SAHMs, I need some advice!

H

Hazel

Guest
After much debate and soul-searching, I have decided (together with my DH) to stay home after baby #2 arrives in August. This was a tough decision for us, and I'm excited for the new adventure (I've continued to work full-time since my first was 4 months old), but also starting to get a bit nervous now that my boss has hired a replacement for me and there's no turning back.

What makes me nervous is this: what am I going to do with myself all day? I hope that doesn't sound too bad or condescending -- I don't mean to imply that I think SAHMs sit around all day doing nothing, because I don't have any illusions in that regard. (And please, PLEASE, I really don't mean to start a big debate about working outside the home v. staying at home with the kids. I fully respect both those choices, as I know you all do too.) I'm more just wondering exactly what to do from day to day to avoid getting too isolated and keep the kids active and happy. There aren't very many other new moms in my neighborhood (most of our neighbors are into grandkids by now) and I've never been a great "joiner" anyway. Most of my non-video pursuits are pretty solitary and quiet, not very interesting for the under-5 crowd, at least for very long. On the other hand, I don't want to fall into the trap of overscheduling and overstressing planned activities -- I want the kids to have plenty of unstructured time as well.

So I was hoping some of you veteran SAHMs could give me some ideas as to what you do on a typical day. Do you more or less plan your days/weeks to some extent or do you just sort of wing it from day to day? How do you find out about interesting things to take the kids to that fit within a (newly reduced) budget? How have you met other moms in your town?

I would really welcome some ideas and suggestions as I get ready to start this new phase of my life. Thanks in advance for the help!

Hazel
 
Hazel, I'm a half and half!

Dear Hazel,

You sound a lot like me in personality! And we have the common thread of teaching Body Pump.

I decided that when I had Sarah, that I would be a SAHM. Initially it did seem OK, but the day became really routine for me (after awhile I lost interest in the cleaning/cooking side of things!) and I would feel guilty for not feeling focused on the baby 100% of the time. What ended up working for me was going back to work part time - I'm a pharmacist and I would do evening shifts - 4 hours twice a week whilst my DH looked after the baby. It gave me some contact with adults and more importantly, a bit of pocket money! It just seemed to be the balance I needed to find life as a SAHM bearable. (I say bearable, because it's a big transition from big career to being at home).

I wasn't much of a "mothers group" person either, so I gravitated towards a gym which had childcare. That way I could meet other moms with similar interests..ie exercise and fitness. I've made some good friends that way, particularly as we met in the gym "child free" and we could make friends "just because" rather than because we were mothers. It gave me more of a sense of normalcy, I think! Now I'm teaching again and learning all that chory gives me something else to keep my brain active.

I probably sound as if I totally dislike being a SAHM, not at all. But I needed to find that balance for myself, so I really could enjoy having a baby, rather than resenting it for changing my existence! I think that Sarah has really benefited from me being at home with her and she also benefits from the interaction she gets with other kids at the gym. I'm not looking forward to those first initial months with a new baby - you get quite tied down, but this time, I know that it's a very short time and to really cherish it, because they grow up way too quickly!

I hope I haven't offended anyone, I just wanted to be honest about my feelings on this!

Hazel if you want to contact me, just send me an email via VF!

Bye for now
Liz N
 
RE: Hazel, I'm a half and half!

I didn't add what I do in a typical day... sometimes a walk to the park and lots of swinging and sliding, the odd kid's video, play dough, swimming lessons, Kindagym.. there's quite a lot to do...:)
 
