what to do when you and your spouse have nothing in common

L

laura35

Cathlete
hello everyone,

I was just wondering what you do if you have a spouse that has nothing in common with you? I get so frustrated sometimes and feel like giving up. I love to run and exercise. He only likes to camp and when we camp ,he parties. I am not one to drink very often,like once a year. We have a permanent campsite and it just opened. My husband thinks we or he has to be out there everyweekend and I dont want to be. I have let him go out on friday nights by himself and then I have gone out on saturday and stayed with him. But the nights he goes out without me, he thinks I should have all three kids with me. I feel like I am the only one compromising and he doesnt see it that way. I am also the one to compromise on most things and frankly I am tired of it. I dont want to split up our marriage but I am tired of having a selfish husband. I wouldnt mind camping one night or the other but I really dont want to be out there my whole weekend. Especially since I am training for my half marathon in two weeks. He knows I have to run on the weekends. I dont know how to get across to him to look at things from my side. I hope I dont sound selfish, I dont think that I am. My best friend says she wouldnt want to be out there everyweekend either. There is more to life. When I do go out there, I am usually the one watching the kids while he is off with the guys on the gulf cart cruising the campground.sounds real fun doesnt it. I could be at home doing that. anyway any advice would be appreciated. thanks
 
My husband is pretty committed to drinking (heavily) every weekend (or more), has no noticable inclination to be with his kids unless it is while watching TV (his sports or sci fi program) and has no interest in health or fitness. My role, while I was still trying to be with him, was to hang out w/ him and his friends and ultimately to be the designated driver and watcher of the kids. At some point, I figured out that his only path to happiness and relaxation and fun was through drinking. Not very compatible with being a father or partner.

I started reading books by Melody Beattie about codependency. It wasn't really what I thought. I started going to Al Anon and found a group that has some very positive energy (not all do) and I am reading about other aspects of alcoholism and codependency from other sources. I am approaching the end of my marriage and I am excited about the possibilities that the future holds. However, I am gravely concerned about how things will go for my children and often imagine the uncomfortable and unsafe situations they will surely be in if/when things get to the point of visitation.

Think about why you ended up with this guy.

I am awfully chatty today, probably not a good thing...
 
I have to ask why you married this guy in the first place if you had nothing in common. Been there, unfortunately, done that, left the jerk nineteen years ago. There IS more to life without him.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
 
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. My philosophy about marriage, for what it's worth, is you have to "evolve" together. I think when one partner evolves in one direction, and the other partner either remains stagnant, or evolves in another direction, you end up in a marriage where you've got nothing in common. Are there any other interests the two of you could pursue together? Maybe something new... art, dancing, I don't know... that would be fun to try just the two of you... without the kids? Just an idea. Marriage can definitely be tough.
 
I married him because he did change alot! and of course I love him. we also were together so long that I think I figured why not,we had been together for so long anyway. I have always been in long relationships,never dated around alot. We just got our camper 2yrs ago also, so the camping thing never happened until then. We were doing fine until then. He doesnt see it as a problem though. He isnt a bad person. He doesnt drink through the week and through the winter he actually is up my butt,too much. I dont mind him going and giving me space. I just dont want to be out there everyweekend all summer long. He also doesnt drink everynigh that I am out there but for the most part he does. He doesnt start drinking until late at night either like some of the guys do. They wake up and have a beer. I am willing to go out one night out of the weekend , I just dont want to stay the entire weekend. I like being home and not alway having to do something. He isnt a bad man, just sometimes selfish and I feel like I am alaways the one compromising. So I guess my question is how do you get it across to the other person so you can have an agreement or compromise on a situation ?
 
RE: what to do when you and your spouse have nothing in...

Laura,

Have you and DH actually sat down when he is not drinking and without the kids around and really discussed this issue of camping all weekend every weekend? Is the camping all weekend every weekend the only thing that is bugging you? Or is it really a conglomeration and build up of many small things?

I'd certainly set aside some serious talk - not argument - time for you to fully explain your feelings, your needs and allow him to do the same. I know, men don't often talk well in these situations, but if you want to work on the marriage it needs to be done. Or maybe you have done this.

Bottom line with me, if I didn't want to go camping or out drinking, I would not go.

The true bottom line - do you love him? Do you feel he loves you?

I've not given any really good advice, but I sympathize and wish you well in working this out.
 
Can you map out a route for running at the campsite? That might help. You could tell him, "You 'have' to watch the kids while I go for a run. I'm training you know".
I don't know how long you've been married or how old your kids are, but I basically raised both my kids "for what it seems" by myself as my husband worked (workaholic). He also did the hanging out with the buddies thing, with the camping thing, the boating thing, the horseback riding thing, the gun shooting thing, all while drinking thing, etc. etc. etc. He tried to do things only I liked, but I learned it wasn't fun for me to force him to do things he didn't like.
Stupid I know, but that's how it was. I learned to hang out with others in doing MY favorite things. He loves me for my interests, even though he is clueless about some of them. LOL!

