Sad husband, I need wife advice

spyrosmom

spyrosmom

Cathlete
DH will have been married 11 yrs this Feb, and our marriage is going swimmingly, no issues. We get along, we laugh, we play, we wallow, we smile, we are generally on the same page about life. THe only exception is that he hasn't been feeling well for almost 2 yrs now, with worst of it being the past year, and pretty bad recently. Without listing a whole laundry list, he's been to a GP, GI, ENT, cardiologist and a rhuematologist. Every stick, poke, draw and test comes back normal. However, I know him, and he knows himself, something is not right. We are both at our wits' end. He doesn't like to talk about it a whole lot - because then we both feel sad and I don't think he wants to burden me w/ his probs.

I hate seeing him like this, and he seems exceptionally sad lately. He was laughing about something at dinner this weekend, and I swear its the 1st time I've seen him laugh in a weeks. Its breaking my heart, and I don't know what to do. Part of me feels guilty, because I'm healthy and bouncing along to Cathe and whatnot, and I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. And in the last week and half or two weeks, things have been a little, er, dry in the bedroom department:eek: He says its not me, and its not that he doesn't want to (and he most certainly can - no mechanical probs :eek:) but he's tired and he hurts. Which I belive it, bc I can see it. But then I feel bad, because I feel like I'm missing out in the department, too. And I miss him in that way.

I just don't know what to do with the whole situation, and its breaking my heart.

Nan
 
nan so sorry about what's going on.is it possible there is a an issue with depression or something similar to the sort? i ask b/c sometimes this will cause some physical ailments as well. just from going on with what you said so i am not sure what the medical side of it all is.

kassia
 
Going through the same thing...but my hubby is older, and we've let it get too far (his generation not big on getting help)...and now its crippling my tall handsome hubby....intervention tomorrow with doc, doing the whole medication,counselling, and total abstinance of alcohol....God bless him for having you.
 
Honestly it sounds like depression to me. Even if he doesn't FEEL depressed about anything. Just seems like classic symptoms - from experience. Your body can chemically change as you get older. One that I had (started w/ my second pregnancy) was falling asleep fine but waking up at like 2 a.m. and not getting back to sleep. Anyway, do more research and stretch what we think we define as "depression." And PM me if you'd like.

Jen
 
So sorry to hear it, Nan. I'm not sure why you're only mentioning your marriage, though. Is something going on at work or in some other aspect of his life that is making him unhappy? What kind of changes have occurred in his life lately? Did he change jobs? Lose a parent? What's happening in his life? Has he ruled out an emotional cause? Depression can be just as exhausting and debilitating as anything else. Fortunately, there are all kinds of ways to deal with depression once it's been diagnosed. Good luck!
 
The Dr's don't think its depression. He was taking an antidepressant about 6 months ago, to help w/ one of the other symptoms,but they just made him feel crappier. Given the turn of events this weekend, I really don't think its depression, although I wouldn't be surprised if that's part of the whole mess since its been going on so long and is very frustrating.

The GP has admitted he doesn't know. I'd rather have a Dr who knows he doesn't know than one who pretends he does. So he has recommended a different Dr for every symptom, and I'm not sure that's the way to go, either. We're pretty sure its all tied together. But the dif Drs all just want to take a pill for this and a pill for that and its not working, like I said, I think its all tied together. The GI the GP recommended has been great, he's out of Rush in Chicago, however he is out of network, and is like $500 a visit. However, he has been really great at trying to take a whole body approach and using email for contacts so he can really limit the office visits. Kudos to him for that. He has also not given up, and is really caring and is really trying. Even though he's a GI (which seems to be the root of all the probs) he seems to be taking everything into consideration.

He was starting to think genetic, or possibly autoimmune, but we just don't know, and its so very frustrating. As a wife, I just don't know what to do, other than listen, and lay the hugs and snuggles on thick. Its Christmas time, and I'm terrified of something awful coming up, or losing my hubby. Any kind of cancer screening/test has come back normal, but there is so much more than could be wrong.

