Self confidence . . .

C

Chrissysu

Cathlete
. . . how do you get it? I'm really not joking - this baffles me. This is a self-confidence check-post. I can't believe how much I doubt myself with almost everything in life (career, exercise, diet, etc.). Where the heck did this come from?

I'm just about sick of it. How do you self-confident people do it?

Sorry sooo off topic, but I've had a rough day and just realized some things about myself.

Chrissy
 
It has a lot to do with your internal dialogue. What are you saying to yourself...about yourself??

Let me ask you this...what do you think comes first...what we say about ourself, what we believe about ourself, or how we are?

The answer is...we say it first, believe it, then become it. What do you want to believe about yourself?
 
Hi Chrissy,

What a brave and honest question for you to ask on such a public forum. I like Sara's answer very much.

If I may add just a few thoughts:

A lot of self confidence is derived in our early years, in fact as early as infancy with the messages that we receive from our parents and/or guardians.

However, the beautiful thing about developing self confidence (or a healthy "self esteem")is that one can begin at any age. Sara is on the money. It begins with what we tell ourselves, what we believe about ourselves, then gradually you begin to exude this and lastly you manifest into your life people and things that or compatible with your beliefs.

There are a multitude of self help books and audio tapes that address just this topic. And even being blessed with a very empowering childhood with parents that consistently sent me positive messages, I still worked hard to continue and to develop my own self confidence.

Go for it...it's part of your life's journey!

X
X
 
I think Sarah is right too. Listen to your inner dialogue. Do you find yourself saying things like "I can't... I'm not.... I'll never..." a lot? Because these things then just become self-fulfilling. If you keep telling yourself that you can't do something, or that you aren't good enough, or even that you have no self-confidence, then you won't do it, you won't be good enough and you definitely will leech any bit of self-confidence you may have had right out of you.

So, start by telling yourself "I CAN... I AM.... I WILL....". At first it may seem a bit silly. But I bet you'll find that soon, you'll find yourself more confident in your abilities, more aware of your strengths and less hesitant about life, work and everything:)
 
I've been going through that for the past year. Actually it's kinda cyclical for me. I went to a book store and bought some self-help workbooks. This one is pretty good: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/15...103-5527369-9188658?n=507846&s=books&v=glance

It helps step you through actual situations on what happened, how you felt and trying to rationalize what was actually going on.

This is one of the other ones I got:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/07...103-5527369-9188658?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

It's Don't Sweat the Small stuff Workbook, because I was letting every little thing bother me.

What has also helped is talking to someone...i.e. a professional, a friend, family member or anyone who can be objective.

And to top it all off...I started exercising again. I realized I wasn't challenging myself with my Kathy Smith videos but I did them because they were easy and the few Cathe videos I had were hard. BUT...If I wanted to see any type of results and boost my self esteem about my body "I" was the one who needed to take move forward and challenge myself. Long story short...I now own all Cathe's w/o and have never felt better when it comes to my workouts.

The other stuff will come. I agree with the other posts about the internal dialog. Check out some of the Franklin Covey books, "What matters most", "First things first", and "7 Habits for Highly Effective People". Those also have some great ideas on how to shift your thoughts or paradigms into more positive thinking!

I know that's a lot of info, but I hope it helps. Just believe in yourself, you know you ROCK!

Jeanette:p
 
Self dialogue is very important but so is wisdom. As I grew older, my confidence also grew. Mostly because I started making better choices in life. Success builds upon success but it's important not to write thoses successes off as a fluke. You must recognize yourself when things go well because, chances are, your choices and behavior are to blame :)
 
Chrissy,

You got some great answers here. I just want to add that for me it's a constant work in progress. It's not something that is suddenly there, it's something you keep building on all throughout your life.

In addition to speaking positively to yourself, another thing you can do is surround yourself with people who TRULY believe in you and your potential. People who reflect back to you what you think is best about yourself. That really helps me stay positive. And when I'm with people who have a tendency to put me down (like my parents), I have learned to stand up for myself and even make a scene in a restaurant to put them in their place! (Okay, that takes longer. Took me 48 years.)

Another thing you can do is start to do things you feel good about, like taking a course to make you better at your job or something. A little goes a long way. And ALWAYS credit yourself for accomplishments, small or large.

Good luck!
-Nancy
 
There is alot of good advice here already. I don't have much to add, except that Shelley said something a while back that hit home for me. Forgive me,Shelley, if I don't get this right. "We are all a mess inside. It's what we do on the outside that shows character." Focus on what you have achieved and set new goals. Don't focus on past mistakes or failures. They are the past. You are a special, unique person and have special, unique talents. Go for it, girl.
 
Call me crazy, but I don't even think. Like honeybunch and Nike say, Just do it! And I do.

Also, I have a rule regarding all the yakking that goes on around me, a lot of which can be mean and destructive -- If what is said can not be relevant in my life, my perspectives, my beliefs, AND to the family I care for, it's junk. I live my life on my own terms.

Pinky
 
Some great advice and here is my little tidbit to add.

I carry a whole pocket full of "mental postcards". My mental postcards are things that made me feel good - holding my babies for the first time, a kiss on my first real date, seeing my husband standing at our wedding, the first time I climbed a mountain, a time when I gave a presentation at work and got a standing ovation....etc, etc...

It can even be something little - like fitting into a pair of pants or not having any cavities at the dentist!

When I feel my self confidence sink, I pull out a postcard. I try to recreate that feeling in my head and it really helps me. As I have added postcards, my confidence has increased. This kind of goes the the prior post of eliminating "I can't" and making it "I can". The mental postcards tell me "I did it!"

