SEX AND TEENAGERS - HELP WANTED

C

claridge

Cathlete
To ANYONE and EVERYONE who have gone through this stage, or have yet too!

My 3 children (2 girls, 1 boy) are all over seventeen, and are now at the age of having "partners".

Now I dont mind that their partners come for dinner and stay awhile, but sometimes they stay WAY!!!!! past my bedtime (11pm), and I just know the day is going to come when they will "SLEEP" over.

The questions I have......

1 Should my children ask my and DH permission first before let their partners sleep over?

2 Should I be the one to offer a "bed" first? Now we dont have a spare room, so they will be in the same bedroom - (all our children have their own rooms)

3 Should I inform the "partners" parents that they stay over and share a room?

4 Whats good for the goose is good for the gander - so we may have ALL 3
partners stay in one night.

5 If I allow this to happen, how often is TOO often and should I be charging room and board? (Im kidding about the room and board)

6 Am I being very old fashioned here? I dont want to be a fuddy duddy but also dont want to be closed minded. As much as it horrifies my DH (especially my DH in reference to our daughters) Im sure they have all had sexual relationships before.

My son is the biggest worry to me! He has a few very "casual" girlfriends so his bedroom may end up with a revolving door (I dont mean that to sound as cheap as it does)

Ohhh - forgot to mention - all the bedroom walls are very thin in our house.

ANY comments or suggestions welcomed


:)
 
You sound like a fantastic Mother. I think you're doing an amazing job and i you should be really proud of yourself.I'm only 26, so this is coming from what i think is acceptable. As you say, they are all or have probably had sexual relations before either with there current partners or others before. Though i'm sure this isn't something you choose to dwell on!!! It probably is a fact. So getting to the point...should you allow the partners to sleep over? Yes...Sleep over. Have sex in your house...i don't think so. I would sit them down, explain to them them that you don't mind them sleeping over (occasionally - and one at a time) but that you do not feel comfortable with them having sexual relations in your home at this moment.
My Mother would never let my girl-friends sleep over in the same room...silly really as i was always gay! But i knew she has the right intentions.
Good luck and you should like an amazing Mother.
Wayne.
 
I had to laugh at the subject line, even though I knew where you were headed. It sounds like an ad! ;-)

I have an almost 20 yr old daughter. She has been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful 22 year old (well, he started out being 20, of course)

He sleeps over, some. But they are discreet, are quiet wherever they are in the house after my fuddy-duddy bones pass out at 11 pm. I just don't want him over a lot because it's intrusive, no matter how nice he is. And he is as nice and polite a guest as can be, which I insist on.

I want them to have a place to sleep, rather than having to hang out in cars, grimy student apartment rooms of friends, etc. I'd just as soon they were here. His parents are old-fashioned and wont let my daughter stay over there, so I let them stay over here. It is fine. Of course, if I had three of them, I honestly don't think I could stand the zoolike atmosphere!

Just demand quiet and respect. I respectfully disagree with Wayne about asking them to sleep but not have sex. That ain't gonna happen! :p But they can be quiet, neat, clean and good guests.

If that isn't possible, change the rules and don't let them sleep over.

Oh, I am not a religious person, so my morals just come from what I think makes sense, and not what some imaginary beings have written in a book. I'm sure you know what the "answer" is if you ask religious people what to do.
 
Good morning. I will be in your shoes in a few years and am not looking foward to it!

When dh and I were engaged, sometimes I would sleep over. But I was either on the couch or shared his sisters room. I would have NEVER even considered sharing a room with him in his parents house, just out of respect for them. Of couse we were "active" but that was our business. We took care of things out of sight and mind of other people. LOL, Renee
 
You've gotten some interesting responses to your questions but I'm on the other end of the spectrum with my gut responses to them. I have a 19 year old daughter (only child), who is still a virgin. THANK GOD! We've raised her to wait until marriage & she is dating her high school sweetheart whom respects that in her (& is probably a virgin himself). We don't live under a rock & no my head is not in the sand. My daughter is very open with me regarding her relationships. I don't nag, she comes to me when she wants to talk.

So, here are my responses to you...REMEMBER THESE ARE MY OPINIONS and at the end of the day, you have to make these choices. What we think really doesn't matter.

1 Should my children ask my and DH permission first before let their partners sleep over?

Yes, they should & your answer should be respected no matter what the answer. If you decide you don't want the "partners" spending the night, there should be no argument from your children.

