stay-at-home mom vs. working mom
- Thread starter arogerson
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dss62467
Cathlete
I don't think that's what she meant. If you stay at home simply because you think it's the right thing to do, but your heart isn't 100% into it, you're not going to be the best parent you can be. You won't be completely happy and your child will pick up on that. There probably will be a certain amount of resentment that will be unconsciously passed along to your child and probably your husband too.
Your child will be happiest if you're happy. If that means you give up your career and stay home - great. If that means you share the child raising responsibilities with another, then that's great too.
Your child will be happiest if you're happy. If that means you give up your career and stay home - great. If that means you share the child raising responsibilities with another, then that's great too.
>I don't think that's what she meant. If you stay at home
>simply because you think it's the right thing to do, but your
>heart isn't 100% into it, you're not going to be the best
>parent you can be. You won't be completely happy and your
>child will pick up on that. There probably will be a certain
>amount of resentment that will be unconsciously passed along
>to your child and probably your husband too.
>
>Your child will be happiest if you're happy. If that means
>you give up your career and stay home - great. If that means
>you share the child raising responsibilities with another,
>then that's great too.
Donna, thank you. That's what I meant.
>
>
>simply because you think it's the right thing to do, but your
>heart isn't 100% into it, you're not going to be the best
>parent you can be. You won't be completely happy and your
>child will pick up on that. There probably will be a certain
>amount of resentment that will be unconsciously passed along
>to your child and probably your husband too.
>
>Your child will be happiest if you're happy. If that means
>you give up your career and stay home - great. If that means
>you share the child raising responsibilities with another,
>then that's great too.
Donna, thank you. That's what I meant.
>
>
mom23dolls
Cathlete
>You wouldn't even sacrifice yourself for your child? I would
>in a heartbeat.
I know I would take a bullet for my children without thinking twice. I think "sacrifice" is in the eye of the beholder, kwim? In my particular case, the person caring for my kids after school is their other parent, so there is no sacrifice involved. That said, when my husband came to me 15 years ago and told me that he wanted to be a day-to-day parent, instead of just a visitor in the evening and weekends (his particular job at the time was very high-pressured and involved long hours), which meant I would have to return to work to make that compromise, I was quite ambivalent, but in the hindsight of all those years it is quite clear to me that the decision to co-parent was the right one for our kids and for my husband.
Carole
>in a heartbeat.
I know I would take a bullet for my children without thinking twice. I think "sacrifice" is in the eye of the beholder, kwim? In my particular case, the person caring for my kids after school is their other parent, so there is no sacrifice involved. That said, when my husband came to me 15 years ago and told me that he wanted to be a day-to-day parent, instead of just a visitor in the evening and weekends (his particular job at the time was very high-pressured and involved long hours), which meant I would have to return to work to make that compromise, I was quite ambivalent, but in the hindsight of all those years it is quite clear to me that the decision to co-parent was the right one for our kids and for my husband.
Carole
nancy324
Cathlete
My niece is the product of a "broken" as you call it, marriage, and could not be happier or more well-adjusted. Her folks are friends and always put her needs first. I think kids are worse off when unhappy parents stay together out of some sense of obligation. Divorce is a sad fact of life, but it's not something you "do to" your kids. Some divorces are nasty, but it depends upon the people involved. I respect people who face up to the reality that a marriage is over and do something about it.
nancy324
Cathlete
Donna,
Hypothyroidism is the condition, and Hashimoto's Disease is the cause. Most hypothyroidism is caused by Hashimoto's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease. When my doctor determined that I was hypothyroid, he didn't bother to do the tests necessary to determine whether my hypothyroidism was caused by Hashimoto's or something else, he said, because the treatment is the same, so he said it didn't matter and put me on synthetic thyroid hormones. So, short story long, chances are you and I both have Hashimoto's Disease.
-Nancy
Hypothyroidism is the condition, and Hashimoto's Disease is the cause. Most hypothyroidism is caused by Hashimoto's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease. When my doctor determined that I was hypothyroid, he didn't bother to do the tests necessary to determine whether my hypothyroidism was caused by Hashimoto's or something else, he said, because the treatment is the same, so he said it didn't matter and put me on synthetic thyroid hormones. So, short story long, chances are you and I both have Hashimoto's Disease.
-Nancy
What do you mean by '"broken" as you call it'? A divorce isn't a broken marriage? If it's not, then what is it?
