What would have you done?

C

cookiebaby

Cathlete
Hi everyone. I need advice and support. I would like to know what you would have done if you were in the same situation. I have a friend Jen, we have been friends since high school. Over the last two years, we really have lost touch. The main reason for that is that Jen has many problems. She has been married three times, six children in foster care, disfunctional family, imprisoned, drugs, alcohol, loose men, stayed at a mental institution for awhile, other problems with the law etc. (and she's only 24) Well, she has just recently got married again (to a very abusive, alcoholic possessive man who she has dated off and on again for years , beat one of her kids, and has tried to kill her before but she "loves" him, messed up!) Don't ask me how I became friends with her or why I stay her friend, it is beyond me. I have really tried to limit my contact with her. She also likes my husband and tries to play us against each other and start fights. Well, Jen and her new husband have a baby together that is three months old. This child has not been taken into protective custody. One night out of the blue last week, Jen shows up at my door at 11pm with the baby in her arms. She is hysterical, crying, puffy black and blue eyes, and she is wearing a ripped bloody sweater, tennis skirt and sandals. She smells of alcohol and is barely coherent. I immediately bring her in. The baby is just in a dirty diaper. I sit her down and try to calm her down. She babbles that her husband and her fought and he attacked her, and she grabbed the baby and ran. She has nowhere else to go etc. So my husband and her tell her she can stay the night, and we'll decide something in the morning, when she is sober too. So I set up a bed for her and offer to run to the 24 hour drugstore to get stuff for the baby. She sniffles and says how sorry she is. My husband offers to go to the store so I can talk to her. So he leaves. Jen and I start to talk, and she tells me how she wishes she could change her life, and she is starting anew. Then she asks me to watch the baby so she can go outside and smoke. We live in a small apartment building that doesn't allow smoking. I say ok and she goes out to have a smoke. THe baby is sleeping. Ten minutes later she doesn't come back, so I;m like how long does it take to have a cigarette. I hear someone coming to the door, I open it asking her how she's feeling it, but it isn't her. It's my husband with a bag of baby stuff. I ask him if he's seen her and he says no, that no one is outside. So I'm freaked out thinking her husband has tracked her down and abducted her or something. I take the baby abd my husband and I go searching for her everywhere in the building, outside etc. My husband takes the car to look for her. I call her house, all her other friends and family members, no one has seen her or really cares for that matter. I can't get in touch with her husband. It is now 1am. I don't know what to do neither does my hubby. We don't know anything about babies. I have to change, feed and soothe the baby. I wrap him in a blanket and put him on my bed with pillows around. I call my mother freaking out waking her up. She tells me to call the hospital, police etc to ask them if they have seen her, what to do and file a missing persons. The police tell me to keep the baby with me until the morning until they can come with a social worker. My husband and I stay up all night at our wits end. In the morning the police along with the case worker who took Jen's other kids away and is working with them, show up. I tell them the story. They take the baby and call Jen's mom, whho swears and tells them she don't give a dam. They get in touch with her husband, who is hangover and says he hasn't seen or heard from her. According to him, they fought, she attacked him with a bottle and took all his money. Well, I'm glad the baby is ok with the authorities. My husband and I are baffled at what happened until three nights later. It's 2am and we are sleeping and there is a thunderous knocking at our door. It's Jen! She is demanding to pick up the baby and go. She looks ragged and is drunk. I am so angry at her for what she did, telling her I worried and how dare she leave her baby and disappear. She is screaming, waking up all the neighbors. Then I tell her how her family refused to get involved and the social worker took the baby, and she blows up! SHe calls me every name in the book, and how dare I her friend give her child over to the devil who took her other kids away for no reason. Was it too much for her to ask that I watch the baby for a few days, she demands to know. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong! She says she went to have a cigarette, met some guy out in the parking lot, and went with him for a few days. She loves him and they are engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!! After three days. He is giving her money and she's leaving her husband, blah, and he wants to raise her baby as his own. I am so infuriated at this point and demand she leaves or I'll call the police and she can tell them what happened. So she leaves in a roar, to the guy waiting in the parking lot. Can you believe that? Then to top matters off, her husband calls me and blames me for her leaving him. I haven't talked to any of them since and I don't care to. What would have you done?
 
Cookiebaby,

What an incredible story! Don't question your judgment or actions AT ALL. You tried your best to be supportive and help a friend in need. When someone disappears and leaves a child behind, you have to contact the authorities. First, if you hadn't, she or her husband, in their disillusioned states, may have accused you of kidnapping. Second, you don't need to be in the middle of a battle trying to protect a child. Third, the baby is likely going to be better off if placed in foster care. I don't want to get into a whole thing about how foster care isn't always a positive thing, because in this situation, it is probably the best option for the baby's well-being.

