To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cancer

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
I need some information.

Is it not OK to break down and cry in front of a family member dying of cancer? My Dad is in the end stages of his life and every time I see him I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I feel like a lost little girl in his presence. I want to be strong, but I feel like all I want to do is say, "I love you so much, please don't go, I will miss you so much" and just bawl. I have heard that breaking down is bad but doesn't it show you really care too??? He is in hospice right now trying to convert to methadone from Oxycontin but is SUPPOSED to get out Wed when he is likely to have to come live with me. We are not sure if he will make it till Wed. I am going to see him everyday until Wed. He won't let us care for him intimately and he has become incontinent of bowel and urine. Actually, he feels uncomfortable with ANYONE helping him, even the nurses. How do I deal with this? I want so bad to care for him....help him.....but he doensn't want it...WHY??. how will I care for him if we bring him home?????? He can't move without assistance really and pretty soon he won't be able to pull his pants up by himself at all! He is very confused and sedated most of the time so having a talk with him about it is pretty useless too. How should I approach it? I wanted to crawl right into his hospital bed with him and hold him but I knew he would be uncomfortable with that due to his incontinece. I just feel so helpless...

I am so lost! Please help!;( ;(
 
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, Janice. I somewhat know what you're going through. My father died of cancer in 1990. I never broke down in front of him, and he never broke down either, nor wanted to talk about how he felt about it or what he was going through. He also wasn't in the hospital. My stepmother cared for my father when he needed help with everything.

I do understand why your father wouldn't want you, his daughter, doing the more personal things for him, or to feel like you, the child, are taking care of him, the parent. Try to find other ways to help him. Bring him flowers from his garden (if that's applicable), read a book to him. Take pictures of someplace he'd like to be but can't go to. Whatever he enjoys, help him out in that way. (My father was at home when he died, but when he was in the hospital after his colostomy operation---he had colon cancer that had spread--my stepmother smuggled in one of the cats to visit with him. That made him more chipper).

And spend as much time as you can with him. If there's anything unsaid between the two of you, now's the time to do it.

And at the very end, my stepmother suggested to me that I tell my father it was alright to go, and we'd be alright without him, because he was hanging on but so weak. That's when I started to cry, but I was able to control the big weep because I knew that I had to do this for him. (he died in the night that same day). It hit me most at the funeral...I was a weepy mess.

I'm sorry if any of this made you even sadder. I know that right now is a tough time for you and your family. Hang in there. I'm sending you lots of loving vibes!
 
Hello Janice:

I also lost my Dad to cancer in 1989. Just tell him how much you love him and what a wonderful Dad he was and how he will always guide you. Even if he is medicated up he can here you.

We had the most wonderful hospice lady ever. She helped us all through this. I hope yours is as wonderful. Death is a natural part of life and she helped make it a peaceful transition.

My Dad was the most wonderful person ever and in the final days was able to say his goodbyes from his bed. He asked my cousins to watch out for us. At the time I was going through a divorce with a 1 and 3 year old, and I told him I'm sorry he has to see me like this. He said I'm not worried about you, you are a fighter and I know you will be fine. Over the years I have replied our last conversations in my head.

Agree many hang on because they feel they need to as the person left we also want to still have them around. Sounds like you are handling this very well.

I did cry in front of my Dad and he said he did not want to see me cry. I think as a Dad he didnt want to see his daughter in pain so I tried not to cry in front of him (wore glasses so he couldn't see).

Hugs and prayers for all of you. One thing that is great is you are spending as much time with him. You are doing all the right things.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I have been in a similar situation as you. I lost my mother just over a month ago to a terminal illness. Although this was the hardest, saddest, most emotional time of my life, I managed to keep from breaking down in front of my mom, only because I didn't want to upset her more. However, like you, I didn't want her to think I didn't care either. So, I didn't hold all my feelings in. I did cry with my mom. But I tried to be strong most of the time because otherwise I'd be crying all the time.

My advice is to tell your dad how much you love him and how much you will miss him. Tell him everything you want to make sure he knows, otherwise you will regret it later. Even if you're not sure he understands what you're saying, he will. It's okay to cry in front of him too. You can't hold it all in. I know it's hard to say those things to someone you love because, in my opinion, by saying those things it's admitting that you know that person isn't going to be around much longer, and it's hard to accept that.

