Please help - want a divorce

Sorry for what you are going through. Hugs to you, However, it is still abuse and maybe you could at least call and talk to a domestic violence counselor. Mental abuse will harm your kids just as much in the long run. Good luck.
LD
 
{{{Anonymous}}}

Verbal, mental, or emotional abuse are ALL SOLID reasons to leave. Please call family services or a shelter and get out. You deserve better!
 
You and your children being verbally abused daily is reason enough. Do you really want to wait to see which one of you'll he'll hit first? If he's so cowardly that he's abusing a puppy, I can't imagine that he's not capable of taking his insecurities out on you and the kids.

Please, you and your family deserve better than this.

Take the puppy with you when you go.
 
Anon,

If you are using the excuse of the flu not to leave, then you are in trouble. And if he is hurting the puppy, it's just the beginning of more and more abuse. I think if he hit you, you still wouldn't leave, and you will come up with another excuse.

Sorry for being so blunt, but if you are so unhappy, even if you were not abused, you should leave. Life is really too short to put up with that crap.

Get out girl while you have the chance. You may not know it, but it is a bad relationship already. You have been desensitized to it. Don't be a fool. Save your children.

I care about all women in these circumstances, that's why I'm so blunt right now. Hopefully our messages will get into your head.

You are not right in mind now, because of the abuse. Know this and do something about it. Get Help!

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

http://www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
 
You won't lose your kids if he's abusive and you are able to prove it. Best advice I can give you is to speak to a lawyer, then leave him. I made it well known on this board that I was leaving an unhappy marriage last month and I'm so happy that I did. Granted, I make a decent salary, twice what my husband does, so that wasn't an issue. And I'm not a bit scared of him. But the fact that you are afraid of him is probably the best reason you have to leave him. You absolutely don't want your kids growing up in that atmosphere.

Lawyer....then leave.
 
I don't have any words of wisdom beyond what you've already been given, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and I hope you can find the courage to do what is best for you and your children. {{{{{Anonymous}}}}}
 
If you need help making plans, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great support network. They have information on programs nation wide.

The phone number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

The website is www.ndvh.org -- PLEASE know that your husband could be monitoring or recording your computer use, so do this at the library or an internet cafe if you need to.

{{{Anon}}} -- take care of yourself and your kids. You'll be in my thoughts.

Eileen
 
I have to agree with the others who feel that you should take action, or at least create a plan, immediately. You know what your heart is telling you to do, and we all heard that message too, so it does you no good to equivocate and make up excuses. Your mind is made up and now you have to let your willpower and courage catch up. I truly believe that you have all the strength and the courage you need to get through it.

Amy
 
As a woman who grew up with a verbally abusive father, let me assure you that verbal abuse is just as bad (if not worse) than physical. Physical scars heal. Emotional scarring - not so much.

My two brothers and I are still, as adults in our 40s, reeling and coping with the verbal abuse, along with the hostile "air" in our household, in which we grew up.

If you think you don't have a "solid" reason to leave, you are kidding yourself and sacrificing your children.

I'll be blunt - If you don't want to save yourself, grow some balls and get the hell out to save your children. You owe them that much for choosing to have them with an abuser.
 
First, get the puppy out of the house. No animal deserves to be abused ever, by anyone. The puppy can't act in it's own defense. Second, I'm troubled by the word (mostly) in your email. He doesn't physically abuse you (mostly). ANY abuse is unacceptable. If he does it once, he'll do it again, and then again, and it will escalate. People who abuse animals, generally also abuse people, and clearly he's sticking with that pattern. As others have stated - gather some things when he's a work, get the dog and the kids and GET OUT. The time to go is now, not after someone has been seriously physically hurt or worse. My thoughts are with you.
 
>As a woman who grew up with a verbally abusive father, let me
>assure you that verbal abuse is just as bad (if not worse)
>than physical. Physical scars heal. Emotional scarring - not
>so much.
>
>My two brothers and I are still, as adults in our 40s, reeling
>and coping with the verbal abuse, along with the hostile "air"
>in our household, in which we grew up.
>
>If you think you don't have a "solid" reason to leave, you are
>kidding yourself and sacrificing your children.
>
>I'll be blunt - If you don't want to save yourself, grow some
>balls and get the hell out to save your children. You owe
>them that much for choosing to have them with an abuser.
>
>
>
>
I agree! I too come from a back ground of an abusive dad, physically as well as verbally. I don't post here much, and will probably get flamed for saying this, but it still amazes me the excuses women use NOT to leave an abusive man. When I was able to finally move out I spent years resenting my mother for not having the balls to do something to take care of us 5 kids. I KNOW its scary but there is help out there, you are doing a disservice to your children by allowing him to abuse them, so what if he isn't hitting, name calling is STILL ABUSE, trust me the hitting will come too. Sorry but this is one topic that really sets me off. I truly do not understand why women continue to put up with this crap. I truly hope you get help before it gets worse.
 