Having lived in both worlds, career for 11 with 2 children and SAHM, (as well as homeschool teacher) with 5 kids for 12, the best advice I can give you would be "Go with the Flow!" When you have a career, things are more scheduled, work has definite expectations and defined goals, but when you're home with small kids, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to be the same way. Don't get me wrong, you can have goals, but they're less tangible. When I first started being home, I was really determined to have a spotless house, lots of homemade goodies, and lots of play dates for the kids, because, after all, I'm home all day. But the more kids I had, the more frustrated I became. I know moms that have the gifts of endless patience and energy, unfortunately I had to shave my goals to where I was going to give them my time, attention, sympathy, compassion, DISCIPLINE and guidance, then the clean house, then the home-made goodies, etc. As the kids got older, I was able to have more planned days, and now that I homeschool, we definitely have a schedule. Actually, what I am saying is you love, and spend time with, your kids just like you do when you work, but you have more time to do it. And I think it's very personal. Some MIL's think that since you're home, you should have hubby's hot meal waiting on the table for him when he gets home, and be at his beck and call, and then there are friends who will tell you to put your kids in daycare a couple of days a week so you have some "Free Time" to yourself. And you may decide you want the satisfaction of a part-time job. You may go through all of those feelings. It's always evolving as everyone gets older. But it's a great journey!!! So decide with your hubby what is the most important things you should be taking care of, at first, and then "Go with the Flow!" At this point, you don't know if baby is going to be fussy, or always content so it's kind of hard to decide how your days are going to be! It'll be fine and there is so so much information and people to draw from. I wish you the best!
Jackie
 
Hi Hazel,
I always found lots of things to do with my kids when they were little. Staying home made me feel too cooped up and isolated and my kids seemed to be happier when we were out also. We did storytime at the library, went to the art museum, the mall, lots of parks - either the kinds with playgrounds or more nature oriented ones where they could throw stones in the water, feed the ducks, we could go on short nature walks, local indoor nature centers, etc. All of these things are free. You could also go to Chuck E. Cheese sometimes for a treat, sign up for Gymboree if it is available or other "classes" geared towards moms with babies and/or toddlers. This is a good way to meet other moms with kids your age as well. When your kids are little, everything seems so new to them - mine even loved going to the post office! I don't remember where you live, but I did find it harder to find things to do in the winter and definitely would get cabin fever. When we were at home, I would just follow their lead usually and do whatever they wanted to do. That's really the biggest benefit of staying home I think - the luxury of time to do what your kids want without feeling rushed.
I've always stayed home with my kids, but I think working part-time really gives you the best of both worlds - lots of time with your kids, but also you get interaction with other adults and a feeling of accomplishment that I don't usually feel staying at home every day. I remember sometimes feeling so frustrated being home and telling people my main purpose in life was wiping butts. But I wouldn't change it for anything and am happy that my husband and I both agree that my staying home is right for our family.
Erica
 
Hi Hazel,

I'm mostly a SAHM, and I tell you, I am always, always busy.

I do teach two prenatal classes a week (will add two stroller classes this summer as well), and I have just begun to freelance from home, but I find that, aside from that, mothering, working out at the YMCA, doing regular errands, and housekeeping keep me awfully busy...
A typical Wednesday for me...
6:30 a.m. - get up, make dh's lunch, enjoy an hour with a cup of coffee while not being a mama :)
7:30 - Aaron is usually up; get his breakfast going
7:30-10 a.m. - Aaron's bath, take a shower, write and maybe check email if there's time & if Aaron's not too demanding; sometimes Aaron & I just play, read books, and giggle during this time :)
10 - 11 a.m. - Playgroup at the library
10 a.m. -noon - errands, etc.
12-5 p.m. - lunch, play/read books with Aaron until he goes down for a nap sometime in late afternoon, play with the dogs, clean house... and take a nap (it's a pregnant thing LOL)
5-6 p.m. - get Aaron his dinner and get ready to teach class
6:30-7:45 - teach class at the YMCA
8:15-whenever - dinner, shower, write, read if I'm not too exhausted
11:30 p.m. - sleep :)

We have a a couple of really good playgroups through our public library, and I'll bring Aaron there when I need adult conversation. I've also met moms at the playground (although, here in Maine, this is only an option during the spring and summer months!) Also, I try to spread out my errands throughout the week, so that I usually have something to do every day.

