The Serial Bully

[Jonezie]

I know you meant no disrespect but when I see this word used so loosely. I for some reason feel offended. I have a son with special needs and a nephew who died when he was 6 but had downs syndrome with retardation. I sometimes think this word is used so often to describe people who are ignorant or moraly inept. One day during a buisness meeting someone was giving a speech and talked about how someone was so stupid he must have ridden the "yellow bus" while he was in school.
With regards to the bullying, . .my husband was severely bullied when he was in highschool and when my son was in pre-school there were kids that were not so nice to him and would do things to him because he would let them get away with it. It is wrong and mean. I hate bullies as much as I hate crazy drivers, traffic, and going to the dentist.
I hope not to start a flame war. I debated saying anything at all. This is only my opinion.

LOL, Janie! No flame war, here! It's just funny because I posted this article (which I cut and pasted straight from a publication discussing adult bullies in the workplace)...as support for another member who voiced her discomfort with the word "stupid" in another thread. She felt like "stupid" was being used too loosely and is, in today's society, too easily confused with mental disabilities to be comfortable. And the response was an overwhelming "You have no sense of humor" or "Lighten up!".

I'd like to say to you...point well taken. It's not something people take lightly. "Retarded" (even in the sense the author seemed to mean it) has become an ugly word that used to mean something but is now VERY offensive to a lot of people. I can't help but think of the word "handicapped"...a word lots of people say often and lightly but one my ex-boyfriend (who was wheelchair bound) hated and was very offended by...he preferred physically disabled.

So...I COMPLETELY understand your objection to that word, by ANY definition. And the fact that it is being used in a professional manual, instead of saying "emotionally stunted" or something like that, is proof of how unaware we all are of our words and how they might affect others.

I'm so glad you posted. It made me, and I'm sure several of us, very aware of how even the most innocent statements can be painful to others. Thanks, friend!

Jonezie

 

[Jonezie]

I think I'm the only person who likes going to the dentist. All of my friends/family think I'm weird but it's been this way since I was little. Maybe it's the innate sadomasichist in me

Melissa...I love going to the dentist, too! And having my teeth cleaned. I go every 3 months. We need to get together for girlie alcoholic beverages sometime, swap dentist stories, and vent in person about this co-worker of yours. Jonezie

 

[janie1234]

LOL, Janie! No flame war, here! It's just funny because I posted this article (which I cut and pasted straight from a publication discussing adult bullies in the workplace)...as support for another member who voiced her discomfort with the word "stupid" in another thread. She felt like "stupid" was being used too loosely and is, in today's society, too easily confused with mental disabilities to be comfortable. And the response was an overwhelming "You have no sense of humor" or "Lighten up!".

I'd like to say to you...point well taken. It's not something people take lightly. "Retarded" (even in the sense the author seemed to mean it) has become an ugly word that used to mean something but is now VERY offensive to a lot of people. I can't help but think of the word "handicapped"...a word lots of people say often and lightly but one my ex-boyfriend (who was wheelchair bound) hated and was very offended by...he preferred physically disabled.

So...I COMPLETELY understand your objection to that word, by ANY definition. And the fact that it is being used in a professional manual, instead of saying "emotionally stunted" or something like that, is proof of how unaware we all are of our words and how they might affect others.

I'm so glad you posted. It made me, and I'm sure several of us, very aware of how even the most innocent statements can be painful to others. Thanks, friend!

Jonezie

Thanks Jonezie, . . I just about cried reading this. I've always enjoyed your posts and I was worried mostly about what you would think. I really respect you and your opinion.
I was ripped to pieces in 2002 on this forum by someone who told me not only to "get a life" but well a lot of other really mean and hurtful things. I left for a few months and I'm glad I came back because there are a lot of really great people here. We all agree with different things. I get that and I respect that. I've learned so much from people here. I know that sometimes it can get heated in here. I think that it can happen easily because we are reading each other posts and we don't hear inflection or intonation in our voices so it is hard to distinguish sarcasm or playfulness. Well, anyhow thanks for posting this. It seems like a lot of us have had experience with bullying one way or another. Sending you hugs.