Nan
 
nancy324 said:
So sorry to hear it, Nan. I'm not sure why you're only mentioning your marriage, though. Is something going on at work or in some other aspect of his life that is making him unhappy? What kind of changes have occurred in his life lately? Did he change jobs? Lose a parent? What's happening in his life? Has he ruled out an emotional cause? Depression can be just as exhausting and debilitating as anything else. Fortunately, there are all kinds of ways to deal with depression once it's been diagnosed. Good luck!
Click to expand...


Work is good, he's been there 7 or 8 yrs now, his grandfather passed this summer, but this has been going on long before that. All the health issues started well before that. Just this past weekend I am getting an extra sad/fed up/losing hope this will get better vibe from him. I understand why he's tired of it all, I just don't know what to do.

Nan
 
Hi Nan,

I have been on the other side of this issue for almost 3 years. I had a weird problem that no doctor had seen or had any idea of how to handle. I got a lot of them telling me it was all in my head or I was just depressed. I wasn't sick because I was depressed, I was depressed because I was sick. Very few people get the distinction. I am naturally a happy, bouncy person, but if you haven't been in chronic pain you have no idea how really draining it can be.

I finally, after 3 years of 2-3 doctor appointments a week, found a doctor that figured out what the problem was. I am starting to get my life back and the change in my attitude is proportional to feeling less pain and getting back to my life as I want it.

DH and I have been married for 17 years. I don't know how DH managed the past 3 years, it was an intensely awful time. He works 3 jobs and I was pretty much bedridden for 1 1/2 years. Mostly he let me have and experience my feelings an do what I needed to. He stood by me, fought with doctors and did whatever he could to help me manage my symptoms on a daily basis. In one particularly grim period he even bathed and dressed me for almost a month. But I digress.

The point here is when you are in the middle of a situation it seems interminable. Though it feels that way the situation is likely to change. A couple of things that worked for me were to have a very, very clear picture of what my life would be like when this situation was over. Another was to notice the little ways I was so lucky, and so much better off than so many people. I was never in danger of losing my house. I have spectacular health care and knew I could keep searching for a doctor until I found one who could help me. That the situation seemed resolvable and I would likely get my life back. One time when I was admitted to the hospital the only room available was in the burn unit. There was one women there whose arms and legs had been burned off. That was a little perspective for me.

Also remember caring for or being a family member of someone who has a major chronic health condition is very taxing. Make sure you still take time for yourself to care for yourself.

Good luck,

Shayne
 
Has he been to an infectious-disease specialist yet? I have two different friends who were diagnosed after 1 and 2 years respectively by one of those. The first had mono for a year, saw all these doctors who didn't know what was going on because he had unusual symptoms and his life was just falling apart. 15 minutes with an infectious-disease specialist and he was diagnosed and on treatment. The other had chronic bronchial infections for nearly 2 years and had surgery (which changed nothing) and had several other things identified as the cause, and all of them were wrong. An infectious disease specialist diagnosed it as being caused by a rabid fungal infection that had more or less invaded her body. Had her on treatment in less than 24 hours.

Just a thought.

tobermory
 
This was very helpful for my getting a diagnosis, maybe something will stand out?

Autoimmune Disease Checklist:
A Handy List of Symptoms That Can Point to Possible Autoimmune Conditions, to Bring to the Doctor


by Mary Shomon

The following is a partial checklist of frequently-noticed symptoms of the most common autoimmune conditions. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it covers many of the common autoimmune symptoms and conditions. Carefully filling out this checklist and taking it to your doctor can be an important first step in getting appropriate testing and the right medical diagnosis. (For more information on autoimmune conditions, read, Do You Have An Autoimmune Disease? )

