Preschoolers - would you EVER say this?

dss62467

dss62467

Cathlete
OK, ok, I know we have no preschoolers on the forum...but my daughter said something awful to me yesterday and I'm not sure what the correct reaction is.

We went to McDonald's for lunch. I got a grilled chicken salad, she got a cheeseburger Happy Meal with the apples instead of fries. She likes to play this game where she makes me close my eyes, then she "disappears". So I closed my eyes, she crawled under the table, and then I could open them. While she was under the table, I took a bite of her cheeseburger (knowing she wouldn't eat more than half of it anyway). When she asked what I was eating, I fessed up and she got really mad at me. And she said quietly, "I can't wait for you to die."

Obviously I realize she's too young to understand exactly what she just said and she was trying to get a reaction out of me. I got a little bit miffed that she said it, told her she had a mean and nasty little mouth, and that I didn't want to hear anything from her again until she could talk nicely.

I don't know...what do you ladies say when your little ones, who don't yet know better, say something like that? Once before she told me "I wish you would get dead." And I didn't make a deal out of it. But how is she supposed to learn what's mean to say if I don't say something?
 
I would be willing to guess that she hasn't had any experiences with death and doesn't know what "dead" is. My son, who just turned five, had a bout with the "I hate you" last year, directed to both me and his 9 year old sister. I told him that saying "I hate you" means that you wish that person was dead. He piped right up and asked me what "dead" was, even though he had recently had a dog that died. It's hard for preschoolers to come to grips with what death entails. I think I would just explain to her that when she says that, she means that she wishes she would never, ever, ever, see you again. (We are church goers, so of course our conversation included information about Heaven, but that's a whole other story.)

Don't be too hurt. Kids say so many things to their mothers in bouts of anger that they don't really mean, but they have to learn how hurtful their words can be.

Good luck,
Sarah
 
I agree with Sarah...explain to her exactly what her words mean. I have 2 boys (7 and 4) and DH/daddy passed away this passed September. Needless to say, they KNOW what death and 'being dead' are and I call them on it the SECOND they utter one word relating to death. They understand then...it's like you need to just remind them.

Gayle
 
Gayle, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It must be so hard being a single mother. Hugs are going you way!
 
I was broken-hearted and taken aback the first time one of my kids said, "I hate you," but they say stuff like that and you know she doesn't mean it or understand it. She was mad.

When Sam, who's the third started hating eveyone who thwarted any desire, we had a talk and I calmly told him he didn't hate. Hate is a bad and negative word. He was angry and he should say "I'm angry with you" not "I hate you". We discussd it for quite some time. So when he got mad and said "I hate you". I said, "You don't hate me, you are angry with me". And he said, "No! I hate you!" I found it funny as hell but I didn't let him see me laugh. Sam has all sorts of language the first two didn't since he is growing up with older sisters wah can be potty mouths!

You can talk to her and explain what it is, that it's a really hurtful thing to say and she'd be devastated by your death or you can brush it off more lightly and tell her it's not the language used to express dissatisfaction but I wouldn't take it too seriously. Save that for when she's a teen-ager. :)
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver
 
I would really be trying to find out where she learned how to say that. I can't imagine where she would learn it, maybe a classmate (that would be my guess)? That would really make me pay even more attention to whom she is spending time with and what she is watching on tv. If you know it is something she definately didn't hear at your house, I would talk to the teacher and tell her what you heard your daughter say and has she noticed any of the other kids talking like that. If you have a good provider they will be more on the ball about teaching the kids how they should talk to one another in her class when things like that are said. You pay good money for them to take care of your daughter while you work. It is not too much to ask that she be in an environment that encourages love.

As far as DD goes, I would ask her where she heard it and ask her if she knows what it means and how it makes others feel. I wouldn't react to it, especially if that is what she wants, because then she will do it even more. Take others suggestions above, too, by telling her exactly what it means. Then, if she still wants to talk like that, she can be disciplined because then she knows that it is wrong. I would deal with it now, though, instead of waiting until she is older. You have more influence now. Remember listening to your parents when you were a teenager? Niether do I.

HIH,
Missy
 
Most children that age do not understand what death is- they don't realize it's permanent! I've seen this before with kids I've babysat; usually around ages 3-6. They seem to hear a friend say it and pick up on it without realizing what they are saying. One kid told me he wished he was dead! Basically, I think it is just a new novel phrase for them to use when they are in a bad mood. For now, I'd let it go. If she starts saying things about death frequently, though, I'd have a little talk about how "not nice" saying such things is!
 
