these office fundraisers are killing me

W

wendygurl

Cathlete
Uggg... I need advice. I work as a nurse in an outpatient clinic with 18 women. this time a year the lounge is filled with fundraisers they are having for their kids. Anyway, one person I work with has her two kids in private school and every activity ever created. she at any given time brings in two or three fundraisers. The problem is, she is a very very good friend. I hate to tell her no to any of them because I don't want hard feelings, but its killing me!!! right now I owe her over 50 dollars for one cookie dough, one pizza kit and some nuts.
How can I handle this without going broke or losing a friend? Any advice.:eek:
 
You shouldn't feel obligated to buy even from a good friend. You could tell her the truth that you just don't have the funds to order from all of the fund raisers. If there is something that you truly want and can afford then buy it. I'm sure a good friend would understand. Good luck.

Jenn
 
Actually, I cannot believe the lack of discretion and sensitivity of this so-called "friend" of yours who, even though she has enough money to have multiple kids in private schools, has forgotten that not everyone has access to the same budget she enjoys.

It is not you that has the problem, it is her.

In your place, I would have absolutely no compunction in telling her that "I am sorry, but I am neither able to give her the $50 I had signed up for, not unless I default on my mortgage payment this month, nor am I able to contribute to any future fund raisers her children may be participating in with their schools." You do not have the luxury of a salary so high that it affords you the ability to contribute to the fund raising activities of other people's children.

What happens is, she already has more money than you and if you participate in these fund raisers, you are giving her money so her kids can either: 1) afford to go on special trips and the like, which your friend is already well able to pay for outright, or 2) win stupid prizes from the school for being the person in their year or class who raised the most money.

Seriously, for your own sake, woman up and demand to be treated with respect. You cannot afford to be doing this and if she is a true friend, she will respect your honesty and hopefully feel somewhat ashamed of herself for continuing to ask you to buy crappy cookie dough and ridiculously over-priced wrapping paper that is not even from recycled paper.

If you don't take a stand now, you will continue to be considered fair game. If you do lose her friendship for telling the truth, then she was not a friend to begin with. Friends understand each other's financial limitations.

Go on, just do it! I'm backing you all the way!

Clare
 
I would be upfront and explain that she is a good friend and you would love to be able to help out, but you just can't afford it. As others have said, if she is a true friend she will be understanding. She would probably feel terrible if she knew you were doing it out of guilt and would prefer your honesty.

Four of my kids bring home fundraisers from the school and I don't even bother family with them, because I know no one wants to spend money on that stuff. :rolleyes: I would actually prefer the school ask a flat donation from families rather than send these fundraisers home each year. Besides, most of that stuff is way overpriced!

HTH!
 
I agree with the other posters, you just need to be upfront and tell her that you cannot afford to buy things for all of these fundraisers. There is no shame in telling people 'no' when you are not comfortable with something.
 
I think this type of fund raising should not be allowed at work. I worked in a place, a large company, that had a policy that you could do it, but you could not promote it in emails, or walk around to everyone's desk, but even then, the whole obligation thing towards friends was always looming. And all those darned Girl Scout Cookies were torture!!! I love those chocolate caramel ones. I once bought a box, and made a friend keep it in her drawer so I would eat them only a few at a time :p.

But that aside, cause it's not going to go away, personally, as a friend, I would order from her once, tops twice a year, and only something that I could somehow use, like I will eat nuts, but not candy. I had no problem telling my friends, oh there is nothing on here I will eat, or "no way I can have this stuff around me!" (I'm always "dieting"). And if there was something I actually needed, I would pay the sky high price for the fund raiser that one time, but at least get something I needed, like once I bought an erasable refrigerator calendar, that actually came in handy. And other than that one time above, I always passed up the cookies.

The funniest fund raiser experience I had, was a woman rang my doorbell one night, she said my husband bought stuff from her DH one day, it was like 2 cans of nuts and/or candy, and I was a little surprised because she said they caught him when he was outside, and honestly, my DH was NEVER outside in the yard. But she was super nice, so I just paid for it, went up to tell DH about it, and as I was the doorbell rang, she realized she brought the stuff to the wrong house! :eek: We traded back.

