Remember "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy?

[Gayle]

I had to bump this thread back. Albany CrossFit had this one posted in their blog today :

“To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)”

 

[mrsmel]

These are great! Melissa, that one's my favorite, too. Who doesn't like to laugh about torturing children?

anne

 

[pixiesis]

LOL Gayle. That's a good one. Since we're back at it, here's another one:

I don't think I received enough love when I was a child. And not just from my parents. From my other relatives, and my friends, and from strangers and from all the creatures of the world, including bugs.

Amy

 

[pixiesis]

Here's some more!!!

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

Sometimes I think I'd e better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

We're all afraid of something. Take my little nephew, for instance. He's afraid of skeletons. He thinks they live in closets and under beds, and at night they come out to get you when you're asleep. And what am I afraid of? Now, I'm afraid of skeletons.

Can't the Marx brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the conusion and problems they've caused?

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

One afternoon, when I was about ten, I decided to walk over to the "wrong side of the tracks." At first I was a little scared. But then I noticed that the yards were nice, and so were the houses. In fact, most of the houses were better than those on our side of the tracks. A lot better.

 

[Shannon_B]

I loved reading these!!

I can't contribute because I don't know any but I hope you guys put some more!

 

[pixiesis]

Well, Shannon, since you asked....

My parents used to abandon me a lot as a child. In the morning, they'd take me to my school and then abandon me there, until school got out. Then at night, after they tucked me in bed, they'd abandon me and go to sleep in their own bedroom. Sometimes they'd let me sleep with them in their room, but if I started playing my guitar they'd take me back to my bedroom and abandon me again. Once, they abandoned me for a whole week, at my grandparents' house.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

 

[Shannon_B]

Haha, thanks! The keys one is funny!

 

[SirenSongWoman]

My all time favorite...it still make me "horse laugh"

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I just repeated this one to a co-worker last week. Hysterical!

 

[SirenSongWoman]

Angie,
I had those exact thoughts earlier! LOL!!!!! Did you see the episode where he "counsels" Michael Jordan? ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL! Was that character named Stuart Smalley?

I agree -- thanks for the laughs!

ETA: Here's a funny article -- "Stuart Smalley Saves the Senate" -- http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/01/07/business/marketwatch/main4703363.shtml
Kristi

OMG, that was the FUNNIEST segment, ever:

(Smalley) "Michael... I know sometimes you say to yourself 'I'm a failure... People don't like me... I'm not a very good basketball player... I'm not good enough to make that shot...'"

(Jordan, thoughtfully) "Um... no."

And it ends with Smalley sobbing like a baby and Jordan saying "Stuart? Do you need a hug?" Silly fun. Loved that.

 

[Ffte]

Thanks for this thread. Very funny! I loved these... and the hand grenade one... Oh, h$!! I loved them all.

Oh I loved Jack Handy! Here's a few:

"One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you."

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."

Fun thread Amy!