weight...so distraught.

D

divagirl

Cathlete
My father just said to me today "For all the exercising you do and all the healthy eating, I don't understand why you still have a belly like that" He seems to think its getting bigger.

I don't have washboard abs by any means but I'm still wearing a size 6 in clothes.

I've gained 8 lbs since quitting smoking yet still wear the same size...even though I guess some things are a little snugger. I guess I wouldn't have let this upset me if I didn't get frustrated from all my hard work and not losing weight. Am I at a total loss with being on BC pills and an antidressant(which didn't make me gain). I'm so upset over this...that I just sat and cried. He just made me feel like I weigh 2 tons.
 
With a father like that, I can see why you are on antidepressants.

I know that sounds harsh, but I stand by it. You have made some important positive lifestyle choices, including quitting smoking and developing a healthy eating / exercise routine, and that is all he can say. Hmmmmm.

I personally have no time for "loved ones" who make cracks about one's body and physique.

If youn have gained 8 pounds but are still wearing the same size, my guess is you're developing muscle mass, which is healthier and denser than storage fat. And face it - most women, indeed most people, do not have "washboard abs" nor, probably, should they.

I suggest you do your best to shake off your not-so-DF's comments. I think you're doing things exactly right.

A-Jock
 
I agree 100% with A-jock. The problem is not yours, it's your fathers. You're doing great. He's obviously not.
 
Divagirl,

I think our parents could get together for a drink....I recently posted "fat and friendless" because i went to my Mom for alterations on pants. I had a pair of size 12s - which are LOOSE - but that I can wear very comfortably now (I normally wear a 10 so kudos to you for the size 6 dearest - , but i've packed on some weight in the belly area myself - and dont have stopping smoking as an excuse) - I asked her about the "fit" of these pants because I thought the hip area needed taken in and she told me "honestly, I wouldn't wear them..." meaning, they were too tight!!! Then she asked me if I owned a GIRDLE! I was just sick sick sick...(didn't help that I was hormonal) I was very hurt by it and cried all evening. It was awful. I'm telling you this so you'll know I understand exactly what you are feeling. Thing is, if your Dad is like my mom, nothing you'd say to him would make him see what you feel like when he makes those comments...the only thing you can do is deal with your own demons (easier said than done...not something I'm a master at by any means). You shouldn't feel badly at all - you're doing the right thing, and if he's going to act that way, his opinion should just be discarded. The pain you're feeling could be because you seek his approval and its just seemingly unattainable. I know with my Mom, she's got the standard set so high, and if I'm lucky enough to actually reach it, she sets it higher again. In honesty, I love her, but her approval is not worth the effort!

Chin up babe!

:7
 
typical guy comment. he is just jealous of all your hard work. i have had comments made to me about a lot of things i do. from the way i eat, to workingout, not drinking, etc. and the ones that get to me the worst are those from family members. they are suppose to be supportive and its almost like they want to see you fail. and you know what, if it is only 8 lbs you put on since quitting smoking cigs then amen to you b/c i know of a lot of people who A) couldn't quite at all and B) gained 50lbs after quitting. have you talked with him about how that made you feel? Don't let his comment get you down on yourself. You should be proud that you do workout everyday. And my guess is you look a hell of a lot better then he does anyway;-)
 
I'm so sorry you were hurt by the harsh words of your father. Please disregard those comments. It sounds like you are doing so much to improve your overall health; good for you!! As far as bellies are concerned, they can go up and down. Some days are just more "bloated" than others.Especially if you are on BC. Just keep up with what you are doing, and don't let anyone discourage you! Take care, Nancy J.~~
 
People who make comments like that are jerks, but when those people are one of your parents, it is intolerable. Why family members are like that I do not know. I could tell you to just ignore it, to brush it off, but I know that is too hard to do.

We like to have the approval of our parents. Parents who make degrading comments to their children have major issues with themselves. I guess one could say they do not know any better - but that isn't true either. Aren't we taught to treat others as we want to be treated?

It shouldn't matter if you work out alot and even if you weighed 200 pounds and wore a size 22 - they should never make a comment like that. I have three daughters - one is over 200 pounds and she will be 18 next month - I have never said anything to her about her weight - or degrade her looks - I love her no matter what she weighs. Another one of my daughters is 33 - she is 5' 2" and she weighs about 175 - I try to encourage her because she has been going to the YMCA lately- she has a belly and she absolutely hates it - I would never make her feel worse about it. She is a great girl and I love her.

Could you ever come out and tell your dad how he hurts your feelings when he says things like that to you? Maybe you can come up with a good comeback if it ever happens again.

Cheryl
 
People who make comments like that are jerks, but when those people are one of your parents, it is intolerable. Why family members are like that I do not know. I could tell you to just ignore it, to brush it off, but I know that is too hard to do.