And if you do have to take your father home with you, I would think you'd have the assistance of the hospice nurses. When my mother came home from the hospital, we had hospice nurses around the clock until she passed away, which only ended up being a day. It'd have been too overwhelming if they weren't there. So don't worry about that yet, I'm sure you will have help.

Just take things day by day, try not to get too overwhelmed, be strong, but be yourself too. If you have to cry, then cry. It is so hard to see a loved one suffer. I felt helpless, but at least I was able to be there for my mom in the end. Just being there for your dad at this time is the best thing that you can do for him.

Take care,
Melissa
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Melissa -

Hugs to you too.

Everything you say is so right. It's so recent for you. You speak from the heart and from your experience.
 
Janice-
I think it's important to respect his feelings about help with personal things. If he comes home, be sure to have a nurse do those things. It is so much easier to have a stranger do those things than to have a daughter do them. His feelings are understandable, and his dignity should be respected above all else, at all times.

As for your emotions, I think it's really a question of how open he is. My Dad died in 2004. In his final visit to the hospital, he cried and I allowed myself to cry with him at those times, but I did not cry on my own in front of him, because my Dad was a very optimistic guy and I did not want to destroy his hope. I held his hand, and listened closely to everything he whispered to me.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I allowed my Dad to lead. My Mom did the same thing. When he talked about his burial, she pursued it with him, but did not bring it up independently. In other words, let his final days be all about him. Let him talk about what he needs to talk about, and let him know that he can discuss anything at all with you and that you are open to conversation. That's my best amateur advice. Of course, the hospice workers know exactly what to do, and you can discuss your concerns with them. They have been trained not just to deal with the physical, but the emotional as well. They are a great resource.

I hope that helps a bit. I'm sure your Dad knows how much you love him, and that's the important thing. Please let us know how it's going.
Nancy
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

{{{{HUGS}}}}} Janice.

I understand as I experienced the same thing with my father and my darling MIL. BTW, dear MIL's name was Janice.

My advice/experience is pretty much what Kathryn and Nancy posted - the family told them it was ok to let go when they were ready and we followed their leads in all matters. And trust me, the person facing death will lead you and it is so hard to follow and then let go.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

I just wanted to chime in to reiterate an important point that Melody made. Calming and soothing words at the very end were very important for my Dad. Even with all the morphine, my Dad seemed a bit too "alert". My brother held his hand and kept telling him that everything is alright now, and it's okay, in the most soothing voice I've ever heard. Although it's not pleasant to talk about, it seemed to make a big difference, so I just had to share that with you.

{{{{HUGS}}}}}
-Nancy
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

God love you Janice, what you are going through is so raw and heartwrenching beyond words. I lost my Dad to cancer in '93, my husband in '97 and my beloved MIL last June. I was priviledged to be with my MIL until her last hours and my husband died in our living room while holding my hand. I no longer think of death in the terms that I used to but much more so as a reverse birth. This is their experience and our role is the honour of decreasing their suffering and let them know that it's okay to go. I strongly believe that birthing Mother's and dying loved ones must be given room to set the tone for these monumentous experiences. The last few quiet exchanges with my husband will resonate in my heart always, seeing a fleeting smile on his face in response to my last words to him has given me so much peace in the aftermath of life without him. If open displays of emotion are true to the nature of your lifelong relationship with your father and will not increase his suffering then hold him and cry your tears. If it is not something that has been a part of your relationship then it may increase his suffering and cause him distress. As caregivers we must vent our emotions where we can or we risk falling into depression which is all too often a result of anger and unspent emotional distress turned inward. If you can't spend your emotion with your Father make sure you find some outlet for yourself in your time of need, you need to get this out somehow.

I wish you oceans of mercy and strength as you walk with your beloved Father on this incredibly sad journey ((((((((peace))))))))

Take Care
Laurie
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Laurie-
I just read your post and I've been rendered (almost) speechless by your your deep insight and your invaluable advice, but I wanted to post something anyway even if it's just this sentence and a big {{{{{HUG}}}}}.
-Nancy
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Thanks for the {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}} Nancy...