The only way I would allow my daughter's boyfriend to spend the night is if there was no way he could get home safely--a major freak snow storm that came up so suddenly we didn't realize he would be stranded. LOL

2 Should I be the one to offer a "bed" first? Now we dont have a spare room, so they will be in the same bedroom - (all our children have their own rooms)

Your children's ages but I'm of the opinion that your children should have enough respect for you to send their "partners" home at a decent hour. Your son should have enough respect for his girlfriend(s) to take her home at a decent hour.

3 Should I inform the "partners" parents that they stay over and share a room?

If the "partners" are under the age of 18, ABSOLUTELY. The other parents may not be as open about this as you are. I certainly would not allow my daughter to stay at her boyfriend's home & share a room.

You don't mention your children's age but I can tell you that here in the Philadelphia area, we have had a couple of law suits stem from parents allowing their children to have sex in their homes (one case a mother got a room for her son to have sex with a girl-that mother got jail time).

If your children are over the age of 18, I would suggest to the "partners" that they call home as a courtesy to their parents.

5 If I allow this to happen, how often is TOO often and should I be charging room and board? (Im kidding about the room and board)

I'll answer this question with a question--do your own children pay room & board? If they do, then absolutely charge the "guests" room & board. Heck, between the 2, your children & their partners might be able to afford their own apartment.


6 Am I being very old fashioned here? I dont want to be a fuddy duddy but also dont want to be closed minded. As much as it horrifies my DH (especially my DH in reference to our daughters) Im sure they have all had sexual relationships before.

No, you are not being a fuddy duddy...Not allowing your children to have sex in your home with your knowledge is not being close minded. It is your home, you raised your children to live by your rules. That should extend to this. If they live under your roof, you should still be "mom enough" to continue to enforce whatever rules you want.

If you are sure they've had sexual relations before it is your responsibility to make sure they know the risks involved.

We now have STDs that can hide for many months and do irreversible damage before being discovered. Your daughters should be having regular paps & be tested for chlamydia. Condoms don't guarantee they won't contract an STD or even HIV.

HPV can hide for years before it manifests itself. Genital warts do not necessarily manifest in "warts," a man can carry the disearse & not have symptoms. Men don't seem to have the repercussions that women do but still...Do the research, I'm not trying to scare you.


In my opinion your thin walls are the least of your worries. We are no longer living in a day when "free sex" is truly "free." There are too many risks. Pregnancy is the very least of them.

So, that's my .02. You said any & all opinions are welcome. That's my opinion of the situation. Whatever you decide, you, your husband & children have to be the ones to live with it.
 
NO FRIGGIN WAY!!

. .and if they were my children they wouldn't be allowed to sleep over at there place either. . not as long as they are living under my house and we are paying the bills . . if they want to do this they can get a job, get an apartment or home to rent and do whatever . .

. .the only way I would let that happen is if they couldn't get home safely . . like two feet of snow or a monsoon . .

We know of some people that allowed things like this to happen and guess what? All three kids now have kids and they are all living at the parents home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know this sounds harsh and I am truly not a prude but the line has to be drawn somewhere . . like your front door . .
Dawn
 
I agree with Dawn BIG time. If you allow them to do that, they could take advantage of you by bringing more people over, different people. NO WAY. Also, not to sound prude, ladies shouldn't be having a guy over NO MATTER IF SHE'S IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. If she does it elsewhere, that's her business. Your son shouldn't have girls overnight either. He should be more of a gentleman. If there's a GOOD reason for the person to stay overnight, then have them sleep on the couch or have your son sleep on the couch, and the person on his bed. Have his girlfriend sleep with your daughter, etc. All in all, I wouldn't let them sleep over or let my kids sleep over there either. I'm pretty strict about this stuff although my sons are only 2 and 8 months. I have plenty of time to worry about that.
 
Claridge,

I don't have advice for you here because I believe each parent must make their own decision. I do have a question, "Do your children use birth control?".

Making it easier for "partners" to sleep together will allow a higher incidence of sexual contact, IMHO. Unless you want to be a young grandparent, or have your son paying child support, BIRTH CONTROL should be a MAJOR consideration.

Good luck
:)
 
Hi all,
I think that while your children are living with you and since it "horrifies" you and your dh to think that your children are sexually active, I would not not allow them to have their partners sleep over. And if there are some rare occasions when the partners do need to stay over for a unforseen reason, let him/her sleep on the sofa. If you let your children know how you feel, they should respect you to abide by your rules. So what if they are over 17? As someone mentioned, you are the ones paying the bills.

My mother always raised all of us to wait until marriage, so When I lived at home, it was clear to us that we should not have our partners spend the night, and I respected that. I no longer live at home, so I'll sleep over my bf's place or he'll sleep over my place. But my boyfriend and I will be going to my parent's during Xmas. Although I am 29, there is no way that we will be sleeping in the same bed.