Fever / Body Temperature

_____ Elevated fever, higher body temperature - Lupus, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome
_____ Feeling cold when others feel hot -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Feeling hot when others feel cold -- Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism
_____ Low body temperature -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism

Hair

_____ Hair loss, round bald patches on the scalp -- Alopecia Areata
_____ Hair loss, loss of facial and scalp hair -- Alopecia Totalis, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Lupus
_____ Male patterned baldness -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
_____ Excess hair growth on the face faces, necks, chests, abdomens, and thighs, in women - Cushing's Disease, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
_____ Loss of hair in outer eyebrow -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Hair is rough, coarse dry, breaking, brittle - Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism

Skin

_____ Hyperpigmentation, or dark tanning in skin -- Addison's Disease
_____ Painful skin rash, called dermatitis herpetiformis -- Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome
_____ Fragile thin skin - Cushing's Disease
_____ Skin that bruises easily - Cushing's Disease
_____ Acne -- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Skin rashes, especially "butterfly rash" on the nose and cheeks -- Lupus
_____ Sun sensitivity -- Lupus
_____ Skin thickening -- Scleroderma
_____ Skin ulcers on the fingers -- Scleroderma

Eyes

_____ Dry eyes -- Sjogren's Syndrome, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism
_____ Blurred vision -- Sjogren's Syndrome, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Multiple Sclerosis
_____ Eye discomfort or pain -- Sjogren's Syndrome, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Multiple Sclerosis
_____ Nystagmus or jerking, rapid involuntary eye movement -- Multiple Sclerosis, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Optic neuritis, inflammation of the nerves in the eye -- Multiple Sclerosis
_____ Unclear or double vision -- Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Multiple Sclerosis

Throat, Neck, Voice, Mouth

_____ Dry mouth -- Sjogren's Syndrome
_____ Hoarseness, husky or gravelly voice -- Sjogren's Syndrome, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism
_____ Difficulty in swallowing -- Sjogren's Syndrome, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism
_____ Mouth and nose sores -- Lupus
_____ Pale sores inside the mouth, called aphthus ulcers -- Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome
_____ Fullness or pressure, choking sensation in throat, lump in the neck -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism

Fatigue, Sleep

_____ Chronic fatigue - Addison's Disease, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Sjogren's Syndrome, Lupus, Insulin-Dependent Type 1 Diabetes
_____ Insomnia -- Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism
_____ Exhaustion after minimal effort or exercise - Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Sjogren's Syndrome, Lupus

Muscles, Joints, Tendons

_____ Pain and tenderness throughout the body - Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Lupus, Sjogren's Syndrome
_____ Muscle weakness -- Addison's Disease, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
_____ Joint Stiffness - Scleroderma, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia
_____ Bone, joint and muscle aches, inflammation, and pains -- Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Cushing's Disease, Lupus, Sjogren's Syndrome, Rheumatoid Arthritis
_____ Backaches, unexplained rib and spinal column fractures- Cushing's Disease
_____ Deformed joints - Rheumatoid Arthritis
_____ Carpal-tunnel syndrome / tendinitis -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism

Hands and Feet

_____ Raynaud's phenomenon (extreme sensitivity to cold in the hands and feet) -- Lupus, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism
_____ Swelling in hands and feet - Lupus, Scleroderma, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism

Weight Changes

_____ Weight loss -- Addison's Disease, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Lupus, Insulin-Dependent Type 1 Diabetes
_____ Weight Gain - Cushing's Disease, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome
_____ Weight gain in upper body, abdomen - Cushing's Disease, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
_____ Rounded or puffy face - Cushing's Disease, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Increased fat around the neck - Cushing's Disease
_____ Thinning arms and legs - Cushing's Disease

Digestion, Gastrointestinal

_____ Nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea -- Addison's Disease, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Scleroderma, Insulin-Dependent Type 1 Diabetes
_____ Recurring abdominal bloating and pain -- Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome
_____ Pale, foul-smelling stool -- Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome
_____ Gas -- Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome
_____ Increased urination -- Insulin-Dependent Type 1 Diabetes
_____ Constipation - Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism

Pulse/Blood Pressure

_____ Low blood pressure -- Addison's Disease, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ High blood pressure- Cushing's Disease, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
_____ Slow pulse -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Fast Pulse -- Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism

Mood, Thinking

_____ Irritability, anxiety and depression -- Addison's Disease, Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Cushing's Disease, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ "Brain Fog," difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness -- Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Balance, Coordination, Neurological Symptoms

_____ Lack of coordination or unsteady gait -- Multiple Sclerosis
_____ Dizziness, vertigo -- Multiple Sclerosis, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Numbness, weakness, tingling or paralysis in one or more limbs - Multiple Sclerosis, Insulin-Dependent Type 1 Diabetes
_____ Tremor -- Multiple Sclerosis, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism

Food/Drink & Cravings

_____ Craving of salty foods -- Addison's Disease
_____ Increased thirst -- Insulin-Dependent Type 1 Diabetes
_____ Loss of appetite -- Addison's Disease, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism

Menstruation/Gynecological - Women

_____ Irregular or absent menstrual periods -- Addison's Disease, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Cushing's Disease, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
_____ Cysts on Ovaries -- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

Fertility and Sex Drive, Pregnancy

_____ Infertility or decreased fertility in women -- Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
_____ Decreased fertility in men- Cushing's Disease
_____ Reduced sex drive - Cushing's Disease, Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Recurrent miscarriage - Graves' Disease/Hyperthyroidism, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism

Breathing

_____ Increase in snoring -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ Shortness of breath and tightness in the chest -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism

Especially in Children

_____ Delayed growth in children, failure to thrive in infants -- Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Cushing's Disease, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism

Blood Changes

_____ Unexplained anemia (low count of red blood cells) -- Celiac Disease/Gluten Intolerance/Irritable Bowel Syndrome
_____ High cholesterol levels -- Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism

Blood Sugar Changes

_____ Hypoglycemia/low blood sugar -- Addison's Disease, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
_____ High blood sugar- Cushing's Disease, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
 
I understand much better now, Nan. Sounds like you're getting closer with the new doctor. It is so hard to watch a loved one hurting! Please keep us updated.
 
Hi Nann,

I am so sorry that you are both going through this, but, trust me, it helps to have support and someone to cry with/hug you/shoulder to lean on/just sit in a room with you when you're going through this. I have been in a viscious cycle myself of chronic stress, fatigue, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, unexplained weight gain, etc. for the past 2 years. Doctors kept saying "you're fine..all of your blood work is coming back normal." However, I knew that I wasn't normal. I gained 40 pounds in a period of about 6 months and getting it off hasn't been happening. It turned out to be a combination of things, but it took me being proactive, trying numerous doctors, and soliciting advice from others. Has your husband had his hormone levels checked? Men, like women, can suffer from imbalances that lead to tired, achy, and other symptoms (unfortunately that are symptoms of other issues). Anyway, there aren't many doctors who know how to test hormones properly. Many will simply use blood work, which isn't the most efficient way. I suggest that you check out canaryclub.com. They sell hormone test kits through ZRT labs, but you get a discount on the retail ZRT price. Once you are armed with that data, you still might not get anywhere with a standard endocrinologist or doctor. I had to found professionals well versed in bio-identical hormone treatment to help interpret my results. I haven't been taking hormones, but the knowledge has helped, along with my gynecologist, and believe it or not, wellness consultations with my local pharmacist (who actually specializes in assessment & balancing of women's hormones).

Anyway, I didn't mean to drone on about my own issues, but I did want to bring awareness to the hormone problems (also thyroid).

Here are a few links that may be helpful to you:
Thyroid Info: http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/
Canary Club/ZRT Labs: http://www.canaryclub.org/productmenu-his-advanced-plus-hormone-profile-zrt.html

Continue to be strong, and don't give up!! Your husband knows himself best, and don't accept "everything is normal" as an answer!!
 
