Hi,
I feel so bad for you that you haven't found the kind of support here that will help you overcome your eating disorder. I wish I could help. But instead of trying to say something helpful about a subject I know little about, I'm going to tell you a kind of funny (and sad) story about why I'm NOT bulimic. Maybe it will help??? I just want to say SOMETHING to let you know that I care.
I was anorexic when I was young, eating roughly 300 calories a day and exercising for hours. I lived on green beans. Blacked out for a second or two every time I stood up too fast. Then, when I could no longer control my eating that strictly, I went the opposite direction, becoming a binge-eater and ballooning up to 289 pounds.
You see, I got the binge part right. 289--that's definitely a world class "binger." But I once tried to purge. I actually made a conscious decision, when I was 15, to become a bulimic. I had dieted since age 12. Lost 25 pounds then and gained back 40. Was desperate to be thin for high school. Now that's a sad thing, that someone so young and uninformed would be that desperate. But I expect that's how most bulimics got in the situation they're in, isn't it? Or some variation of that simple story. The only reason I became a binge eater instead of bingeing and purging is because I couldn't do it. Not that I didn't try. I PHYSICALLY couldn't do it. I hid out in the bathroom one evening when my parents were gone and tried. I choked and gagged and coughed and sputtered Nothing. I tried thinking about disgusting things and then trying to purge. Still nothing. Finally, after 15 or 20 minutes, I heard my parents come in and had to stop trying. But when I came out of the bathroom and tried to talk to them, I couldn't speak! Imagine trying to talk with a mouth full of marshmallows! I guess my tongue and throat and lips were swollen from trying for so long. My folks couldn't figure out what was wrong! Thought I was sick! And how can you possibly explain something like that? I just mumbled something hateful so they'd leave me alone, then ran off and hid in my room, wondering if I'd done some kind of permanent damage. How humiliating! I'm 41 now, and I only recently told them that story--complete with gestures and sound effects. It took that long before it was funny. And it's still only funny in a very sad way.
I guess it's a good thing it didn't work, although I'm not sure the 289 pounds was much better, healthwise. Weighing 289, however, is much more of an incentive to do something about it! Maintaining a normal weight, as you have, must make it MUCH more difficult, because you don't have that daily, hideous reminder in the mirror.
It took me over ten years to get things under control. And bingeing, even without the purging, is most definitely an eating disorder, in my opinion, although I'm not sure it's recognized as such, and I've never heard of an effective treatment. The up side of all this is that I do have it under control, now. I'm exercising a normal, healthy amount (after doing NO formal exercise for over l0 years). And my eating is under control, now, too. I eat normal amounts of healthy foods. This has truly been a lifestyle change. Much more so than my yo-yo, temporary-solution dieting of the past. But I don't kid myself that my troubles are behind me. I know I have to be always cautious, always careful.
Don't give up. Please. It IS possible to get eating disorders under control, even though you'll never be free of them. Get professional help, and don't settle for just ANY therapist. They may be qualified and just not right for you. Keep trying until you find one that "fits," one whose personality and style compliment your own. Someone you can respect. And don't forget that your ED will never go away. They sneak up on you and catch you unawares if you forget. Personally, I'll always be obsessed with food. It's my nature. I just have to work around it, use it to my advantage instead of my disadvantage. So now I try to obsess about health, instead.
I know I wasn't much help, but I do care. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
Shari
I feel so bad for you that you haven't found the kind of support here that will help you overcome your eating disorder. I wish I could help. But instead of trying to say something helpful about a subject I know little about, I'm going to tell you a kind of funny (and sad) story about why I'm NOT bulimic. Maybe it will help??? I just want to say SOMETHING to let you know that I care.
I was anorexic when I was young, eating roughly 300 calories a day and exercising for hours. I lived on green beans. Blacked out for a second or two every time I stood up too fast. Then, when I could no longer control my eating that strictly, I went the opposite direction, becoming a binge-eater and ballooning up to 289 pounds.
You see, I got the binge part right. 289--that's definitely a world class "binger." But I once tried to purge. I actually made a conscious decision, when I was 15, to become a bulimic. I had dieted since age 12. Lost 25 pounds then and gained back 40. Was desperate to be thin for high school. Now that's a sad thing, that someone so young and uninformed would be that desperate. But I expect that's how most bulimics got in the situation they're in, isn't it? Or some variation of that simple story. The only reason I became a binge eater instead of bingeing and purging is because I couldn't do it. Not that I didn't try. I PHYSICALLY couldn't do it. I hid out in the bathroom one evening when my parents were gone and tried. I choked and gagged and coughed and sputtered Nothing. I tried thinking about disgusting things and then trying to purge. Still nothing. Finally, after 15 or 20 minutes, I heard my parents come in and had to stop trying. But when I came out of the bathroom and tried to talk to them, I couldn't speak! Imagine trying to talk with a mouth full of marshmallows! I guess my tongue and throat and lips were swollen from trying for so long. My folks couldn't figure out what was wrong! Thought I was sick! And how can you possibly explain something like that? I just mumbled something hateful so they'd leave me alone, then ran off and hid in my room, wondering if I'd done some kind of permanent damage. How humiliating! I'm 41 now, and I only recently told them that story--complete with gestures and sound effects. It took that long before it was funny. And it's still only funny in a very sad way.
I guess it's a good thing it didn't work, although I'm not sure the 289 pounds was much better, healthwise. Weighing 289, however, is much more of an incentive to do something about it! Maintaining a normal weight, as you have, must make it MUCH more difficult, because you don't have that daily, hideous reminder in the mirror.
It took me over ten years to get things under control. And bingeing, even without the purging, is most definitely an eating disorder, in my opinion, although I'm not sure it's recognized as such, and I've never heard of an effective treatment. The up side of all this is that I do have it under control, now. I'm exercising a normal, healthy amount (after doing NO formal exercise for over l0 years). And my eating is under control, now, too. I eat normal amounts of healthy foods. This has truly been a lifestyle change. Much more so than my yo-yo, temporary-solution dieting of the past. But I don't kid myself that my troubles are behind me. I know I have to be always cautious, always careful.
Don't give up. Please. It IS possible to get eating disorders under control, even though you'll never be free of them. Get professional help, and don't settle for just ANY therapist. They may be qualified and just not right for you. Keep trying until you find one that "fits," one whose personality and style compliment your own. Someone you can respect. And don't forget that your ED will never go away. They sneak up on you and catch you unawares if you forget. Personally, I'll always be obsessed with food. It's my nature. I just have to work around it, use it to my advantage instead of my disadvantage. So now I try to obsess about health, instead.
I know I wasn't much help, but I do care. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
Shari
