Teenager help!

buckeyegirl

buckeyegirl

Cathlete
I need some advice with my 13 year old DS. First of all, let me say that DH and I had fairly liberal upbringings so we haven't been the strictest of parents. We have a good relationship with our boys, but have been pretty lenient with them.

Here's the issue -- I've pretty much let DS have free reign with his cell phone and going out with friends on weekends and such. He's 13, we've raised him to make good choices,etc. I've talked to him several times about the dangers of "sexting" and especially forwarding pics of inappropriate things. I really try to give him his privacy so he doesn't feel like I'm constantly hanging over his shoulder and being monitered. Well, last night, I looked at his texts and found one he sent to a friend of a topless girl. She looked too old to be in middle school so I think it was one that was forwarded to him, etc. I felt like I wanted to throw up. Then I found a text he received from a friend that he plays Xbox live with that was cussing a LOT (inc. the word c*ck sucker...sorry)...

I don't want to now be that "strict mom" but feel like my confidence in him has been betrayed - my tendency is to take phone and xbox away for a month. I am so pissed.

I know I may get opinions about cell phones and teens - I'm really looking for help since I'm fairly new to this teen stuff.

Thanks,
Heidi
 
I wish I could offer some advice other than to communicate with him and ask if he thinks those texts are appropriate. My girls are 3 and 7 and not a day goes by that I don't worry how I am going to handle the teenage years. I am also good friends with the parents of my daughters' close friends. We cross check versions of any incidents at school and compare notes on how we respond. It is a constant learning process.
 
My advise is not to be so liberal. It will only cause trouble in the teen years. Being a teenager in this day and age is tough and there are a lot of bad choices for them out there. You might take his texting ability away for awhile as a lesson.(I know how tough teens can be, I have a almost 21 year old and an almost 16 year old, boy and girl).
 
Heidi,

Mine may not be the popular recommendation but here it goes. I would take the phone away...point blank. Maybe at some point he may earn it back. Like you stated you have discussed this issue with him before.
I also have a 13 yr old boy (as well as a 15 yr old). When we got the phones I put a block on them for no texting - we don't have it in our plan so I did not want extra charges. That may be another option actually for you. Simply tell him he lost his texting & block it. I do understand for th ekids to have a cel phone especially when they are invovled in after school activities.
Over the weekend we rented something Zohan with Adam Sandler. I did see it was pg 13 but we watche dit together. We turned it off partway through the movie - what a bunch of garbage. I said to my 13 DS - Do you think we should be watching this & he said NO. Even as an adult I don't want to see that garbage!
I think you can get your point across w/o becoming the "strict" parent. But sometimes thatis what's called for.

Good luck & glad to hear your surgery went well!!
Goodl uck with the race also.
 
Here's how I feel (fyi, i dont have kids, I'm 25 so the teen years aren't THAT far behind me)

You trusted your kid and he broke the trust (as kids are goign to do). So punish him. Take away or limit the phone or Xbox or whatever it is. Personally I dont think kids needs unlimited cell phone use anyhow( but thats just a personal opinion. I had a prepaid cell phone my senior year) And my parents were never that strict and allowed us some freedoms but please believe my mom would not have hesitated to go through my phone (or equivalent). To paraphrase my mother "he's the child, you're the adult. Plus, he don't pay a bill the first"

I don't think you have to be strict or uptight on everything. but you do have to set boundaries and rules and there should be no doubt in there teenage minds that you mean it.
 
Heidi,

I have a 13 year old daughter and she is a good kid but as teenagers LOL....they will push the limits to see how much they can get away with. I would definitely take the phone away and have him do something to earn it back. They have to learn that there action have reaction good and bad!! My opinion and if it was me I would talk to him and take the phone away and let him know what he needs to do to EARN your trust back as well as the phone.

Good luck....the teenager years are just beginning ;) and I understand.

Therese
 
ITA with the others - take the phone away. I like the idea of making him earn it back in some way. But this should not be a surprise to him, particularly since you've already had this discussion.

As far as the content goes...
While inappropriate, he's a 13 yr old boy that's starting to deal with his own sexuality issues. Might be a time for a different kind of discussion, as he's starting to explore it more? Same thing with the friend's language? I know I had a horrible potty mouth as a kid, because I thought it was cool (when I was that age). I guess as long as it seems "harmless" - not dangerous, or racist, offensive to a specific group, etc... - maybe just give him a talking to?

I guess I fall into the category of "they're gonna do it anyway". Not at all an excuse to ignore things or blow them off, but just a chance to have another talk with him.
 
i think you need to speak to him about what you discovered and there need to be a consequence (take phone away or block text).

I always say, you give a kids a step and they take 2, give them a mile, they take 2 miles.

Even though my kids do have a good about of freedom, I am right there behind them.. always listening, being observant and picking up clues. It is really important to keep them on track. If you don't know what is going on, when they do get off track (Which they will), how will you direct them back on track.

I am glad that you discovered this now.
 
Heidi

I did not read everyones advice but here in Michigan there was a case where a girl (9th grade) sent a nude photo of herself. It eventually got around to many students. The school found out about it and involved the police. The biggest concern for the police was that this is considered child pornography. Using it and passing it around is against the law. I do not know what happened in this case but kids do not realize the consequenses to all their actions.

good luck
diane
 
Thanks for the advice and replies. Being on the PTO of his middle school, I am well aware that the "sexting" that goes on these days can go bad quickly! Now they are considering it "promoting pornography" - scary stuff. I had discussed that with him prior to this.