>B/c no physical abuse
>(mostly), except to our puppy...

first let me say that i was married to an abusive man. i should have known in the beginning when he hurt a puppy we had... it DID escalate to greater verbal abuse and physical abuse.

Animal Abuse and Human Abuse

Violent acts toward animals have long been recognized as indicators of a dangerous psychopathy that does not confine itself to animals. "Anyone who has accustomed himself to regard the life of any living creature as worthless is in danger of arriving also at the idea of worthless human lives," wrote humanitarian Dr. Albert Schweitzer. "Murderers ... very often start out by killing and torturing animals as kids," according to Robert K. Ressler, who developed profiles of serial killers for the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). Studies have now convinced sociologists, lawmakers, and the courts that acts of cruelty toward animals deserve our attention. They can be the first sign of a violent pathology that includes human victims.

A Long Road of Violence

Animal abuse is not just the result of a minor personality flaw in the abuser, but a symptom of a deep mental disturbance. Research in psychology and criminology shows that people who commit acts of cruelty against animals don’t stop there; many of them move on to their fellow humans.

The FBI has found that a history of cruelty to animals is one of the traits that regularly appear in its computer records of serial rapists and murderers, and the standard diagnostic and treatment manual for psychiatric and emotional disorders lists cruelty to animals as a diagnostic criterion for conduct disorders. (1)
Studies have shown that violent and aggressive criminals are more likely to have abused animals as children than criminals considered non-aggressive. (2) A survey of psychiatric patients who had repeatedly tortured dogs and cats found that all of them had high levels of aggression toward people as well, including one patient who had murdered a boy. (3) To researchers, a fascination with cruelty to animals is a red flag in the lives of serial rapists and killers. (4)

Says Robert Ressler, founder of the FBI’s behavioral sciences unit, "These are the kids who never learned it’s wrong to poke out a puppy’s eyes." (5)

Notorious Killers

History is replete with notorious examples: Patrick Sherrill, who killed 14 coworkers at a post office and then shot himself, had a history of stealing local pets and allowing his own dog to attack and mutilate them.(6) Earl Kenneth Shriner, who raped, stabbed, and mutilated a 7-year-old boy, had been widely known in his neighborhood as the man who put firecrackers in dogs’ rectums and strung up cats.(7) Brenda Spencer, who opened fire at a San Diego school, killing two children and injuring nine others, had repeatedly abused cats and dogs, often by setting their tails on fire.(8) Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" who killed 13 women, trapped dogs and cats in orange crates and shot arrows through the boxes in his youth.(9) Carroll Edward Cole, executed for five of the 35 murders of which he was accused, said his first act of violence as a child was to strangle a puppy.(10) In 1987, three Missouri high school students were charged with the beating death of a classmate. They had histories of repeated acts of animal mutilation starting several years earlier. One confessed that he had killed so many cats he’d lost count. (11) Two brothers who murdered their parents had previously told classmates that they had decapitated a cat.(12) Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer had impaled dogs’ heads, frogs, and cats on sticks.(13)

More recently, high school killers such as 15-year-old Kip Kinkel in Springfield, Ore., and Luke Woodham, 16, in Pearl, Miss., tortured animals before embarking on shooting sprees.(14) Columbine High School students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, who shot and killed 12 classmates before turning their guns on themselves, bragged about mutilating animals to their friends.(15)

"There is a common theme to all of the shootings of recent years," says Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, director of the Child Study Center at New York University. "You have a child who has symptoms of aggression toward his peers, an interest in fire, cruelty to animals, social isolation, and many warning signs that the school has ignored."(16)

Sadly, many of these criminals’ childhood violence went unexamined—until it was directed toward humans. As anthropologist Margaret Mead noted, "One of the most dangerous things that can happen to a child is to kill or torture an animal and get away with it."(17)

Animal Cruelty and Family Violence

Because domestic abuse is directed toward the powerless, animal abuse and child abuse often go hand in hand. Parents who neglect an animal’s need for proper care or abuse animals may also abuse or neglect their own children. Some abusive adults who know better than to abuse a child in public have no such qualms about abusing an animal publicly.