Finances can be challenging, but we do without a lot of things we used to think we "needed" - we don't have cable TV (we get all of the major networks, PAX, and PBS without it) or a cell phone, and dates are now a dinner OR a movie... never both any more... and we're lucky to have grandma as a free sitter. We do a lot of Sam's Club shopping, but I only shop w/ a list (I separate out meats, and bulk items into plastic bags and smaller containers... we really do save a lot on groceries that way). We also use Sam's Club phone cards (3.7 cents a minute... not as convenient, but WAY cheaper than most any long distance provider). Dh doesn't often eat out for lunch -- to make it easier on him, I get up and make him lunch when he's showering...

Overall, I think you'll love being at home... it can be lonely at times (and at those times, you have to just commit yourself to doing something social!), but it is so awesome to be there to see your little guys grow and change every day. I wouldn't trade it for the world!

Finances can be challenging, but we
Susan
p.s. ~ The Babies Today SAHM board is awesome... very active and very supportive. Some of the moms who come even work full or part-time, but just like the company :)
http://babiestoday.com/cgi-bin/boards/sahm.pl?#9578
 
I worked outside the home until my girls were 4 1/2 and 2 years old. I was only out of law school for 3 years so it was a tough decision knowing it would be hard to go back. I then worked part time out of my home, only taking as many cases as I could. When my baby was born 15 mo's ago, I quit entirely as I don't think I could have handled it with 3 kids and a husband that works quite a bit.

I am NEVER, nada, not at all bored. However, the reason I did not quit earlier was because of the same fears you have. I was new to the town I now live in and wondered what would I do???

Here is my typical day: Get up at 7 a.m. and get the girls to school. Come home and have breakfast with the baby, do morning chores (make beds, laundry etc.), bathe baby or play with him. Have lunch and put baby to bed for nap. While he naps, I work out and shower and do whatever household work I may have. Baby wakes up and we walk dogs and get kids from school. After school is a blur, homework, piano, classes at the Y. We always have dinner at home. Kids in bed by 8:30 and hubby and I have the rest of the night to ourselves. Of course, that is a typical day, there may be errands here or there, lunch with a girlfriend, dr. appts. It may not be the most mentally challenging but I think it is the most important job in the world and you will see the rewards in your kids. I also listen to Dr. Laura who reaffirms the importance of what I am doing (sorry to all you who dislike Dr. Laura, I did too when I was working.) I think it is easier to stay home when the kids are older (>2) because you can get out and do more. But it goes by so fast so do enjoy the baby years. Just remember, it will take time for you to adjust to your new routine, I firmly believe we humans are very adaptable to what life brings us. Good luck with your new baby and new life.
 
I've been a SAHM for 10 years, ever since my 2nd child was born. The schedules differ as kids grow and change, and other babies come along. All in all, I can honestly say that I've never been bored at home. :) We homeschool, so as the kids got older, it's been more busy during the day and less play, but still very fun. I feel like I know my kids better than I would if I was working outside the home. I have the satisfaction of being there for their milestones, whether it be the 1st step or the 1st menstral period. :) I also like it that I'm here for them when they're sick without any guilt about leaving work in a lurch.

Financially I think we lucked out in that I started staying home after a period of me being our sole income while my husband finished school. When he graduated and I stopped working, our income actually went UP, so the adjustment was probably easier for us. Our family fun treats include renting a video/DVD and having dinner picnic-style on a blanket in the living room. Frozen pizzas or burritoes work especially well as menu items for that. We occasionally do what we can a "pajama run," where after everyone is in PJs, My DH or I go into the hallway ans shout "Pajama run!" and we all run to the van and hit the drive-through at McDs for shakes. We play board games together. A trip to McDs for happy meals is a big deal for youn ones. It doesn't have to be huge for the kids to find an activity to be exciting family time. :)

You're embarking on an adventure. Enjoy every minute of it! Good luck! :)

Erin
 
This is a good point, Erica.

I guess I had kind of overlooked it, but you're right, kids do seem to find something to enjoy in even the most mundane chores. We took Lauren to the mall the other week to look for some summer clothes (it's already in the 80s here in Texas, ugh!) and she spent 20 minutes riding up and down the escalator! And she loves to go the the grocery store and hand things out of the basket to the checker.

