Please Help Me - In major (emotional) pain..

Hi Amyrobin,

It's a platitude, but you can't change what other people do, only what you do. I think your (ex-)boyfriend is really admirable to be so honest with you. You and he just don't want the same things from the relationship; he has recognized that, and he is getting out of the way so neither of you waste any more time on this dead-end. I think you are really admirable too, for not contacting him. That shows, I think, that somehow your better judgement maybe sees that he's right. You just have to find some way to accept that through and through.

Now you're hurting, so that means you have to be a good friend to yourself, be a little strict with yourself, and be sure to do what you have to do. The following might sound a little strange, but they are strategies I used once when I was heartbroken after breaking up with someone I had lived with for 3 years.

At work, it might help if you focus a bit on your co-workers or boss-- if you are not doing your job properly, you are letting them down in some way. If you focus on working for their sake, it might help to take your mind off "you know who" for a while. I was a teacher, so I focused on trying to be a better teacher for my students. It wasn't their fault I had a messy private life. Also, what about your family and other friends? They still care about you even if "y.k.w." doesn't seem to any more. Why don't you try to do something fun with them to get your mind off it. If you recognize what a nice family and great friends you have, you will probably realize that you must be pretty great too, to have a family and friends like that. Also, it's times like this when family and friends really come in handy!

I hope you feel better soon. I know you will! It takes a couple of weeks for the first shock to go over and recovery to start.

All the best,

Mary
 
You said that you wanted more stories, right? My friend that I mentioned to you has now kicked her husband out again in hopes that he will "find himself" and realize that he wants to be with her. I'm not sure that will happen, but am glad she's not just going to put up with it either. They are not talking until the first part of October. Is this really where you want to end up? Your ex has been pretty clear about what he wants and what he doesn't want. Don't force him because it will only backfire on you. Be thankful that he isn't calling you and dragging out your pain any more.

It WILL get better. Time WILL heal you. As much as you hate to hear that, it's true. Celebrate you!!!! Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Expect the same from others in your life.

Keep us posted. We're all rooting for you!

Suz

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." - Anatole France

http://www.picturetrail.com/dogs2birds
 
Hi Amy!

Give me his number Amy! I'll take care of him! :7 Hang in there..things will look brighter eventually. I'll try to drop you an E-mail later...I need to scoot right now. Thinking of you still. HUGS!


http://www.PictureTrail.com/gid8692709
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
>It's a platitude, but you can't change what other people do, only what you do. I think your (ex-)boyfriend is really admirable to be so honest with you. You and he just don't want the same things from the relationship; he has recognized that, and he is getting out of the way so neither of you waste any more time on this dead-end.<

It may sound very cut-and-dry and very "easy for you to say", but what Mary (I hope I remembered correctly!) said above is the absolute truth. You want marriage and he doesn't. Although your emotions are raw now and you may not see it, he has done you a favor by letting you go so that you can be free to find someone who appreciates you, who will feel lucky to be with you and who wants the same things as you do. You don't want or need to be with someone you have to "convince" to be there.

Breakups are so very painful, but intellecutally, you KNOW you will get through this. It will get better - we have all been through it. Just stay busy and get interested in some new things - or rediscover things you used to love doing.
 
I'm so sorry for your pain. I had my heart broken terribly about 10 years ago and I thought my world was over. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep and I cried all the time. I couldn't imagine my life without this person. But as time went on it got easier and easier and the pain went away. As Wendy stated, I enjoyed being single and leaned on my friends. About a year later I met my husband and am so grateful that things turned out the way they did.

I told my husband before we got married that if at any point he decided he didn't want to be with me or didn't love me he had to tell me because I never wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. It's not fair to cheat yourself. You deserve someone who wants all the same things you do. This is your life your talking about. Never settle for something you don't really want!

Hang in there! It WILL get easier. Take it one day at a time and lean on those close to you for support.

HUGS!

Katie
 
Amy,

All the pain and longing you are feeling is normal. You love him and that doesn not turn off simply because the relationship has ended. Emotions usually can't be flipped off like a light. The only thing you can do is get through it day by day because really, what other choice do you have? You want more from a man than he is willing to give. So, being with him is out. Curling up on the couch and fading away, while often a tempting option, can't be done either. Life goes on. So you must go forward through the pain. Don't expect to feel better right away; you won't. Your emotional job right now is to point yourself in the direction of the light at the end of the tunnel. Point yourself toward it, and keep moving toward it.

