Trying not to nag

S

Shaz

Cathlete
I have read the earlier thread on 2 be or not 2 be sensitive, and my post is similar, except that it is my partner (not child, I'm not a parent) that I am worried about. He is very much a 'comfort eater' and eats a lot of junk food if he's having even a slightly bad day. He is about 3 stone over weight, although he's very tall so actually carries it well. But, I'm really worried about future health problems. I'm a medical writer in cardiovascular disease, and when I try to tell him about the dangers, I think I just come accross all 'text book' and probably just sound like a complete nag, which of course does no good.

The earlier thread I mentioned is interesting, but unlike a parent worrying about a child, I can't stop him from having junk food in the house. Also, if I do mention it, he thinks its because I don't fancy him (which isn't true!) and this makes him feel worse about himself. I think he wants a healthier lifestyle, but for some reason he can't seem to get started. He sees me exercising regularly, but again, I think this just makes him feel worse that he is not doing the same.

How can I help him? Do you think that I should just keep quiet about it so that at least I'm not making him feel worse, and let him sort himself out his own way?

Sorry for making this such a long message. Your thoughts will be much appreciated!

Sharon.
 
I'd keep quiet.

I may moan about how I'd like to lose 5 pounds and quit eating so much, but I sure don't want my husband reminding me if I reach for second helpings!


Jeanne
 
Hi Sharon, this is a tough one indeed! You see, I know what it is to be really overweight, and during my marriage, my husband silently watch and endured me gaining MAJOR, MAJOR weight without saying a word. When I decided to lose weight(my own decision), he has just as silently supported me. My point is: I think if he had said anything negative about my weight gain, I would have internalized it and possibly ate myself another 100lbs heavier out of feeling like he wasn't pleased with me, but because he never said a word, neither pro nor con, it allowed me to decide for myself that not only did I deserve more out of life, but so did he as he was such a loving and supportive partner.
So I understand the health issues, etc., but please understand from a person who struggled and still struggles with food issues, that there is something your husband is getting from his "comfort eating" that you and even he may not completely understand, and all you can really do is love him and support him the best you are able. If the pounds begin to add up quickly, possibly non verbal cues such as "fat free" snacks in the cupboard may be a sort of silent clue to him that his snacking is adding up :) But tread lightly, esteem is easily destroyed especially in those who already struggle with it.
I sincerely wish you luck with this,
Donna
 
I'd keep quiet also. He is an adult and knows that he is overweight and knows what he needs to do to lose it. He can only begin eating better and/or exercising when he's ready physically and emotionally and you can't get him to that point.
I have a very thin husband who eats junk food all the time - lots of saturated fat, refined food, very little produce. It really scares me, but I've learned that there is nothing I can do except serve healthy meals and hope for the best.
Good luck!
Erica
 
I agree. You have already given him the information, and he will act on it when and if he is ready. Just set a good example with your own eating, and don't nag. If he ever ceases to be attractive to you due to his fatness, that will be another can of worms, but cross that bridge when and if you come to it.
 
I was very overweight the first 2 years of my relationship with my now husband. He was very supportive and a vegan health nut. I was a junk food vegetarian at the time but he never said one negative word and always made kind and uplifting comments when I'd talk about how I wanted to lose weight and become vegan myself. If he had said something about my weight and looks I would have been crushed, about my health though I would have been more understanding. He did things like make me a bowl of salad with my favorite dressing and we'd experiment with the healthier vegan versions of my favorite things but whenever I'd fall of the wagon and eat something bad he'd never say anything and if I was down on myself he'd remind me to take it day to day and not worrying about my failures as long as I was trying.

My father on the other hand was cruel and negative and guess what I stayed fat all through my childhood until I met Toby and he gave me all the love and support I needed to lose 100 pounds. I urge you to be positive with your husband at all times because no matter how frustrated you may be with him he's already feeling that way with himself and a lot more.
 
This is a very interesting post, and I'm glad I read it. I have the same "problem" with my husband. From time to time he has been more watchful of his diet and has lost some weight, but it doesn't last. At least he gets on the treadmill now and then. I had been wondering if I should speak up since being a "good example" doesn't help, but you ladies have persuaded me to keep my mouth shut. After all, I'm far from perfect myself!

By the way, do any of you have this additional problem? It is hard enough for me to eat healthy and exercise when I have only my own demons to wrestle with, but when my husband says, "come on, let's get ice cream" or "let's get a pizza and watch a movie" when I planned to work out, it's really hard not to cave in! And if I do manage to resist, I look like the bad guy!

What's a girl to do???
 
Is the timing ever such that it would be possible to reply with something like "I'd love to! Could you possibly wait for me while I run through this step tape (or whatever)"? Then you'd get to be company and example at the same time. --Karen
 
I enjoy being tough and setting a good example, and I'd only say it once, but maybe say, "For me, nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." It's the most motivational one-liner I've ever seen in my life and I have completely internalized it. Ice cream and junk food are just not worth it.
 
AMEN! I often use your line in those situations, except that since I'm on the road to thinning, I say, "nothing tastes as good as those dropping pounds feel!" And you know what? It's the truth, and I am always so proud of my decision a few days later when I weigh in and see my weeks loss. maybe i still would have lost the same pounds, maybe not, but I'm not willing to bargain with my progress!
Donna
 
I have been married to my overweight husband for 25 years. He gained 30 pounds with the birth of each of our daughters. He gained additional weight when we were nursing. He has never lost his pregnancy weight.I love him the way he is. He is loving and supportive to me. He doesn't drink, gamble, or run around. He is a nice person and considerate of others. He is a wonderful father and husband.