I am a former guardian ad litem for children in divorce proceedings, representing the best interests of the children. I know first hand that divorce is something you absolutely "do to" your kids. It affects them PROFOUNDLY in ways we are just beginning to understand. It is a MYTH that kids will be happier if their parents are happy. Of course, this would not include children of abusive parents. I suggest you read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" in which the results of the first ever study of the effects of divorce on children is discussed.
I have more respect for people who stay together for the sake of the children and go their separate ways when the kids are out of the house.
I am a former guardian ad litem for children in divorce proceedings, representing the best interests of the children. I know first hand that divorce is something you absolutely "do to" your kids. It affects them PROFOUNDLY in ways we are just beginning to understand. It is a MYTH that kids will be happier if their parents are happy. Of course, this would not include children of abusive parents. I suggest you read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" in which the results of the first ever study of the effects of divorce on children is discussed.
I have more respect for people who stay together for the sake of the children and go their separate ways when the kids are out of the house.
dss62467
Cathlete
My parents are divorced. It didn't affect me negatively. I had some resentment towards my father, but only because of what he did to my mother (cheated on her with a woman who pretended to be her friend and is, incidentally, my stepmother now). But that's the problem I have, not that they divorced. I wouldn't have expected my mother to stay with him, nor would I had I been in her shoes.
wendymin72
Cathlete
I believe that you have to do what you feel is best for you and your family.
If you feel being an SAHM is in you and your family's best interest, great! If you want to work a f/t job as soon as your maternity leave is over, that's great too! As long as your child is being properly and lovingly cared for and nurtured while you are away from him/her then you have done right by your child.
Everyone has to make thier own choices/decisions and no one decision is right or wrong. I have always wanted to be an SAHM but I would NEVER criticize any working mom! We all work hard to do the best we can for our families and should not be criticized for that just because we might do it differently from someone else.
As far as the divorce issue goes-my sister and I are products of a divorce and there is nothing wrong with either of us. My father no longer lived with us but that did not mean he loved or cared for us any less. My mother and father getting a divorce was the best thing they could have done! They were unhappy as a married couple but after divorcing became the best of friends! My mom eventually remarried and I ended up spending many years basically hating my step father for making her so unhappy. If this is what would have happened had my mom and dad stayed married (where I would hate one of them for making the other unhappy), why would I want that? How can that be better? Maybe it's me but I just don't understand that one.
JMHO, ofcourse!
Have a great work out!
~Wendy~
I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!
http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img][/url]
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
If you feel being an SAHM is in you and your family's best interest, great! If you want to work a f/t job as soon as your maternity leave is over, that's great too! As long as your child is being properly and lovingly cared for and nurtured while you are away from him/her then you have done right by your child.
Everyone has to make thier own choices/decisions and no one decision is right or wrong. I have always wanted to be an SAHM but I would NEVER criticize any working mom! We all work hard to do the best we can for our families and should not be criticized for that just because we might do it differently from someone else.
As far as the divorce issue goes-my sister and I are products of a divorce and there is nothing wrong with either of us. My father no longer lived with us but that did not mean he loved or cared for us any less. My mother and father getting a divorce was the best thing they could have done! They were unhappy as a married couple but after divorcing became the best of friends! My mom eventually remarried and I ended up spending many years basically hating my step father for making her so unhappy. If this is what would have happened had my mom and dad stayed married (where I would hate one of them for making the other unhappy), why would I want that? How can that be better? Maybe it's me but I just don't understand that one.
JMHO, ofcourse!
Have a great work out!
~Wendy~
I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!
http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img][/url]
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
I have to disagree about staying together for the sake of the children. I grew up wishing that my parents would divorce because the fighting and the tension in our home was unbearable. I ended up moving out at 14 years old because I couldn't take it anymore. A few times my parents would separate and life was so much better for all of us. They've been permanently separated for several years now finally.
A close friend of mine is in a miserable marriage, but doesn't want to divorce because she thinks it would hurt her kids emotionally. Instead, her kids see two people who can't stand each other try to act like that's the way a marriage should be. The kids witness ugly fights between their parents also. My friend and her kids deserve so much better, but I feel it's my place to support her decision.
By the way, I've been a SAHM for 14+ years now and feel that was the best decision for our family. I also have a LOT of respect for working moms - I don't know how you do it all! I have trouble keeping up and I don't have an outside job!
