This is not fitness related but need to vent and ask op...

[luckyruns]

My father is dying of cancer. He will need a kidney removed but prior to that he will need to have a tumor removed from the liver. He will need to travel to a hospital about 3 hours away. MY parents informed my DH and I the other night of what was to happen--not knowing when the appointment is. I saw my mother yesterday at my daughter's soccer game and told her to call me in the morning regarding the appointment. I heard nothing all day today-- I called three times. I finally got a hold of them at 4. She explained he had more tests but hadn't heard about the one in the other hospital. I told her she should have told me about the tests-- I could have sat with them.Tonight she called and told me the office called. Its set for next week, Wednesday. They will be leaving tuesday and coming home thursday. I interupted her and asked "Mom wait you arent driving alone?" (It's a place 3 hours away--someone healthy could make the trip in one day- maybe two if you wanted to take your time) She said your sister is taking us. MInd you she works retail. I said "She can take time off like that?" My mother said "Oh its all set-- she has sick time." I then asked about her son--- "what about alex?" My mother informed me they will be bringing her 8 yr old with them. MY sister is divorced and does not get along with her ex at all. She is controling and spends alot of time with my parents. Basically they help her out alot. My reply to it all was -- "wow you guys have it all planned" She slipped and said "Your sister has been working on it all day--" hence the reason I coudln't get a hold of them. NOw my dad is dying-- I do not want to start a fight and have something terrible happen and upset my mother. BUt tell me when is it time to stand up for myself. I mean if they wanted her to go -- I could have watched her son-- I have in the past---. Since he has been dx with the cancer-- my sister has taken right over. Right now-- I feel hurt and left out -- but I also know this is a trying time for them-- and I do not want to upset anyone.But I honestly can not help but feel left out.

Side note: I am a stay at home mom.... kids are older. I am also a nurse--- she claims to know more and I let her get away with it.

Am I wrong? Should I not say a thing? Or should I put her in her place-- risking her going to them and upseting them? (which she will and she knows I don't want to start anything)

 

[Lean Lori]

So sorry about your dad, hugs to you and your family. Can you talk to your sister without your mom present and try to work it out with her? I don't really have any advice for you, it's just sad that your sister can't reach out to you in your family's time of crisis. I hope your sister realizes how much she needs ALL of her family right now.

Lori

 

[NurseLRT]

I am also sorry about your father. Kath, I can understand why you feel left out.

I am with Lori. I would try to talk to your sister alone, and explain your feelings to her. In the meantime, I would offer help and support needed for your parents, which I am sure you have been doing.

Lori

 

[red_mct]

I think it sounds like your sister is insecure and controlling, and that probably has a lot more to do with how she feels about herself than with you. I am really sorry, though. This sounds like such a tough situation.

If it was me, I would be firm with her, but not in front of the parents.

Good luck & I hope things look up for you.

Marie

 

[Miss Lee]

Oh Kathy, I can't imagine the mix and jumble of emotions you must be feeling right now. I'm so sorry for you and your family and will keep you in my prayers.

I don't really have any advice but I hope you will feel free to use this forum to vent your frustrations any time you need to. Do you think it's possible that your sister feels beholden to your parents and just wants to do everything she can to make up for their generosity towards her?

Have you considered going along with them? Maybe your in-laws can watch your kids for a couple of days. Boy, I just don't know the answer but I'll pray God provides one for you. Take good care.

Michele

 

[pink_fortitude]

I am so sorry about your dad. Really sorry.

My DH went through the same thing when his dad was battling with cancer. His oldest sister is so incredibly controlling, as well, and took charge of everything, including his time. She took him to get pictures taken with him and her family (he has five other grandkids besides hers), blew up huge pictures of the two of them and hung them on the wall, planned for them to spend every waking minute together at the park, over to her house for dinner (there was never the open invite for any of her other 4 brothers and sisters) and other really narissistic things like that. DH and his other sister told her that she is not the only one that loves him and we all want to spend time with him. This did cause a riff, sad to say. I don't see how it couldn't, she is so......selfish and domineering. In the end, DH did get to spend more time with his dad, and he doesn't feel bad at all for having to tell his sister that she isn't their only child. Life is so short. One day your dad will be gone and then you will regret not taking a stand to be beside him and holding his hand when you wanted to, and maybe he did, too, but everyone is too afraid of your sister so noone spoke up.

I would speak to her, MOST DEFINATELY, but not around your parents. I would do it in the most mature and responsible way while I am collected and not at all emotional, though I know tha tis really hard at this point. You want to share the joy and pain with your father, and you guys need to coordinate things together so that noone feels left out or unloved.

I am giving you great big hugs right now.

Missy

 

[luckyruns]

RE: This is not fitness related but need to vent and as...

Thanks so much for the advise. After a night of sleep-- well some sleep I've decided to not to say anything to my sister. Anything I would say to her, she would run back to them and upset them. I think this morning , I will run over to their place and visit them and make them well aware of the fact I would have been more than happy to go with them, as a matter of fact my DH was all set to take the day off to do the driving. And I will also let them know she could have left her son with me.(He has stayed with me in the past--as a matter of fact he has asked his mother several times if he could spend time at our house--which she won't allow)

At this moment in their lives--- last thing they need is people being upset. I do not want to be responsible for that.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers. This is not going to be an easy ride for my father--- he has already battled prostate cancer. Now it is has been found in his kidney/liver and they found a spot on his lung.

Life is too short to have people upset.

Besides---- some day I plan to let her know exactly how I feel about her.