I have learned that each person has to take responsibility for his/her weight. It comes from within. I wish he would loose weight for health reasons. When he is ready he will. He is an adult and knows what he has to do. He knows I give him support. I have healthy foods in the house. I offer to go for walks with him. I set a good example. That is the most a partner can go.

Rhonda
 
I know this has not come up as a problem for any of you who are posting, but I know for sure I could never be sexually attracted to anyone who was overweight. If my partner became overweight, I could love them and be their friend, but puh-leeeeze do not expect me to give them more than a friendly hug.
 
A MANS POINT OF VIEW...

This thread was on my mind so at breakfast this morning I filled my husband in on it and asked him his opinion.
He says, "If any weight gain on your husbands part does not interfere with the way in which you feel about him sexually/physically, then say nothing, it can only hurt his esteem to feel his wife finds him less than an Adonis. HOWEVER, if you even THINK you may be becoming less attracted to him because of weight gain, then you OWE him the respect of discussing your feelings, and even though he may still be hurt, at least he can decide for himself if losing weight to save his marriage is more important than his ego, and do something about it before it effects your marriage."
P.S. I'd like to thank you because no sooner had my husband finished that quote before he pats his stomach and says, "ya know, my six pack is trying to become a case~maybe I should do something about it huh?" All I could do was smile and say, "whatever you feel is best sweetie!"
Just wanted to pass on a male viewpoint, hope it helps,
Donna :)
 
I have been married to the same man for almost twenty-five years. He has found me sexy when I was pregnant and afterwards. He has found me sexy when I have gained weight. He has found me sexy as I go through menopause. He has found me sexy when I have done dumb things and when I have been grumpy. I am lucky enough to have him love me. Thank God, "sexiness" has not been based on just outward appearances.

Rhonda
 
Rhonda,
I just wanted to say that I love what you wrote and that you and your husband are both lucky to have each other!! :)
Erica
 
RE: A MANS POINT OF VIEW...

That was a very clear, reasonable, compassionate way of looking at it. It seems like very good advice indeed.
 
Men view themselves differently than women do. Very thin women view themselves as normal, and heavier men can view themselves as attractive. It's all in our cultural view of ourselves....women are programmed to think they need to look like the ultra thin chicks in the Victoria Secret catalogue, and men do not get that signal from the print or visual media.

That being said, I would still not say anything to your hubby. He will get the message some day (maybe)when he sees himself in a photograph or in a good mirror. Or when a doctor gives him some news that makes him decide it's time to take control. Even then, HE has to be ready to make the change.
 
QUOTE:

"RE: Trying not to nag"
Posted by cherylnb on Jan-26-02 at 11:13 AM
By the way, do any of you have this additional problem? It is hard enough for me to eat healthy and exercise when I have only my own demons to wrestle with, but when my husband says, "come on, let's get ice cream" or "let's get a pizza and watch a movie" when I planned to work out, it's really hard not to cave in! And if I do manage to resist, I look like the bad guy!
What's a girl to do???
END QUOTE

I can so relate to this. I’m in really good shape and my DH is slowly getting out of shape. He’s probably about 2 stones overweight but it’s all gone to his middle! Any hints about him trying to shape up are always interpreted as me not finding him physically attractive and me planning to run off with someone else - it’s actually really funny now as it’s so far from the truth!

And yes, DH tries to encourage me to eat junk. I don’t believe in eating heavy meals in the evenings yet he always wants us to have really heavy dinners on weekends and often at 10/11 at night! I must have an iron will because I somehow resist the temptation and just have a light salad or fruit.


I agree that it’s a sensitive issue. I was a plump teenager and am still now affected by the remnants of the effects of hurtful and blunt comments from so-called friends and family which only made me eat more for comfort. The pain I felt then was indescribable. So I would just stay quiet if I were you - no matter how gently you try to bring up this topic, your partner will still find it hurtful as it’s already a touchy subject. It needs to be his decision to make the change and no amount of us telling them will make them do what’s best for them.

BTW my DH also smokes heavily (about 60 a day!!!!) but is trying yet again to give up. The smoking is a much bigger concern for me and I imagine all sorts of awful illnesses in the future. Again I just keep quiet and say nothing - if it’s not in the cards that he’ll take his health seriously, then at least he’s got good life insurance! I know this sounds heartless but how else is a girl to stay sane?

Hope this is somewhat helpful - I’ve learnt to be very relaxed about the whole thing and that approach keeps me sane!
 
As it have said, each person is responsible for herself. Each person has to set her priorities and try to follow through. On weekends I try to get up early to exercise so that it does not interfere with family plans. My family knows to eat a snack/light meal when they come home school or work because dinner is not until I finish exercising. I try to avoid scheduling conflicts and plan ahead. I also try to make healthy choices even when others around me are not. Even if he is eating late, you can always join with a cup of herbal tea, a salad, fruit, or some sorbet.

If my husband smoked would be of more immediate concern to me than weight, if no other reason but because of second hand smoke.

Good Luck,

Rhonda
 
Thank you so much for all of your thoughts on this. I'm really glad I asked about this, and your comments have all been very useful.

After reading your experiences, I feel bad now for mentioning his weight to him before. Even though I was trying to help, I'm pretty sure I just made him feel worse.

Anyway, the consensus is to keep quiet and just be as supportive as possible, so this is what I'll do from now on. I don't think I could ever become un-attracted to him, our relationship goes much deeper than that. It is his health I worry about. But you are all correct - it is up to him to do something about his eating habbits when he is ready.

Thanks again. This is a great place for advice and support!

Sharon.
 
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