teenage "stay" away

S

Sunshine 1528

Cathlete
Anyone dealt with this one?

My 17 yr old is dating a 25 yr old. DH (not her father) won't allow the BF in the house.

Her answer is to stay away from the house and drop out of school. Won't discuss with me. Blames my DH. Says she cannot come home.

I am devastated. Don't know what to do. She doesn't have any financial way of supporting herself. Think she is living at a friend's house.

What do I do? Legally as far as school? As far as guardianship? (Never mind my mental state since I have been stuck between DH and DD for a few years now)

TIA for any help you can give me.
 
RE: teenage

Hi.

I grew up w/a step-father whom I hated. My mom never let him set the rules w/us kids though. She made the rules-he could enforce them to a point-but that was it. This caused a lot of friction and fights between my mom and her DH over the years. They also got into fights when he would be a total jerk to me for no reason-he had a bad temper and a short fuse. He was not good at dealing with kids at all!

Anywho...I guess my point is that this is your daughter, not your DH's. If you disagree with the rule he has set then you need to put your foot down IMO. I'm not saying that my mom's way of doing things was the right way (though I'm personally glad for how she did it cause I couldn't imagine having to live under his rules!) but I also don't think your DH has the right to make the decision no questions asked. You should be involved.

Decide what you think is best and tell your DH "We've tried it your way. It's not working. Now we are going to try it MY way!" I think if you go to your daughter w/a new set of rules that YOU made, she might be open to listening to them.

JMO, for what it's worth!
Best of luck...situations like that are TOUGH!
 
RE: teenage

Jacque,

So sorry you are dealing with this!! What is the age of consent in your state? If she is underage and they have been physical, he could be arrested. I think because she is under 18 you can get a restraining order on him and ask the police to pick her up as a runaway, if you can locate her.

HTH, though it's kind of lame. Good luck and keep us posted!

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
RE: teenage

Sunshine,

Take care of your daughter! Bring her home when you know where she is at. Both of you sit down and hash it out. If nothing can be solved, then see a professional. If it is at all something happening in your home then you need to do something about that as well. She needs to know you are with her, and you will bend backwards for her. Listen and learn about what she is feeling. Ask yourself why she is acting that way? There must be a reason. My heart is with you. Hold on to her as tight as you can. Most of all, protect her at all costs.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
RE: teenage

Wendy,

I agree with the way you mother raised you and my DH has not been making the rules. He will ask my teens to pick up after themselves but usually asks me to ask them. This is the first instance where I have passed on his wishes.

Is there some point where as a step parent he should be able to decide who is allowed into the home he pays for? I think that is the only reason I passed the restriction on.

Sparrow,

There has been no abuse by DH or by the BF that I know of. The BF is not your "norm" in our town, though not the only young adult who has a mohawk and body piercings in his nose, lips and tongue. Also has a few tatoos. I have a hard time myself getting past it but took it on myself to actually meet him, hang out at coffee a few times and have had conversations with him. He does put up with my DD who is not always very easy. I don't think he is a bad person.
The legal age in our state is 18 and that is where I am not sure what I will be responsible for - do I get in trouble if she doesn't attend school, etc.?

Am thinking about trying to find a counselor tomorrow. Not sure I want the "I told you so" from DH. As much as I love him, I do not always agree with his views. He tends to be very old fashioned (reminds me of both of our fathers) and is not very open to anything that doesn't mirror his opinion.

Wow - what an afternoon :(
 
RE: teenage

Janie,

She is the most stubborn person I have met. When I go to her she won't come with me. She recently had some issues with her work atmosphere where a manager was harassing many of the teenagers. Unfortunately she loves drama and likes to be involved. She has been irresponsible in school, with her bank account (overdrawn by $100's), quit her job, and doesn't know what to do. As much as I talk with her, she is determined to try to figure this out on her own. But she isn't doing a very good job of it.

I think I will call her and try to see if she will go to a counselor. I do believe I need someone outside the family to help also.

I definitely want to hold onto her as I did not have a relationship with my mother due to an older sibiling with many medical issues. When he passed away when I was 10, my parents kind of shut down. My brother and I ended up very independent. At the age of 25, as soon as we started getting close as a family, the dreaded cancer hit and she was whisked away from me - never to meet my children at all. She was a beautiful lady and I always dreamed of being just like her. I did OK until my divorce and my ex was very very nasty. My children and I have never really recuped from that. My current DH doesn't have children so I believe (though he doesn't) he doesn't really understand the parenting thing. Of course, I do think us moms are typically different than the dads too.

I have had a break through with my oldest who had gone to live with his father and wouldn't speak to me for years. He was 21 this summer, I called him to wish him happy bday. Last weekend he called me. Thought all was going to be good and now this.

I will survive - it will just take some time and some perserverence.
 