Melissa

Keep your head in line. Your butt will follow.

http://www.picturetrail.com/pellmel
 
Chrissy, If you get a chance, I'd love it if you could answer my question...what do you want to believe about yourself??

I also want to add...there is no such thing as "mistakes in life" and bad experiences...only LEARNING EXPERIENCES. If we didn't have them, we have nothing to learn and grow off of. We need them.
 
http://www.holistic-online.com/hol_neurolinguistic.htm#Introduction

Chrissy you have some great advice here, a dear friend of mine was able to turn her life around and become a beacon for others through Neurolinguistic programming. The introduction talks about illness but the principles can be applied in all aspects of our lives. I am not promoting this path in particular but thought you might like to peruse it as you consider and digest all of the wonderful advice given to you here.

I am going to suggest also that you look at your posture. It's amazing how our bodies can subtley and not so subtley reveal some of what's going on inside. What is also amazing is that when you present yourself confidently through good posture it can change how you feel on the inside. This won't happen on the first day but with practise, time and other strategies to boost your self-confidence the changes will come, never, never doubt that!:)

Take Care
Laurie
 
This is a great thread. For me part of developing self-esteem was also letting go of some of the unrealistic "ideals" that are propagated in our society. One way to do that is to be careful about the media I allow into my life. For example, I really don't read many magazines any longer (even though I am something of a celebrity gossip addict). The airbrushed, perfect pictures of perfect-looking people triggers insecurity about myself and dissatisfaction with my body - which is actually quite nice, but I'd never believe it if I constantly compared myself to someone who works out 4 hours a day or starves themselves or gets loads of plastic surgery.

I used to read Vogue and such mags but haven't in years; I picked it up at the hairdresser's recently and found myself laughing out loud at a column in which the writer was freaking out because she only had $10,000 to devote to her WINTER wardrobe. At one time I would have felt less-than because obviously I am not devoting a tenth of that to mine, but because that stuff isn't part of my daily life any longer, it just struck me as funny and ridiculous.

Anyway, good luck. Remember, humans are imperfect by design. You should love yourself just for being you.

Marie
 
Great suggestions in this thread. I think in one way or another, most people deal with lack of confidence--just that some folks hide it better than others. I find that it has gotten somewhat easier as I get older, though it is still a constant battle.

Marie--I have to agree with you about magazines. I hardly read "women's" magazines anymore because of the body images that they present. (I also got sick of the constant diet/makeup/hair advice, but that's a topic for another thread.)
 
Oh my gosh! You all are so wonderful! I posted this thinking I'd get a couple responses, and I check back today and see LOADS of responses!

I appreciate everything that you all have said, and a lot of what you are saying IS applying to me. When I get in a situation, instead of saying I CAN do it right away, I've been saying something more like,"What are all the obstacles that could get in the way. " Then I try to picture myself going through those obstacles. Sometimes I visualize that I can, and sometimes I visualize myself getting frustrated - but EVENTUALLY I get through it - if that makes sense?

I want to be more like, "I can do this - there are no other thoughts to it!"

I REALLY noticed this lately because I've been applying for National Board Certification for teaching, and I noticed that in all of my writings, I say things like, "I want the students to be able to . . ." instead of "The students will be able to do this . . ." My mentors pointed this out to me. And because this whole process is so self-reflective, I've not only been analyzing myself as a teacher, but as a general person.

I've also been having a ROUGH year with the kids - have been exercising less, eating worse and have put 20 lbs back on in the last couple years.

At times, I feel out of control, but I know deep down, that I can easily gain control, I just have to DO it! I know the changes I need to make, and I know who I can rely on for support, so for goodness sakes, I just have to do it!

Thanks for listening!

Chrissy
 
I vote you start by changing your internal dialogue. Scratch the "I can"...let's here "I will". "I can" is pretty good, though.

Tell yourself self several times a day "I am a great teacher, I am in total control, I am in awesome shape and exercise X amount of times per week, I eat really healthy, I am losing weight and getting stronger every day, I'm a freaking rock star".

At first, this feels weird if you don't believe it. Say it anyway! Then you will believe it, then you will BE it.

Think about what you want for yourself and what you want to be. Tell yourself over and over that you ALREADY are, in the PRESENT TENSE and it will all fall into place. If you say it in the future tense, it stays in the future tense...a goal never acheived.

Now, on those obstacles...acknowledge them and them say "but it doesn't matter, I'm doing this anyway, it just doesn't matter"
 
Umm, I am reading some stuff on "goal setting" which sortof is like internal dialogue. You write down statements about yourself in the present, like "I am beautiful", "I am confident and have no problems dealing with everyday life", blah, blah. Anyway, you write a bunch of these down on a piece of paper and read them several times/day. Preferably OUT LOUD. Even better, rewrite them. When you catch yourself talking negative about yourself, read them outloud instead. It is supposed to really change how you feel about yourself inside. Your subconcious hears it and eventually believes it. It does not matter that it may be a lie....your mind will eventually believe it. Just like if all your life you were told you were "stupid", well, you eventually believed it even though you managed to get your PHd...Get it?????

Hey, I am gonna try it. What can it hurt?????;)
 
Ya know I've been wondering the same thing! I vowed to make this my best year ever. I sat down and had a long heart to heart with my hubby over the weekend.We decided I am actually going to go talk to someone to find out why I feel the way I do about myself. I have finally reached the point like you that I am sick of it and refuse to be like this anymore. Throgh our work we have councelors that you can go to for help and I am seeing someone next week. I am actaully a bit scared and excited. Susan
 
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