Thanks too to everyone for the great advice/ideas (keep 'em coming!). I wish you all lived close to me! None of my real-world friends stay home with their kids, and when I made the announcement at a recent regular girls lunch, they all looked at me as if I'd said I was going to move to Siberia and live in a cave. So I guess that kind of had me feeling badly.

Thanks again, ladies. You all are the best.
 
Boy Erin, your family knows how to have fun! I think I'll try that pajama run sometime. And maybe the picnic in the living room on a blanket too. Take care.
Lisa
 
Hi Hazel,

You're always so good about responding to me on VF, so I thought I'd give you some words of encouragement over here. Staying at home with my girl has been the hardest and the best thing I've ever done. I am a highly motivated person who thrives on accomplishing projects, etc. I always did well in school and at work, but all I ever wanted to do was stay home. So, when I started staying home, I thought it would be so much fun all the time, but I think it's actually the hardest thing to do.

I get so bored sometimes (especially when my baby was little), but when she was little, all she did was nurse, so I just read a lot of books during that time. Anyway, now that she's older, I try to take her to the park, get together with other people, etc. I think when she's older it will be even easier because then we can go to the library for story time, and other things like that. A few months ago, I started doing a home study online course to become a medical transcriptionist. I can't say it is my lifelong dream, but it gives me something to do while she is napping and makes me feel like I am learning. I can actually think about something other than the Teletubbies or messy diapers. I also went to some sewing classes at night for a while.

I think the key for me has been to find something or a couple things that are for myself so I don't feel like I am totally losing my mind. My husband has been very supportive because he knows that it gets lonely and depressing sometimes. But, I always think about my own mom, who stayed home with us always, and I remember that she was always able to be there for everything while my friends' parents who worked weren't. I'm not criticizing working moms, I'm just giving my own opinion. I try to just enjoy every moment with my daughter. I read to her, play games with her, and I clean up the house A LOT!!! Actually, that is most of what I do every day is clean. That will surely keep you busy, Hazel. I wish I lived close to you - then we could take walks and stuff. None of my friends are into exercising. Email me anytime you want! [email protected]
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Apr-15-02 AT 10:55AM (Est)[/font][p]Hi Hazel,

You're always so good about responding to me on VF, so I thought I'd give you some words of encouragement over here. Staying at home with my girl has been the hardest and the best thing I've ever done. I am a highly motivated person who thrives on accomplishing projects, etc. I always did well in school and at work, but all I ever wanted to do was stay home. So, when I started staying home, I thought it would be so much fun all the time, but I think it's actually the hardest thing to do.

I get so bored sometimes (especially when my baby was little), but when she was little, all she did was nurse, so I just read a lot of books during that time. Anyway, now that she's older, I try to take her to the park, get together with other people, etc. I think when she's older it will be even easier because then we can go to the library for story time, and other things like that. A few months ago, I started doing a home study online course to become a medical transcriptionist. I can't say it is my lifelong dream, but it gives me something to do while she is napping and makes me feel like I am learning. I can actually think about something other than the Teletubbies or messy diapers. I also went to some sewing classes at night for a while.

I think the key for me has been to find something or a couple things that are for myself so I don't feel like I am totally losing my mind. My husband has been very supportive because he knows that it gets lonely and depressing sometimes. But, I always think about my own mom, who stayed home with us always, and I remember that she was always able to be there for everything while my friends' parents who worked weren't. I'm not criticizing working moms, I'm just giving my own opinion. I try to just enjoy every moment with my daughter. The time goes so fast, as you know, and I want to cherish every second of it. You won't be sorry you are staying home! I read to her, play games with her, and I clean up the house A LOT!!! Actually, that is most of what I do every day is clean. That will surely keep you busy, Hazel. I wish I lived close to you - then we could take walks and stuff. Email me anytime you want!

Emily B

[email protected]
 
Hi Hazel!