Last edited:
Thanks everybody for the replies and the PM's. I will check out the links today on my lunch break. It stared about 2 yrs ago w/ tinnitus, after we saw Bon Jovi. Dr figured it was just loud music exposure, but that has never gotten better. Then it start with chest pain, EKGs and everything came back normal. They dianosed as chostrocondritis (pulled rib cage cartilage) b/c at the time he was snowplowing and moving heavy salt bags, so it made sense. Then irregular heart beats and sweating - again all test coming back normal - possible panic attacks - medication again did nothing. Then he got the stomach flu - after being in our crawlspace - and that never completely cleared up - thought maybe he inhaled or got into something in there. Tried medication for depression, nothing. Tried some heavy antibiotics to get his belly bugs back to normal - nothing. Then this weekend the tinnitus got worse w/ bad vertigo, even when sitting, so it was back to the ENT today. He's lost about 20 lbs, but eats just as much as he used to, just more spaced out due to the belly issues. Poss IBS they say, but nothing is making it better. The only things that have come back slightly abnormal are a bacteria test he did for his stomach - hence the antibiotics, and his bilirubin is high normal, but has always been that way - so they are saying that is normal for him. Did a hearing test today at the ENT and his left ear the hearing is diminished. Dr thinks is something called labyrithitis so is taking a 3 wks course of anti virals.

Basically at this point, his whole body hurts, and it is getting in his joints as well, but the rhumetologist says everything checks out. They considered fibromyalgia and he took Lyrica for maybe 2 months, but that made him feels worse.

I/we are convinced it is something autoimmune or perhaps fungal at this point (given the crawlspace - he was the only one in there and we hadn't been in there in 10 yrs) Its just all very frustrating and I hate seeing him struggle when there is really nothing I can do about it.

Nan
 
I have IBS. I can't digest proteins and fats properly. If I eat much of this I blow up like a balloon and hurt all over. I just want to cry. I don't know why it would cause chest pain or an irregular heartbeat. Maybe he has IBS but surely something else is going on too.
I take Colonix by Dr.Natura on the web. This stuff is amazing.
http://www.drnatura.com/colonix_program.php?utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=dr%20natura%20review&utm_campaign=YSM_New_Dr.%20Natura%20Brand%20Terms&OVRAW=dr.natura&OVKEY=dr%20natura%20review&OVMTC=advanced&OVADID=62294997511&OVKWID=393181235511
 
Supporting him and believing in his struggle is an important thing you can do (and are doing).

I've been going through very similar things the last couple of years, but those close to me don't take me seriously. Apparently it hasn't occurred to them maybe something is wrong when I go from a productive, active young adult to somebody who can barely function mentally or physically. They think I'm just being lazy. It hurts when you feel alone, so being there for him and fighting for him is huge, even if you or even he doesn't quite realize it right now.

Because of that, I think you guys will eventually get this resolved. And don't give up (I'm not either).
 
Nan,
Sorry I have no information to help (my first thought based simply on your first post was depression, but then I read on) I'm just sending you good vibes, so hang in there and I hope this can be resolved soon. {{{{hugs}}}}
 
I don't know where you live and this may be a long shot but has he been checked for Valley Fever? The symptoms you describe are almost text book and most docs don't look for it.

I can understand his anxiety attacks though, there is not much more frustrating than going from doctor to doctor and being told that they can't find anything. I went through that many years ago and it really makes you doubt yourself. In my case, conventional doctors couldn't find anythibng, it wasn't until I consulted with a homeopathic doctor that I got diagnosed with a disorder of the nervous system, triggered by a serious injury. She had me swallow some pellets and I thought she was completely nuts and no way in he!! is this going to help but sure enough my symptoms started to get better within a couple of days and within a few weeks it was gone.

I hope things get better soon!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top