We like to have the approval of our parents. Parents who make degrading comments to their children have major issues with themselves. I guess one could say they do not know any better - but that isn't true either. Aren't we taught to treat others as we want to be treated?

It shouldn't matter if you work out alot and even if you weighed 200 pounds and wore a size 22 - they should never make a comment like that. I have three daughters - one is over 200 pounds and she will be 18 next month - I have never said anything to her about her weight - or degrade her looks - I love her no matter what she weighs. Another one of my daughters is 33 - she is 5' 2" and she weighs about 175 - I try to encourage her because she has been going to the YMCA lately- she has a belly and she absolutely hates it - I would never make her feel worse about it. She is a great girl and I love her.

Could you ever come out and tell your dad how he hurts your feelings when he says things like that to you? Maybe you can come up with a good comeback if it ever happens again.

Cheryl
 
Divagirl,

Your situation does remind me of Reese's recent post...somewhere in that thread, someone brought up a good point - that a comment said by anyone else can roll right off your back, but coming from a particular immediate family member, it just sets off all your buttons. I know that even as adults we often seek parental approval, as was mentioned here, but even so, I believe it is important and necessary, really, to steel yourself against the words of others (no matter who they are), to be able to let those words go and not have power over you. You can only be hurt if you allow yourself to be. Sometimes words sting even when there was no intentional harm - so it's good to develop that ability to brush it off or laugh it off rather than internalize everything. No, it's not always easy to do this, but I think developing a thicker skin makes for a happier you.

Congratulations on successfully quitting smoking! Keep in perspective that 8 lbs. is nothing considering the years of life you are adding on by conquering nicotine. You've done a great thing for yourself and for your loved ones. And as you regain lung capacity, you'll probably be able to enjoy a greater intensity to your workouts, which in turn, may help you drop those few unwanted lbs. If not, remember that the average American woman is a size 14, so you are still way ahead of the game. If being healthy and prolonging your life means being 10 lbs. heavier or a size bigger, I'd say it's worth it.

The bottom line is keep doing what you know is good for your health, and don't listen to the haters!

Cathy :)
 
The hell with him and his comments-how cruel, how totally ridiculous!
I long since learned family members can be petty and cruel, their comments hurt the most, and they are the one group of people you should be able to count on for support and praise. My own sisters are like your father, and I decided long ago,I do not need that negativity in my life. My stepmom is the same way, I grew up with her and her anorexic/bulemia my whole life, and grew tired of the drama after I started getting into bodybuilding and being fit and healthy.

I have developed my own "family" of friends that are full of love and support for me and the things I do, they also are not afraid to call me out on occasion, but not in a way that slams my self esteem.
You have done alot and should be so proud of yourself. And frankly, who besides the very,very few even have washboard abs? :) Seriously, I am proud of you! We here on the Cathe forum are proud of you!:7 :7
 
Thanks so much ladies for all the kind and positive words. I was able to shake this off last night as my Dad has a history of saying insensitive things...although its a lot less frequently now. He preaches the old school tear you down to make you stronger philosophy unfortunately. I really shouldn't let it bother me especially since his belly is 10x the size of mine and he still smokes:p

But he hit my trigger in a tired state of mind. Thanks for the reminder to keep my focus. Thanks all...your the best.

It also helped that after I told my SO this story he went on to say how sexy I am and how he had been thinking about that all day to get him through his tough day. :)
 
Divagirl, I'll bet your father's "old school tear you down to make you stronger" philosophy is a one-way street. He gets to tear you down to "make you stronger", but if you got strong enough to turn the tables and tear him down he'd probably rip your head off and sh*to down your neck.

Parenthood is as much about power, including and especially emotional power, as it is about love. Sometimes a lot more so, especially when the children grow into adulthood.

Keep listening to your SO, us, and your own self. Don't listen too hard to toxic people.

A-Jock
 
Divagirl, you've quit smoking...hey, that's a BIGGIE...a huge accomplishment. WTG, girl:)

You have a man in your life who dreams about your sexy body to make it through his tough workday...not many women have this. You know what to do to celebrate that kind of love;)

I am so sorry your dad was so cruel and thoughtless. Unfortunately, he's still your dad. Please don't let his foolish, even stupid, comments drag you down. He could learn something from you (like how to quit smoking and shrink that big belly of his).

Reese, (hope I'm getting the right poster) all this should apply to you. How sad when your own mom can't seem to see you like a loving mother should. Call it looking through rose-colored glasses, but I can't help but see the best in my two grown daughters (even the GOOD things about their bodies when they're "less than perfect"). And that has nothing to do with their upbringing...they turned out great despite their mom's mistakes:eek:
 
Divagirl, I have had much of the same problem as you, having excess fat around my middle. However, I think my stomach looks great when I am wearing lose fitting bottoms. It is very hard for me to find pants that fit me well in the hips (mine are average, maybe a tad smaller) and that aren't a little too tight in the waist.

