Teenager question

[buckeyegirl]

Hypothetical question:

If you found out your 15 year old son was smoking pot, how would you proceed with punishment/discussion? Let's just say you found, oh, a small pipe in his bedroom....

 

[jgarr44460]

Well hypothetically, if I found a small pipe in my 17 year old sons car trunk I would sit him down and explain the obvious health hazards and legal problems he would have had say an officer found it first. Then I would explain that I expected to never find this again on our property because of the problems he would have with his parents should he want to continue to have the privilege of living here. (He's 24 now and turned out fine)
I wish you luck.

 

[RapidBreath]

He is old enough to hear the truth. Pot is a gate way drug. He won't do well in prison, he is young and probably not up to defending himself(males are routinely raped in jail/prison). Pot does have lasting deleterious effects on the brain. This is why its a controlled substance.

I don't know what the right punishment should be. I do think that he needs to be enrolled in martial arts training and that his trainer (sensei?) could be of some help. My cousin went through this and it nearly killed him (weird, but true.) and it was his martial arts trainer that whipped my cousin into shape. Now, my cousin is a successful former aeronautics mechanic (Air force.) and he and his wife just had their first baby boy (looks just like Daddy!). So, don't despair, sometimes they mess up in their teens and go on to be successful members of society.

I hope that helps.

Alisha

 

[MidgetDogg]

This is a question that I've been thinking about since my daughter was born - how will I handle it? The trouble is, her father smokes pot, and I have myself - but not for years. While it can be a gateway drug, it isn't always. Many people smoke pot and never try anything harsher (myself included, even though I had plenty of free access to it in college).

Martial Arts isn't a bad suggestion, I know a few people who have changed the course of their lives by developing a passion for it. My boyfriend falls into this category. He was hanging with the wrong crowd when he was in his teens (2 of his friends have since died due to drugs and suicide). He's a gifted martial artist and has an unbelievable amount of respect for his Grand Master. But on the other hand, I know some of the students at the dojang that do smoke pot. Nice kids, but they're still finding out.

I like JGarr's suggestion. I don't know if I'd punish... this time. Just lay out the facts and your expectations. If he knows you know, and that you care.... it makes a difference.

 

[NY25]

Discussion. Pot is NOT heroin or cocaine or meth or any of the other things you should be worried about. It's no more a gateway drug that alcohol or tobacco - both drugs (by definition), both legal and both can be lethal. So, I'd have the conversation about it with him, tell him you never expect to find paraphernalia in the house again and that you hope he makes the right choices. Let him know where you stand - if he gets busted, you won't bail him out, remind him it is still illegal. Most kids are not "pot-heads," they're experimenting, just like they do with the alcohol you buy at the local store, and with sex. Make sure you figure out where he is on that scale. Treat him like an adult - don't scream and rant. This is a great opportunity to see where he will go as far as making good choices as an adult. (college isn't too far away). Don't panic. Not defending it - but there a thousands of grown adults who occassionally indulge and do just fine in their lives (again, it is presently illegal, so I am not condoning it). Have an adult conversation and give him an opportunity to speak, be heard and to then act like an adult himself. Don't go hard-core until there is evidence you actually need to.

 

[ricklyk1]

I can't offer much advice on the punishment/discussion inquiry considering i'm only 26 with no kids, but I can tell you this about myself. I was a rather wild teenager who experimented with a variety of substances, including marijuana. Despite coming from a fantastic home, my involvement resulted from the kids I hung around with at the time. It is really dang hard just to "say no," especially when you are 15. Not getting grounded or yelled at by my parents stopped from engaging in such activities. Ultimately what broke me of the habit was getting away from the friends who I hung around with at the time (and it was still a long process - more mentally than anything).