She actually has had experience with death. My mother passed away last spring and my daughter was at the wake and funeral. She also had a hamster that was killed by one of our cats. That hamster is now in Heaven, being taken care of by Grandma (even though I know my mom wouldn't take care of a hamster.) We've also discussed death after Mufasa dies in The Lion King.

I did talk with her about what it meant to be dead. I said that if I died, she would never, ever see me again and asked if that's what she wanted. And she said no, but she was still ticked at me.

It really doesn't bother me when she says, "I hate you". I don't really get bothered when she's mad at me either. But I really don't like the "wish you were dead" thing. That's just not cool.
 
Personally, I would shrug it off and not take it personally. As you said, she doesn't understand what she's saying, and she only said it because she knew it would provoke and hurt you. So, I wouldn't react that way. I would have replied to her, "Yeah? Well I can't wait for you to turn into a yellow dinosaur and fly to the moon." If you make it appear that what she said didn't have an effect on you (or, the effect she desired), then she will likely not say it again. She'll try something different next time :)

Sandra
 
Donna, my son, when he was 3, said something along the same lines. He said, "I wish you were dead." Because I told him to not dive into the hamper full of freshly laundered clothes.

My initial reaction was shock, which was GOOD because my mouth wouldn't move, which kept me from saying anything equally hurtful to him that I would regret later on. And when I got to breathe again, I asked, "Do you know what 'dead' means? Do you know what happens when a person dies?"

He shook his head. I thought so.

So I explained how, if I died, no one would drive him to school, or walk with him while he rode his bike, or have a picnic with him in front of the TV, or make his favorite food, etc. etc. His eyes WIDENED as I enumerated every little thing he could no longer do with me. He didn't say anything after that, and went on playing. About five minutes later he approached me and said he was sorry about what he said.

He never said that again.

Pinky
 
My son, who is in pre-school, has said stuff like that. I tell him that it is not nice or ok to say things like that. He also says "I hate you." To my dh and me when he is angry. Well, he used to, not so much anymroe. I would let him know first that it wasn't "hate' he had but that he was angry and that he hated what dada or I did. Like not let him watch a movie that night for example. ;-) We also let him know that saying stuff like that to a friend could cause loss of the friend if they felt he was telling the truth.

If it makes you feel any better. My preschooler told me just this mornign that i had a fat stomach. :-( Grrrrr. It's not fat. He was laughting trying to be funny. I told him that wasn't nice and he could hurt peoples feelings saying stuff like that.

Ahhhh, preschoolers.

DIane
 
I LOVE that, Sandra!!!!! Tell me, this isn't your first child that you're having is it?

We'll see if it works on her, though. She absolutely never reacts the way you think she's going to.
 
Donna, this is my second baby. I have a daughter who is about the same age as yours. My DD will turn 5 in July. You know how kids just get stubborn about stuff? They either dwell on an issue ad nauseum, or just keep getting angrier? It seems to me that they do that because they just don't know how to get themselves out of the situation; they're looking for an "out", but don't know how to do it. When that happens, I've found that saying something extremely silly to my DD seems to break the tension and give her a way out. We usually end up laughing and getting silly together and the original problem goes by the by.

Kids are so sweet at this age. I want to freeze-dry her and keep her like this forever :)

Sandra
 
Young kids will say anything to get at you. And they don't actually know what it all means. But they need to be aware of the consequences of their actions or words for that matter.

When my kids were younger and they wouldn't get what they wanted or I wouldn't let them do what they wanted they would say things like "I hate you". And I would smile and say "I love you too darling" which would make them even more mad. They don't know the true meaning of what they are saying and just try to get at you. They expect you to be angry. Give them an opposite response and they stop doing it. Afterwards I would always sit them down and discuss the matter with them and insist they apologise to me for "hurting my feelings" on purpose.

My youngest has said once or twice when I wouldn't let him have what he wanted that he didn't like living with me and he wanted to move in with his dad. I just told him to get a garbage bag, put his clothes in there (and don't forget your toys) and we'd call his dad to come pick him up. It totally upset him, cause I wasn't giving him the response he was looking for and he didn't want to go live with his dad. Like I said, he only did it once, maybe twice. And again, afterwards we discussed why he said what he said.

They're older now. They don't say stuff like that anymore. They just run off to their room, bang some doors, turn up the music, etc. And when they've quieted down, I stil sit them down and discuss the matter and if necessary, have them apologise to me (and / or their brother) for their behaviour.

Dutchie:)
 
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