This is so sad.

6

67firecracker

Cathlete
There will be no exercising today...and probably not tomorrow. My exercise room/guest room has been taken over by my BIL. We got a scary call from him around midnight - he's now detoxing in my spare room. This isn't the first time he's detoxed on our couch. It IS the first time he called for help from us - other times we've pulled him out of the situations fearing for his life. So maybe there's hopes that this time he'll make a clean break. He has tracks up and down his arm and his beautiful face looks 20 years older than it should. This is so sad. We'll try to get him into a detox center AGAIN but he's burned so many bridges it's not easy. He is such a great guy I don't understand how this stuff has such a hold on him. I also don't know how to help him. I also don't know why I'm unloading this on the Cathe board!!!:-( Addictions are such a sad thing. Thanks for listening and enjoy your exercise.

Trish
 
Trish,

I am so sorry for you. Letting him detox in your home is very noble of you. Really. Maybe this is the time he'll get clean. Maybe not. But, you do want to know he's doing it in a safe place- with you.

The only thing is, please, no matter how much you love him, don't let him use you in any way that could enable his addictions.


My love and prayers,
Marla
 
I'm sorry to hear of your BIL ,I too deal with addictions in my life .Me not being the addicted.Its a long story but right now I'm going thru kinda the same thing . My X My two older childrens dad .Is very very sick right now , Ummmmm about 8 weeks ago he called ,I knew stuff was going on huge like he was spririling out of control .... Homeless too !!! Anyhow when he called that night ,he was DIEING I got him to hang up call 911 and then call me back He was at a laundry mat in Montana. Anyhow They came and got him . He was in Intensive care fore 7 days and nights , Had seizures etc etc ... Umm then 2 days in normal hospital .No Money no treatment . No insurance ... So now Well its awful for my kids TOO . He was also diagnosed Bi pollar /manic depression / Schitsofraentic . Oh my gosh So that explains some of his issues . Anyhow its very sad as hes out on the streets again . I'm trying to help him get closer to his kids here and got a treatment place lined up All he has to do is get here . I dont know if he can even handle that ... I guess what I'm getting at We you and me cannot save our loved ones that are addicts . Good luck with the detoxing just put him in hospital if it gets bad ...They really can DIE from the withdrawels !!!!What a sad sad thing .Hang in there though you are a good good person to help when no one eles will . I know they burn bridges but I feel NO ONE no matter what should be alone in times like this . I'm my X's Life line right now ..Lucky I have a good hubby that loves my kids too ,and understands when I'm on the phone with X trying to help . I could go on and on .My X will die soon if no one helps at this point . So pray please . I will to for you ... Take care Mary
 
Mary.....now THAT sounds like my Dad! :)

Trish....I really do hope your BIL takes advantage of the opportunity and uses it. If it is the first time he has called on you, maybe it will work. I will say try not to give him any money, and maybe watch your house closely. Having an addict that "fresh" in my house would scare me, as far as theft goes. That first 48 hours or so is very dangerous. Addictions are so, so, hard to beat unless the person really wants it. Good Luck with him. And, I have seen detox first hand and they can die from it, so keep a close eye on his disposition medically....

And I agree strongly with you. It is so very, very, sad to see a life wasted. Hopefully it will work now so that he does not end up like Mary's ex....
 
Bless you, Trish, for your compassion and generosity in taking him in. I hope he makes it this time! Is there any way you can exercise elswhere? Sneak in a modified workout in another room or hit a gym for a short time? Exercise is such a beautiful way to deal with stress and your life has a premium on stress under the circumstances. Keep the faith. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I pray you all come out into the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your eye on that light! I will be holding you in my heart along with your BIL!
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

- Mary Oliver
 
Mary and Trish,

I don't know what to say but I want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with both of you and your families.

Sending hugs, Wendy
 
I work with people with addictions. Sometimes you can only help so much and then it is up to them. Often times people with addictions know that people like you will save them. It's wouldn't be mean of you to give alittle tough love. He needs to save himself. You can't. This is just my experience of growing up with alcoholism and currently working with it. Your BIL has the tools to stay clean. Now he needs to use them. Do you think you are enabling him?
 
Trish,

Get out and get your exercise....you need it. I certainly hope things work out best, for all concerned.

My little sister is an alcholic. We tried and tried to help her by forcing her into rehab and sending her to various doctors. She lost her job, her kids, her license. She now lives in some kind of fantasy world, she has just lost touch with reality. Now it is a situation where we are there for her if she calls; but, will not give her money or a place to live, all we will offer her is help to stop drinking, which she chooses not to do.

It is very sad.