RE: teenage

Jacque,
Us teens are unpredictabe. One day we love a guy, the next day we wanna find a sledgehammer and you know the next part;-). Its hard, but the only thing you can relaly do and the only thing that really helps is talking. Talking is the key. We will listen (eventually:+)

HTH
~Adri;-)
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RE: teenage

I am so sorry for what you are going through! I can only imagine how painful this can be for you ((((((((((HUGS!))))))))))

A very similar situation happened with me and I can tell you exactly what my mom did when I was 16 and ran away, and I am grateful now for it - she contacted the school and talked to the principal and counsilor to get advice, she called the police and filed a missings persons report and threatened to charge my now DH with stat. rape. She sent the officers to where she thought I was... If you would like more info on my situation, which is very similar to your DD, please email or pm me.
I admire my mom, especially now that I am a mother, for how she handled herself and how she stayed strong through the mess that I put her through. I hated her at the time and I hated her most when she had cops come and pick me up, but I am so grateful for it now because I see that she was willing to do whatever it takes to keep me safe and do what is best for me even if it meant me not speaking to her and loathing her for months/year. My sit was so similar to your DD...

I am curious as to what you feel about your DD hanging out with a 25 yo man... do you feel the same as your DH?

I will keep you in my prayers, I know how hard this is!

ETA that by allowing her to have the choice of what she wants to do including living somewhere else... she is only 17, not an adult, and you are her mother - you are the one who knows what is best for her, not her. She is not mature enough to be able to make adult decisions made obvious by her actions so it is your responsibility to get her back home and not let her have the choice as to where she wants to live and what she wants to do. I can't even imagine where I would have ended up if my mom allowed me to make my own decisions when I was that age... I know it is hard, but you have to be the iron fist. I am so grateful to my mom, I can't even express it enough!

Missy
 
RE: teenage

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Continue to let her know you love and care for her and only want the best for her. Unfortunately the story is all too common. Dd knows a girl who went through something similar. Moved in with boyfriend, got pregnant, had baby, thought she would live happy every after, got dumped and then realized that all the things her family had said weren't so bad after all and started a relationship back up with her family. Let your daughter know you don't want something like this to happen to her and that you are there for her. Remeber that it's easy to talk to our kids, but sometimes very hard to listen. Try to make a date with her for the 2 of you to get together to talk and listen to each other. Set ground rules like the conversation will stay civil. If one of you gets upset, stop, recompose and start again. Maybe you will find out something you didn't know about her feelings and vice versa. If she stills continue to decide to live outside the home, continue to have visit dates with her to continue to let her know you want to be a part of her life and hopefully she will soon see the light. Don't give up.


Jean
 
RE: teenage

You've gotten some good advice, esp. from Missy--that's "tough love", BTW, if she doesn't go to school, she is truant.
 
RE: teenage

Jacque,

It's OK to be stubborn. I think someone needs to come in to intervene. Listening and hearing is so important for the both of you. Sometimes we as parents have made mistakes, (in my case anyway) and it was time that my child let me know all about it. I Let it happen (my councilor suggested it) and took it as a mature adult I was. It was very difficult not to defend myself, but I realized how important it was for her to vent. I just plain and simple let her at it. And by gosh she did! We still are trying to be mother and daughter. It's not easy.

With her venting I learned a lot from my little girl.

Take care of yourself OK,

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
RE: teenage

Jaque,

You and your kids have been through some very tough circumstances and now this. I am sorry for your many troubles. :-(

If you decide to allow this man into your home, will your daughter then agree to live back home again? If she will, I would consider it just to get her home. Once she is where you know she is safe again, then you can start working on the problems. I would hope that your DH would understand where you are coming from and not fight you on it. Especially considering how you lost your mom so young and I know that you don't want to lose your daughter because she shuts you out over some guy. It's not worth it. IMO sometimes we have to accept things we don't really like just because we love someone and they are happy so we have to be happy for them. If she is happy with this guy and he's not a real threat to her well-being then maybe the "grin and bear it" approach is best for now...especially if there is no issue w/him bigger than the age difference.

JMO ofcourse.
 
RE: teenage

I would take the boy out hunting.......... Well maybe not.

That’s a tough one, with her being 17 years old. Being this is your daughter and not your DH, you should have the final say on how your family handles this. DH shouldn’t be completely shut out, he should advise only.

I wouldn’t advise you how to handle this, because I don’t know the relationship you and your daughter have. Try to put yourself in her shoes, and ask her to do the same with you.

Boy I’m glad mine are all adults and married.

Good luck!
 
