Sticky situation - need advice please!

pink_fortitude

pink_fortitude

Banned
Okay, I know that there are some very wise people on this forum, I was hoping that I could borrow your wisdom for a few minutes!

My best friend has invited us to her family's beach house for spring break this year to share with her family. Our kids get along great and they are all about the same ages. We went last year and the kids had a grand time. BUT... I cannot stand her husband. He is the most selfish person that I know. The whole time that we were there, he didn't lift a finger to help, didn't offer to help, left his stuff laying around for us to clean up, made outtings with the guys that left the women with the kids for the whole friggin' week (DH went on one outting, but when he found out that they were doing more, he stayed home with us three ladies and helped us _ yeah DH!!!). He treats us women like we are servants for him, and he speaks to us like we are stupid children; he feels the need to have to explain everything to us. We did only what HE wanted to do. I really don't like him very much and I can't stand the thought of spending a week with him helping take care of his kids while he sits on his butt and plays video games or sleeps on the couch. He is very fun to be around, but DH says that he feels drained when we spend time with them because he can't stand the way he ignores his kids and wife, and he can't stand the way he acts like he is better than us. (he is from a very affluent family and is very spoiled)

When we were invited again last week, DH talked to him and my BF and told them that it would have to be different. He told them that we needed to help each other more and we didn't like splitting up men and women. He said the women can't be left to do everything again, that it wasn't fair. Well, BF is used to living this way, so she didn't get it at all what DH was trying to say. She came to me and basically told me that DH really wants to go and she encouraged me that they would help us out financially (WTHeck!!! She thought that is what he meant by helping out!!!). She misinterpretted everything DH said, that it was all my fault that we weren't going. (that is what her DH makes her feel, like all of their problems are her fault because she is a lowly woman. it is really so sad.)

Here is what is very hard... she is my best friend, our daughters are best friends, our sons get along fabulously and absolutely love each other. DH and I really LOVE the other couple that is going, they are such a great and loving couple. Our kids also love their kids and they get along great (they were there last spring as well). Everyone gets along great... except for one problem... BF's DH. If he wasn't going to be there, it would be the greatest time, and even if we couldn't afford it I would make it happen and we would go!

Here is the question, should we go and let the kids have a good time and just be completely selfless even though I will dream of murdering him? I am feeling very conflicted and torn right now. I know that DH will have a good time, DH and BF's DH enjoy the same things. I will have a good time with my kids because I always do, the kids will have a great time. I don't want to be selfish and not go because I can't stand only on person on the trip, can't stand the comments he makes to his wife, can't stand the way he talks about women. I really REALLY dislike him (I don't know if you noticed...). I struggle when I am in his presence for more than two minutes. If I am being completely selfish, tell me and I will repent, and if you have any additional advice PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I wish I could make everyone happy.

Thank you
Missy
 
Thank you! I know that this is a really tough one, and I have been thinking about it for over a week now. It is tough!

Missy:)
 
Hi,
If it was me personally, I'd go. You like everyone else so why bother let that jerkweed ruin y'all's fun?? If he acts like an ass, I'd call him up on it. He might think you guys don't see it or whatever. I'd call him up on it if he doesn't do crap or anything. That is just me. But overall, I'd go and ignore this buffoon. Let us know what you've decided. :) Also, do not pick up after him. If his wife does it, tell her to forget it and go have some FUN!

Lisa
 
I have been mulling on this and going back and forth between the fact that your family would have an awesome time... and you might not. But you did say you think you would still enjoy yourself because your kids and DH would be so happy. And, Missy, I have to say, your DH sounds *divine* and seems to really recognize the issues with this guy. Maybe you can go, enjoy the vacation, ignore the guy as much as possible, and try to turn your homicidal thoughts over to reflection on how smart and lucky YOU are because you chose so well? I mean, we could all almost be our best friends, right??

Good luck!!
Marie
 
Well if you really want to go, then plan, plan, plan, plan. Don't let your friends husband dictate what everyone is going to do. They can have 'guy' things and the women can have 'girl' things and both genders take turns with the kids. If monster DH wants to nap in the afternoon then you girls all go out to lunch or shopping or hiking and leave the men to tend the children. You know you can depend on your H to take responsibility of the kids and hopefully the other man will help out too and then the idiot can lay on the couch all he wants.

Planning...just don't let the other couple dictate what is going to happen.

This is the reason I no longer go camping with my husbands family. All they ever want to do is sit around all day,all night and get drunk while the kids run wild. I can't sit like that and do nothing yet if I take my kids and go on a nature walk then I'm being a b*tch and not 'being' with the family. Yet they are all too lazy and usually too drunk to do any walking.
 
yet if I take my kids and go on a nature
>walk then I'm being a b*tch and not 'being' with the family.
>Yet they are all too lazy

That is exactly what I feel like!!! He talks to me like I am a domineering little you-know-what because I don't sit and wait to serve him.

I think that you guys are right on so far. I won't let him affect how good a time I will have. I just can't stand the way he treats my friend. It is very hard for me to watch him treat her like a doormat.

Missy
 
I mean, we
>could all almost be our best friends, right??


That makes me wonder what they are saying about MY DH! :p

I would love to ignore him, but whenever he is in a room, he is the center of attention. Perhaps I can keep my good humor by imagining shooting darts into his forehead as he speaks. He would never know that it wasn't him that is so entertaining!!! }( }( }(

Missy
 
I'm going to add that I know a couple just like this. Only the guy is my H's bf from school days. He treats his wife and kids like they are invisible. I mean, he doesn't even acknowledge they are in the same room. Never looks at his wife or kids when he does happen to speak to any of them. I can't stand the guy and it is beyond my comprehension why his wife has stayed with him all these years. I keep hoping that once their kids are grown she will finally leave and find some happiness in life.

