So distraught - please give some advice

[HopefulMum]

I am a lurker at this forum but wanted to post to get some advice. DH and I decided to start trying for a baby a few months ago now and with every month when it doesn't happen, I get so despondent. It's now very difficult for the pressure not to be on when I'm ovulating and DH is really resenting it and has become apathetic about sex at that time and often refuses to have sex!! No, he is not having an affair just resents having to concentrate our love-making around that particular time of the month. Yet the fact is if we don't have sex at certain times of the month, it ain't gonna happen.

I am really really down now. How can any woman be laid back and relaxed about conceiving when it's our bodies that are so limited in terms of ovulation? Men just don't seem to have the same burden or responsibility and it is so difficult.

It's beginning to affect absolutely every area of our lives and I'm wondering if it was like this for everyone or if it's just us? There is absolutely no-one I know that I would like to talk to about this as already the whole family has been expecting a child from us for ages. Well, the pressure now is too much. Every time now I hear that another friend or even celebrity is pregnant, I am so upset. And people who get pregnant with ease can, at times, make extremely insensitive remarks to those that don't. It's very distressing.

BTW, we are both under 30.

Can anyone offer any words of wisdom? I'm really upset about this.

 

[Steppingup]

I can understand your distress. It took us 8 months to conceive and I know that it sometimes takes longer than that for some people. My sister-in-law got pregnant two times, both on the first try. I called her fertile myrtle. Every month I was disappointed also and was wondering if there was something wrong with me. Everyone is different and you really do need to relax as much as possible. I believe stress can hinder your efforts. No one should be putting pressure on you. It's not their life, it's yours. IF you can stop dewelling on it so much it will happen. I realize that is easier said than done. That's about all I have to offer for now. Maybe if you do a yoga tape before the attempt to conceive you might be more relaxed. Just a thought!!! Hope this helps you a little.

Kelly http://www.sgtfuzzbubble99.homestead.com/files/Smilies/De_Niro/eeyore.gif

 

[tryin2bfit]

I feel for you and can imagine what you are going through. We have 3 wonderful children now, but tried for at least 2 years before successfully having our first child. My cycles were practically non-existent and I was taking fertility pills as well as pills to regulate my period. I had also suffered a miscarriage.

My husband, too, expressed annoyance at what he saw as a "mission" rather than anything else. I was very stressed about not getting pregnant while everyone around me was. My best friend had 2 unplanned pregnancies while I was trying for one. The doctors told me I was too young to worry about it.

Finally, I had dye flushed through my tubes to clear them out. That night, me and DH had a drink, celebrating my new job, and lo and behold, our daughter (now 8) was conceived (I was 28 when she was born and we had been married 8 years by then).

I know it's hard. Maybe try to shift the focus with your husband to HIM, not making a baby. I know how all-encompassing it can be, but sometimes men just don't understand how important it is to us. Good luck to you.

Sandi

 

[Hazel]

I imagine that anyone who has ever decided to have a baby and then had to try to get pregnant understands what you are going through. It seems odd, doesn't it -- you spend your entire young adult life trying to avoid getting pregnant, you figure once you're no longer using protection, it'll just happen in a flash. Hubby and I tried for 5 or 6 months with the first baby, and like you, I felt so disappointed each month when my period would start.

The good news is that some extremely high percentage of couples (can't remember exactly how high, but at least 75-80%) will become pregnant within 12 months of starting their attempts to conceive. So the fact that you haven't conceived after a few months doesn't mean that you can't or won't.

Of course, I know that saying that doesn't help relieve the pressure you feel to conceive NOW. But given that you and your husband are still young, maybe you could take a month or two off from "officially" trying and just enjoy the practice? I agree with what others have said -- the stress may well be hindering your efforts. How many times have you heard of people who have been trying for months or even years and then either give up or adopt and find themselves pregnant within a month? I can think of three people in my circle of friends to whom this has happened (my one friend, who is due in September, swears that there's no way she could have gotten pregnant because she and her husband weren't even in the same city during the entire month she supposedly conceived!).

Anyway, I guess my advice would to take a step back, just for a brief time, and take some pressure off yourself, which by extension should help your husband feel less pressure and more interest.

I hope that helps and that you'll have some good news in the very near future. I'll keep a good thought for you.

Hazel

 

[rockette]

I don't know what "techniques" you've tried but I've read that's it's better if the sperm is there "waiting" for the egg and having intercourse every other day helps as well. So if you normally ovulate on the 14th day of the month you'd want to have sex on the 11th day and the 13th day of the month. This is something my husband and I tried. I know it's easier said then done but try to relax and look at it this way, you've only been trying for a few months. Don't be so hard on yourselves.

 

[Frizzard]

I can understand what you are going through. I went off the pill in August and was frustrated when I didn't get pregnant immediately. I did get pregnant in October, but miscarried shortly after. A friend recommended an excellent book to me by Tony Weschler "Taking charge of your fertility". I thought I knew when I ovulated, but this was an excellent book and a real eye opener. It was really a great help for me. I conceived on Christmas and am now 5 weeks pregnant. I wish you the best of luck!! Take care!

 

[sjmarq]

I don't know what methods you are using to track your ovulation but my advice would be not to share the timing with your husband. Have sex often and regularly all month long - then at least HE doesn't feel the pressure and can just enjoy the experience. Having one person worry about it is plenty. We used to ask each other "Would you like to PRACTICE making a baby tonight?" Made it a little light hearted/enjoyable way of looking at it.

It took me 9 mo to conceive both of our kids and I can identify with your stress. First pregnancy try I told relatives/friends 'Deciding to have children is a very personal decision and I will let you know when we are going to have them. Please do not ask me if I am pregnant or when I will become so.' The direct approach really helped and I stopped getting asked those insensitive questions about when we were going to have kids. I also would just cry inside if not out every time I heard of another friend getting pregnant or seeing new babies at church. It helped when I changed my attitude to one of joy for that person and not regret over my own inability to concieve when I wanted. You cannot control the outcome, but you do control your attitudes and reactions. Life is only 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react. Choose joy.