RE: teenage

Jacque:
I had almost the same thing happen with my oldest daughter. She had a boyfriend who was 21 when she was only seventeen. He (they?) lied to us about his age, and I told her that if he could look me in the eye and lie to me that some day he would do the same to her. She didn't believe me. Her dad pretty much kicked her out of the house as she didn't listen. She was within months of being 18 and we thought of pressing charges, but we knew that she would just wait till she was 18 and do what she wanted anyway. So we let her make her mistakes. She married him and had a little boy, he lied to her big time about just about everything and she finally woke up one day and left him. She is now 26 and has a good job and a decent head on her shoulders. Could be more responsible, but does pretty good for being a single mom. She is very good to me and I love her dearly, but during that time it was not fun. Maybe I am in the minority, but I feel at that age they are pretty much "raised" and will do what they want to do. I am not saying don't talk to her till you're blue in the face! PLease do! But don't get mad and don't blame yourself if she doesn't listen. Someday she will.
Good luck and hugs to you cause I know how much you need the right now!!
Paula

http://www.picturetrail.com/luckeelaydee

Paula
 
RE: teenage

That's got to be hard.

Because she is a minor you can call the police pick her up as a runaway. Depending on your state law, you might be able to get a restraining order against the BF. Or you can have the BF arrested for statutory rape it there is evidence of sexual activity.

Recognize that the more you try to keep them apart, the more she might rebel. I think the most important thing right now is (1) to keep her in school and make sure she graduates and (2) make sure she's using birth control so she doesn't get pregnant with this creep. She'll probably lose interest in this guy in time. Keep trying to reach her.
 
RE: teenage

I agree with Wendy. Big time. She is YOUR daughter. Do you have any qualms about her seeing this man? If not, you need to talk to your dh and tell him how its going to be.

As for one who did the same thing when I was a teen - I dated someone 9 years older then me when I was 15. However, he knew my parents and worked with my mom. My dad had a little bit of a hard time with it, but other than that he let me date him which still shocks me when I think about it because they were both so strict with me and my brother. I was able to talk to my mom about things because she supported me. It was easier then sneaking around.

Good luck!
 
RE: teenage

This is a tough one.
If you stop her from seeing him she is going to rebell and try to run off with him. Teenage know it all attitudes.
17-25 to me is not kosher, but at 20-27 isn't as bad.
Maybe it sounds better that way.
She sounds young and imature and willful. Teenagers think they know it all and they don't .
Does she realize you love her and only wants what is best for her?
Does she realize he probably only wants 1 thing and will likely move on. She can't go to the clubs with him, and i will guarantee her not being able to do things a 21 yr. old can will wear thin.
My opinion from dealing with my daughter is the harder you push her the more she will go the other way.
I don't agree with the age difference at her age , but she will sneak and lie to see him. I would rather know where she is and what she is doing.
You two need a good heart to heart. Let her know you do not approve . Make sure she is protected, loved, and let her go .You don't want a runaway...
I have been through this with my daughter. I just asked her and she said she would sneak and do what ever she had to at that age.
I think it is the i think i am in love hormone thing working.
Then there is Bill's idea. Take him hunting....
Anne





http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
 
RE: teenage

I knew I would get some great advice from all of you out here.

The great thing is there is also a great deal of you who have experienced it from both sides.

Adri - thank you for making sure that you younger folks do listen eventually. I just hope she doesn't go too far awry.

Wendy and the others - I don't dislike this BF, he is actually not a bad person and after talking to the parent in the house where she has been recently, he said the same thing. My DD continues to tell me that their relationship isn't physical and that is what she likes about him. (She doesn't seem to have lied to me - we have had a couple of long conversations since she stopped coming home).

I have not said anything to DH because he is one who always likes to be right and this parenting thing isn't like that. At times I wish he had had children, but then I think they would have had it really tough.

Missy - I think I will take you up and pm you - I think there is a little difference in the situation, but I would like to take a little of the control back since I believe I have bit more of life's experiences under my belt.:)

Paula & Deana - I do think she will run away again if she can't continue to see her BF and that is why I took the time to meet him outside the house and see what he was like. She if very stubborn and rebelious and has been difficult since she was small. (I have learned to count to 100:p , nevermind just 10).

And then after her not seeing/talking to her father for a couple of years, a parent who like to "buy" the kids in order to maintain a relationship, seems she called him and he sent her $ to live on. (That is the story from the child support worker who called me to let me know the child support would be stopped). That is fine because I know my sons would tell their dad everything anyway and then I wouldn't have to deal with it. (I can see the huge smile on her dad's face now, knowing that she is not with me. Too bad he is enabling her to make some bad choices.)

Well, on the way home from work I stopped off at school to see what we could do about her either getting through her last year of high school or at least getting a GED or something equivalent to a diploma. She tells me she can finish high school in a junior college but I have not heard of that program yet.

Left her a message since I found out she has not been staying at the same place every night. Hopefully she will call me back. Yes, cell phones are great - only if they answer :-(

I really appreciate all of your support - I had many of the same ideas and then some of you showed me different perspectives. I will keep you all posted. <<< crossing fingers I can at least get her on the right track >>>
 
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