I do worry about what would happen if something happens to DH. We have life insurance and a lot of savings, but I just don't feel like my kids and I would be financially secure. DH assures me that we would. I do have a college education but, as Donna pointed out, I've been out of the workforce for so long that it's pretty much useless.
Erica
A close friend of mine is in a miserable marriage, but doesn't want to divorce because she thinks it would hurt her kids emotionally. Instead, her kids see two people who can't stand each other try to act like that's the way a marriage should be. The kids witness ugly fights between their parents also. My friend and her kids deserve so much better, but I feel it's my place to support her decision.
By the way, I've been a SAHM for 14+ years now and feel that was the best decision for our family. I also have a LOT of respect for working moms - I don't know how you do it all! I have trouble keeping up and I don't have an outside job!
I do worry about what would happen if something happens to DH. We have life insurance and a lot of savings, but I just don't feel like my kids and I would be financially secure. DH assures me that we would. I do have a college education but, as Donna pointed out, I've been out of the workforce for so long that it's pretty much useless.
Erica
>As long as your child is being properly and lovingly cared
>for and nurtured while you are away from him/her
>then you have done right by your child.
I don't think anyone outside the family (i.e., a hired daycare worker, etc.) could truly love and nurture a child nearly as well as their very own parents because no one could possibly love that child as much as their parents. How wonderful for babies to wake up from their naps to their own mommy's or daddy's warm snuggles, in their own bed, in their own home.
I never, ever, thought I'd be a SAHM mom -- I remember specifically stating that opinion while dressed in my power-suit in my corporate world. It's amazing how that changed when I had my first son. I just couldn't imagine taking him to a daycare center and going to work. It would've destroyed me.
I realize we're all different and my intention truly is not to offend or criticize working moms. I know I couldn't handle their lifestyle. My house would be chaotic and surely wouldn't be peaceful.
I do teach music lessons from my home one day a week, and I used to be a freelance graphic artist -- but I stopped that when my second child was born.
I've always been a very independent woman (I had a really hard time spending "my husbands money" when we were first married). I've got lots of plans/ideas for my next career, whe my SAHM career is complete.
>for and nurtured while you are away from him/her
>then you have done right by your child.
I don't think anyone outside the family (i.e., a hired daycare worker, etc.) could truly love and nurture a child nearly as well as their very own parents because no one could possibly love that child as much as their parents. How wonderful for babies to wake up from their naps to their own mommy's or daddy's warm snuggles, in their own bed, in their own home.
I never, ever, thought I'd be a SAHM mom -- I remember specifically stating that opinion while dressed in my power-suit in my corporate world. It's amazing how that changed when I had my first son. I just couldn't imagine taking him to a daycare center and going to work. It would've destroyed me.
I realize we're all different and my intention truly is not to offend or criticize working moms. I know I couldn't handle their lifestyle. My house would be chaotic and surely wouldn't be peaceful.
I do teach music lessons from my home one day a week, and I used to be a freelance graphic artist -- but I stopped that when my second child was born.
I've always been a very independent woman (I had a really hard time spending "my husbands money" when we were first married). I've got lots of plans/ideas for my next career, whe my SAHM career is complete.
I firmly believe there are pros and cons for children both with a sahm mom and a working mom. If mom and dad are both working long hours and are physically and emotionally drained, well, yes, it probably is detrimental to the kids. If the childcare provider isn't loving and nurturing and consistent, definitely detrimental to a child. But in between sahm and left for long hours with a subpar caretaker are lots of appropriate options.
I have 3 kids and opted to go half time when my oldest was born. I work 20 hours a week and spend the remainder with my kids. I gave up a lot in terms of career advancement and gained an enormous amount in quality of family life. By being in an excellent daycare with very low turnover in workers and a very nurturing atmosphere, my kids learned a lot. They received much more stimulation than I could have provided, got to know and become comfortable with a lot of different people, both adults and other kids. They also learned that women are versatile, powerful beings who can play with them, read to them, cook, clean, help with homework, bake great brownies, volunteer at school and also get dressed up in suits and briefcase and go to the office and do the same type of work daddies do.
As far as continuing to work when not needing to equalling being unwilling to sacrifice for your child -- I disagree. There is no one right way to raise kids. Millions of kids have been raised by less than full time sahms and thrived. Martyrs make bad mothers. Kids can sense resentment and develop a lifelong sense of guilt and inappropriate responsibility for their parent's unhappiness. My mom was a highly intelligent, motivated woman who enjoyed her career. She became a sahm to us kids and she always resented it. She did her best with us but I always knew she felt she gave up her life for us and I knew she was unhappy. That's not a good thing for a child.
