the other woman

chefkate

chefkate

Cathlete
For those of you whose husbands have a secretary...

I am having such a hard time with this!

We are basically self-employed. Dh runs his dad's business and his dad doesn't have much to do with it anymore. I used to be a *powerhouse* in the office and totally ran all the paperwork end of things and managed every little bit. I quit for a few years to be home with my babies. Circumstances were that I needed to come back to get things straightened around. Things are mostly back on track but I am so busy raising kids and now pregnant with our 3rd. I am truly happiest when I don't have to juggle it all so I hired a secretary for my husband and she is doing a WONDERFUL job! I am really looking forward to quitting so I can spend the summer with my girls before the baby comes. I will maintain doing payroll so I'll have about 3 hours a weeks as there are tons of reports to do for the government work we are doing.

But it is so hard having another woman around my husband all day. I am not a jealous type at all and I know Dh loves me and is faithful to me. But I hate that she is knowing more about OUR business than I do right now and its only going to get worse as I step further back, which is rapidly happening. One of Dh's meetings got cancelled this week and I didn't know until she told me. For soem reason it totally rubbed me wrong.

I feel like this is all probably pretty small and I am likely just very hormonal being pregnant. "Losing control" in the office is so hard for me. I know when I didn't have kids I could've worked circles around anybody in the office but now, to be totally honest, my kids come first. To be with them in the daytime I stay up until midnight working but it makes me so grumpy and angry to have to juggle everything. I love the work, but I love being a mom more. I know we need a secretary, but.... oh, I don't like it!!

Sooooo.... does anyone else have personal issues with a husband's secretary? Please tell me I'm not alone in this!
 
Hi Kate!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. something like dealing with another woman is hard, especially dealing with it in your condition. I never had to deal with a secretary but i have dealt with something similar with my husband's assistant at his old job. I was honest with him and told him how i felt about her. i won't lie, i was feeling insecure. :) After i spoke to him i felt better. And i felt even better when he hired a man to replace her. :D

I truly do sympathize, and i hope things become easier for you. But If you trust your husband is faithful, you have nothing to worry about. ;)

Keep your head up.
 
Hi Kate,

Just wanted to say that you're not alone in being upset by things like this. I've gotten jealous of women that DH has worked with in the past, but, like Tricie said, sometimes just letting DH know about the situation can take that stress off. Sometimes we just need to be told (again and again!) that we come first!:)
 
Tricie & Leann, Thanks for your replies and words of encouragement. I talked to Dh for a long time last night about it and he was more than understanding. He knows that I love my job and we do love working together so it makes it hard to lose that aspect of our relationship.

In the last 6 years the time I was *truly happy* was when I was just a mom and not working at all. I am looking forward to that time again, it's just the transition of stepping out of the office is hard. I'm sure 6 months from now I'm going to go "I am SO GLAD I'm not working anymore!"

Funny thing about the secretary is that she is doing such a marvellous job! She has great ideas and is doing awesome. She fits right in and is more than willing and perfectly able to do the job. I feel so guilty for feeling this way! She is a great person and it has nothing to do with her personally - I really think I would feel this way about anybody right now.

Thanks so much - I needed everything you guys said!

Tricie, LOL on feeling better when DH had a male working for him!! Oh how I wish I could've found a guy for DH!:7
 
Lol! I really did feel better though.
But you know, just becuz you're gonna be a mom again, doesnt mean you can't make your presence known in the office. Drop in every once in a while and go to lunch; you him & the kids

I've found that spontaneity in a marriage keeps things fresh and fun and no matter how hot the secretary is, :) he won't even think about looking elsewhere because he's happy in his relationship with you.
I think you're going to be just fine. All the best. ;)
 
Kate,

I think you might even have had problems with a man -- to me it sounds more like you're having a hard time letting go with the responsibilities of the job -- even though you really enjoy being a mom (sometimes in theory it's fun to be able to do it all!). I understand why you want to hold onto the payroll piece which may have some sensitive issues with it, but I'm wondering if you'd be happier if you were able to let go of it all and be mom full-time again. In any case, I think this will get easier as the transition progresses. Hang on, and keep talking to DH about your feelings as you have. It'll be fine, I'm sure. You are so lucky to have found someone competent to fill your shoes at work!

