What would you do? Long

K

KimDW

Cathlete
I need a general consensus of what you guys would do if in this situation. I'm not asking for anyone to "tell" me what to do.

I've been thinking of telling my husband (10yrs married - no kids - 1 dog)that it isn't working anymore and that I want a divorce. I'm always happier when I'm by myself, we can't even look at each other without the other saying "what? what did I do now?". He was diagnosed with OCD about 4 years ago and is taking medication and seeing a therapist BUT he isn't serious about getting help and getting better. I have tried to be supportive and help him but when I won't reassure him he gets mad. He's going to therapy and taking medication because me and his family think he should. He's not doing it for himself and he told me that. He's a musical instrument repair tech. and has lost two jobs because of his OCD (but denies it) and been basically out of work since around March of this year. He said he's going to start his own place (which is exactly what his family is telling him to do) and I told him it's a bad idea and I'm not having anything to do with it. He needs to go out and find a steady job so we can pay the bills. I can't pay all the bills anymore and I've told him that. I also told him back in May that if he didn't start helping around the house and start bringin in some money that I didn't think I'd be able to stay. I feel like such a heel for wanting to leave because he has no job, has a mental disorder, and would have to move in with his parents. There is no physical attraction there at all for me and I feel more like a caretaker than a wife - there is no partnership anymore at all. I've talked to a counselor and he made me realize that it's OK to want to leave. That I'm not a bad person for wanting this. But it's got to be my decision. I haven't gotten any legal advise yet. I don't want it to get nasty and I'm willing to negotiate on things but I think that his parents are going to make it nasty.

So back to my original question. What are you guys' thoughts on this. I just keep thinking that life is too short to be unhappy. Even if it means that I never get married again - I would be fine with that. I know he's unhappy and I don't feel that it's fair to him to make him think that the marriage is going to survive.

Kim
 
My "opinion" is that there is nothing wrong with making yourself happy. It sounds as if you tried to make things work and to help him. I would say that the ball is in his park now. JMO.
LD
 
I agree with your therapist that it's OK to want to leave. You are right, life is too short to be unhappy. It is kinder to leave now than to make him think there is any hope for a happy future. Obviously I don't know him, but it sounds to me like he is content with things the way they are. Your leaving may be the best thing for him to take control of his own life, if that makes any sense. Yes he will be upset and probably it will be very hard on him at first, but in the long run I think he (and you) will be better off.
 
My gut reaction is that if he were trying to help himself and trying to get better, I would probably stay and be supportive. But if he's in denial about his problems, and has been for some time, I just can't see me wasting my time on someone who isn't even trying. No one is perfect, we all have our issues, but if you turn me into a perpetual caretaker because you refuse to do anything for yourself, then you don't deserve me.

That's right off the top of my head, without much thought. Now I'll see what others have said.
 
You have to do what's right for you. There comes a point in your life where you have to be #1 for mental, emotional & physical health.

That said, have you tried couples counseling? I mean, truly exhausted all options? Do you feel like you're still in love w/him, or that you just love him? (there's a huge difference IMO)

I have a policy when I make huge life decisions. I say to myself "I don't want to look back in 20 years & say 'I should have'". Just be sure that you look at all your options, don't do something you regret, & be true to yourself.
 
I do love him because I care what happens to him. But it's not an "in love" feeling anymore. More like how I love my family members. I asked him last year if he'd like to go to counseling and he said "Do you really think we need it?" I said yes and he never said anything else. The thing is that I don't think I can get back the feelings I had. I've thought that too about when I'm 60 years old do I really want to be where I am and the immediate answer is no. I've been with him since I was 16 years old and I'm 33 now. So he's been in my life for half of it. We have a good time if we're just watching a movie or going out to dinner - more like friends are.

Kim
 
Kim,

Sounds like you are in the same place I was about 7 years ago when I left my first husband. We got together when I was 17 and your story has some similarities to mine. You get to a place when you realize that your core beliefs are just too different to try to continue the relationship as a marriage. A book that really helped me crystallize my thinking (I had already decided, sounds like maybe you have too, I just wanted another dose of clarity) was Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.

Take care.

Suzanne
 
Sometimes people come in our lives for a purpose and when the purpose is fulfilled and we have grown we move on to another purpose. That is what I believe. I know now that some in my past were there for my growth as a person. I am prolly not helping but, ultimately maybe you could handle him more as a friend and being independent and happy better than the situation you are in now. I wish you the best as this change will not be easy but you will grow in strength. God Bless!! duck
 
Kim, I don't know what I would do but just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Hang in there and I hope that you decide what is best for you.

Karin
 
That's a toughie indeed. My advice is that you think long and hard about everything encompassed in this decision without worrying about what others think (ie family). It's a big one and you need to weigh all the factors. You may want to go to a counselor to help you think it through and give you some support when you make that decision. No matter what you decide, it isn't easy. You deserve to be happy and only you will keep your best interest in mind an make sure that happens. Good luck!
 
I agree that life is too short to stay where you are not happy. It sounds as if he is also unhappy and unfulfilled. I feel there is nothing wrong with moving on. Good luck to you.
 
Kim,

Life is definitely too short to waste it helping someone who doesn't want to be helped. It does sound hard hearted to leave someone when they are sick or disabled, but I think if you don't act sefishly you will live to regret it.

It might be the 'kick up the a*rse' your husband needs when he realise that he would have a lot to lose. He might take action and pull himself together. Or it might drive him to depression and he might take more drastic actions. Either way, you are not responsible for his behaviour. He is an adult and should take responsibilty for himself.

I wish you luck.

Yen
 
Firstly, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My husband and I went through a similar period about a year ago; it lasted for five years. He was suffering from depression, tried one anti-depressant, and after a few days, decided he could 'handle' his depression himself. That meant he gave in to it. He was controlling, contentious, and just an all around a$$ to be around-- he wouldn't get help nor would he modify his behavior. It was easier to be a victim of circumstance (my job is hard, you don't do X, I don't make enough money, etc.) than to take control of his life. Oh, and he drank too much. I woke up one morning and decided I'd had enough. I couldn't stand to be around him; I dreaded the weekends when he'd be home for extended periods of time. I also didn't love him, though I felt sorry for him. I was burnt out with trying to help him, and started thinking about leaving.

He noticed the change right away, and his behavior started improving. Needless to say, I didn't buy it! It made me madder that he could have changed all along, but would rather wallow(sp?) in it. After a few months, it blew up and it all came out (getting it off my chest probably helped a lot 'cause I was maaaddddd....) Everything changed after that. In short, he took control of his behavior. We moved back to our home state, both got new jobs, and things have been perfect for over a year.

I don't think he would have ever changed his behavior if I hadn't started talking about leaving. With his depression, it was all mememememe and to heck with the world!

I know your husband has a different disorder, but there were two books I read that really helped me to understand what was going on with my husband: I Don't Want to Talk About It, and more for me, Depression Burnout.

Hugs your way.
 
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