Take care,
Lisa
 
Thank you so much for all you kind words, prayers and warnings. To set some of your minds at ease - no, we don't let him use us. He knows better - I think. He usually heads elsewhere if he needs money, food, etc. (Strangely enough it seems he can meet a girl anywhere who will take him in - why are some women so stupid?) We give him a bed and food, fun and love. This probably explains why he doesn't land here more often - shoot, he can't even get a drink or a cig off us! We ask for plans and deadlines and we will help him by taking him for medical help, to a detox center etc. but that's it. We listen to him talk and tell him to shut-up when the addict starts whining ("You haven't been there for me...whine, whine)

We live in the center of absolutely nowhere so getting drugs while he's here is an impossibility unless he's up for a REALLY long cold walk. So far he's been sleeping and sleeping. My DH checks to make sure he's still alive every few hours. Part of me is so happy he's here, after he left the last detox center we put him in, I was sure the next time I'd see him was at his funeral. Somebody mentioned the word 'noble' in what we were doing. I don't feel very noble, giving a bed, a cup of water, a hug and the odd "shut-up or get out" to a wasted life is basic civility.

BTW He is a good object lesson for the kids. We've never had any trouble with our teens experimenting with drugs. They love him so much, he is so much fun, but they can't believe the wreck he's become.

I'll rest today and exercise in a different room tomorrow. (That's probably the other reason he doesn't stay around here long. Everyone in my house hates waking up to the 'tap, tap' of my stepping!)

Thanks again for letting me vent. You guys are great.
Trish
 
I agree with Fab40. You can only do so much. This is so, so sad. Have you guys tried a family intervention?
 
I think you're doing a wonderful thing and you clearly care. I also agree that you cannot save him. When you try and take on other peoples problems (the kind he has) they are freed from taking responsibilty for there own lives. When your attempts fail (as they normally do when trying to help people with addictions) it will be you that he blames.

Please don't take this as a bashing. I really think you're doing a wonderful job taking him in and caring, but it really is up to him to sort out a rehab clinic and not yours or your husband. You should care for him, but not take care of him. If that makes sense???

My thoughts are with you.
 
Very well said, Wayne.

The sad thing is that people with addictions have to want help before help can be given. It's the people that love and care for them that suffer.

My husband is a Counselor that worked with addicted juveniles for three years. He truly believes that addicted people are contagious, but only if YOU let the disease affect you.

SOLID boundaries are so very important!
 
Here, here, Wayne and Candi and Trish! I have seen so many people stay in the disease because loving (and well-meaning) family members confuse love with, I hate to say it, enabling. Just being there for him is indeed very noble but making sure he knows it's to aid in sobriety only is so important. Tough love is tough but sometimes it's what it takes to get someone back on track. I'm sending you another dose of well wishes and blessings! A day at a time and the hope that it will stick!
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

- Mary Oliver
 
Update.
BIL is gone and I'm happy and sad. I exercised up a storm because I could but also to relieve stress. I have no idea if we did the right thing. He slept for a few days getting up only to eat like a horse and use the washroom. (I talked him into a bath day 3!x( ) Yesterday he was awake and looking terrible and like a caged bear. There is a long-term detox center near here that we put him in last Feb. but he wouldn't go there. He says they're stupid - translated that means there are too tough. They have an 80% success rate for those who stick with the program. The program can go for two years transitioning them to a job.

He wants something fast so he can get a job and get on with life. A short term facility had an opening (so he told us - again not sure we got the truth) so we drove him there - 1 1/2 hours away. When we got there they didn't have an opening anymore so he asked us to drop him off at a friend's place. **SIGH** We did. I feel sick about it but he has to make his own decisions right?...It all gets so complicated dealing with people like this that you end up not knowing when you're really helping and when you're enabling.

Thanks again everyone for your wise words.
Trish
 
Trish -

Given what you said about his thoughts on the long-term care place (everyone is "stupid" to an addict), and the fact that he supposedly horn-swaggled his way out of the short-care place (do you really believe there was an opening at all?), I'd write him off. He doesn't want help, he doesn't think he has a problem, so let it go, It's up to him. You can only do so much. He knows what he'll have to do - admit he has a problem and go clean, which he does not want to do.
 
My mother has always said, where there's life, there's hope so I'd keep telling him how much you love him and how good his life can be sober but keep those boundaries in place. It can take a lot for a person to bottom and for some reason they often feel they HAVE to bottom before getting help. He may not be ready now. It often takes several tries but I do know there's no such thing as a disposable person and if you love him, that's the one thing you can keep giving an addict and it's the one thing that may help them conquer that last barrier. I love you and I will never give up on you. You need give nothing else and he may go down lower than he has, but then again he may get sober. Where there's life, there's hope! :)
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

- Mary Oliver
 
I may have been too harsh, and DO agree that there's hope always, BUT our friend Trish must keep her guard up and not let BIL take advantage of her. Like Bobbi said, keep those boundaries in place.
 
The strange thing is he keeps switching addictions - this last time he was shooting cocaine daily for 3 months straight several times a day. Last year it was alcohol, before that it was gambling, before that 900 chatlines, before that crack! How many bottoms can we see him though? Each time the bottom gets lower! What's next??!!? (Don't tell me - I'd rather be surprised.:( )

He does have an uncanny way of still being positive. As he stares out my window, I think he's considering his nasty ways, but instead after about an hour he pipes up and says, "You know, I think I'm the best off of anyone. If a tsunami hit I'd have the least to lose. I don't even own underwear. It would affect me the least."

How is that for positive thinking? :p
 
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