Congratulations on your decision to stay at home with your new little one. You will definetely have a time of adjustment, but hopefully come to enjoy your new routines. I think the thing I value most about being home with my 15 month old ( and soon to be #2) is the unhurried pace of the day. For example if Ben wakes up at seven...fine, if he sleeps in until 8:30...great. I don't have to rush him out of bed to get him somewhere at a certain time. I used to teach elementary school, so I was used to a very rushed day. Now I enjoy the slower pace of staying home. I think that he has benefited from this pace as well. We can enjoy the little things during the day that we weren't expecting to encounter. For example when we see a hot air balloon during the day we can stop and look at it for a while rather than hurry off. Here are some of the things we do on a weekly basis...

*lots of park visits, library day, grocery and errands day, walk in the stroller, meeting my husband for lunch at his work (one of my FAVORITE parts of staying home!) visit to Barnes and Noble to play in the book section, exploring the back yard, lots of swinging, lots of reading books, playing in sand box and kiddie pool in the summer, going to the gym nursery, meeting at a friend's house to play, going to ladies' bible study, etc.

If we aren't staying home during the morning, we leave after breakfast and getting dressed and get home by noon for lunch and nap time. Then I have the afternoon for housework, planning dinner and time to myself :) It did seem easier to establish more of a daily schedule when Ben went to one nap a day, rather than two. When he took two big naps during the day I seemed to be home more.

I also wanted to add that we have avoided a lot of monthly expenses that we don't feel are necessary right now. For example, cell phone, cable, DSL, new cars, etc. I hope this was helpful to you. I wish you the best of luck in your decision! Love, Heather
 
Just curious what stay at home moms do about health insurance? My son is 5 now and in kindergarten (he's actually in a developmentally delayed kindergarten or DDK as they call it). Anyway, my biggest barrier to quitting work when he was born (and now) is being able to afford private health insurance. My job had the insurance and my husband's does not have any coverage. I checked into private insurance and let's just say, I almost fainted. It would have been 1/2 of my husband's income which doesn't leave much room for food, & electric bills, etc. (We drive old cars and have no payments there).

I'm thinking maybe you ladies know the secret in getting decent coverage at an affordable price. Any websites that I can look at? Can stay at home moms get group coverage somehow?
Thanks.
Lisa
 
Lisa, I don't have any advice, only empathy. When Lauren was born, my husband had just started a new job 2 weeks earlier and wasn't eligible for insurance coverage through his new employer for a several month probationary period. The fact that I had insurance coverage for my daughter through my employer was a HUGE incentive to continue working. I have several other friends who stay in their jobs in large part because their husbands' insurance is not as good as theirs.

I'll be interested to hear if SAHMs can get private group insurance at decent rates -- even now, my husband's insurer is not ideal, and I'd love to have another option.
 
Here's another idea...
Check into your local ECFE - Early Childhood/Family Education - program. They offer some really good workshops, playgroups and outings for families, and it would give you a way to connect with other SAHMoms.
 
Insurance companies are the evil of the world, IMHO. I don't know any secrets, but I know here in Arkansas, they have very affordable health insurance for children up through the age of 18 (ARKids 1st, it is called). You have to qualify, though, with a low enough income, which we do because my husband is a student. I don't know how many states have programs like this, though. It has been great for us. Our insurance is another story, though. We have Blue Cross insurance, but it's not that great. I figure the main reason we have it right now is in case serious things happen. All the little stuff we can just pay for. I wish I knew some secrets to affordable health care, but I don't.
 
Health insurance

I noticed a few of you inquired about affordable health insurance. I have heard an advertisement on the radio about a company that specializes in Health insurance if a person is self employed, has no benefits through work or is a stay at home mom (or dad.) The company is Mid-West National Life Insurance Co of Tenn. and they can be reached at 888-513-1026. They also run an advertisement on Dr. Laura's website, I don't think she would permit that if they weren't a legitimate company. If you log onto her website, there is a form you can fill out for information - drlaura.com

Good luck!
 
RE: Health insurance

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I am checking into this immediately! Have a wonderful weekend!
Lisa
 
RE: Health insurance

Let me know what you find out. I am curious to see if the ads are truthful. I am lucky that my husband has insurance at work.

Good luck-
Angie
 
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