Venting- How would you react?

J

Jcrew3082

Cathlete
Hi everyone,

I have a friend, a good friend, who I am finding it difficult to speak to often or hang out with because she is very "into" herself. She really is a very nice person, but sometimes the things that come out of her mouth make me cringe. She's naturally very thin and in good shape, so she has every right to be proud of her body. However, at least 2 or 3 times a week, she comments about someone new being "obsessed with her," guys whistling at her in the gym or "raping her with their eyes," old men staring, people telling her she has the perfect body, etc. One of her worst remarks was about "other women seething with jealousy." She also dresses very skimpily? almost inappropriately, which also bugs me, because of course people are going to stare when you are literally revealing three quarters of your breasts!

Sometimes I think I am envious, not of her looks but of her confidence. Then I realize that it's more like conceit. I am all for people feeling good about themselves, but I get really irritated hearing how amazingly fabulous the world thinks she is all the time.

Has anyone had similar experiences? I know many of you are beautiful and in awesome shape, but I find it hard to believe that acting like this is "normal." So, am I crazy???

Thanks for reading!!!

Gina
 
Sounds more to me like she's very insecure, and this is her way of feeling better about herself. Usually people who bring attention to themselves in this way are simply trying to give themselves some recognition, even if they have to embellish the truth a bit to do so. It's a cry for attention, IMHO. I know people who constantly draw attention to different aspects of their personality in much the same way. Their intelligence, for example, or something else they are naturally good at. The talk about it all the time, and they make sure others hear about things people have either said or commented on. The things they talk about may be true, but they play them up in such a way that it sounds like these people are getting almost constant praise for their heroic or amazing accomplishments. I think common sense will tell you real life isn't like this. Very few of us are surrounded by praise and admiration for the things we do, or for the way we look, etc. It can be annoying to be around someone like this for long periods of time. They constantly draw attention to themselves, and talk about themselves, and it's easy to see that as conceit or boastfulness. But if you recognize it for what it is deep inside them - insecurity - it may help you to understand why they do it. Just my humble opinions here, of course. I'm not a practicing psychologist. I'm an RN who also happens to have a BA in Psych, but I'm by no means an expert. Hope this helps!!

Carol
:)
 
I don't have any friends that are to "into" themseleves but I do have friends that need to be brought back to the real world at times.I am finding that my skin is getting thicker and I have no trouble saying whats on my mind anymore.The friend that I have, thinks that she is my best friend and she needs to know where I am at all times,where I am going and how come she wasn't invited.She is one of those people who grew up very proper but there are things about her that are very rude.
Last night she called to see if I wanted to go somewhere with her.She knew that DH had stayed home for the weekend(with me) while her boyfriend went away on trip(DH was suppose to go to)DH said no we are going out,(she called while I was doing aerobics so DH had to talk to her)SHe wanted to know where we were going, and then she said,"tell her thanks for inviting me".I thought it was very rude and I don't have to invite her EVERYWHERE I go.I knew she was going to be calling b/c her boyfriend is gone and my DH was gone ALL last weekend and I never heard from her once.But she does have a heart of gold.Other then the possive friend thing,she has really good friend qualities.She is very dependable and you can call her for anything.
I have been just getting little digs in.If I don't like something she says then I will be just as rude as she is being at the time.I am ready for her phone call today.She will call and say "thanks for inviting me" and I am ready to say "well, I didn't know that we were joined at the hip".It may be rude but it will get my point across.
I also think that if I had a friend like you have , I would probably say "alright I have heard enough,I am tired of hearing your stories" Then I would probably laugh it off.She may not take offense to it then, but you will still get your point across.OR "o.k can we talk about something other then you" Thats what I would do.It may not be the best way to deal with the situation but you will get your message sent.
Good Luck,
Lori:)
 
Gina:

You are not crazy and she is not normal. I feel very sorry for her that the only way she can validate her worth as a human being is through a daily verification of her physical attractiveness. She needs therapy. Does she have anyhting else except her own beauty in her life? I'd be surprised. I mean, even you, a good friend, are sick to the back teeth of her "me, me, me-ness." Good grief, who wouldn't be!