In 88 percent of 57 New Jersey families being treated for child abuse, animals in the home had been abused.(18) Of 23 British families with a history of animal neglect, 83 percent had been identified by experts as having children at risk of abuse or neglect.(19) In one study of battered women, 57 percent of those with pets said their partners had harmed or killed the animals. One in four said that she stayed with the batterer because she feared leaving the pet behind.(20)

While animal abuse is an important sign of child abuse, the parent isn’t always the one harming the animal. Children who abuse animals may be repeating a lesson learned at home; like their parents, they are reacting to anger or frustration with violence. Their violence is directed at the only individual in the family more vulnerable than themselves: an animal. One expert says, "Children in violent homes are characterized by ... frequently participating in pecking-order battering," in which they may maim or kill an animal. Indeed, domestic violence is the most common background for childhood cruelty to animals.(21)

Stopping the Cycle of Abuse

There is "a consensus of belief among psychologists ... that cruelty to animals is one of the best examples of the continuity of psychological disturbances from childhood to adulthood. In short, a case for the prognostic value of childhood animal cruelty has been well documented," according to the Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine.(22)

Schools, parents, communities, and courts who shrug off animal abuse as a "minor" crime are ignoring a time bomb. Instead, communities should be aggressively penalizing animal abusers, examining families for other signs of violence, and requiring intensive counseling for perpetrators. Communities must recognize that abuse to ANY living individual is unacceptable and endangers everyone.

In 1993, California became the first state to pass a law requiring animal control officers to report child abuse. Voluntary abuse-reporting measures are also on the books in Ohio, Connecticut, and Washington, D.C. Similar legislation has been introduced in Florida. "Pet abuse is a warning sign of abuse to the two-legged members of the family," says the bill’s sponsor, Representative Steve Effman. "We can’t afford to ignore the connection any longer."(23)

Additionally, children should be taught to care for and respect animals in their own right. After extensive study of the links between animal abuse and human abuse, two experts concluded, "The evolution of a more gentle and benign relationship in human society might, thus, be enhanced by our promotion of a more positive and nurturing ethic between children and animals."(24)

What You Can Do
• Urge your local school and judicial systems to take cruelty to animals seriously. Laws must send a strong message that violence against any feeling creature—human or other-than-human—is unacceptable.
• Be aware of signs of neglect or abuse in children and animals. Take children seriously if they report animals’ being neglected or mistreated. Some children won’t talk about their own suffering but will talk about an animal’s.
• Don’t ignore even minor acts of cruelty to animals by children. Talk to the child and the child’s parents. If necessary, call a social worker.

References
1. Daniel Goleman, "Child’s Love of Cruelty May Hint at the Future Killer," The New York Times, 7 Aug. 1991.
2. "Animal Abuse Forecast of Violence," New Orleans Times-Picayune, 1 Jan. 1987.
3. Alan R. Felthous, "Aggression Against Cats, Dogs, and People," Child Psychiatry and Human Development, 10 (1980), 169-177.
4. Goleman.
5. Robert Ressler, quoted in "Animal Cruelty May Be a Warning," Washington Times, 23 June 1998.
6. International Association of Chiefs of Police, The Training Key, No. 392, 1989.
7. The Animals’ Voice, Fall 1990.
8. The Humane Society News, Summer 1986.
9. International Association of Chiefs of Police.
10. Ibid.
11. Ibid.
12. Lorraine Adams, "Too Close for Comfort," The Washington Post, 4 Apr. 1995.
13. Goleman.
14. Deborah Sharp, "Animal Abuse Will Often Cross Species Lines," USA Today, 28 Apr. 2000.
15. Mitchell Zuckoff, "Loners Drew Little Notice," Boston Globe, 22 Apr. 1999.
16. Ethan Bronner, "Experts Urge Swift Action to Fight Depression and Aggression," The New York Times, p. A21.
17. Margaret Mead, Ph.D, "Cultural Factors in the Cause and Prevention of Pathological Homicide," Bulletin in the Menninger Clinic, No. 28 (1964),
pp. 11-22.
18. Elizabeth DeViney, Jeffrey Dickert, and Randall Lockwood, "The Care of Pets Within Child-Abusing Families," International Journal for the Study of
Animal Problems, 4 (1983) 321-329.
19. "Child Abuse and Cruelty to Animals," Washington Humane Society.
20. Sharp.
21. Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine, Animal Health Newsletter, Nov. 1994.
22. Ibid.
23. Sharp.
24. Stephen R. Kellert, Ph.D., and Alan R. Felthous, M.D., "Childhood Cruelty Toward Animals Among Criminals and Noncriminals

********************************************************************

Animal Cruelty and Family Violence

Researchers have found that a batterer’s first target is often an animal living in the home, the second—a spouse or child. Often, batterers are able to control their victims, such as a spouse, by threatening, torturing, and/or killing the victim’s animals.

