one? To keep up - or to make you cry over indecision? I find myself doing this at times.

Money is not everything - do not count success by money - it is by personal happiness and self satisfaction from your family and whatever you do - even if you are bagging groceries and being polite to the customers. (I love the person that does this at my grocery store - they always make me happy). The world is so focused on material things this can be easy to get caught up in.

When you feel consumed, get on the floor do some stretches, meditate or pray. I imagine trying to feel centered (if this makes sense?), firm and confident because I believe we all have a place in this world for a reason.

I hope this didn't sound preachy - these are just questions I ask myself when I get "crazy" over something that is not really the end of my world.

jooge
 
THANK YOU!!!!


Getting that book.........looks really good! I will find my way, one day!!! I appreciate you all taking the time to respond;-)
 
Okay, I realize that I am a little late on coming on to this thread, but I feel I must reply.

I know exactly how you are feeling, Janice. I have struggled with the EXACT feelings that you are. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you AT ALL, you don't need to fix yourself. I do have to say though, YOU MUSTN'T DO ANOTHER SEMESTER! You will just end up with a degree you hate, and you will be stuck in a career you hate. If you must get a degree, why don't you look into nutritionist? Or you could get a biology degree and go into research. I don't know if that is you or not, though. Have you ever considered being a gym teacher?

Unless you do what you love, you will be miserable. I don't see you as a happy nurse, sorry but I don't. If you are struggling this much, it is not for you. My sister is graduating from nursing school this weekend, and while she was studying she was the exact opposite of you. She loved it and looked forward to it everyday.

Do what you love. That is what will make you successful in all realms.

Missy
 
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