}(

 

[solara]

Kath ~

I can only echo everyone else's responses. I have a similar situation but the roles are reversed. I'm the oldest daughter and my parents tend to lean/rely on me more. I wasn't always forthcoming with information to my younger sister for a number of different reasons. It wasn't until my sister spoke up that I began to make a stronger effort to talk to my sister more and thank her for her offers to help out. There's enough emotion running through the situation without adding sibling dysfunction to the mix. I hope you and your sister reach an understanding. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

~ Kim

"Welcome the challenge...Embrace it...Don't fear it." -Cathe Friedrich

 

[luckyruns]

RE: This is not fitness related but need to vent and as...

Thanks Kim for the advise. My sister and I are two totally different people. WE are both adopted---that for one makes us different but her personality is very different from mine. I am the second oldest in the family. She is the baby. She and her husband divorced and she has basically made my parents her life. MY older adopted brother is not even in the picture and my younger brother is in Florida and does what he can. YOu are 100% right on not allowing sibling dysfunction get into the mix--hence why I won't say anything to her.

 

[clareMc]

Kath:

Is it not "being part of the arrangements" that bothers you or the fact that you may currently have reduced access to your father?

There are members of families who leap to do the arranging, I have 2 sisters like this, and if their choices and actions are competent and effective, you might not want to get too upset about this. Does it matter who does the arrangements if it leads tothe best care your dad can get?

On the other hand, I would not accept to be cut out of the loop completely. You should fight to have time with your dad definitely. You have to see him as much as both he and you can withstand at this painful time because you have to say goodbye. It will help you with your grieving process to have seen him as much as you can. I would fight for this.

I am sorry also if the whole wording of this causes you pain and upset. here we are all talking about your experiences in the abstract, but for you they are currently the stuff of life.

kath I send you much strength to help you get through.

Clare

 

[nancy324]

Kath, I'm so sorry. My Dad just died of pancreatic cancer last October, so please feel free to IM me.

I don't blame you for feeling left out. You need to speak up immediately and tell your mother that you want to be included in on everything. This is VERY important. I would not worry about upsetting them, because they should not be upset by knowing that you care.

Something similar happened to me. For one appointment, my Dad said he just wanted my brother there (my brother tends to take over and be in charge of everything). When I brought it up to my parents, they changed their minds. My Dad said "of course I want you there", and that was the end of it. You need to bring them to their senses. They're overwhelmed and may not realize what they're doing.

When you all look back at this, it will be a comfort to remember that the family was all together, acting as a unit. You can take my word for this.

HTH,
Nancy

 

[luckyruns]

RE: This is not fitness related but need to vent and as...

Hey girls--
Thanks again for the opinions and advise. I do know everyone's situtaion is different and yet there are similiarities.

My sister is not one to handle arrangements--she is one to take total control . She at times talks down to my mother-- TELLING her what she should and should not do etc. There is a long history there and I dont feel comfy getting into it all on here--besides-- that matters NOT. MY father's care and well being is what matters.

I stopped into their place after my run. MY sister was there. I said very nicely --"Why don't you let alex stay with me? So that you won't have to take him out of school?" MY sister immediately responded stating everything has been planned and I am not needed. Her words. I then turned to my parents and said "You know Tim & I were willing and are able to take the whole day to drive you down. He has time on the books and he would love to be able to do that for you" MY mother said that my father wants my sister there. I looked at him and said "Dad--seriously we can do that for you" He said "NO no your sister would love to go with me" I said "OK but you know we are available-- this way no one needs to pull kids out of school and no one would have to take a sick day"

MY sister informed me that she is the one needed. There was nothing more for me to say then ok.

 

[LoDo]

RE: This is not fitness related but need to vent and as...

Kath,

First, let me say I can't imagine what you are going through and I hope the best for you and your family.

I don't understand something. Do you WANT to be with your father and mother for this procedure? If so, it's not a matter of whether you are NEEDED. If you want to be there then you need to communicate that because if I understood your above post, you never said that to them. You communicated your were "available", "willing" etc. Just flat out say, "I want to be with Mom and Dad during this time." And hopefully you and your sister (or just bossy betty) can work out how to make that happen.

IMHO

 

[nancy324]

RE: This is not fitness related but need to vent and as...

Kath, Lori is right. "Needed" or not, you should be with your father. That's where you want to be. Do not allow your sister to squeeze you out. I'm working on an estate right now where one controlling sister edged the other sister completely out of the family, and the litigation over the mother's estate is horrific and expensive. Don't let it go that far! Establish your position in the family NOW.

 

[lisaannjam]

RE: This is not fitness related but need to vent and as...

Hi Kath,

I am so very, very sorry. After reading your last post, my heart is just breaking for you. I know it's difficult enough dealing with a dying parent, let alone the coldness that your Sister seems to be conveying. I would only say to you, if you want/need to be somewhere for your own peace of mind, then I believe you should be there. If you think it's best to let them go on with their plans (not your first choice) then do that. You have made yourself more than clear that you are there for all of them. You are a very thoughtful person to have dealt with the sitation the way that you have.

I have a younger Sister that is bossy, disrespectful and controlling with my Mom, and my Mom does everything for her. My Mom practically raises my Sister's two children. But, when my Mom needs medical attention, financial help and the like then it's my job.

I don't want to make this about me, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. It is so difficult to deal with everything all at one time.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of YOU. And I will pray for your father and your family.

Lisa J.

 

[honeybunch1]

RE: This is not fitness related but need to vent and as...

Well, that would make me sick! I really feel bad for you. It seems that situations like this bring out the worst in familily members.
Just Do It!