Anyways, he out grew his selfessness. He realized all his friends were drunks and low lifes, and they now bored him, and they are all divorced and unhappy, full of regrets. LOL!
He now (and has for qutie a few years now) spends alot of time with me and the kids, of coarse they are grown now. My life wasn't perfect (who's is?), but it was what it was.

The kids still love all the memories of Dad's "hobbies", and they are GREAT memories for them. I remember all the hard work and feeling all neglected and wishing he would just go to a movie with me or out to a nice dinner (something simple for a change). LOL!
But, that just wasn't him, and I love him for who he is and he loves me for who I am and that I always hung out with him with all his loves of life. He now is into things I like. Like playing the guitar and working out, for example. YEAH!

Don't give up. Just tell him how you feel and ask for a little compromise here and there. They do grow up eventually and turn into great guys.;-)
 
My husband and I really don't have much in common as far as hobbies or likes, but the important thing is that we both like spending time with each other. We would both rather be with the other than with someone else pretty much for any outing. I think THAT is the important thing, not that you share hobbies.....
 
thanks for all the advice everyone. I will have a sit down talk with him. It is just the camping every single weekend thing that is bothering me. I actually dont mind having time away from him but I guess it is the fact that there is just plain old drunks out there all the time and I dont like the atmosphere. maybe if he was to choose something in a better environment i wouldnt be bothered by it so much. I do love him and we have had 19yrs together, right out of high school. I know he loves me, Ithink he is like most men, just selfish in their own way. they do before they think and usually later if he really sits and thinks about it,he realizes he'd feel the same way.depending on what it is .some things he can be really stubborn about . we generally communicate fairly well compared to some of our friends. we might get mad at one another but after we have cooled off then we will talk about it and try to understand or get our point across. I didnt get to talk to him about it since he went out camping tonight and I guess i am dreading this whole summer camping thing and it really got to me . Thinking is it going to be like this all summer. anyway ,sorry for rambling on and thanks again for the advice.
 
Laura, it sounds to me like you are both committed to your marriage, in spite of your differences. Would counseling be an option? Sometimes it takes a neutral person to help discover the problems and hence the solutions to marriage difficulties. Good luck to you.
 
>I have to ask why you married this guy in the first place if
>you had nothing in common.

That was my first thought.

Did you start out with common interests, then gradually move in other directions?
 
Can't help with the marriage thing. I was only married 6 years and divorced 17.

My ex and I are very good friends because we both have the same #1 priority in life - the kids. Because of this we put everything else aside. Our son has some pretty serious medical conditions so this has been huge.

Agree that you both have the desire to save the marriage in common. With that as a goal can you get counseling?
 
thanks robin, I doubt he would see a therapist but your right we have been commited to our marriage. no matter what, deep down we truly love each other. and usually that is what helps pull us through the bad times. I guess when the bad times do arise we sometimes forget this and need reminded. thanks again for all the advice everyone.
 
I think even if he doesn't want to see a therapist with you, you might want to see one for yourself. Marriage is tough. Tough times don't have to be a deal-breaker, but it's important for your own peace of mind to find someone with whom you can objectively discuss what you're feeling and who can help you find positive ways to deal with him, the situation, and your feelings. No one is perfect, but it's important not to convince yourself that "all men are like this" (because they're not, just like not all women can be categorized a particular way). You should have as much satisfaction in your life as he does.

Good luck - I hope it works out for you. :)

Marie
 
Just do something about it, don't hold it all in. I have a friend who is a retired marriage & family therapist and is a wonderful, interesting person. She told me once that a large contingent of her clients were women (sometimes as a couple, sometimes not) that were unhappy because their husbands were inconsiderate, usually abandoned them on the weekends to hang out with their buddies, did little housework -- you know the drill. But she said that if the women waited too long, they were too angry and things couldn't be saved. So don't wait too long.
 
Marie and Meredith have given you really great advice. Take it for someone that divorced for the same reasons as you after 21 years of a lonely marriage and has an MS in Psychology, you need to talk to a therapist NOW.

I think you are starting to really see how one sided your relationship is and make no mistake, it's one sided. Resentment is starting to get the better of you. It's like a cancer and even though you may try to push down these feelings, if things don't change, your family is going to suffer more than it is already.

Just keep in mind that the relationship you have with your husband will establish what kind of relationships your children will have in the future with their chosen significant others. Children learn what they see. Your husband obviously has a drinking problem that will undoubtedly be passed on to at least one of your children.

It may sound like I'm overreacting but I assure you I am not.
 
I can't believe the timing of this thread. My husband and I are going through a really rough time now too. We are working on things so hopefully it will all work out. He refuses to see a counsler but I have made an appointment for myself. Here I thought I was the only one going through this.
 
thanks for the advice ladies. My husband and I talked about it on sunday and I told him how I feel. He said he understands, so we'll see how this weekend goes. I know my husband loves me and our children . I just think sometimes when he hasnt done much like all winter long that he can get a bit selfish come summer time at least i the begining. I appreciate all the advice and know there is still work in progress.
 
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