Don't however, let yourself get into such despair that you would hurt yourself. I speak bluntly about this because I was there once, over a man who absolutely devastated me emotionally. This is probably TMI, but there was a night in my life when I seriously contemplated a bottle of pills in my medicine chest. If my brother hadn't phoned I don't know what would have happened. He recognized I was in bad shape and kept me talking until my best friend arrived. The next day I called Employee Resources at my company and started seeing a therapist. Now I look back on those days and can't recognize who I was. Today I'm walking, talking proof that it not only gets better, but that it gets great. I have a fantastic husband.

HTH. Feel free to PM me, even if it is just to vent and rage. <<<<HUGS>>>>

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
You've been together for three years with someone whom you say is all things great yet it sounds like your hinging your happiness on marriage.Many people are married longer than that and aren't even close to all the good things you say.He's with you,isn't that commitment?You seem to have something very special that few people attain,is a marriage going to change that? BTW My boyfriend and I celebrate our 10 year anniversary next week.
I apologize since this post seems a bit abrupt I honestly don't mean it to. When your typing things tend to come out cold and unfeeling.May be think about what the most important part of your relationship is.
Karen
 
Amy,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have received a lot of excellent advice. However, I will share another story with you.

This story is about me and my former DH. We had been living together for about three years. On and off I had brought up our future, but the conversation never really went anywhere. Finally, I had it. I gave him an ultimatum. Marry me or that's it...it's over. Well, he told me that he needed time away to think about it, because he was unsure. He left for a week and stayed with a friend. The deal was that I was not to call him or contact him and he would do the same. He wanted to see what it was like "without me". It was a difficult week and when he returned I was overjoyed when he said he would marry me.

Fast forward 2 years later and he had already cheated on me. We separated and there was no chance of reconciliation and I really didn't want to work it out because in my mind, cheating is the ultimate betrayal. I filed for divorce a few years later.

No here's the real kicker....Are you ready? When I filed for divorce he said "We never should have gotten married. We should have just been good friends because I couldn't see you as my wife, but I felt so pressured". Imagine my devastation when I heard this. In my eyes, he was the ultimate catch and to hear him say this just crushed me. Of course I blamed myself. I should have never brought up marriage. I should have left thing the way they were. All of a sudden I felt I was not worthy or good enough, I was too fat, I was ugly, etc, etc, etc.

Yes, it took a VERY long time to get over this and to get my self-esteem back. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I can now see the things that were red flags in our relationship. I wasted 8 years of my life with a man that didn't love me enough to be my husband or find me worthy enough to be called his wife.

I commend your boyfriend for his honesty even though it hurts. Had he succumbed to the pressure ( like my ex-DH) he would have married you for the wrong reasons and you really don't want that. Please don't misunderstand me and think that I am saying you put TOO MUCH pressure on him. I don't think you did as you have every right to want to know where your relationship is going. However in HIS mind he probably felt the pressure.

Amy, trust me when I say that you will find someone who is perfect for you. Your relationship with your ex-boyfriend is just not meant to be, for whatever reason. You want marriage to be for all the RIGHT reasons.

Please take the time now to take care of yourself and do good things for yourself. It will get easier with each passing day. I promise.

Joanne
 
I am so sorry for this to be happening to you. However, when people tell you who they are, you need to make sure and believe them. Your ex is telling you that he is not a person for commitment. Why won't you believe him? He is telling you that he can't give you want you want. Why won't you believe him? Allow him to save you some more heartache and take his message and bravery to not just give in and go on.

I was once in a go no where relationship and my mother said the best thing to me. She asked me to tell her my "love story" with this man. When I said what our relationship was about outloud it wasn't the story I wanted to be telling. So, think about whether you want your "love story" to be, "Well he told me repeatedly for three years that he wouldn't ever commit to being in a marriage with me but I cried enough and begged enough until he broke down and did it." YOU DESERVE BETTER.

cry. eat ice cream. workout. dial the phone a million times and hang up... then MOVE ON.



KIM
 
I'm so sorry Amyrobyn,

You are spending time with someone who doesn't see the same way as you. Perhaps the someone you are supposed to be with, is out there waiting for you (but you are not available).

It's OK to be single, there is nothing wrong in that. I wrote this because it is such a true statement.

If love is to be, you will know it beyond a shadow of doubt. And it doesn't take 3 years to figure it out. Move forward, and in the mean time, do things that make you happy, learn to like yourself, everyone deserves that. If you don't, then learn how to do it, perhaps some help with therapy, just to get through some rough spots.

While you are going through this most horrids of horrids, remember to stay focused, take deep breaths, and know it is a process you have to go through to heal. Things change all the time, you won't feel this way forever, it does get better, trust me. Life has a way with wonderful surprises along the way. Continue to be kind to people.

