To mothers who have older children, or to whom it may concern

janiejoey

janiejoey

Cathlete
Hi Gang,

Seems for several years now, my daughter keeps bringing up things from her past. Me. Seems I'm not the perfect mom she had in mind. Seems I've made some mistakes about caring for her as a child. She is now 37 years old and having a hard time coping with her past.

I keep telling her I was only 17 years old when I was pregnant with her and 18 when I had her. I was a baby having a baby. It was hard trying to care for a young child, when you are only a teenager. A teenager, really is just beginning to think of other peoples worlds, and what they might be induring. But still (in my case) just thinking of myself. I didn't yet have the mentality of a grown up. Meaning thinking of other people yet. I did the best I could at the time. But my poor daughter suffered for my youngness. I wish I could go back and mend my mistakes, if not for anything else except to be more in-tune of my daughter at that time.

But I have to live with that for the rest of my life and there is nothing in this world that I can do to change it now (God I wish I could). I am so in-tune of her now, but she is a grown woman, and can't tell her what to do anymore, except be there for her if and when she needs me. Because of me, (tears in my eyes) I just wished I could have been the mother she deserved. My little one, oh how I love her with all my soul. I can now see how awfull her little life must have been.

All I can do now, is to let her know how much I truly love her, that I've grown up finely, and wish her life to be better.

Janie

Sorry folks, this is hard for me.


"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Janie,

I'm the same age as your daughter. My mom was certainly not perfect while I was growing up! I had a good childhood but there are absolutely some things I would have liked to be different, especially from my mom. But you know what? Life goes on. My mom, like you, did the best she could with what SHE knew from her own childhood. We all grow and change and hopefully learn from our mistakes, and I don't think it's fair to resent our parents for being human. Your daughter is a grown-up and needs to move on or deal with what is bothering her. Perhaps she is clinging to the past because it is easier than changing herself? At any rate, your posts here are always kind and sensitive and thoughful, and I hope your daughter is able to see that part of you!

<<<hugs>>>

Sparrow



Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I keep thinking how embarassing is it to post something like this, then I think, these people are great, with good sugggestions and heart felt warmth. Besides, it's great to vent isn't it? It helps get it out and then move on.

And that's exacly what I'm doing. I've also talked with my wonderful hubby, but still, women for some odd reason, need to keep talking until it doesn't hurt quite so much. Then they can let go. I'll be OK soon. I feel a little more talking will do the trick.

For that reason, I will continue to give any info I've learned, heard or read, to help you all too. Thank you so much.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Janie,
You were just a baby when you had your daughter. It was the same for my Mom. Furthermore, my mother never had anyone to nurture her, and had no idea how to be nurturing. I can't blame my mother for the things that happened then, and, like you, I know for sure she was doing her absolute best and that she loved me with all her heart. The difference between you and my mother is, you're interested in making things better NOW. What more can any human being do? Don't be so hard on yourself.

Your daughter is just going through a phase. Trust me, I've been through those phases. What you can do is listen and care, and tell her how sorry you are that she was hurt. And ask her what you can do NOW. Tell her you can't change the past, but you would like to make your relationship better. Tell her exactly what you're telling us. The best thing she can do for herself is forgive you. I saw a show on PBS with Dr. Christiane Northrup talking about mother/daughter wisdom. It was wonderful. Although I haven't read it, based on the show, I would highly recommend that you read that book.

Please don't try to bear the burden of all the guilt your daughter is assigning to you. It's just too much for anyone to bear, and you don't deserve to be punished for things you no longer have control over. If she has constructive ideas for making your relationship better in the present, great. Otherwise, listen to her, but don't take the guilt to heart. None of us is perfect.
-Nancy
 
RE: To mothers who have older children, or to whom it m...

Janie, my heart goes out to you and your daughter, you are both hurting in ways that cannot easily be mended or changed. My Girls are younger and not of an age yet to deeply question the subtelties of our relationship. My perspective has been that at 44 I see my own Mother in a whole different light. In the past 6 months I have been overwhelmed by the need to address certain events from years ago that I have not been able to reconcile on my own. I don't know why these things have bubbled up now and as much as I know that the past can't be changed I thought it necessary to talk to her about these things. Wrong approach...I now know that it is my responsibility to figure these things out and reconcile them independant of my Mom. It is not for me to use my Mother as the 'whipping girl' for all that I wish had been different. After a few attempts at addressing my issues with her I clearly saw that the situation was dangerously close to emotionally bullying her. Your daughter absolutely needs to reconcile her feelings and judgements but not at your expense. Seeing my Mother gnash her teeth and cry that she wasn't a good Mother was not my intention and seeing it caused me great regret and shame. You are a good Mother to want to see your daughter not hurt in the way she is hurting now. Your daughter wishing the relationship was different is not productive, she has to make a choice to stop the blaming and judgement and look deeper within herself to love you unconditionally and to look at you as a whole person, not just her Mother. Everytime I see my Mom now I remind myself to see not only my Mother but a woman who deserves all of the compassion and love that she wished she could have given to me and my siblings as she struggled through young adulthood as the Mother of 3 small children. I know that at some point I will be on the other end of the conflicted and complicated mother-daughter relationship, I pray that my Girls will see me not only as a Mother but as a woman doing her best to find her way through this very complex and emotionally unpredicable life. (((Hugs)))

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
{{{Janie}}}

I think you should tell her exactly what you told us in that first post.