I have 3 kids and opted to go half time when my oldest was born. I work 20 hours a week and spend the remainder with my kids. I gave up a lot in terms of career advancement and gained an enormous amount in quality of family life. By being in an excellent daycare with very low turnover in workers and a very nurturing atmosphere, my kids learned a lot. They received much more stimulation than I could have provided, got to know and become comfortable with a lot of different people, both adults and other kids. They also learned that women are versatile, powerful beings who can play with them, read to them, cook, clean, help with homework, bake great brownies, volunteer at school and also get dressed up in suits and briefcase and go to the office and do the same type of work daddies do.
As far as continuing to work when not needing to equalling being unwilling to sacrifice for your child -- I disagree. There is no one right way to raise kids. Millions of kids have been raised by less than full time sahms and thrived. Martyrs make bad mothers. Kids can sense resentment and develop a lifelong sense of guilt and inappropriate responsibility for their parent's unhappiness. My mom was a highly intelligent, motivated woman who enjoyed her career. She became a sahm to us kids and she always resented it. She did her best with us but I always knew she felt she gave up her life for us and I knew she was unhappy. That's not a good thing for a child.
toastythemosty
Cathlete
The idea that my husband is "supporting me" is totally foreign. I don't even think that way. We have a partnership. He works and makes the money to pays the bills and I raise the kids. I guess I am not worried about not being able to earn my own way in life because I have an education and we made the necessary financial arrangements (i.e. life insurance) so I won't have to worry about it if something does happen to him. I just don't even think about what would happen if we split up because that just ain't gonna happen. Bad mindset to have going into a marriage.
I have to agree with arogerson on this particular view point.
Charlotte~~
I have to agree with arogerson on this particular view point.
Charlotte~~
Ann Marie
Cathlete
I agree with you Marla. nobody could love your child more than you!
After my daughter was born, i stayed home full time for 3 months, and then i went back to work 2 days a week. Those days, my husband was home with our daughter. I really had no choice, because i had student loans to pay off, which will be paid off this June!!!!!!! But for me, it kept up my skills. My husband's paycheck covers all expenses, i just pay off loans, bought all furniture, all Cathe videos,LOL- all the extras, or save a few bucks. We have since had a boy, and i continue to work 2 days a week. If my husband can't take a day off, then my mom comes up from new york city, or i just tell them i can't work! It has worked out real well, and it gives me a break, allows me to feel as if i'm contributing.
I know i could't work full time, take care of the children,and the house. I'd go crazy!x( Kudos to the moms who do it all!
Ann Marie
After my daughter was born, i stayed home full time for 3 months, and then i went back to work 2 days a week. Those days, my husband was home with our daughter. I really had no choice, because i had student loans to pay off, which will be paid off this June!!!!!!! But for me, it kept up my skills. My husband's paycheck covers all expenses, i just pay off loans, bought all furniture, all Cathe videos,LOL- all the extras, or save a few bucks. We have since had a boy, and i continue to work 2 days a week. If my husband can't take a day off, then my mom comes up from new york city, or i just tell them i can't work! It has worked out real well, and it gives me a break, allows me to feel as if i'm contributing.
I know i could't work full time, take care of the children,and the house. I'd go crazy!x( Kudos to the moms who do it all!
Ann Marie
wendymin72
Cathlete
Hi dwc33,
I just wanted to comment that that was a great post! You hit the nail on the head in my opinnion!
Thanks for posting!
Have a great work out!
~Wendy~
I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!
http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img][/url]
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
I just wanted to comment that that was a great post! You hit the nail on the head in my opinnion!
Thanks for posting!
Have a great work out!
~Wendy~
I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!
http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img][/url]
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
pwmatt
Cathlete
I am a working mom. I am marr ied with 3 kids; 15,13,11. My mother raised me to go to college and get out in the world. She expected me to take care of myself. So, thats what I have done. I love my choice in this situation. Yes, there have been problems. For instance, when the kids were younger and became sick. Either my husbancd or I had to go to the sschool/daycare to pick them up. We took turns staying home if we had to, or whoever had the most time available stayed home. It all worked out. Since we both work, we were able to provide the kids with all their needs and even the occasional treats. I'm proud of my family and the way we work together. I could never by a SAHM. I don't think I have the pateince for it! Congrats to those who do! Phyllis
I work.I think I would go insane if I didn't do something.Right now I only have one child and she is 8.She is in school all day and gymnastics 3 evenings a week.And when she is home, there is so little work to her.