I guess the moral of my story is NOT to give up hope. Kids, especially teenagers, are going to experiment. I know some of what I used to do was really bad but I 100% think it helped make me the person I am today (not that it made what I did right...but you get the point). I eventually turned out fine. I agree with previous posters that discussion is the best idea at this point. Give him the facts. Tell him what it can do to his body, mentally and physically. I think explaining the legal side effects my help instill a healthy dose of fear. It may be fun and games now but if he gets caught with a pipe after he turns 18 it may result in a criminal record which will haunt him for the rest of his life (I see it every single day in my profession). Also, considering taking him to drug court (if you that have that where you live) or down to the local jail and show him around (you don't have to tell the sheriff why you are there - just say you are "teaching a lesson"). I would also recommend keeping a close eye on him just to make sure the situation doesn't get worse. Sorry for the long post. HTH!

 

[lulu68]

I have never done drugs, smoke, or drink. If I found out any of my 5 boy's smoke pot, they would totally loose my trust and I would watch there every move and would have some saying on who they could hang out with. That's one of the reasons we keep are boy's very busy in club soccer, they run in a very tight schedule. We do not allow my 16 year old to do or leave when ever he pleases. Our kids are 16, 13, 11, 11, 6, and 5 month old and we are always together on the weekends attending there soccer games.

 

[buckeyegirl]

Thanks so much, everyone. Really good advice, and that's kind of the path DH and I have taken. You see, we both smoked pot - me more than him and a LOT in high school. I drank and smoked pot but never anything more. I had zero guidance as a teen - my mother was more "my friend" and allowed me to do whatever I wanted. While at the time it seemed really cool, I reflect on that time and wish I would have had some more rules. I had two teachers in high school who pulled me aside and pretty much told me "you have so much potential, don't choose the wrong path" and I wish I could see them today to thank them for that. At the time it felt like I was above it, an immortal teen who knew everything. In retrospect, it could've been my saving grace. So, I broke down and told my teen this. I wanted him to know that I, too, am human but it was the wrong choice for me and I hope he decides that as well. Yes, we did discuss the obvious legalities as well.

I think it went ok. This teenager stuff is so new for me. I know I did it, but why does it feel so different when your own teen does it? Do as I say, not as I did?

I want to keep the communication lines open - find the gray area between confidant and parent. Not be too permissive or too strict.

This is the biggest challenge I've met yet as a parent. Whatever happened to my little boy who would just get in trouble for talking in class or teasing his little brother? Oy.

Thanks SO much for all your replies and suggestions. It helps more than you realize.

 

[MidgetDogg]

I think you handled it well. My parents weren't my "friends", but we never discussed drugs, alcohol or sex. I sort of had to figure out the person I wanted to be on my own. I was jealous of the kids whose parents gave a little more guidance.

My daughter and I have a good relationship, and while we joke around a lot and I allow a certain amount of casual irreverence, she knows that I am not her friend. I'm better than that - I'm her mom.

 

[BeachGirl4ever]

teenagers

I have no answers but tons of sympathy. I am currently going through the same thing with my 15 yr old daughter. Last year she was caught at school with pot so she was charged. She had earlier that year experiemented with adderol. Over the summer she was lying to me alot about where she was and sleeping over at guys houses. She is now on probation, and within 2 days of that had been caught drinking beer. Her review court hearing is this friday and there's a good chance she'll be headed to juvie for a while. Never in a million years would I have guessed I would have a child with these kind of problems. My 17 yr old son is a model child. Smart, politically active, Straight Edge (no smoking, no drugs, no alcohol), really got his head on straight. Myd aughter is sthe exact opposite. Failing half her classes, no ambition other than to be a bartender and party her life away.
I agree with the poster that said it was alot of the friends they choose to hang around. We've really cut back on alot of kids she's allowed to be with. Its a day to day stress around here and mostly life sucks because of it. One day I hope she wakes up and realizes she's made some bad choices and turns her life around. At this point my only goal is to keep her out of juvie and get her graduated. After that I'm afraid she'll be on her own and it very much concerns me. Some people have to make their own choices though an dyou hope they have at least have the foundation to come back around one day. I feel deep down she's still a very good girl and will find the right path one day.

Good luck!