She is a sad a sorry symptom of the cultural objectification of women.

How can you help her? Are you even interested in trying? You don't owe her anything. You could just leave her to her own devices and surround yourself instead with people who have something to talk about apart from themselves. I think this is what I would do. Sorry if it sounds heartless or callous. If you do help her: talk to her straight, that you think she is not helping herself, that people do not take her seriously, that they do not see her true worth as a human being when her #### are on full display, that she needs therapy....and if she refuses all this, explodes in your face, thinks you are "jealous of her", then, you need to leave her alone. She's poisoning her own life. You don't need it, surely? At that point, I'd bail.

Clare
 
Whoa jcrew! Your friend is anything BUT confident. Quite the opposite. Poor thing does not feel very good about herself and thinks that all she has to offer the world is her looks. A great way to help her is to point out to her the things that she is good at that have nothing to do with her looks. Whatever it may be. Deep down, she probably envies you, so please don't be envious of her! You wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Just be a good friend and try to help in any way that you can.
And let us know how it goes.
-Nancy

I have to edit to say that after writing this I looked back at the other responses and saw that Carol and Clare said essentially the same thing! So you have it on good authority! :D
 
Hi Carole,

Thanks for responding. If I were talking about anyone else, I'd totally agree that all of her overconfidence is really masking insecurities. I know her well enough to know that she isn't insecure, and she even once admitted that she is too confident. I know people who are insecure and mask it by boasting or being flashy, but that's just not her. I would certainly be more understanding of something like that. Thank you so much for your input. You made a lot of sense!

Thanks again,
Gina
 
Wow Lori! It sounds like you have quite a situation of your own to deal with. I like that you are able to get your point across, even if it means giving her digs. "Joined at the hip" is just too funny. Your friend seems very clingy, and I think if I were in your shoes, I'd end up distancing myself from her, which probably wouldn't be the best way to go about things. I've thought about throwing in a dig or two but just can't get up the guts to do it!

Thanks for reading and replying,
Gina
 
Hi Clare,

Oddly enough, my friend does have other things going for her- she's intelligent and creative but seems to focus only on appearance. As far as helping her, I feel like I can't. If it were an insecurity issue, as I said to Carole, I would want to help her. But I really believe it is pure ego and that I'd offend her if I said anything. I have found myself trying to ignore what she says and avoid hanging out. It definitely helps to have other friends that have many things to talk about.

Thank you so much for reading my drama lol!
Gina
 
Hi Nancy,

You're very right, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Yes, Carole and Clare said similar things, but I appreciate your post as well. Like I replied to them, I really think it has nothing to do with insecurity. I suppose I could be wrong, but that's what my gut says. For now, I'm trying to block out the comments and laugh it off.

Thank you for reading my post. I really appreciate all of the wonderful people on this board who give such great advice, whether it be about fitness or life in general. I am so glad I found Cathe and this site!!!

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Gina
 
Gina,
One of these days she will catch you when you are PMSing and you may snap.Thats what happens to me.
I haven't been talking to my friend yet today.Not that she hasn't called here enough.Thanks God got call display,I didn't answer.I wasn't in the mood to listen to her whining.But I can gaurantee you that she will call here in the next couple of hours b/c she will want to tag along to where ever we are going.Or she will just want to know where I am.
Sometimes when she can;t find me she will phone DH cell phone.He says "Hello" and she says " wheres Lori ann?" Thats it! No Hi how are you,or even,do you know where Lori ann is to? I think she could be a little crazy.
Anyway,Good Luck with your friend.I have already learned how to handle mine,and thats what you need to do...or get call display and don't answer your phone:)
 
I agree that there is something going on w/your friend that has her seeking attention, but maybe it is not what you think. Could it be that she looks up to you and wants your approval? Could it be that there is something about you that she admires and maybe is jealous that she doens't have? This can be anything....husband, job, children, family.

I have to say this, and I hope that I don't get blasted b/c this is my opinion, but sometimes an attractive person has to deal with a lot of this behavior from others and after enduring it time and time again, maybe sometimes she just feels like she needs to vent. It sounds as if she is overdoing it but sometimes those things do happen and it is very annoying.