Don't worry about sounding old fashion. I'm still a virgin, probably the last one left at my age. I'm OK with that (although my bf isn't too happy with that)and will encourage my children to do the same. It may be different from the norm, but there is nothing wrong with it.

That just my $.02.
Lorrie
 
I may be old fashioned, but I wouldn't allow their "partners" to stay over in the same room. Your daughter's boyfriend could bunk with one of your boys and the same with your son's girlfriends. I would only allow them to stay over if there has been some alcohol consumed. If they don't want to stay in the sibling's room, have them sleep on the couch.

As a parent, you definitely make the rules here. I don't think it's at all something to be ashamed of, "being old-fashioned". Too many problems that go on with kids today are from parents that are too lax with discipline and try to be "friends" instead of parents.

When my 4 year old daughter gets mad at me and says, "you're not my friend anymore", I respond, "I never was. I'm your mother. That's better than a friend."
 
Hi claridge,

I'm guessing by your post that your children are all adults (18 and over).

IMO, if they want these kinds of adult freedoms, then they should do them as adults on their own ticket...not in your house.

I recommend that they move out and start assuming ALL adult responsibilities.
 
Well put Donna!

I am going to add that come-back to my repetoire for my son.

Like I say - who is the parent and who is the child???
Dawn
 
Something to laugh at. My Mother would never let my "girl"friends sleep over (for fear of sex or worse...babies!) but would have no worries about letting me share a bed with my male frineds! I bet she is kicking herself now!!! lol
 
When my 4 year old daughter gets mad at me and says, "you're not my friend anymore", I respond, "I never was. I'm your mother. That's better than a friend."

Donna - I love your response to your four year old. As the mother of a 17 year old daughter, I agree with that statement. For the record, my history has no relevance to what I will allow my daughter to do. I preach abstinence until marriage. It's a different world today, true. And I believe that more guidance and boundaries are necessary for teens today.
 
Just another view from the daughter's perspective:

I am now married but my husband and I lived together before we were even engaged - we moved in together when I was 25 and he was 30. We tend to spend the night at my folks house about 1-3 times per year and we have never shared a bed. Even though we were living together in our own home - at Mom and Dad's house we slept separately.

It never bothered me and it never bothered my (now) husband. It was out of respect for my parents because it was the way they thought things should be (and it was their home!).

Interesting, we will be there on Christmas Eve this year to spend the night and it will be the first time as a married couple - I think it will still be weird to sleep in the same room at my folk's house!!!

It sounds like you and your husband are trying to make the best decision for your kids and that's what's important - good for you!

Mikie
 
Mikie,

This sounds sort of funny but my now DH and I spent the night at his parents about 6 years ago before we were married and we stayed in separate rooms out of respect.

I was 43 and he was 39 and we were living together at the time.

I do want to add though, that when I was young, I didn't hold on to my virginity for dear life. I'm glad I didn't. I don't feel like I was a loose woman. I look back at the sexual experimentation I did and I'm glad I did it. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I've always enjoyed sex and think its just one aspect of being a living, breathing organism. I was never taught it was dirty or something to be ashamed of...but an experience to share with someone I cared about. At the ripe old age of 50, I'm glad I had some pretty good rolls in the hay}(
 
I agree with some of the others. You sound like you are afraid to set family rules in your own home. Where does that come from ?

I've taught my own boys that this is my home and I make the rules. I'm not an authoritative (meanie) parent. I am authoritative (flexibly firm).

I think it is important to teach your children and their friends that it is good manners to respect the household. It is inappropriate to invite your friends to sleep over and not get approval from the parents.

I would suggest you have a family counsel and set the rules that you want to have.

Danna
 
I'm 22 and my (now) fiancee is 25. We've been together for 6 yrs and I still live at home. He's never spent the night in my room and that's because my parents wanted it that way - and it's their house so it's their rules. I admire you for being as open-minded as you seem to be but just keep in mind that you are the disciplinarian. I agree with what was said before - being too lax is not good either.

Oh, and just because he didn't stay in my room doesn't mean that I didnt't sneak out of my room to find him...! }( So just keep that in mind if you decide to let the "partners" sleep in a sibling's room.

Good luck with your decision!!
 
I want to amend to my response - since your daughter is under 18, I definitely think you've got to put some boundaries on it. If she were 22, like the other poster's, I would look at it differently. Once I went away to college, I had a whole new set of rules when I came home to visit. In other words...there were none. But I also have been living independantly since I was 19. But you know what? Out of respect for my parents, I wouldn't have sex even with my husband in their house (especially if they were home). That actually skeeves me out!
 
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