You were also right to tell her to leave when she finally came back, even if you yelled or cursed at her in anger. She put a terrible burden on you. Her husband sounds like a total jerk and had no reason to call you. I wouldn't want to speak to them either.

When a friend is this out of control, you can either stick around and try to be supportive or distance yourself. I think you have tried the supportive method, but now some distance might be good. She is beyond the point at which you'd be able to help her and really needs professional care. Sometimes, it's hard to distance yourself because you may feel guilty, but please remember that you did all you could, and getting mixed up in this will only complicate your life in a completely negative way.

Well, that's my 2 cents! I think you did just fine!

Gina
 
That is some story! I am sorry you have to go through that with a friend. But let me tell you, my daughter that is just 14 had a friend that stole while in her precence and did some other stuff like drinking and sex and wanted to get my daughter involved. My daughters therapist told her this " You as one person can't save her alone. she will drag you down with her" She needs some serious medical attention. I know you care about her and want to help her but you also need to think of yourself and your husband. As for this child you did the right thing, she had no right to do that to you and expect you to sit there and take what she dishes out. In my oppinion on her pitting you and your hubby against each other is that she is jealous that she is not as put together as you two are and wants some of that or to break it up to make you hurt inside as much as she does, This woman sounds to me like she is in pain in her heart and doesn't know how to solve her problems. Sometimes for people like that they need to hit rock bottom to start to heal in their hearts. You sound like a dear friend but you alone can't solve her problems or help her.
 
You did absolutely the right thing. You probably saved that baby's life so I hope you are not doubting your actions.

A person who is this strung out on alchohol and drugs is in a totally narcissist mode. Her addictions are controlling her at this point and will continue to do this until she seeks help. She will only get help when she's ready.

Hopefully A-Jock will see this and respond. She may have a lot of insight because of what she does for a living.

Remember, you are dealing with a sick individual, friend or no friend.
 
Cookiebaby, you went above and beyond the call of duty and I think that shows how compassionate you are! But her life is a mess and it's too big a problem for you. It's her problem and she doesn't behave as if she is ready to change it. Perhaps she's been vicitmized along the way. She probably has but she has kids now and unless she makes the necessary changes and learns to protect herself and the children, we can only pray that they will be ok. Remember, should she show up at your door, that there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed. You stepped up and that's wonderful. You took care of that sweet and innocent little baby, poor thing! She needs help and lots of it but she also needs to see that her behavior is irratic and hooking up with a strange man in a parking lot is not the way to create a better life.. Be very careful. She will use if she can, all the while blaming womeone else and not owning her part in the disaster that is her life. I would do anything possible to protect the kids, who may be safer out of her hands. Do a little research and find out what resources there are for her to get help and start over. Let her know it's there. Know who to contact if she dumps her kids or endangers them but don't get too involved because you can't fix this. Only she can. And bless you! You and your husband are wonderful!
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

- Mary Oliver
 
I agree with everyone's posts! That woman is out of control and needs serious help - she will pull you down with her. You MUST refuse to allow that. I know it hurts to see a friend spiraling out of control - but you have to think of yourself in a situation like this. She will only change when she's hit rock bottom and is tired of being drunk, abused and abusive. You did the right thing and definitely saved that baby's life - no question in my mind. Pray for her and the baby and her other kids and somehow find the strength within yourself to distance yourself from her. It could be the best thing for her. Once she starts losing friends, her kids, and goes through all the men she can - only then will she try to turn her life around. She sounds like she's in desperate need of help. I'll pray for you.
 
Cookiebaby,

You absolutely did the right thing with the baby. You're a doll.

This chick and her husband both sound waaaaaaaaay too unstable to have any involvement with. Given their problems with alcohol, drugs, violence and whatever else, I'd call the police and see if a restraining order is appropriate before they decide to blame you for something else.

Good luck!!
 
I'm so sorry about this! I would have done the SAME thing you did and from now on, I'd never, ever have anything to do with her again. She is obviously very messed up and is an alcoholic. The authorities took her kids away for a reason! She needs help but she's the only one who can make that decision to get help. There's really nothing more you can do for her.
 