 

[janie1234]

Janie, no no no! Don't climb into anything - I'm sorry, I didn't meant to hurt your feelings!! I was just trying to explain that it's not, itself, an insulting word. It can be a clinical diagnosis. Despite my smilie, I really did date (and almost married) a man who had real problems that stemmed from his childhood and prevented him from maturing normally. He was, emotionally, a boy trapped in a man's body - his emotional growth was retarded by the events of his childhood, so said his therapist.

I think the idea from the original post is that adult bullies may have the same problem - they're 'stuck' at a non-adult emotional maturity level, and that might be apparant in other aspects of their life. It makes sense - adults who are caught up in bullying behavior are probably having issues in other parts of their life, too.

Grace don't even stress girl! You so did not hurt my feelings. Your post was very tactful and informative. Thanks so much!

 

[Jonezie]

I haven't got to read thru this whole thread yet but did read the first post. Sadly you've described my DH almost completely!! maybe a few he doesn't strait out LIE alot but evades things and twists things around all the time. He's always right and all knowing. I can never seem to have a real conversation with him. he does sometimes act very childish when I try to talk to him. Hes mr sweet and awsome around others- only gets bullyish and stuff in private or around family. both my side of the fam and his has seen it but not friends etc. So I really can't talk about it to anyone. not his fam cause hes their family..... not mine cause I don't want to divorce over it and they will turn on him (has happened before... and not friends cause they don't see it. sigh. well he does have good qualities but I've been married 9 years now and its always been a struggle. the worst part is when he gets like that with my oldest son who isn't his biologically. he seems to do it much less with my younger son who is his. sigh! what do I do about it??

Dearest Jess...WOW. I don't know what to say exactly. So can I ask a few questions?

There is obviously a reason (or several reasons) you stay. Do the good things about him outweigh the bad? Do you feel like divorce is just not an option? It sounds unbearable from what you've described, especially if it's been a struggle the whole time.

What about therapy? I don't know about the other Cathletes here but I cannot say ENOUGH about the benefits of short term therapy. And I'm not talking about marriage therapy. I'm talking about you, one on one with someone you can connect with and talk to and get to the root of why you feel staying in a difficult marriage is the best you can do. In individual therapy, you can say ANYTHING you want and need to say and not worry about censoring yourself. There are a lot of places that offer therapy with highly trained therapists on a sliding scale fee if your insurance doesn't cover it and you don't feel justified in the expense.

How is your son taking it? Your oldest (well, both, actually)? It's been said that the nicest thing you can do for your children is love their mother. I can understand why. Everyone is different...and I know no two people are going to react the same to a situation. But I can say, as a child who endured a horrific three years with a stepfather (from the ages of 12-15) who bullied and terrorized both my mom and I mentally and physically, that is was devastating for me. And something that forever changed my feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. It has taken working with a therapist (off on on) to rise above it...but I have seen some wonderful personal triumphs as a result.

I applaud your courage for posting. And I am confident you will get a lot of support from your fellow Cathletes. I look forward to talking more.

Warmest,
Jonezie

 

[Beanie]

They got the bully mentality at work and I am at the end of my rope.

 

[evilgrin]

Jonezie and Jess,
I hope you don't mind a few lines from an outsider.
Jess - Is just trying to get along with him as best as you can the way you want to live your life? Not to mention the lives of your sons? Love, as Life, should be done to the hilt and enjoyed to the max! The one that claims to love you should not be the constant source of fear. If all there is is tolerance and "getting along", then (personally) I see that if he is unwilling to accompany you to therapy or go to therapy himself, then you need to do what is right and correct for you and your sons. I had a best friend that had a very secretively emotionally abusive husband that eventually turned physically abusive and she is now dead. He is in jail and their children are in foster care. If you feel scared/threatened - call the police, leave, find a safehouse - do something that will get you (and your kids) out of his line of fire.

