Some people just annoy the @&$*%& out of me!

[spyrosmom]

This is gonna get rant-y.......

So, DH's grandfather's funeral is Friday, and the wake is tomorrow. DH gets an email from his bro, who still lives at home w/ DH's dad. So, FIL told BIL to tell DH (by email) that he better not disrespect grandpa at the funeral like he did grandma at her funeral, or he will not speak with him again. Not sure what he/we did. The only thing I can think of is that in church, we just sat there, and then stood when everyone else stood. No kneeling, no communion. DH and I were both raised Catholic, but neither of us believe (that's a whole 'nother topic). I can only assume he is flummoxed that we didn't participate in church. Mind you this is almost 2 yrs ago at this point. FIL is perpetually grumpy/pissed/annoyed/feeling wronged about something.

1. I will NOT kneel to a god I don't believe in. It is disrespectful to myself and to the true believers that are there. I will NOT mock their religion, even if I don't believe in it. I wouldn't go to Temple and pretend to go along - I know nothing about it. I would sit silently and respectfully. My guess is he feels that way bc that is how DH was raised (Catholic) but he no longer suscribes to that belief. I bet if a Hindu or Jewish friend of grandpa's showed up, FIL wouldn't expect him to follow along the mass. I don't feel that if that is what is problem is/was that we did anything wrong.

2. If he/we did something wrong - FLIPPIN' TELL US!!! You are a grown a$$ man - be one. Don't pass the word along and put someone else in the middle. This is not Jr high. WTH is your problem? DH tells me I am not allowed to go all flippy-spaz on his father, but I am close. He (FIL) is the most negative person I have ever met and can be very childish about things

Oooooohhhhhh------I am so mad, I could scream. He/we have no intention of kneel or taking communion at this funeral. If he feels the need to disown his son and his grandson over something so petty and trivial, I think he deserves it. If he doesn't want family and friends, he sure is working hard toward that goal.

I'm really sorry, but I had to get that out. I'm thisclose to driving to FIL house and giving him a huge piece of my mind.

Nan

 

[syzygy314]

Whew! Doesn't it feel better to get that off your chest? (not being sarcastic here) It sucks when someone won't confront you face to face!

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this at such a time. Take a nice deep breath and just get through it, then, after the funeral, if he still wants to get all "high and mighty" on you, I feel you have every right to tell him how you feel and what your beliefs are. I think you should do it in a non-confrontational way. Of course, people like that don't tend to listen or give anyone else the right to their own beliefs, but at least you would have held the higher ground by trying to discuss it civilly and intelligently.

I'm sorry for you loss and I wish you peace and luck in trying to come to terms with your FIL.

 

[BAM]

Hi Nan. Boy, do I understand your frustration. Some people truly are only comfortable being miserable as you most likely know. In the perfect world in our minds, we would love to tell those types of people off, tell them where they can stick it, tell them what idiots they are and the list would go on and on. However, (you knew that was coming, right?) if anything was going to be said, it should probably come from your husband. I don't know the dynamics of your family such as the current relationship between your DH and FIL and history, etc. I have a family member who has the most warped way of thinking and I have tried to reason with them, show evidence of how different perspectives works and the list goes on. What I finally got to sink in my head was that no matter what I did, that person will never ever ever change and they will continue to be miserable and that I can not tie up anymore of my emotions on their insecurities and other sources of misery. You will greatly do your nervous system a HUGE favor if you can start (and it does takes awhile to get it down) to allow him to be miserable without you being affected by it. Granted, I know some of the stuff gets directed to you but it sounds like you have nothing to prove to this man or hope to gain from him. Gift yourself with statements that are empowering to you such as "He is the way he is but I don't have to allow him to alter my state of being.'' "No matter what I say or do, he will never change but I am happy that I have evolved in life and don't push my unresolved issues on others." There are many empowering statements you can say. I had to work VERY hard at this myself and you CAN do it. If he's miserable, so be it. Good for him. That's his choice and your energy and emotions are better served on your family and people who are open minded. He just won't see any other way other than his. Even if you blast him, things won't change and it could cause more problems down the road. I used to feel better when I yelled back but since working on myself and understanding the dynamics of the people I was frustrated with, it has become a non-issue and I don't even have the need to retaliate to a dolt!

