Re-gaining Trust in a Relationship?

[LadyUnix]

Anyone care to share how to gain back trust? Anecdoctal evidence from 3rd parties very acceptable...simply because I imagine many people would be reluctant to talk about such a personal matter.

I am in a long-distance relationship, very serious, with someone who I see only a few months a year. It's serious, we're committed, and we're working towards when our lives will allow us to live together.

Well, that was my world as of last Monday.

Then I received an email from him, intended for another woman (oopsie), that was very flirty. Flirty enough that he panicked right after hitting the send button (having realized what he had done) and tried to get out of it with a pack of lies.

I believe nothing happened, but ... BUT ... can not quite believe that nothing in the future, either with her or with someone else wouldn't happne. ANd yet, I feel crazy, because I never doubted his committment and devotion to me. He's just not that good of an actor. Nor has he ever been the type to have the need for many woman; I pegged him for a happily monogamous man. And we love each other very much.

Of course, opportunity is there for both of us. Trust is everything in a relationship, and more so with ours, such as it is.

When I'm with him, I believe him, because I see his face and his emotions. When I'm apart during the day...the upset, the anger, the doubt returns.

Don't know how to get to 'that' place again. Time seems to be the only answer, but we don'thave time. He leaves again tomorrow, and won't be back until July for a few days, and then not until 4th quarter (but all of the 4th quarter) after that.

It has been such a draining and wrenching week.

 

[chefkate]

Oh golly, I have no advice, just a (((((big hug)))).
I've never been in that situation and don't know what to say.
I hope someone can help.

 

[NaturalBeauty]

LadyUnix that's hard. Around this time last year I caught my husband online chatting with women on a dating service. His profile said he was single and looking for love. I was like wtf are you doing? I was pregnant at the time too to make it worse. His only excuse was "I was just playing" I was very hurt. I'm still dealing with some insecurity today.

He's an electrician and works out of state cause there's no jobs in town right now. I still dont fully trust him but he is making an effort to make me feel loved and like I'm the only one for him so that makes things easier.

I think he realizes his mistake cause when we argue I sometimes throw that in his face and he seems very sincere when he apoligizes yet again.

Its hard not to be blinded when you truly love someone. I hope things work out for you. Everybody goes thru their ups and downs in relationships. This whole situation may even bring you two closer together. Stay strong sweety.


Tassha

 

[Timber99]

That's a tough hill to climb (speaking from experience, unfortunately). You have a particularly tough situation because, at least for now, you are long distance. There are a lot of ways to work on it, but you need to decide what will, truly in your heart, make you have that sense of security back again. Then DO NOT be afraid to demand that whatever that is happens and continues until you feel safe again.

For example, some people just need time to pass in the normalcy of the relationship. Others are more comfortable having him check in more often and make an effort to re-assure you that all is well and the two of you are on target. Others are more comfortable if he gives over all passwords so that you can check on him at your leisure. Some want counseling.

Good luck

 

[Govtgirl]

Ladyunix, I hope this doens't sound harsh, but you asked for advice...And this is based on my personal experience too.

I think you should step back from this "relationship" (I put that in quotes because I don't think you can really have a true relationship part-time, and long distance to boot. It doens't look like he thinks you both are as serious as you do, and (don't get mad at me) I don't think he's really in love with you either. If he was he wouldn't flirt that outrageously with other women, and (IMHO) if he were a real man he wouldn't lie about it after. He'd own up to it.

Long-distance relationships always seem to have so much drama, angst, tears, when if you were around that person on a day-to day basis, you'd get to see the true person much faster. Again, I went through a long-distance relationship, and wasted 6 months of my life on a selfish jerk. If I had been around him more like in regular dating, I would have figured it out in a week.

 

[Aquajock]

LadyUnix, I agree with GovtGirl / Lisa on this one, much as I would prefer to be able to offer encouragement.

You write: "When I'm with him, I believe him, because I see his face and his emotions. When I'm apart during the day . . . the upset, the anger, the doubt returns."

Unfaithful partners are unbelievably gifted at presenting an innocent face to their cuckolded partners when they have a vested interest in keeping that liaison alive. He knows you well enough to know how you respond emotionally, and IMHO he pushes those vulnerable, loving buttons of yours quite well. However, the upset, the anger, and the doubt you describe when you two are apart is the smarter, more detached part of you talking - i.e. the part that is enlightened self-interest. Listen to that part, not to him.

You also write: "I never doubted his committment and devotion to me . . . I pegged him for a happily monogamous man . . . Don't know how to get to 'that' place again." It's possible - indeed, possibly probable - that you inadvertantly superimposed what you wanted to believe about him because that's what you wanted in him and the relationship, and that 'that' place only existed in your heart, and could only exist with incomplete information.

Now you have some important information. Please believe that there are loving, mature men closer to home who don't need to be caught in an errant e-mail to come clean, because they were never dirty to begin with.

This is all very new to you, I'm sure, but stay strong, listen to your head right now rather than your wounded heart, and don't make any life-changing decisions that involve him for quite awhile.

Hugs -

A-Jock

 

[pepnchar]

I've been in the same boat, I'm afraid -- I've been with someone that has cheated, both physically and "online flirting". Ick. It hurts just thinking about it. You have to be secure with yourself and then the trust will come. I know that if he does it again I can move on without him and be OK, so that makes it easier to trust, as crazy as that sounds. If I became so dependent on a man for my happiness and fulfillment, then it would be only natural that I would become jealous and suspicious.

Stepping back from this relationship might be a good idea. It will give both of you some time to figure out what you really want out of life. You know the saying about "if you love someone, set them free and they will come back to you." Couldn't agree more.

Take care of your first! Like A-Jock said, there are plenty of wonderful men close to home who could treat you as the goddess you are, if given a chance!

Take care!
Charlene

 

[Shelshula]

LadyUnix,

Imagine yourself as someone from the outside who is hearing this story about a friend in a long distance relationship. The guy accidentally sent her an e-mail intended for another woman. It was very flirty. She'd pegged him as a happily monogamous guy, and he's just not that good an actor, so she believed him when he said he was devoted to her.

My friend Colleen found herself in the exact same situation 12 years ago. She went the route where he wasn't allowed to have his own e-mail account (he did anyway, he just didn't tell her about all of them) and she had to be allowed to read all of his blog posts.(Again, only the ones he told her about) eventually they got married. They've been divorced three years now because he started dating someone after they married. He told the "girlfriend" that he was divorced and that Colleen was stalking him and lying about their still being married.

Look inside yourself and trust your own instincts. There is a reason why your upset and angry. The person he is now is the person he will be if you marry him. He is not a project that you can make better or different.

Don't you deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you? Don't you deserve someone who sees you for the treasure that you are?

Are you sure he isn't encouraging you to project your hopes and dreams on to him so you won't see him for who he really is. Are you sure he isn't dazzling you with a smoke screen of charm and regret.

If you were already married to him, I would encourage you to get counseling and to work it out if you really believed that it was just a silly bit of harmless acting out.

But you aren't married to him. Your lives are in different cities. Its time to take an assessment of your life, your goals, your career. Sometimes being alone is better. Maybe its time for you to be alone. Find out who you are without him. Enjoy getting to know yourself again. Remind yourself what a fun and interesting person you are. You'll find someone special when the time is right, and it will be someone who recognizes you for the treasure that you are.

I trust that you will do what you think is best, and I hope our choice brings you great happiness.