I agree with fitness goddess and Dawn's posts. I especially agree with the statement, "You are the parent, not the friend." Why encourage this in your home at all? I rarely respond to these types of posts, but let's also not forget all the diseases out there. Many young women think that they are immune to diseases. As a parent, we should discourage instead of encourage.
SEX AND TEENAGERS - HELP WANTED
- Thread starter claridge
- Start date
Hi Claridge,
Well, from 14 to almost 19, I had a steady boyfriend that was two years older than me. We almost always hung out at his house after his parents went to sleep. At my house, my mother made him leave when she went to bed. After high school, about when I turned 18, I started to have sleepovers at his house. He checked with his parents first, and I convinced mine. He only lived a few blocks away, but we always hung out late and watched movies, and parking in our area is terrible. The driver was always stuck looking literally for at least an hour for parking. My parents never let him sleep at my house. My mother just wasn’t okay with it.
My mother never had a problem with me spending the night at a party, though. Whenever someone had a big late-night party, many of my friends would spend the night. My boyfriend was never at these parties because he really never hung out with my friends.
So, from my experience, the answers to your questions:
1. Yes, your children should ask your permission for sleepovers. If the “we were watching a movie and fell asleep” situation occurs, I’d say just to let me know ahead of time if you even think there is a possibility that it might happen so I’m not surprised when I see someone in your room in the morning. Also, I’d ask that they just mention it if possible instead of just going ahead and doing it whenever they like. It’s not constantly asking permission; it’s just courteous.
2. I didn’t have a spare room either. One of us would sleep on the bed and the other on the floor. I wouldn’t condone sleeping in the same bed even if nothing sexual is going on. It’s just disrespectful. Also, I’d wait until your kids ask before you offer, unless one of their significant others lives far away and has to drive a long distance home at night.
3. I would not inform the partner’s parents, but I would, in passing, say something like, “Is it okay with your parents that you spend the night?” “If they’d ever like to talk to me about it, please let me know.”
4. I don’t think it makes a huge difference whether you have one, two or three partners spending the night, as long as each “belongs” to a different child lol. If they are all around the same age, they are bound to think, “If he‘s allowed to, I must be too.” Still, I think each one should ask.
5. More than twice a week is too often, IMHO. Two nights in a row may even be okay if it is a weekend, but more than that is a little much.
6. You aren’t being old fashioned at all- just the opposite. You are smart to acknowledge that your kids may have had sexual relationships before. Sleeping over does not always equal sex. If your kids are in their room with a partner and the door is closed, there is just as much opportunity in the middle of the day as there is when everyone is sleeping. About your son having a few casual girlfriends- I think sleepovers should be reserved for more serious partners. If your child genuinely likes and cares for someone and thinks enough of them to bring them home and introduce them to you, this is the type of person that you might consider as okay for sleepovers. Casual partners or brand new partners probably shouldn’t sleep over, again, IMHO.
If you feel more comfortable telling your own kid to sleep on the couch and give the partner his or her room, that’s okay too. They can hang out as long as they like, but when they go to sleep, sleep in different places.
Edited to say that a lot of the decision has to do with maturity. Sometimes, although rarely, a 19 year old can be as mature as a 26 year old. You know your kids best, and you should trust your judgment.
Good luck!
Well, from 14 to almost 19, I had a steady boyfriend that was two years older than me. We almost always hung out at his house after his parents went to sleep. At my house, my mother made him leave when she went to bed. After high school, about when I turned 18, I started to have sleepovers at his house. He checked with his parents first, and I convinced mine. He only lived a few blocks away, but we always hung out late and watched movies, and parking in our area is terrible. The driver was always stuck looking literally for at least an hour for parking. My parents never let him sleep at my house. My mother just wasn’t okay with it.
My mother never had a problem with me spending the night at a party, though. Whenever someone had a big late-night party, many of my friends would spend the night. My boyfriend was never at these parties because he really never hung out with my friends.