I believe you did the right thing, especially in regards to that poor baby. This woman sounds like my husband's cousin, who has had all 7 of her children taken away from her for similar reasons. We have an excellent women's shelter here in Portland Oregon called Shepherd's Door, which not only helps women and their children out of an immediate situation of homelessness and abuse, but helps them to rebuild their lives--job skills, education,etc. It is really a nice place. She was accepted into it, but refused to go. She does not think she has any problems. It's everyone else's fault. She does not really want help, she wants a handout, so that she can continue doing the things she likes to do. Helping her at this point is simply enabling her to continue. She has to "hit bottom" and hopefully she will do so soon. I have 14 years of sobriety and I can say there but for the grace of God, go I.

I would say, be really careful of having any dealings with your friend as long as she is blaming everyone else for her situation and refusing to take any responsibilty. Perhaps you could get a list of women's shelters and if she comes by asking for help, you could give her the phone numbers. If she really is ready to change, she may be willing to contact them and they can take it from there.

keep us posted--AND YOU DID THE RIGHT THING:)
Maggie
 
How awful for you!!:eek: I absolutely agree with everyone else here. Not only did you do the right thing, you went WAY above and beyond the call of duty for that poor baby. (If he gets placed with a good family he will have reason to thank you in eighteen years.) I also agree that you should terminate all contact with Jen - she is the embodiment of what they call a "toxic person". Good luck and God bless you!
 
Jeeze Louise!! You totally did the right thing. Had I been in your place, I would have done the exact same thing.
 
Look, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO FEEL THAT YOU DID THE WRONG THING! You did the best thing for this baby - in fact you have saved this baby's life - and if not physically, then emotionally. Your friend has made her choices and that baby should not have to suffer because of them. This child does not deserve to be raised in such an abusive home. You did the right thing and don't ever doubt your decisions and the actions you took. Good for you and God bless, Wendy

******Also, I would make sure you document all of this from the phone calls from the husband to the girl showing up at your door to curse you. Make sure it is all on paper and even notify the police so that they are aware of what is happening. Good Luck.
 
Gosh, what a train wreck of a friend you've got there! Not that it's her fault--people like this have usually been harmed beyond our wildest dreams and are fighting for air. But--certainly not your fault either.

You did what you could. These types of people (she AND her hubby) lash out because of their pain. It has nothing to do with your actions or words.

I wouldn't open my door to her again though. Well- unless she has another baby out there she wants to hand off. I guess they'd be better off with you and then social services, than with her.
You did perfectly.
 
Is this for real? I am not questioning the fact that it is not but I am so out of touch with people like this that I don't even beleive they exsist.I am from such a normal family,normal friends, and a normal life.I just can't imagine anyone being that messed up.But I know they are out there.
If I were you I would pray to God that she moves as far away from you as possible, and forgets where you live.And if that doesn't work, I would move.I wouldn't trust her at all.I actually think that I would be afraid of her.She is very unstable and she is not trustworthy.I think she needs to be admitted to a mental institution again. I know that it may be hard to break ties from her b/c everyone else as given up on her but at the sametime, some people never change.If you give her all the help you can and support her, chances are, she will just take advantage of you.Its probably only when she is around you that she wishes she had a normal life with a loving husband.
I am all about supporting friends and family but not when your own health is at stake.I would be afraid that she would try to harm me, exspecially now that the baby is with the authorites.Imagine the fuss that would have been caused if the baby were there and you wouldn't give her the baby b/c she was drunk.
Its ashame that the children are really the ones who have to suffer here.People like this shouldn't be aloud to have babies.
Lori:)
 
Wow. This sounds like one of those Fox Reality TV shows crossed with Jerry Springer. I'm not making light of it. It's such a bizarre story. You must be an AMAZING person to stand by a "friend" like this. I don't know if I would have stuck it out for as long as you did. I absolutely agree with everyone on here that you did the right thing. A child's life was involved, and you protected that child. What else could you have done? I really feel for your friend Jen, and I pray she gets the help she needs. To be so young and be so unbelievably messed up already.

May I say something else too? Stay away from them in the future. Unless she gets her act together and you are SURE she has actually done so. People like that will drag anyone they can down with them. Not out of spite - but because it's part of their dysfunction. You don't need to get messed up with all that. I think you're a saint.

Carol
:)

(edited for typos only)
 
If I were in your position I would have done exactly the same thing and even though it was the right thing to do, I would still feel worried. If she was a good friend, tell her you will be her friend again *when* she has sorted herself out. If she never was much of a friend then bid her good riddance. She'll find the good in herself one day and it's up to her to nurture it and become a fine woman. Until then, you have no *reason* - not even compassion to be that person's crutch. If a person cannot be bothered to take care of their own baby let alone themselves, then they are in too dark a place to reach by normal means.
ATB,
- Lisa :)
 
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