In this wonderful forum we are bound by many similar and profound experiences, each with it's own set of deeply personal circumstances. Reading through this post reiterates a phrase that has resonated in my heart 'Joy shared is increased, Sorrow shared is decreased'. We are all thinking of you in a very special way Janice.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Laurie,

You have been through so much and your posts always reflect the strength, wisdom and insight you've gained from your experiences. I always appreciate your sharing with all of us.

A {{{{GROUP HUG}}}} seems in order for Janice.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Wow, Laurie. What a beautiful way to think of death. Thank you so much for posting that.

Adding to the hug here for Janice. I lost my mom to cancer nearly 10 years ago. She died at home with my dad there. We had hospice home care for her in the last few weeks. I did cry in front of my mom, but I stopped short of just completely losing it in front of her--for me at least, I felt that it would be selfish. It would make my time with her all about me, and not about her. I do remember many moments, though, when our family would be there and we would be laughing at my mom recalling funny moments or saying funny things--but there would also be tears streaming down our faces.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Once again, I am sorry for all the losses you all have suffered. Laurie, it seems you have dealt with more than your fair share in this lifetime so far. I hope to draw off the strength of you all right now. This is absolutely sucking the life out of me. I saw Dad today. He is very, very confused and very restless. I did not even want to leave him to come home. He has plenty of visitors though, definitely no lack of friends. I just hope he can be at peace and I hope I can get my brother to go see him. He is MIA....;(

Thank you all. I will heed your advice and try to contain myself around my Dad. Our relationship has never been very "gushy" so....BUT you never realize how much you really love someone and how much they mean to you until you are losing them... I laid with him in bed and held his hand, told him I loved him. That is all I could get out without breaking down. I prayed with him and the chaplain when she visited. All is good, for now.

Peace,
 
Janice,

I would not advise breaking down around your father but by all means, make sure you say "goodbye", whatever that may entail for you. My father died 15 years ago last month and I regret so much not taking the opportunity to do just that. I was there with him the week before he slipped into a coma and died but my siblings and step mother were always around and I was too self concious to say the things I would have said had they not been there. It's like a bell that can't be unrung and at times I find myself thinking about what I wish I had said. The sadness that comes from not taking the opportunity is not as strong as it was back then but it will never go away completely. My heart goes out to you and your family. You'll be in my thoughts and prayer.....
 
Janice, {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}} for you. I don't have any words of wisdom beyond what you have already been given, just know that you and yours are in my prayers.

Michele
 
Janice,

I have been in your shoes not once, but twice and I can only say this to you.

Tell him all the things you want to say now before he is gone. Tell him how much he has meant to you and pray with him every day. You can cry, but don't cry to him for comfort, he needs that from you now. Go home and bawl for your grief, but cry in front of him only because of your love for him. Just be there, hold unto him, but do not cling, his time is coming to leave this place and this pain, but he will be free to love you from above. Let him know it is okay to reach a point of peace.

My prayers are with you.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

You have already been given a lot of wonderful insight and advice, so I don't have much more to add. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your experience and to send you some ((((HUGS))). Also, just a little bit of caution in that sometimes the loved ones death doesn't happen in the way you might expect. At least for me, hospice was awful and my father suffered more than he should have. I had these foolish ideals of how his death would/should be and was very disappointed and traumatized (still 8 months later). I hope that this doesn't frighten you, I just wish I would have been a little more prepared for what happened. But I guess hindsight is 20/20 and you do the best you can at the time.

Many (((HUGS)))!
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice - I too wish I could give you one Gigantic hug. I lost my sister to Leukemia when she was 27 and although not to cancer, my dad 10 years later from a sudden heart attack. He was my best friend. I can't tell you how important it will be to you later to have said EVERYTHING you want to now. Share your feelings/love for him so that you won't regret not doing it later. I too did not cry in front of my sister and took her lead. She refused to even contemplate her passing so I saved my sorrow, tears etc. for my closest friends. Please know that I am thinking of you and will keep you in my prayers.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice - I lost my mom to cancer in January, so please accept my deep condolences. It's not an easy place to be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You've been given great advice, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. {{{HUGS}}}

Laura, thanks - your words helped me as well.
 
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