Venting my worry

[Miss Lee]

>Kathryn and Beavs, I also thought about the pet angle. My Mom
>likes dogs, but every time I mention getting one she says it
>would hold her back and she would lose her freedom to come and
>go. In reality, however, I would be more than happy to have
>the dog stay with me for visits when she goes away for a week
>or two. My brother also loves dogs, and she has many friends
>who are pet-lovers who would take the dog overnight, so I
>don't see what the problem is. My Mom has a fenced-in yard.
>Of course, the dog would have to be small in case my Mom moves
>into an apartment, but so what? Still, the decision is hers
>of course.
>Nancy

I was a visiting nurse for a long time, primarily caring for the elderly. I used to think that a pet was the best medicine to combat loneliness, and for some it is, but many do not want the added responsibility and worry that pets bring. It was an eye opening experience for me and gave me an entirely new perspective.

Many of my patients worried about what would become of a beloved pet upon their death or infirmity (especially cat owners--not many people want to adopt an older cat). Many are on fixed incomes and cannot afford the financial burden that comes with pet ownership. I think they kind of view pets in the same way they view children--it's nice when they come for a visit but they're happy to see them leave with their parents.

 

[pressju]

Nancy how well I relate. When my mom was alive (she passed away last year at 70 years old)I worried so much. I lived in NYC and like you had no car so spent a good deal of time on trains to see her in upstate NY. Moved to the burbs in part to be closer. And btw I also have a bro in San Fran! When she decided that she may want to move closer to me (and my other 3 siblings who are in NYC, CT and Long Island) we crunched the numbers and it was about break even. But more important - and this is a factor for your mom I can see - Mom had a strong network in her small town. Her mortgage was very cheap ($00 per month!!!). And she loved the pace there. As our parents get older, we need to respect what is important to them. And my Mom in turn respected that we all had our own lives so that might mean she did not see us as much given her geographic undesirability. Some things we did to bridge the gap: while in NYC I would rent a car for the day to drive up (Enterprise has cheap deals mid week!) and bring her groceries. Ahead of winter storms, I would either go get her to come stay with us or go up ahead with supplies. Also paid the $150 or so for car services to and from the airport when she took trips. Better than her taking buses and trains. Anything you can do to make your Mom's life easier - minimize travel to stores for example, buy her tickets for a night out with friends and include car service pick up and drop off - might make both of you feel better! And with no Dad around, accompany her to doctor visits so there is a second set of ears. Your brothers who are long distance can join in some of these efforts so it is not all on you. BTW, a bunch of grocery stores in NJ deliver through Pea Pod - check to see fi hers does.

Mom spent the last year of her life pretty sick with cancer and her friends were there for her in a huge way. Our full lives revolved around seeing her, going to the hospital/doctor with her as well. But I really believe that her being in her own home was a huge comfort. Your guilt will never go away, but if you ask your Mom what would be helpful to her and let her know how you are feeling, you may be surprised to learn how glad she is to be in her own home on her own terms.

You are a fantastic daughter to be so concerned Nancy. Take care of yourself!

Julie

 

[nancy324]

Thanks for sharing what you have learned, Michele. There is no question that a pet is a big responsibility. And although my Mom has no financial problems, and would not have to worry about the pet after her death (all 3 of kids are dog lovers), the truth is she has not been able to deal with much of anything since my father's death, and a pet would probably be too much for her. I suspect she has some undiagnosed emotional disorders, probably OCD/depression, that tend to make things seem overwhelmingly. At the same time, she is fiercly independent and never asks for help. What a mix!
Nancy

 

[Miss Lee]

>Thanks for sharing what you have learned, Michele. There is
>no question that a pet is a big responsibility. And although
>my Mom has no financial problems, and would not have to worry
>about the pet after her death (all 3 of kids are dog lovers),
>the truth is she has not been able to deal with much of
>anything since my father's death, and a pet would probably be
>too much for her. I suspect she has some undiagnosed emotional
>disorders, probably OCD/depression, that tend to make things
>seem overwhelmingly. At the same time, she is fiercly
>independent and never asks for help. What a mix!
>Nancy

Nance, I believe, with dogs especially, they worry about things like house breaking and obedience, and getting them to the vet. Even people who have always had pets tend to not get a new one once their old pets are gone. My aunt and in-laws are prime examples of this.

My elderly aunt had a little lap dog and we thought she would never get over it when he died. She never married and didn't have any children and we thought she'd be lonely. She was actually relieved because she was so worried about that dog. She was afraid she would die before the dog did. The same with DH's parents. They've always had a menagerie of pets--all kinds of cats and dogs--all adopted. The last cat died about 2 years ago when they were in their mid seventies and we were sure they'd take in another stray or 2, but no. They said they were through and happy to be relieved of the burden. They donate tons of money to animal charities and feed the birds and that's all they're up for.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it goes beyond what will happen to their pets when they have to travel or when they die. The burden of daily care and maintenance is stressful, too.

{{{{{Nance}}}}} Caring for our aging parents isn't easy. I know from first hand experience

 

[mparker]

My dad will be 91 and mom will be 86 - they live alone in their home which is 14 miles from my apartment in Queens, NY. I worry constantly about them and mom was diagnosed with alzheimer's three years ago but doing not so bad yet - still functional and does the housework, etc. Dad still drives (just a couple of blocks to the store). I worry about them day and night and am becoming like their parent as I go there every Saturday with my husband do food shopping, laundry and banking (I am power of attorney). I worry about what will happen to mom if something happens to dad. I worry about their financials and how I will handle their money when the time comes and they need assistance. I got an elder lawyer who drew up the paperwork but I still worry about medicaid (you have to spend down all their money to qualify) but there are ways to get around it. I don't want to bring it up to dad as to not worry him about anything. Tomorrow I have to take off from work and take both of them to the doctor for their twice and year checkups. They totally depend on me even though I have two brothers that live close by. I am their "rock" as my dad would say and this makes me more worried...
maryann

 

[nancy324]

Julie, all very wise suggestions indeed. I just had to laugh though imagining anyone getting groceries for my Mom! :7 She is the Queen of all things organic and natural and must inspect every single purchase herself. At the moment she is as spry as I am, so there's no reason to do things for her physcially. She power walks 2 miles per day and does some strength training. Of course, I do go with her to important appointments. She had some minor knee surgery last year and my DH and I went to stay with her. She loved it but I almost went insane. :+ With all of her OCD stuff, I barely crawled out of there alive.

I have frequently offered to send car service to have her come into the city, but she won't allow me to pay for it. She insists on paying for everything herself.

You are absolutely right about talking to her though. Maybe she is happy than she seems. I mean, she still cries a lot, but then it's only been 2 years and that's not much after 49 years of marriage. I guess it's perfectly natural.

Thanks so much for your comments!
Nancy

 

[August]

Thank you, Nancy, for your email response to my PM to you.

It's also been nice to read everyone's responses. Although I know I'm not the only daughter in the world who worries all the time about her mother, it sure is comforting to read it.

 

[candi]

DH just received the most current issue of US News and World report. I can't remember exactly what the title of the issue was. Something like, "Taking care of Mom and Dad". In the major article, they listed several options for elder care. You may want to pick it up or see if you can access it on line. I think you will find it very useful as it talks from the point of view of the care giver as well as the person receiving the care.