-Beth
 
In my hormonal state you gals have me near tears! 10 minutes after I posted this I came back to delete it but there were the 2 responses and I am so touched at what each one has said! thank you so much!

Tricie, My presence will definetly still be known! The bonus is is that the office is actually the lower level of my in-laws' house so there can be lots of visits to see grandma and grandpa!

Beth, You're exactly right about there would be issues with a man too. I may end up wanting to give up payroll but at least until the baby comes I'm going to keep it up. She has plenty to learn without adding all of that on to her. I probably will give it up in October, maybe even in Spetember so that when DDs are in school it will be one less thing to deal with.
 
It's really not a matter of trusting my husband. I totally trust him and she seems to be in a happy marriage too. It's just so foreign to me to have someone else in knowing the ins and outs of our business, particularly of my husband's day. But I know she is helping him and helping our business so I *try* to not let it get to me. Proabably wouldn't bother me so much if my hormones weren't doubling every 48 hours!!!:+
 
Sounds to me like it has zero to do with jealousy; it's simply that you love your office profession and are having a hard time handing it over. At my old job, which I didn't even enjoy, I still hated when I went on vacation and had to hand my work over for the week.
Sounds to me like you are one wonderful mom, wife, and hard worker, and this is a transition that you have to get through.

You are smart to think of your kids first and give your "other baby" to another person for awhile. You can always have it back later.

Lisa
 
Hi Kate,

I agree with Lisa - this is not about trust. You are a wonderful woman, mother, wife and friend! It sounds like you're having a little difficulty letting go. Everything will work out and you will be missed at your business.

A friend in fitness,
Shirl
 
Is she good looking? You should have hired someone with warts on her nose...just kidding sweetie!

I would have gone beserk in the past. I have terrible trust issues that have grown much better over time, and now my own DH works mostly with women, and I have no problem with it. Attractive or not attractive. I still get twinges every now and then, but that is only natural, but it sounds like you and DH have a wonderful thing going on, and another baby on the way!:7 Its good you talked to him about it, that is a sure sign of a mature, loving marriage.
 
thanks for the laugh, Tneah! She's a pretty girl but I'm a hot Cathlete!!}( :+

We just got done talking about it some more. He totally understands where I'm coming from - that it is nothing against her personally but rather my own issues of letting go a big part of my identity and knowledge of the day-to-day happenings in our company. He is an awesome husband - I truly couldn't ask for better. I'm such a control freak and I hate to let go of this but I know for my own sanity and for the sake of my kids I am making the right choice. I reassure myself that as this baby goes to school I will get back into the office work. But for now I get to be the boss's wife and that is NOT a bad position to be in!:)
 
I can totally understand why you feel this way -- about having someone else with their hands all over "your work" and about another woman knowing the ins and outs of your husband's day.

I agree with an above poster who said that it is hard to leave and go on vacation for a week and know that others in your office will be covering for you and doing your work. I can certainly understand that you would feel the same way.

Mike loves you and trusts you -- SO MUCH so that he not only picked you to be his business partner, but the mother of his children too!! You KNOW in your heart that you will be a much happier mother and wife when you can let this part of it go (at least mostly, anyway...). But no one expects it to be easy...

(((HUGS)))
 
I was a secretary for 18 years and, at first, didn't know how to feel about this. However, if the business is in your in-laws' house I SERIOUSLY doubt you have anything to fear. Nothing like having Mom and Dad around to kill the sexy vibe. I believe strongly that the workplace is no place to look for romance. It always falls apart and, when it does, it's a mess (judging by what I've seen...).
 
I was fired because my bosses wife was very insecure with herself. The job was perfect for me because it was part time and close to the house. The sad thing is I am not a beautiful woman in the sense of beauty and I didn't think I was a threat to her. It really sucks. And I still haven't found a job yet.


Annette Bethel
 
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