Good luck, this stuff stinks, but really you have no obligation to buy anything, or pay for her kids gym to get new equipment or whatever is on the docket that day. And truly, if this causes bad feelings, she's really not that good of a friend.
 
so funny about the cookies. can totally relate haha. my mom loved those too. caramel delites. and thin mints. oh and turtles.
i once had to sell a box of candy bars for school. bought most of them myself with babysitting money. ooo i hate selling. if i sell something it has to be something i really believe in and will help them. i can just see it. you walk into the grocery store/farmers market. i'm selling produce. you want to buy some, but need some ideas for dinner. or budget friendly ideas etc. then i give the shopper a few recipes, and they go home happy with their veggies. win-win :)
 
Just a couple of days ago, I told a co-worker I wouldn't buy his daughter's Girl Guide cookies because they have trans fats (they don't have as much as they used to, but it's still there!) He took it well. Look, most of these parents are just as uncomfortable with the whole thing as we are - they don't like asking anymore than we like turning them down. They just feel obligated to go through the motions. I doubt that they are aggressive salespeople; just don't mention the subject, and if they bring it up, say that you are supporting one particular charity this year exclusively, because it's a cause near and dear to your heart. And then say "Actually, I was just about to ask you to support my charity..."
 
I just say no. You're not obligated. I don't go in on gifts or anything at work, because I have other obligations for my money. I also don't take my daughter's fundraising things to work. I think the whole thing is pretty awkward and I wish they would be banned. My daughter's school has Frito Lay sales and Easter candy. I don't participate in either.
 
Back when I worked, I made it a rule that I never bought from anyone, even my one co-worker that was also a friend. My kids are homeschooled, but at the end of my son's basketball season last year, the woman running it sent out a notice that for this year there would likely be a mandatory $100 fund raiser per kid and every parent I talked to said they would rather just pay the $100 themselves than fundraise. They all hate having their kids sell stuff because then they in turn feel obligated to buy from other kids whose parents buy from their kids. It's a nasty cycle and no one seems to care for it other than those actually organizing it!

As a kid, I hated selling and never sold to anyone other than my parents, and grandparents. My brother though was a pro. One time when selling candles, he came home and hit the neighborhood so fast that he actually sold candles to a couple people who had kids, in his class, that were also selling them, but hadn't told their parents yet!
 
even though she has enough money to have multiple kids in private schools, has forgotten that not everyone has access to the same budget she enjoys.

What happens is, she already has more money than you and if you participate in these fund raisers, you are giving her money so her kids can either: 1) afford to go on special trips and the like, which your friend is already well able to pay for outright
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I apologize in advance, Clare, but this just sounded a little hostile to me. Maybe I'm sensitive because I, too, have multiple kids in private school, and we do participate in fundraisers. My budget is really not any more than my friends and neighbors, though - we do a lot of scrimping and saving, careful spending and doing without, plus we take advantage of every tuition program/discount they offer. We drive very old cars, don't have vacations, and use lots of coupons. And, no, we can't afford to pay for special trips, outright, either.

Our fundraisers usually go to cover the cost of books, building maintenance, and, most recently, asbestos removal in a very old building. Since we are a private school, we don't have public funding to cover the basics, so we have to do it within the school budget, including tuition and fundraisers. As with my family, many times the school just does without.

Another thing I have respectfully bring up is that, because my kids are going to a private school, I am actually SAVING the community the cost of educating my kids, despite the ridiculously high school taxes we're paying. I'm paying so someone else's kids can go to school and have better technology and go on better trips. (not complaining about this - it's the right thing to do. Just wanted to mention it, since that point gets lost sometimes when I'm getting grief from someone about sending my kids to private school.)

So, yes, there are fundraisers, but I don't think it's any more than any other group - daycares, kids in music programs, cheerleading, Girl/Boy Scouts, dance classes, language programs, city youth groups, church youth groups, etc. ALL have fundraisers.

My point is that if your beef is with fundraising, please don't blame it all on the private school families who you assume have gobs of money to waste. We don't.

In general, if someone doesn't want to participate in the fundraisers, DON'T. Or pick one or two that you can honestly use or like. If you want to participate for friendship reasons but are watching your budget, just make a small donation to the cause instead of buying something. That's my 'out' - I just give the kid a few bucks (which is what they'd make in profit on whatever I'd buy) and then I don't have to figure out what to do with the junk they were selling. Ironically, in the last month, I've made 5 such donations, and they were all for kids going to public school....

Hope this doesn't come across as mean or angry or anything. I was just kind of taken aback by the comments and felt like I had to say something.
 
How people choose to save or spend their money is a very personal thing and I try not to assume anyone has money or doesn't have money based on where their kids go to schoool (or what car they drive, etc. etc.)

My friend and her husband sacrifice a lot to send their children to private school because of their faith. They gave up many other things to pay for school.

Anyway - I would think the OP's friend would understand if you just said no thank you on the fundraiser. There are so many these days, how could you possibly support them all! Surely they understand this.