So, from my experience, the answers to your questions:
1. Yes, your children should ask your permission for sleepovers. If the “we were watching a movie and fell asleep” situation occurs, I’d say just to let me know ahead of time if you even think there is a possibility that it might happen so I’m not surprised when I see someone in your room in the morning. Also, I’d ask that they just mention it if possible instead of just going ahead and doing it whenever they like. It’s not constantly asking permission; it’s just courteous.
2. I didn’t have a spare room either. One of us would sleep on the bed and the other on the floor. I wouldn’t condone sleeping in the same bed even if nothing sexual is going on. It’s just disrespectful. Also, I’d wait until your kids ask before you offer, unless one of their significant others lives far away and has to drive a long distance home at night.
3. I would not inform the partner’s parents, but I would, in passing, say something like, “Is it okay with your parents that you spend the night?” “If they’d ever like to talk to me about it, please let me know.”
4. I don’t think it makes a huge difference whether you have one, two or three partners spending the night, as long as each “belongs” to a different child lol. If they are all around the same age, they are bound to think, “If he‘s allowed to, I must be too.” Still, I think each one should ask.
5. More than twice a week is too often, IMHO. Two nights in a row may even be okay if it is a weekend, but more than that is a little much.
6. You aren’t being old fashioned at all- just the opposite. You are smart to acknowledge that your kids may have had sexual relationships before. Sleeping over does not always equal sex. If your kids are in their room with a partner and the door is closed, there is just as much opportunity in the middle of the day as there is when everyone is sleeping. About your son having a few casual girlfriends- I think sleepovers should be reserved for more serious partners. If your child genuinely likes and cares for someone and thinks enough of them to bring them home and introduce them to you, this is the type of person that you might consider as okay for sleepovers. Casual partners or brand new partners probably shouldn’t sleep over, again, IMHO.
If you feel more comfortable telling your own kid to sleep on the couch and give the partner his or her room, that’s okay too. They can hang out as long as they like, but when they go to sleep, sleep in different places.
Edited to say that a lot of the decision has to do with maturity. Sometimes, although rarely, a 19 year old can be as mature as a 26 year old. You know your kids best, and you should trust your judgment.
Good luck!
JMFRANE
Cathlete
I have two daughters and we did not allow any sleep overs with their boyfriends. Even when they came home from college we did not allow it. Now, my oldest has her own place (she is 22), has a great job and very independent and now she can have who ever she wants sleep over.
Joanne
Joanne
Thank you EVERYONE for your honesty, views and suggestions 
I surpose I feel that you only get ONE chance to get it RIGHT with your kids, with every situation presented - and "thats" scary!!
Most of you have also confirmed, that what I was really feeling about the situation was the RIGHT one - none of the childrens partners should sleep in the same bedroom as they are, BUT are more than welcome to sleep on the couch OR in another sibblings room, and this shouldnt become a HABIT every week. I am expecting SOME argument from my kids, but nothing that will damage our relationship. (I hope!!!!)
In answer to some of the questions YOU guys posted:
Yes, they are all over 18yrs as are their partners
Yes, they do practice "safe sex"
and I DO admit to trying to be a FRIEND more than a PARENT sometimes (will work on that one)
So from a parent "STILL IN PRACTICE" - thank you again
I surpose I feel that you only get ONE chance to get it RIGHT with your kids, with every situation presented - and "thats" scary!!
Most of you have also confirmed, that what I was really feeling about the situation was the RIGHT one - none of the childrens partners should sleep in the same bedroom as they are, BUT are more than welcome to sleep on the couch OR in another sibblings room, and this shouldnt become a HABIT every week. I am expecting SOME argument from my kids, but nothing that will damage our relationship. (I hope!!!!)
In answer to some of the questions YOU guys posted:
Yes, they are all over 18yrs as are their partners
Yes, they do practice "safe sex"
and I DO admit to trying to be a FRIEND more than a PARENT sometimes (will work on that one)
So from a parent "STILL IN PRACTICE" - thank you again