My best to you.
 
Janie:

I completely agree with the people who say that she needs to find a way to take responsibility for her life.

I was pregnant at 17 and had my daughter at 18 as well. I did the best I could and I made so many mistakes that I couldn't even begin to list them all. She is 26 now and I guess I am lucky in that she has never spoken to me of the negatives of having a young mother, although I know that she feels them and has her own emotional scars to deal with because of them. Instead, I beat my own self up with guilt over many years because I grew up in a old fashioned family with 2 parents, mom that stayed home and had a wonderful childhood and felt guilty that I didn't give that exact thing to her.

It has taken me many years, but I have realized now that I did do the best I could and when I figured out better ways, I did them and that's all anyone can ask. The truth is I always stuck by her no matter what, sheltered her, fed her, clothed her, kept her in school and taught her right from wrong. I have also realized that traditional families aren't the only ones that work and that not everyone has to live that way to grow up to be happy. The older my daughter gets, the more she realizes what I did do, what an accomplishment that was and I know she appreciates it, the bad with the good. I think that your daughter simply has not gotten to that point, but she will. This is something that she absolutely needs to take responsibility for herself. Maybe the guilt you feel is keeping you from telling her how this is hurting you, but I think you should try to tell her. Maybe a counselor or therapist can also help her work through her own issues.

I don't have anything else to offer, but just wanted you to know that I absolutely know the weight of what you feel and that you're not alone.
 
Janie, I'm the same age as your daughter. I spent my late teens, my entire 20s, and the early part of my 30s doing what your daughter is doing to you now, even after my mom apologized repeatedly for whatever traumas she inflicted upon me as a child and during my adolescence.

My son is now 6, and for the last 6 years I've gone through more hardship with one little boy than my mom did with four kids. Since I was little I've always understood that she had good intentions for everything she did. It was the means that were troubling. These last 6 years have slowly pushed me to see my mom's life through a different set of eyes, and that has really made me appreciate everything she's done for me, regardless of how she chose to do them. I just came back from a long journey home, and I had the best time with my mother because I've learned to live and let live.

My point is, you've done your part. Let go and wait for your daughter to do hers. I'm sure motherhood will teach her some very important lessons, which will allow her not only to realize that there is no perfect parent but also to ACCEPT that what is done cannot be undone. It can only be improved upon.

Hugs,
Pinky
 
Nancy,

When I visit with her next week, I will tell her these things. Thank you for your insight from a daughters point of view.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Sparrow,

I was thinking about this post I created, and it might be a good thing for daughters out there, to understand your point of view. Thank you sincerely.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Sophiem,

Sometimes I wonder if it's too little too late. But I shouldn't think that way, I know. I did do the best I could at that young age, gave her clothes, food, love as I new it at the time, right from wrong...kept her in school also. I hope someday she will know that no one could love her as much as I, even at that young age, and of course still do.

"Responsibility for herself", that is something she may need to think about. Hope she calls on me if she takes that path. Talking to a therapist I've urged many years ago, and gently but very rarely still do.

You've been a great help with your suggestions, as a mother you know what I'm talking about, and that in itself is helpful. Thank you.

Pinky,

Wow! I thought you were just a healthy strong young person. I've gotten great advice from you. I will wait for my daughter to "accept that what is done cannot be undone. It can only be improved upon."

Knowing that you outgrew this with experiences of your own encourages me that she will come around. Thank you so much for your response.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
RE: To mothers who have older children, or to whom it m...

What wonderful advice you've received from some very wise woman. I don't have any advice for you, but do have a hug. Feel free to vent. You are right, it helps.
 
Janie,My mom had me when she was 17 and was just a baby herself! My mom made some bad choices and those choices affected me a whole lot, but I know that my mom was doing the best she could do! I could not understand why she wouldn't make the obviouse choices and resented her some. But now I am 37 and I can't dwell on the past! And it took a while for that to happen. I have a good relationship with my mom, but not one where if I need to talk to someone I probably couldn't do it. I have come to peace with the fact that we will never having that mother and daugther bonding thing, but I just enjoy just getting along.


Janie, I Know you are a lovely person and a wonderful mom. Hopefully your dd will realize that what mistakes were made are over and just go forward!

You put her through school, you clothed her, you fed her,and put clothes on her! That takes a Mom who loves and cares for her child to do that!