Sorry for the intrusion. This one hit home for me.
Reese

 

[Jonezie]

Jonezie and Jess,
I hope you don't mind a few lines from an outsider.
Jess - Is just trying to get along with him as best as you can the way you want to live your life? Not to mention the lives of your sons? Love, as Life, should be done to the hilt and enjoyed to the max! The one that claims to love you should not be the constant source of fear. If all there is is tolerance and "getting along", then (personally) I see that if he is unwilling to accompany you to therapy or go to therapy himself, then you need to do what is right and correct for you and your sons. I had a best friend that had a very secretively emotionally abusive husband that eventually turned physically abusive and she is now dead. He is in jail and their children are in foster care. If you feel scared/threatened - call the police, leave, find a safehouse - do something that will get you (and your kids) out of his line of fire.

Sorry for the intrusion. This one hit home for me.
Reese

Reese...you are NEVER an outsider! Thanks for the post. I wonder how many people think that they are going crazy or that it's their fault because the person who bullies them only does it to them, while appearing to the rest of society as a one-in-a-million kind of person. I'm so sorry to hear about your best friend. Did you see warning signs? Did your friend think she was crazy because no one else saw his abusive behavior?

Jonezie

 

[Jonezie]

Jonezie -it goes in phases. its not to where I can't bear it. its becoming more rare with my son. he does try to be a good father... more so than being a good husband I'd say. I feel like we tolerate each other. I try to get along with him the best I can. I guess I don't want to rip up the family and I KNOW that if we did divorce it would be very bad. Its more like that is his personality. I really don't think he sees how much he does this stuff. He also does have other possitive traits. I just get really mad at him sometimes like yesterday was a frustrating day. sigh. I will look at counceling. I wouldn't doubt marriage counseling would help though also.

Jess...the truth is, no one can know your relationship but you. It's always easy for people, me included, to say what they would and wouldn't do or would and wouldn't tolerate, but it's never that simple when you are emotionally attached to someone. I completely understand that. But I do hope, whether you stay with your husband the rest of your life or leave tomorrow, that you realize a life that you can "bear" is quite different from a life that you can celebrate and look forward to every day. The mere fact that you are on a forum shared by women who want to rise to their best lives is proof that you want that, too. I genuinely wish you and your family all the best...and am always here to visit.

Jonezie

 

[intensityjunkie]

I am not scared of him. hes never been physically abusive. he is only to the point of being very annoying. I am not in a dire situation. most of the time I've very happy with my kids. we do not argue in front of the kids. the kids are very happy and loved by both of us. I guess being online I can't really share how it is exactly but I guess you guys imagine it worse than it is. I think its more of his personality in that he likes to always be right, the way he communicates is frustrating and annoying. but he actually is a good person. so I guess when I was mad at him the other day it sounded just like him but I think you all are thinking much worse. sigh. sorry

 

[Jonezie]

I am not scared of him. hes never been physically abusive. he is only to the point of being very annoying. I am not in a dire situation. most of the time I've very happy with my kids. we do not argue in front of the kids. the kids are very happy and loved by both of us. I guess being online I can't really share how it is exactly but I guess you guys imagine it worse than it is. I think its more of his personality in that he likes to always be right, the way he communicates is frustrating and annoying. but he actually is a good person. so I guess when I was mad at him the other day it sounded just like him but I think you all are thinking much worse. sigh. sorry

Jess...no worries...I knew just what you meant. Once you came back with the second post. Don't fret. I understand it was momentary frustration and nothing more. I still wish you, your husband and your sons all the best!

Jonezie

PS...LOVE your Avatar!

 

[punkydoodah]

You are a bunch of very neat ladies...

...thanks for letting me read and lurk.

So good to know there are tactful, sweet, and "careful" friends online.

Blessings to you all.

 

[Jonezie]

...thanks for letting me read and lurk.

So good to know there are tactful, sweet, and "careful" friends online.

Blessings to you all.

Jennifer...right back at 'ya! Blessings to you, as well.

Jonezie