Needless to say, we never go and visit them anymore. Haven't for years. If I had to consider spending a week with them, it would be very difficult because the situation would be just as you described. The men would go off and do things and he just expects, no demands, that his wife has 24/7 care of their kids. He is a gigantic a$$hole, oh, and wealthy too.
 
Missy, I think you've been given some excellent advice here and I would follow it. This is a tricky topic for me because I absolutely hate vacationing with friends--even my best friend. I guess it would be different if I had kids and travelling with friends meant that the kids would have someone to play with, but DH and I don't have children and we spend precious little time together as it is.

Every time DH and I have vacationed with friends it has been a disaster. DH and I just like to go our own way and do our own thing. It works best for us if we just do dinner and a movie with friends.

Okay, I know sound like antisocial recluse, but really I'm not.;-).

Michele
 
I understand your concern for you friend Missy...but you can't fight her battles for her. I know it's hurts you to see her treated badly and I'm sure you have expressed this to her in one way or another, and yet she doesn't stand up for herself or understand where you ae coming from. Under those circumstances there is nothing more you can do. Just be a good friend and continue to be a strong example. Maybe one day she will see the light...maybe not. She is probably the way she is because of circumstances that existed long before you were ever in her life...she will have to want to get passed all of that for herself. When she gets fed up...she will do what she needs to do...until then, I think the best thing you can do is be there for her as you have done thus far.

Go...be yourself and make the best out of the situation. One bad apple doesn't spoil the entire tree....


~Marietta
FITXME
http://www.picturetrail.com/fitxme
 
Michele, I know what you mean. If it were all up to me, we would do something as a family only. Dan works so hard during the week that I barely see him, then on the weekends we spend time together but it isn't the kind of quality that you get on a vacation. I feel like it helps keep us really connected as a family unit when we do things with just us. I don't really think that is antisocial. You are just selfish with your DH's time! :p

Thank you so much for all the great advice so far, really keep it coming you guys, it is awesome and encouraging me!

Missy
 
Naw, you're not an antisocial recluse. I don't like to vacation with friends. Hang out, etc for a day, yes...Vacation, no. Not my thing, never was. Hey, Michelle, want to go on a vacation together?? :7

Lisa
 
Marietta, you are right. She actually lost a very close friend within the past two years because she spoke up about what she saw in the marriage. DH didn't like it at all, so he put a wedge between them and twisted BF mind against her. I love her so much, and I know that she will see things when she is ready to. I will always be here for her, I love her so much!

Missy
 
40something, isn't that so awful to watch! I know that nobody is all bad, everyone has good in them. But isn't it easy to miss the good in people because what is bad is so prominent? If only everyone could help and love the person next to them... what a world this could be! :)

Missy
 
Missy,

Maybe the "poopie head" name-calling sugggestion I've seen recently would work!

Seriously, family vacation time is so wonderful and infrequent that I'd really have to think this one through. It sounds like he could poison the entire trip and hurt your friendship if allowed to be his nasty ole self!

On the other hand, everything else about it sounds wonderful. I HATE when there is another hand!

Wish I could be of more help.

Paula
 
Gee, Missy, it's a tough one. But it sounds like there would be 5 other adults, and you like all of them, right? The problem is, if it were me, I would HAVE to speak up and say something whenever he did something obnoxious, and that might get in the way of others having a good time. But it does seem a shame for everyone, including you, to miss out because of this heel. Why not go, but speak up once in a while, and let him know how you feel about what he is doing? It's just possible that both he and your friend could learn the error of their ways from you.

Okay, here's the big question I've got (please don't be offended): how do you sustain a close friendship with someone who is treated that way by her own husband without saying something to her once in a while? (You know, I'm starting to understand why I have so few friends. I can't keep my big piehole shut!)

HTH,
Nancy
 
Missy, the really stupid thing about my H's friend is, he always used to complain about what a horrible father he had. His father was never around, never cared about his family, only thought of himself. And now he is the same exact man that he hated his own father for being.

And yes, it is hard to see the wife live in a relationship like that. H's friend has such a wonderful woman for his wife but he absolutely ignores her. The finaly straw was when one of my H's brother's got married and this couple was at the wedding dance. The guy was dancing with every eligible woman at the party, but not his own wife. I would watch her go up to him and ask him to dance and he would just turn around and walk away from her. He couldn't even give her 10 minutes of his time at a wedding because he was too busy impressing all the other women who were there. That was IT for me. And then just the idea that his wife repeatedly kept chasing after him to dance. I would NEVER do that for any man. I just don't understand it. She is attractive, smart, makes a very good living in her own occupation but she is nothing more to him than a nurse for his children...that I doubt he even wanted in the first place. But you really feel for the kids in marriages like that because they don't know what 'love' should really be. Talk about disfunctional.
 
I'm with Lisa. Go, but speak up. A few well-turned phrases, well-placed could point out his issues. Something like, "you keep reminding me of someone...." and then wait of few minutes, and say, "I got it. I remember who you remind me of ---- your father!!"
Maybe the reference will get him to wake up.
Likewise, a "are your arms/legs, etc broken? get your own beer - I gave up waitressing years ago."
Or, "so, how much do you pay your wife to be your maid/servant/etc?"
Sarcasm is one of my favorite weapons and is very effective when well-used.
After the week, I would then reconsider my future vacations, etc. with the couple. Maybe just dinners, or time with the wife and kids only, sans jerk.
(sheesh, I HATE men - x that - boys like that!)
 
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