I never take fundraising stuff to work because a lot of people in the office report to me and I would feel VERY uncomfortable asking them for money. I've also found that the teachers at school are quite happy to take a direct donation if you choose not to participate in the fundraiser - which is what we normally do. BUT there are other families who really enjoy participating in the fundraisers and/or may not have the means to just give money. So it's good that there is an option.

AND - if anyone needs some popcorn or a christmas wreath - PM ME! ;)
 
I agree w/Dela, I really think employers should have a policy against this.

But of course my employer does not. And like Cathy, I have a policy that I don't give at work (only 2 boxes of girl scout cookies a year from a coworker who's a close friend, but it's mostly b/c I WANT THOSE COOKIES! :D).

Whenever asked, my response is "thanks for thinking of me, but I already donate to charities from home."
 
I always thought the purpose of fund-raising (in addition to the actual rasing of $$$) was to teach the students customer service skills, money handling, organization, etc. Doesn't it let the students off easy if the parents are setting up shop in the work place?

debbie
 
fitdeb said:
I always thought the purpose of fund-raising (in addition to the actual rasing of $$$) was to teach the students customer service skills, money handling, organization, etc. Doesn't it let the students off easy if the parents are setting up shop in the work place?

debbie
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I think that's what it should be, but when it comes to money, it's always about the bottom line. I remember when I was a kid, my Dad would never go sell cookies for me at his office for Girl Scouts, I actually went door to door. He was not trying to teach me any life lessons, he just would not do something like that, very buttoned up kind of guy.:rolleyes:
 
I don't know if that's the purpose anymore, Debbie. The materials that I have seen come home with my children (from school) have even suggested parents take the forms to work. I didn't get a sense anywhere that the fundraising businesses were trying to teach kids anything. The magazine drives are the worst - they have reps at the school getting the kids all excited about prizes and drawings. They scam the kids and the schools let them (IMO)

I will say that for the boy scouts, the local troop talks a lot about good customer service and responsibility for your orders, raising your funds for camping so your parents don't have to pay for you, etc.

So I guess they aren't all the same.
 
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GraceNote:

I think we can safely conclude that in this case the poster's friend definitely has more available funds than the poster and that yes, it is in fact, insensitive of her to be asking her co-workers to sponsor her kids.

In general, I bet that most people whose kids go to private schools have more money than the average person whose kid goes to a public school (not including kids who may be at private schools on scholarships). Laws of economics.

I am not real interested in your particular finances and how you may scrimp, save and use coupons. I do the same as you and have to decide whether I can afford to get my daughter a birthday present this year, god knows my husband and I gave up getting each other Xmas and birthday presents years ago due to lack of finances, and yes, both our girls still go to a public school. You scrimp and save and can afford for your kids to go private, I scrimp and save and simply cannot. There is indeed a difference there.

Bottom line: people need to be more sensitive about the possibility that those around them may not be as well of as they are. If you think I am being hostile, which I simply do not see and I agree, you are being sensitive on an issue that was not addressed to you, it would be because I am constantly on the receiving end of the insensitivity of others.

Clare
 
Height of chutzpah

My nephew put his daughter in a private school which just sends out letters asking for money to help pay her tuition - they cut to the chase & expect others to put her through school! I called the school & left a message that told them I thought it was outrageous that they were doing this & the person in charge would not call me back. If you put your child in a private school, it's up to you to come up with the money, not me. I don't feel the least bit guilty for not buying the fund raising stuff!
 
cakebaker said:
My nephew put his daughter in a private school which just sends out letters asking for money to help pay her tuition - they cut to the chase & expect others to put her through school! I called the school & left a message that told them I thought it was outrageous that they were doing this & the person in charge would not call me back. If you put your child in a private school, it's up to you to come up with the money, not me. I don't feel the least bit guilty for not buying the fund raising stuff!
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So wait, did I understand this correctly? The school is asking you and other family members for tuition money??? So does that mean your brother/sister provided a list of names for them to contact? Or do they use the "contact in case of emergency list?!"
 
Wow, Clare. I seem to have hit a bit of a defensive trigger for you. I guess you've been treated badly at some point and this is something that you feel strongly about.

I don't expect you to care about my trials and tribulations - I think everyone has their own crosses to bear. My point was simply that not all private school families are rich, no matter what kind of economics you've studied, and that fund raisers are pretty much across the board, income-wise.

To the topic, I doubt that the co-worker is deliberately trying to hurt anyone's feelings by bringing her kids' fundraisers to work. Maybe she just expects people to choose not to participate if they don't want to? I don't think that's necessarily insensitivity. It doesn't sound like she's forcing anyone to do anything, or holding it against anyone, though maybe there's more to the story than I read?
 
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