Therapist helped me out alot as far as letting go of some things and being able to vent!

Hang in there Janie, it will improve!

kim
 
Janie,

I was 31 when I had my daughter. She is 17 and now staying away from my house. Blaming it on my DH who is not her father. She won't talk to her father either (substance abuser). I apparently made many mistakes and she is just disappearing from my life. (See my post on teenage "stay" away).

I have sitting here with tears in my eyes - why do they think it is so easy to make any of the decisions we make? There are very few of us who don't love our children with all our love and all we are. I hope your daughter doesn't have children who turn the same around on her.

I definitely feel for you ;(
 
Thank you Kim,

I want my daughter to be able to talk with me. About anything at all. I believe I have that broad of a mind. If she can't with me, then who? I wish it were me. Hopefully that someone she can talk to, will give her good advice. She struggles in life more than I think she should. The thing is I feel so bonded to her, but she doesn't feel that way with me. A mother's love is soooooooooooooooooooooo strong.

I will suggest therapist again to her. Shoot, maybe I should talk to someone myself about it. They may have some wonderful suggestions as well.

Jacque,

Yes, I saw your post. You and I both are crying our eyes out today. (I'm patting your shoulder). I just don't think our children understand how we also get hurt with their words and actions. I keep trying to remember and what I was feeling that young.

With you it must be so frightening when they do things that are sooooo scary and dangerous. Like I said in your post, Hang On To Her Tight. Protect her with all your might.

I feel for you too Jacque. life is so hard sometimes isn't it? Jeesh

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Janie,
Comming from a childs point of view, Janie, it really sounds like you care soo much about your daughter. I mean you might have made a mistake by having her young, but you know some mothers in your position would just screw there kids and run off and od what they want. Yuo really, really care about her, and even though you may have had her too long, you really care. That means more than anything else. Your daughter is lucky to have a great mom like you!

Take Care,
~Adri;-)
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The Healing Power of Love and Forgiveness

Janie:

I read your post before I left the office tonight, and my heart broke for you. :-( I cried on the way to the club and prayed and thought about how I would respond to you. I am another one who is very close to your daughter’s age and writing from her perspective. I can testify without hesitation that your daughter is the one who needs to change. She needs to forgive and let go. I too had a traumatic childhood. I will not share all the details here because I have forgiven and want to honor my family. There is no doubt that the things I suffered left me vulnerable to some of the pits I wandered into later in life, but I ultimately had to grow up and accept personal responsibility for the choices I made or live in bondage to the past forever. It is true that the people who should have loved me unconditionally wounded me and left me with caverns in my soul, but I am the one who turned to alcohol, food, and countless compulsions and forms of bondage to fill the empty places. I cannot change the past. God does not even do that. I can break free from the past, live each day to the fullest, and make the most of the life I have been given.

I have been a believer for a little over 8 years. Knowing God’s unfailing love for me and how much He has forgiven me empowered me to forgive my family and start loving them unconditionally. You give what you need, and it comes back you. I started to love them with the same kind of unconditional love I longed for as a child. I also looked at the big picture and asked God to help me see my mother through His eyes. Wounded people wound people. You cannot give what you do not have. Mom loved me to the best of her ability. I want to thank you for posting what you did. Reading a mother’s perspective brought a new depth of healing. My mother is not a writer, but I know in my heart that she feels the same way. You blessed me today, Janie. Thank you!

I have prayed for years, and God is restoring relationships. Mom and I are developing a relationship and a friendship. My biological father (who abandoned me when I was a baby) called me Friday morning to wish me a happy birthday. He remembered my birthday! What a gift. I will never know what it feels like to grow up in a close-knit family, but I treasure these relationships more than anything on this earth because they are the result of hard work and tears. Emotional healing is not easy, but it is worth it. I am worth it. And your daughter is worth it. I hope she realizes that someday. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that the prisoner was you. I hope your daughter learns that powerful lesson too.

Every time I do Push Pull and hear “The Living Years,” I am so glad I made the powerful choice to forgive before it was too late. I am grateful beyond words.

Keep believing, Janie. It is possible to have a great relationship with your daughter someday. And you are one of the kindest and most tenderhearted members of this forum. You have allowed the mistakes of your past to shape and develop your character. You are precious. Believe that you are forgiven even if you daughter never expresses that in words. Let yourself off the hook. Love is the most excellent way, so just keep loving her. I will keep both of you in my prayers.

I also want you to know that I had a powerful defining moment tonight as I was thinking about this thread and my response. I was reminded afresh and anew that I do have the power to change. I am not a slave to my past, and I am not the wimp I act like I am at times. I will share more in a separate thread. Thank you, thank you, thank you for starting this.

Blessings,
Heather B.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
 
Ari,

You are so sweet. Hug your mom for me and tell her you love her, and by the way, mean it. You are just a doll.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
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