I did exactly what everyone on here has said. I calmly sat at the table and told him that he abused my trust in him and that I was disappointed and thought he'd make better choices, but he didn't,so the phone is taken away and no xbox live for a while. When he does get the phone back, there will be no texting (I already called Verizon and got that done) Texting is a luxury, not a necessity. I do like him having the phone merely for communication purposes with me, etc., but the texting is OVER.

I really tried to be calm but direct. I remember as a teen tuning out my parents when they started yelling, and as much as I really wanted to, I was as calm and collected as I could be but made my point VERY clear.

Oy, teenagers...I think my parents are secretly laughing to themselves because I was a rebellious teen. I'm sure they are thinking that "all things come full circle"...:confused:

Thanks everyone,
Heidi
 
buckeyegirl said:
Thanks for the advice and replies. Being on the PTO of his middle school, I am well aware that the "sexting" that goes on these days can go bad quickly! Now they are considering it "promoting pornography" - scary stuff. I had discussed that with him prior to this.

I did exactly what everyone on here has said. I calmly sat at the table and told him that he abused my trust in him and that I was disappointed and thought he'd make better choices, but he didn't,so the phone is taken away and no xbox live for a while. When he does get the phone back, there will be no texting (I already called Verizon and got that done) Texting is a luxury, not a necessity. I do like him having the phone merely for communication purposes with me, etc., but the texting is OVER.

I really tried to be calm but direct. I remember as a teen tuning out my parents when they started yelling, and as much as I really wanted to, I was as calm and collected as I could be but made my point VERY clear.

Oy, teenagers...I think my parents are secretly laughing to themselves because I was a rebellious teen. I'm sure they are thinking that "all things come full circle"...:confused:

Thanks everyone,
Heidi
Click to expand...

Yeah, you done good! I have had to do this with my 17 year old DD, texting was ruling her life. She has a car and this was another concern. I think in the future our kids will look back on this and see that we really did care about them. No one said parenting would be easy. I also have an 18 yr. old DD and a 14 yr. old DS who will not get a cell phone till he's 16, just like his sisters.
 
I recently heard in the news that legal action has been brought against teens that are sexting. Teens have been arrested. You can probably google these stories and maybe you can take the "it's against the law". This is unchartered waters for both you and your son. But it would be terrible for a good kid like yours to get in trouble with the law for something he sees as fun.
 
Thanks, and yes, I did bring up the new "sexting" laws. In fact, we had a case of this in our local HS. Girl takes pic of herself naked and forward to boyfriend who then forwards it to friends and it's networked out from there. The mom was looking into legal action to all the boys who forwarded the pic. Not sure what disciplinary action she took with her daughter who started the whole thing by taking a naked pic of herself...:mad:

So, I did tell him about that when it occurred to try and bring it home with him! He seems to be doing well with all this. I thought I was going to get the "run into his room, slam the door, and yell I hate you" treatment, but it's all been good. And, with no xbox live, I kinda feel like I have my son back :)

Thanks for the advice and replies-
Heidi
 
Here's my 2 cents, I'm sure this will not be popular but here goes. I remember being 13 - everyone I knew cussed. The more adults were against this the more kids would do it. It is a phase and they are just words. I wish kids wouldn't do it too, but most grow out of the need - as a youngster anything adults can do is a curiosity. Sexual curiosity in a 13 year old is completely natural. Again, would be better if they went about dealing with this curiosity in a better way, but childhood is a time to learn how to make better choices - we wouldn't need the guidance of our parents and other adults if we were already good at this.
Please do not make your son feel ashamed or embarrassed of this curiosity. Often times in our culture it is particularly hard for boys to deal with this curiosity in constructive ways as they get so many mixed messages from the media - girls in the last couple of decades have begun to fall prey to this as well...Boys also feel a sense of social pressure to prove to other boys their interest in things sexual. I think even as adults many of us know of men who are not themselves interested in going to strip joints, but go for bachelor parties etc when pressured by other men to save face.
Being a boy is hard. Being 13 is hard. Being interested in things you don't fully understand is hard. Feeling curious about things you don't have access to information about is hard. Deal with this situation with compassion and understanding - your son likely did not mean to betray your confidence but is only trying to find himself, establish a sexual identity, and get along socially in a complicated world. Don't put an adult head on a child's shoulders - help him to understand your point of view while you communicate an honest interest in his.
I hope this helps - I just remember how hard it was to be a kid - and how sad it made me when my parents would misinterpret my actions as "against" them.
--Laura
 
Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Laura, and I agree wholeheartedly. My concerns weren't for his sexual curiosities - my concern was the forwarding on of the pic and the ramifications that could potentially have. My husband- who is very cool, calm and collected - talked with DS that night. He explained that he understands and that as a male he thinks a woman's body is nice to look at as well :) So, he really did NOT make him feel guilty about exploring his sexuality, but that it was an inappropriate expression on the phone/forwarding, etc.

As far as the cussing, we are pretty lax regarding ourselves - I'll say damn or shit but not the f-bomb. I've heard DS say damn and I don't get all bent out of shape. However, on his phone was a text to a girl who harasses him constantly -- it said "get off my f...in' dick, b*tch"....THAT is disgusting and nothing that should come out of a 13 year old's mouth - esp. to a female. That is what I was upset about - and rightfully so. Foul and demeaning.

Things are going well - I'm so thankful DH is good with relating to the boys. He's a wonderful father and role model for those two.

Heidi
 
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