Teenagers!!

[buckeyegirl]

Why can't our kids just morph from 12 to 21? My 13 1/2 year old is giving me some fits. I have two boys, 11 and 13. For the most part, they are good people. Do well in school, hang with good kids, etc.

My 13 year old, however, royally pissed me off last night. He usually goes to a skating rink with his buddies on Fri. nights. Well, my 11 year old was invited to go with some of his friends. I wish I could say that they get along well enough to both attend, but the 13 year old is relentless with the teasing and ridiculing of the 11 year old, so I decided that only one could go - the 11 year old. Maybe we can alternate Fri. nights? One go Fri and one go Sat?

Well, this totally set off the 13 year old. He said "I'm going...Evan's not going to ruin this for me". I told him no and so did DH. So...I drive the 11 year old to the rink. Return home...no 13 year old. Asked DH where he was - he said he thought I took him.

As it turns out, after I left, he called a friend to pick him up and he went anyway. All under DH's radar (not as sensitive a radar as mine obviously - geez!) It was dark out, DH thought I'd caved and decided to take him. So, I texted him and asked him where he is. He replies "I'm at home in bed and am tired...turning off my phone..bye". Um, how stupid does he think we are?
So, he goes anyway and then decides to lie to us.

I know this may seem pretty minor, but I'm so upset - feel betrayed and lied to. SO, out the door goes the Xbox, called Verizon and had texting immediately taken off, and grounded from skating for one month.

I plan on calming down and having a rational discussion - how extremely disappointed I am, feel betrayed, and have zero trust in him that HE has to rebuild to get those priviledges back.

Truly what is the best way to handle teenagers? I try to put myself in his shoes when I was a teen. I know we all get defiant and rebellious and, yes, shade the truth sometimes. My initial instinct is to yell and scream and cry and tell him how pissed off I am and ground him. Does this just push them away more? He needs to know his boundaries, because he stepped WAY over them last night.

I need a drink
Heidi

 

[jgarr44460]

I have raised three sons (now 24, 23, and 19) and I'll share what seemed to work for us.
First, I grew up in a house full of yelling and that never worked for me. We just tuned my Mom out until she ran out of steam. It never stopped us from doing anything.
With my sons I never screamed because I vividly remember what that was like and I did not want them to remember me for that. Personally, and not always successfully, I tried not to react to a situation that could be handled later, after I had time to calm down and process. I didn't want my sons to see how their behavior upset me emotionally and be able to use that in the future. What mattered more to them was my telling them how utterly disappointed I was in their behavior (not them) and that everything they did had consequenses good or bad. I tried to keep the consequence related to the event and not something I thought would just upset them. For example, if they broke trust, yes they would have to earn that back - maybe with earlier curfews for a while. If they racked up a text bill - they worked to pay it off. If they got a speeding ticket, again, they worked to pay it off and paid for any increase to their insurance. I always told them I did not pay for stupidity. I can't say they always liked me at the time but I was their parent - they didn't have to like me. This may sound harsh to some but I have three wonderful adult sons and although they have moved out keep in touch with me regularly. I can't say I did the same with my mother. Life was not perfect believe me, they tested the limits as all teens do. Hang in there - there is a light at the end of the teen years.

 

[bundschuh]

buckeyegirl, I totally sympathize with you on this one. I had a run in with my 13 year old boy yesterday as well.

My 13 year old is very lazy and we have been having problems with him not handing in work at school. I received a call one week ago from his health teacher about not handing in work. R worked all last weekend to get his work done and handed in on Monday.

Yesterday, my husband got the phone call from son's English teacher saying he had not handed in his work and was rather "cranky" in school today. (God, I hate puberty). R was to have stayed at a friend's house last night. I called the school and had son paged to the office so I could speak to him (think Harry Potter when Ron gets' the messages from his mother!!!).

R did get on the bus to get home, my husband took all the electronics away from him and sent him to his bedroom, we are contemplating no socialization until end of November.

We also have an 18 year old who came through the other side just fine, but we had horrible issues with him when he was 15. Like I said to my husband, I do not want a repeat of the older son's teenage years.

Above all, do not take it personally, he is not doing this to you, he is doing everything to himself. Quite frankly, I don't think some 13 year old boys even think about the consequences, they think about the moment of fun they are going to have.

My plan of attack over the next month:
1. No x box
2. No tv
3. No contact with friends outside of school
4. Chores, chores and more chores
5. I will be obtaining a list of everything that is due from school and when, R will need to do his homework at my desk so I can supervise and I will sign off on everything (this is the thing that will make him the most angry, like I said he is lazy, but I have to keep remembering his laziness is not a reflection on me)