Please help - want a divorce

A

anonymous

Member
Hello. You all know me but I am posting anonymous to keep my identity. Please help me - I want and need a divorce from my husband. He is verbally abusive to me and my two small children. He calls us every name in the book and puts us all down daily. He is scary, and I swear has multiple personalities. I am so afraid of him, and I myself want to hurt him for hurting us. I could go on and on, but don't have time as he looks over my shoulder alot. I just switched jobs and am afraid I won't have the income to support myself. Please - will I lose my kids if I want the divorce? I don't know what to do. I don't have friends as we got married young, and my family doesn't listen. Please help. You all are so great. Thank you very much.

Anon
 
Please get yourself and your children out of that environment NOW. Go to a shelter...if you need to find one, and are afraid to look it up because he's there, PM me where you are and I'll look it up for you. Do you have a car so that you can leave?
 
In the front of your phone book find the family services number for your county. Call it and tell them exactly what this post says.

No time to waste. You can come here any time and we all care for you, whether you post under your name or anonymously. Go! Call! Think of your kids and yourself. Please.
 
I agree with TeTe and Amy. It's time to get out. Worry about the small details later. And yes, money is a small detail compared to abuse. Be strong. You CAN do it.

Amy
 
My first husband was very abusive, after one of our fights I was able to call the cops and have him removed/arrested and that helped me start the paperwork for a restraining order and then later on a divorce.

You need to get out but it sounds like your too afraid to get out otherwise you would have gone by now. These situations can get crazy so for the sake of your children get to a safe haven or have him put out, changed the locks, cops stationed outside your place, family member staying with you, etc. Remember kids learn by what they see. Do you want your kids growing up thinking is ok to hit your spouse?


Carmen
 
May God watch over you and your little ones and may "he" give you the strength to take them and yourself to a shelter do not think about it. You took a brave stand coming here you know there is a problem that is the first step. Do you think you need a shelter? if so when he is not around can you trust any neighbors? The reason I ask is do not take a recognizable vehicle call a taxi do not make any phone calls that can trace back to you hide a bag with just a change of clothes do you have access to cash? Leave everything behind. Do you belong to a church? Is there anyone you can stay with if he would not harm you if you did leave? Get your family to believe hide a tape recorder to tape the verbal abuse, get a restraining order, go to pastor of your church.
beth6395

"Double Knot your laces and let's move on"
-Cathe Friedrich
 
I agree with what Amy said and Beth, use your church pastor, or look up domestic abuse lines in your phonebook. Get out now.

I was in a marriage where he almost killed me. He broke my nose, cracked vases over my head, kicked and spit at me, held a gun on me one time which was the final straw. I got a restraining order and left. I was scared to leave but finally with the help of a friend did. You have kids which makes it all the more urgent.

You can do it, and one day all of this will be a distant memory.
 
You've already gotten good advice, I just want to wish you the best and give you some cyber hugs [[[[[[anon.]]]]]
 
My dad did this to our whole family growing up and I'm not sorry for a second that my mom left him. It will be hard now, but your kids will thank you later. (((biggest hug))) and sympathy tears for you.
 
You have already gotten some great advice, just want to say that you are very strong and brave! Being a mom with innocent little lives in our hands makes many of us stronger than we would be otherwise. You have to get out of there right away. Best of luck, and remember you can always come here for support.
 
Everyone has already offered you excellent advice. You know what you need to do. Good luck and I too am sending hugs.
 
Everyone has already offered you excellent advice. You know what you need to do. Good luck and I too am sending hugs.
 
Anon, hi, this is my area of expertise, I work domestic violence at work. So, here we go, take it slowly..... fear is very strong. You MUST MUST be READY to Leave this situation. Studies have shown that women in violence relationships take at least 7 times (attempts) to leave their spouses. You are frightened and you need to seek out womens domestic counselling/support. They can set you up with all kinds of things from emergency housing, funding, teach you all about safety plans, getting you to feel good and confident within yourself. It sounds to me hubby is very controlling and manupulative, so your leaving needs to be planned and thought out. You must have somewhere to go somewhere that he doesn't know about or somewhere where you and your children feel safe.

Its important for you to consider the children, domestic violence effects the children in different ways, school work suffers, anger, if they are able to hear the name calling etc... they will start to be fearful of what is going to happen today etc.. Domestic violence is also a learnt behaviour, because your kids see daddy speaking and doing things that are inappropriate then they do what dad does.

Please i am not trying to give you a lecture you do whats right for you. Go to your local police station speak to the police about putting in place a restraining order, I highly recommend this option even though its only a piece of paper it offers you some piece of mind and if he breaches that order you call the police and they arrest your husband.
Trust me you need to speak to experts where you are and I would suggest, the local police and domestic violence support agencies. Your family will eventually come around. Its hard for them to believe that their loved one is in such an horrific situation so they choose the easier option of denial. O.K hubby is probably a great talker and very smooth. He will deny his behaviour he will be the innocent victim in all this, but YOU know the truth. If you need any further information or a further chat about this, get in contact with me through my email on line here at cathe.

This is a quick reply, and theres much much more that needs to be said and done but hopefully, you are now pointed in the right direction. Try to trust in yourself and get courage, be brave and make the right steps, don't listen to his words, you are better than that you are better than he is. Play smarter!

Andrea
 
Hey Anon,

Again, you've rec'd some good advice. Please don't worry about who gets custody of the kids if you're the one seeking divorce. In most states, the kids almost always go with the mom primarily, altho there may be shared custody. However, once you are in a safe place, get the personal protection order and then document every infraction ... the courts will eventually award full custody to you. In the meantime, once you make a public allegation of abuse, he will probably get supervised visitation until the abuse is proven. Every state has their own laws on this. Be sure to seek out advice from the local women's shelter or domestic violence agency or an attorney before you take action. Financially, once you legally separate, the courts will require him to provide for the kids. Good luck to you ... be strong ... and please do not provoke him just to get some evidence that can be used in the custody battle ... if he's abusive, it'll come out anyways. Deb
 
((((Hugs))))) You won't lose your kids if you divorce this guy no matter what he says. You don't need your family or friends to get away from him. That's why there are shelters--men like this isolate women from their natural support networks so they can keep abusing them without reprisal. Would you want your children to marry someone like him or worse, become someone like him?? Sadly, the risk that they will increases the longer you stay with him, because that behavior becomes "normal" to them. Get out as fast as you can. He can only escalate from what's he'd done so far. He won't change. It won't get better. You can do this!

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
Anon,

Everyone has given you great advice. Please get out ASAP. Get your children and yourself in a safe place, then you can better decide on what the next step will be.

(((((Hugs))))) and prayers your way. Let us know if you made it out OK.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

http://www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
 
You are all so sweet. It just isn't that easy. It isn't like he hits us. He just calls us every name you can think of, you know?? That is why it is hard to leave. B/c no physical abuse (mostly), except to our puppy...can I just say, that sometimes, I wish he would just slap me so I could have a "solid" reason to leave. I hope that makes sense... sorry if that sounds so bad. I can't leave right now - we all have the flu.
:(
 
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