Sometimes if I think about it, I think it would be nice to not HAVE to be anywhere at a certain time.But now that I am really enjoying both of my jobs, its not so bad.The last place I worked at, I hated going there and I was miserable.
DH makes good money but not enough to keep us going.We like to buy things and probably waste to much money sometimes.
Lori
Sometimes if I think about it, I think it would be nice to not HAVE to be anywhere at a certain time.But now that I am really enjoying both of my jobs, its not so bad.The last place I worked at, I hated going there and I was miserable.
DH makes good money but not enough to keep us going.We like to buy things and probably waste to much money sometimes.
Lori
momto2bratz
Cathlete
I was a working mom for almost 7 years. The bank I worked at ended up merging with another financial institution, so it wasn't a great place to be anymore. I was staying long hours and was emotionally drained. I felt like the job was taking over my life. I was spending less time with the kids due to longer hours at the bank. My husband was home and gave the kids a lot of time, but I felt that I was missing out. He makes a great living, but everyone who knows me on here knows I like to shop..tee hee. Anyway, I decided to leave my job and do childcare in my home. I could continue earning a living, but be with my children at the same time. I will still get the interaction on a business level with adults as well as be responsible for the care of their children. The best part is just being able to spend more time with my own children. I respect working moms as well as SAHM. Everyone does what's good for their family. I have been in both places, so I can completely understand both sides of it. Just wanted to share my thoughts .
Aila
.Aila
>My mother raised me to go to college and get out
>in the world. She expected me to take care of myself.
Same here -- and I did exactly that. I attained a well-paying corporate job, and completely supported myself. Just me. No roomates -- just me in my own place, and I loved it. I was so happy, actually that I was never in a hurry to get married and waited until I was in my 30s.
I had a career outside the home before my kids were born, and I will again -- when they're older. (However, I will work for myself this time -- not someone else.) Don't believe for a second that if you leave your job that's the end of your corporate career. You can do whatever you want.
I get the feeling from this thread that many women fear they're losing their independence or stature by staying home to raise their kids. I've never looked at staying home as giving up anything -- I've been blessed with the most wonderful moments of my life -- it's a career change, and it will change again.
I can change my career ss often as I want, and my current career is SAHM. I've never looked at it as the end of my independence. To me it's exactly the opposite of that. Thank God we have the freedom to make such important choices.
This current season of my life is my choice, and it fills me up everyday. Trust me, I've not been relegated to being Mrs. Cleaver baking brownies in a dress & apron.
There is no way I feel less independent or less valuable because I'm not out in the corporate world. Thisis hugely important. It's a wonderful time that I will always look back on fondly.
I've been given a very small amount of time with which to be with, and raise, my children. I wouldn't miss it for anything.
I firmly believe we can be anything we want at each stage of our lives.
>in the world. She expected me to take care of myself.
Same here -- and I did exactly that. I attained a well-paying corporate job, and completely supported myself. Just me. No roomates -- just me in my own place, and I loved it. I was so happy, actually that I was never in a hurry to get married and waited until I was in my 30s.
I had a career outside the home before my kids were born, and I will again -- when they're older. (However, I will work for myself this time -- not someone else.) Don't believe for a second that if you leave your job that's the end of your corporate career. You can do whatever you want.
I get the feeling from this thread that many women fear they're losing their independence or stature by staying home to raise their kids. I've never looked at staying home as giving up anything -- I've been blessed with the most wonderful moments of my life -- it's a career change, and it will change again.
I can change my career ss often as I want, and my current career is SAHM. I've never looked at it as the end of my independence. To me it's exactly the opposite of that. Thank God we have the freedom to make such important choices.
This current season of my life is my choice, and it fills me up everyday. Trust me, I've not been relegated to being Mrs. Cleaver baking brownies in a dress & apron.
There is no way I feel less independent or less valuable because I'm not out in the corporate world. Thisis hugely important. It's a wonderful time that I will always look back on fondly.
I've been given a very small amount of time with which to be with, and raise, my children. I wouldn't miss it for anything.
I firmly believe we can be anything we want at each stage of our lives.