I hope the very best for you, and ((((hugs))) your way. I so feel for you.

Janie

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return"
Nature Boy by eden ahbez 1908-1995
 
Amy, don't think that he's not missing you. Men don't express themselves the way women do. I have no doubt he misses you, but he probably thinks he's doing what's best by not reaching out to you.

Also, it IS OK to curl up on the couch & feel sorry for yourself once in a while. Not every day, but you can't just bury your hurt & think it'll go away. You can't pretend he didn't exist or that this never happened. You have to cry, scream, yell, stuff yourself with chocolate, whatever makes you feel better.

And it will take time. I went through the ugliest breakup of my life about 6 months ago. I was depressed, hurt & my self esteem was at rock bottom. It affected all aspects of my life--it made my job more difficult, I was short with people & often mean when they didn't deserve it, I hibernated & pretty much shut out everyone who cared about me.

After 6 months I feel like I'm finally coming out of it & realizing that it wasn't me, it was him. But I still have a fiery, burning rage inside & if I have a chance at payback believe me, I'm gonna grab it.

Nevertheless, I'm starting to rebuild my confidence, feel better about myself, wake up in the morning & look forward to a new day, realizing that not only is my life OK without him, it's actually better.

Find a therapist (sometimes it's easier & better to talk to an objective observer), keep close to those who care about you, & do whatever you need to recover. You'll find a lot of support here, check in with us every day!
 
Hi, Amy! My heart goes out to you... I think we've all been "dumped" at one time or another and it does hurt. The pain can last for quite some time, but it does fade. It's just like getting a bad cut -- you bleed, then it scabs over and hurts, then it fades to itching, and soon the scar fades away. It's always part of you, but it ceases to be a factor in your life.

It's time to redirect some of your energy. Can you get together with family or friends this weekend? Or maybe take a weekend getaway with a friend -- go somewhere fun and do something fabulous.

How about getting involved in some new activities? Maybe sign up for a class or join an organization that supports a cause you care about. Direct your activities away from missing 'him'. Oh, the pain will still be there, but you won't have as much time to focus on it.

I tend to think he'll call you one of these fine days! And when he does, if you take him back into your life, you'll be setting yourself up to go through all this again. So that's a word to the wise today!!

Good luck as you continue through this.
 
Hi Amy,
We've been emailing each other, since I'm in a similar situation. Hang in there. My bf and I split after 3 year this weekend. He said exactly what your did. You would think we were dating the same person! It's sad, I'm hurt and angry, and I miss him so much. I'm going through the same emotions as you. But I'm moving on. WE'll see what happend. I'm just trying to stay focused and hoping whatever happens will be for the best. And it generally tends to be that way. I am wishing you all the best. Thanks for your support!
Lorrie
 
Dear Amy,
So sorry for the pain you're in. Your ex-boyfriend sounds a great deal like my husband's brother. Dated a great girl who was perfect for him. We all could see it. They broke up and reconciled a few times before it was finally over. Bottom line was that he wasn't ready to get married. He loved her, but just wasn't willing to take that step.
Fast forward 5 yrs. and he meets someone and they're engaged within a year, married the next yr, she gets pregnant on the honeymoon and now they have 4 kids. The big difference was that he was at a point where he felt ready to settle down. His wife is nice, but they don't seem as well matched. Not my life to live, so I keep my mouth shut, obviously.
Timing is everything and if your bf wasn't ready to commit, it's better to have found out now.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
(((Amy))))
Valerie
 
I hope that my story can help you a little. I WAS in a similar situation except I was the one who left at the 3 year mark. I would say around year 2 I wondered whether my SO would want to marry me at any point and when I'd bring up the topic he'd tell me he didn't want to get married ever or just not now. I'd wind up periodically during our last year together crying over this issue because although he loved me and didn't want to break up he also wasn't ready to marry me. He was 29 and I was just about to turn 30 when I ended it. The last year was too painful of just knowing that I wasn't going to get what I wanted out of this guy. We were BEST friends, went through so much together, had tons of fun together and it WAS a very special relationship. I ended it because I couldnt' be so upset anymore and he couldn't give me an answer. The thought of marriage upset him, made him ill. I struggled with my decision to end it over our last year together because our relationship was sooo great. I am now 32 and I don't regret my decision at all. I remember crying on the beach when his sister said "Yeah, my brother says he's never getting married" (to a friend of hers) I might not have found Mr. Wonderful yet but I believe I will and I had too much love for myself to let the whole thing go on any longer. A friend of mine also went through something similar and today she is with the man of her dreams who wants to marry her. Although it hurts...sometimes plan B is a much better plan. Be strong.
 
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