It's also frustrating because when I first began exercising, the weight dropped off so quickly and I was totally motivated. Now, I am still loosing weight, but at a much slower pace. Plus, if I overeat, it immediately goes to my waist.

One of the reasons I was really impressed with Cathe was that her workouts really firmed up my legs and butt. Now, I am pretty much a size 1 in jeans and they fit almost perfectly (not as much extra room in the butt and thighs). I am now more focused on building up more muscle than loosing more fat, which is much more doable for me.

Also, I am much more interested now in being healthy than looking "perfect." This also keeps me motivated. Good luck!
 
I just realized I have another comment. Both of my parents were in the habit of putting me down, but as I matured I was able to call them on it and there were several times when they actually realized their comments were wrong, and they apologized. They both improved over time. My Mom actually says nice things to me these days, and I wait for the other shoe to drop, but it never does.

What I'm trying to say is, since he's your father and he's going to continue to be in your life, it would be great if you could start to stand up for yourself and let him know what you think of his comments. It will be good for him, but most of all it will be good for you to put him in his place.
 
>>>>It also helped that after I told my SO this story he went on to say >>>>how sexy I am and how he had been thinking about that all day to get >>>>him through his tough day.


AWESOME.

Regarding what your father said to you, GROOOOOAAAAAAAN. Terrible! I can understand how that pushed your vulnerable button. What a hurtful thing to say. I second (or third or fourth) what A-Jock said.

Gisela



"She's living in sin with a cowboy, and hell--he can hardly even walk!" --J.R. Ewing, "Dallas"
 
I haven't read through ALL the comments (sorry) but I did read some and hopefully I will not be repeatitive.

It is very hard for people to see someone so close to them do something they wish they had the strength to do! The closer the person, the harder it is...which is why the most hurtful comments come from our own blood line! While I know that our parents and siblings wish us well and never want to see us hurt(most of 'em)...when we do things that they cannot pull themselves to do (i.e. quit smoking, maintain an exercise program and eat for health) the will say/do things to knock us down in an effort to make themselves feel better...without really realizing they are doing it! It is what they need to do to feel better about themselves.

I think this behavior is even more raging with the moms and sisters (and best friends) when it comes to health and fitness because of the whole body image/self worth issues.

Just try to remember...these words that come out of their mouths are not true, just because they said them. They are only true if you believe them. And again, the only reason those words are being said is because that is what your family member needs to say/do in an effort to feel better about themselves.

I agree with Nancy...a comment in your defense is what they need. I wouldn't do the "when you say things like that it hurts my feelings" only because (unless they are REALLY dumb) they know it hurts your feelings...that is why they are saying it (again...knock you down to feel better about themselves). But a comment "I have never felt better in my life...", "You don't need to love my body, I do"...if it were me..."You want to go for a run, old man??? We can wait until your done with your cigarette"}(
 
"You want to go for a run, old man??? We can wait until your done with your cigarette"

Love it, Sarah! :D }(

Or how bout, "hey dad, let's stand next to each other in the mirror and see whose tummy is bigger" :7 }(
 
>>>>Thanks so much ladies for all the kind and positive words. I was able to shake this off last night as my Dad has a history of saying insensitive things...although its a lot less frequently now. He preaches the old school tear you down to make you stronger philosophy unfortunately. I really shouldn't let it bother me especially since his belly is 10x the size of mine and he still smokes




HA! I was just going to post and ask if your dad smokes. I can PROMISE you that is where the problem lies! My mom smoked all her life and when I quit it was like treason or something! She would go on about how I thought I was "holier than thou" and all this stuff and I hadn't said a word! This went on for awhile. I have a brother that has quit and restarted several times. I remember years ago when he first quit my mom was like "Oh he won't be able to stick with it, blah blah." He quit for at least 6mos and then started again and my mom was so happy and smiling about it! Ugh.
 
Very funny comments! I did kind of put him in his place the other day when I said "Your comment was mean and when you decide to quit smoking we'll see if you don't put on a few pounds and until then you can just shut up". I said it with a nice smile of course;)

It is quite interesting that my father loves to comment on all the garbage I eat (aka lots of vegetables, etc) and my workouts not working meanwhile he sits around eating icecream, watching tv and smoking.

I just wish for myself that it wasn't a struggle to get my middle in shape when I do work hard but quitting smoking does more for my health than anything else and hopefully with some additional focus I'll be able to get closer to where I want to be.

Too bad people have to be negative instead of being proud of someone else. Oh well!
 
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