A study published in the February 2000 Violence Against Women found that of 111 battered women with companion animals in shelters in South Carolina, almost half reported that their current or former male partners had threatened or abused their animals.

A 1995 study of women living in Wisconsin shelters because of domestic abuse found that 80 percent of their batterers had been violent to their animals.

A 1997 study found that workers in 85 percent of the largest women’s shelters in 48 states had heard reports from women about animal abuse incidents.

A study comparing 101 women who had been living with animals in five Utah shelters to 120 women who lived with animals and who were not experiencing domestic violence revealed an almost 50 percent difference in the incidence of domestic animal abuse reported.
Cruel to Animals, Cruel to Children
Because domestic abuse is directed toward the powerless, animal abuse and child abuse often go hand in hand. Parents who neglect an animal’s need for proper care or abuse animals may also abuse or neglect their own children.

While animal abuse is an important sign of child abuse, the parent isn’t always the one harming the animal. Children who abuse animals may be repeating a lesson learned at home; like their parents, they are reacting to anger or frustration with violence. Their violence is directed at the only individual in the family more vulnerable than themselves: an animal. One expert says, “Children in violent homes are characterized by ... frequently participating in pecking-order battering,” in which they may maim or kill an animal. Indeed, domestic violence is the most common background for childhood cruelty to animals.

In 88 percent of 57 New Jersey families being treated for child abuse, animals in the home had been abused. An unpublished study by Frank Ascione of Utah State University found a strong pattern suggesting that child abuse victims are more likely to harm animals. Ascione found that 25.5 percent of physically abused children were cruel to animals, 13.2 percent of sexually abused children were cruel to animals, 34 percent of both physically and sexually abused children were cruel to animals, while only 4.7 percent of non-abused children were cruel to animals.
Cross-Reporting: a MultiAgency Approach
Animal abuse is often discovered earlier than child or domestic abuse because it so often occurs in plain view. While hiding their own abuse, human victims may talk openly of animal abuse or neglect occurring in the family. Since laws governing animal abuse and child abuse investigation and intervention differ, animal control agents can often enter homes when social service workers cannot. Working together through cross-reporting, these agencies can help one another gain information about possible neglect and abuse.

Baltimore police who file domestic violence reports are required to note the presence and condition of companion animals. The Philadelphia Police Department plans to add a seminar on cross-reporting to a new training program for investigators. The New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women works with animal control to identify signs of domestic violence. Florida lawmakers have proposed a law that would require child-abuse investigators to report cruelty to companion animals and animal control officers to report suspected child abuse.

Studies that have found that up to 40 percent of women have delayed seeking safety from their batterers for as long as two months because of concern for their companion animals have led to collaboration among social service and government agencies to develop programs to provide foster care for these animals. There are at least 113 of these programs planned or in existence in the United States.

The oldest program is Colorado Spring’s Domestic Violence Enhanced Response Team (DVERT). Twenty-six agencies, including the district attorney’s office, court advocates, human services, domestic violence groups, and the local humane society, work with police when an animal is living in the home where a domestic violence investigation is taking place. The humane society may shelter the animals involved.

A national public opinion survey by the Humane Society of the United States showed enormous support for cross-reporting: More than four out of five Americans support having teachers, social workers, animal welfare officers, and law enforcement officials share information on juveniles who abuse animals. Four out of five American adults support requiring social workers, animal welfare workers, and law enforcement officials to share information on cases of animal abuse to help identify potential situations of child abuse. Seventy-seven percent favor establishing a system to track adult animal cruelty offenders to identify other kinds of likely violent offenses.

In addition to local veterinarians’ becoming involved in cross-reporting, many provide foster care for the companion animals of the victims of domestic violence.
Abusers Cross Species Lines
• Wisconsin’s Leonard Kritz received time served for chopping the heads off three cockatiels, a conure, a chinchilla, a python, a boa constrictor, and another snake, after his wife told him that she had had an abortion. Kritz used a World War II bayonet to decapitate the animals and claimed that he did so in order to “teach his wife about the sanctity of life.”