I don't think that by saying something about it, you will necessarily offend if you do it in an off-beat fashion. Maybe you could just suggest that she join another gym b/c of all the negative attention that she gets at hers. Then if she doesn't you can tell her that she has no reason complain! Maybe you can joke with her that she should wear something different...in a funny way like "well, you can throw on the old fashioned running suit up to your neck and then nobody'll bother you!" Then at least you tried something else before one day ripping her head off (which will probably happen if this continues and you never say anything!)
 
Thanks for your input!

I don't think it has anything to do with me, because she tells everyone these things...leaves quotes in her online away messages and what not. I don't think you're going to get blasted for saying that attractive people deal with things like that, well, certainly not by me. Of course people get a look or get flirted with on occasion. It's that drawing of attention that's really the issue (and annoyance). She really does workout like half-nakedly lol, so I like your idea bout telling her to put on some sweats or whatever! And I probably won't rip her head off- don't have the strength, it's just too big!!! Okay, that was a little mean but had to say it. Anyway, thanks for your advice!

Gina
 
Hi, Gina. Your friend reminds me of my sister. She used to go out in the skimpiest outfits and then be annoyed at the attention she received. She and her friends would go to after work type bars were all the other women were wearing business attire, but my sis and her group would wear micro minis and see-through stuff. Of course, the men were animals and the women were jealous. Which was ridiculous. The bit of "raping me with their eyes" really stood out to me. Sounds like something my sis would say with half her boobs hanging out and a t-back swimsuit on.

I like the idea of using some humor to get your point across. I'd say something like "Maybe you won't catch as many stares or catch cold if you covered up a bit." Or she could go to an all woman gym if she was truly bothered by it. I'm sure she wouldn't get quite as much attention if she wasn't skimpy in the dress department, but she must like it or she would dress differently.

I also think if I was around someone this egotistical they had better have some darn good other qualities to compensate for it. If not, I'd really scale back how much time I spent with her. She doesn't sound entirely pleasant. Other than that, I don't have any other advice.
 
When you were describing your sister, I could picture my friend in exactly the same attire and situations! I even thought, "Uh oh, could I be talking to her brother lol?" But you said used to... Thanks for replying!

Gina
 
Sounds like she's...

very confident in the looks department and maybe insecure in other areas of her life and maybe even feels inferior to you Jcrew.
I say let her do whatever she wants and maybe you just keep the distance a bit.
Men enjoy looking, no doubt, but if it's too over the top, it looks ridiculous and sad. I speak for many guys I know. Mostly, I imagine, she's being laughed at in the men's locker room. That's the cold reality of my experiences concerning that kind of thing.
Also does that gym have a dress code? If she's as skimpy and hanging out like you say, then tell the staff.
T. :)
 
RE: Sounds like she's...

Oh my gosh! This sounds EXACTLY like a friend. She has a great body... In her MID 40s she would wear VERY short skirts to work... and the same thing... We had to always hear why the men were drooling over her. And yep always the come back.. the women were jealous.... A

No advise but I can relate ;)
 
Gina: The only reason it is "used to" is my sis has 2 kids and never got back her shape. In her 20's it was very easy for her and she could eat what she wanted and never really developed the exercise habit. So now she is struggling and a lot more humble. She's my sis and I have tried to help her out with the weight issues (got her Slim Series and a Cathe) but, I also realize it is something she has to do on her own.

My only advice is weigh the good and the bad of the relationship and then decide how much time you want to spend with your friend. Some friends can only be taken in small doses, sometimes not at all. In my situation, it is my sis, so I couldn't cut her out of my life. Not that I'd want to 'cause she does have lots of lovely qualities.
 
RE: Sounds like she's...

Thanks, Trevor. I actually don't go to her gym. I know about her skimpy workout attire because she posts pictures of herself at the gym. So, I can't tell the staff. Also, the front desk guy gave her a free membership because he likes her, so I'm not even going to go there hahah!

Gina
 
RE: Sounds like she's...

Thanks Robyn! Oh my- my friend is only in her 20's- should I be looking forward to another 20 years of this lol?

Gina
 
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