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the funeral goes peacefully.

I just realized that you were not asking for advice. Oops, sorry!

Bam

 

[spyrosmom]

Hi Nan. Boy, do I understand your frustration. Some people truly are only comfortable being miserable as you most likely know. In the perfect world in our minds, we would love to tell those types of people off, tell them where they can stick it, tell them what idiots they are and the list would go on and on. However, (you knew that was coming, right?) if anything was going to be said, it should probably come from your husband. I don't know the dynamics of your family such as the current relationship between your DH and FIL and history, etc. I have a family member who has the most warped way of thinking and I have tried to reason with them, show evidence of how different perspectives works and the list goes on. What I finally got to sink in my head was that no matter what I did, that person will never ever ever change and they will continue to be miserable and that I can not tie up anymore of my emotions on their insecurities and other sources of misery. You will greatly do your nervous system a HUGE favor if you can start (and it does takes awhile to get it down) to allow him to be miserable without you being affected by it. Granted, I know some of the stuff gets directed to you but it sounds like you have nothing to prove to this man or hope to gain from him. Gift yourself with statements that are empowering to you such as "He is the way he is but I don't have to allow him to alter my state of being.'' "No matter what I say or do, he will never change but I am happy that I have evolved in life and don't push my unresolved issues on others." There are many empowering statements you can say. I had to work VERY hard at this myself and you CAN do it. If he's miserable, so be it. Good for him. That's his choice and your energy and emotions are better served on your family and people who are open minded. He just won't see any other way other than his. Even if you blast him, things won't change and it could cause more problems down the road. I used to feel better when I yelled back but since working on myself and understanding the dynamics of the people I was frustrated with, it has become a non-issue and I don't even have the need to retaliate to a dolt!

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the funeral goes peacefully.

I just realized that you were not asking for advice. Oops, sorry!

Bam

Hey, advice is good!! I normally don't let him get under my skin, but this one just pushed the heck out of buttons!! At least DH and I are on the same side when it comes to his dad, otherwise there could be huge problems.

Nan

 

[BAM]

Hey, advice is good!! I normally don't let him get under my skin, but this one just pushed the heck out of buttons!! At least DH and I are on the same side when it comes to his dad, otherwise there could be huge problems.

Nan

Thank goodness you are on the same page as your DH. I know that sometimes people can get to us when we've been really good at not being affected by them. We are human but just keep reminding yourself of the source and their inability to see things in a broader scope. Even saying something like "If that's the only way you choose to see it, then there's nothing I could say in response to that." It can be very challenging to deal with them at times but remember, you can handle anything for a few hours. Good luck.

Bam

 

[Sunshine1528]

I'm with BAM on this one too. Come here to vent and don't do it the day of the funeral - not worth it.

We can choose our friends but not our family - we don't have to agree with what they do, but trying to get through to them usually isn't going to change anything most of the time anyway. I say be happy your DH is not like FIL and just do what is needed to get through the event.

I told my kids (whose father is my X) that they love their Dad no matter how he acts/reacts, but now that they are adults, they can choose what kind of relationship they have with him. He will never leave them alone, (he's like a gnat when you ignore him) but they don't need to do what he says if they don't believe in it and they should not feel guilty when he tells them what they did is not right or, as usually happens, they don't want to be around him when he is acting "stupid".

They are starting to take that advice and doing fine - XDH can be an a$$ as you mentioned and everyone knows it.

Hope you don't mind my .02

 

[LasVegasFitGirl]

I agree...

I say you shouldn't be expected to perform the ceremonious acts of a religion just because the funeral of the person of whom you are attending is being held in that particular religious church.