• For 13 years, the husband of Sandra Ruotolo of Pennsylvania battered her. The last time, he took a break from beating her with a vacuum cleaner cord and punched Ruotolo’s dog in the face, warning her that if she left him, he would find her and slit her four dogs’ throats in front of her. After contemplating suicide, Ruotolo looked at her dog and thought, “if I die, Duchess, what’s going to happen to you?” and shot her husband to death instead.

• After Melissa Davis of Ocala, Fla., moved in with a friend because her husband repeatedly beat her, he found her and threatened to kill her dogs unless she came home. Davis refused and was presented with the head of her 4-month-old puppy later that day.

• Before Rev. Javan M. McBurrows of Pennsylvania was charged with beating to death a 4-year-old boy, he had been found guilty of two counts of cruelty to animals for mistreating two dogs and convicted of choking his wife, who testified that McBurrows had beaten all eight children living in their house. in the back of the house, police found a neglected dog who was confined to a pen, malnourished, and covered with sores.

• Guillermo Lerma of Edinburg, Texas, who is serving a life sentence for killing his girlfriend’s 2-year-old daughter, decapitated a live puppy in front of a different girlfriend’s children, warning that he would decapitate them as well if they told their mother.

• Rebecca M. Byrd of Brunswick, Maine, was charged with beating her two children, breaking nine bones in her 4-month-old daughter’s body, and punching her son’s head. Shortly before her arrest for these crimes, Byrd’s dog was found dead at the end of a chain tied to an oil tank, left to starve to death with no protection from the elements.

A Long Road of Violence

All too often, animal cruelty is viewed as a childhood prank and chalked up to the old adage “boys will be boys.” But it is foolhardy to ignore statistics that show that kids who hurt animals may be on a dangerous path that will only get worse if not corrected. Studies have shown that violent and aggressive criminals are more likely to have abused animals as children than criminals considered non-aggressive.

A 1999 Canadian study of 63 suspects who were charged with animal cruelty—ranging from severe animal neglect to intentional killing—found that 78 percent of them had also been charged with offenses involving violence, or the threat of violence, against people. A 1997 study revealed that 46 percent of criminals convicted of sexual homicide had previously committed acts of cruelty toward animals. A survey of psychiatric patients who had repeatedly tortured dogs and cats found that all of them had high levels of aggression toward people as well. All the kids involved in the devastating school shootings in recent years first “practiced” on animals.
School shooters share violent past
• April 1999/Littleton, Colo. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold shot to death 12 fellow students and a teacher and injured more than 20 others. Both teens had reportedly boasted about mutilating animals.

• May 1998/Springfield, Ore. Kip Kinkel, 15, killed his parents and opened fire in his high school cafeteria, killing two and injuring 22 others. He had a history of animal abuse and torture, having boasted about blowing up a cow and killing cats, chipmunks, and squirrels by putting lit firecrackers in their mouths.

• March 1998/Jonesboro, Ark. Mitchell Johnson, 13, and Andrew Golden, 11, pulled their school’s fire alarm and then shot and killed four classmates and a teacher. Golden reportedly used to shoot dogs “all the time with a .22.”

• December 1997/West Paducah, Ky. Michael Carneal, 14, shot and killed three students during a school prayer meeting. Carneal had been heard talking about throwing a cat into a bonfire.

• October 1997/Pearl, Miss. Luke Woodham, 16, shot and killed two of his classmates and injured seven others after stabbing his mother to death. Woodham’s journal revealed that, in a moment of “true beauty,” he and a friend had beaten, burned, and tortured his own dog, Sparkle, to death.
 
Are you out yet? Just some thoughts on the religious angle too - God, or Nature created you to be all you can be, a full and productive loving person - anyone who squashes that in you is stilting your purpose as a human being.....you know that you're being abused.....and now innocent kids and animals - blameless in God's eyes are being abused if you don't get out! Then it becomes YOUR guilt because you are not protecting them.......rally your inner lion and GET OUT......Screw all the possessions, and trust in yourself...get that DOG out of there!!!! Get your kids out of there! Emotional abuse is as evil as physical if not more so because it destroys your soul.

You are a child of God and have the DUTY to be the person you were born to be...and this jerk needs to be stopped.

Get in the car and run....


And by the way.......I'm not in your shoes, but I sure remember being in them............Godspeed to you.....
 

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