Pet or Allergic SO? -- opinions requested

S

seeking_guns

Cathlete
One of my close friends is in an interesting dilemma and I've been called in for counseling. I shared with her my opinion, but I was just wondering how other folks would weigh in on the issue.

The guy is newly-divorced and just moved into a new house - he hasn't had the dog living with him in over a year bc he wasn't allowed to have him in his apartment. Now the dog is back on the scene...He says the dog stays. He seems to think my friend should just pop a Benadryl or get an allergy shot and she'll be fine. The other night he complained about her sneezing, and they got into a fight. She has asthma in addition to her allergies and doesn't find the prospect of getting weekly shots (and copays) too appealing. They have been together as a couple for 6 months but they have been good friends for a number of years before that.

I'm curious...what would you do if your SO was severely allergic to one of your pets?

~Cathy :)

Those who indulge...bulge!

http://www.cartooncottage.com/images/scalestranslil.gif
 
IMO if the guy wants the relationship to progress, he needs to reconsider the dog. Ofcourse, now that he has the dog, maybe he knows his ex won't take it back and that could be problematic. He probably won't want to give the dog up to just anyone or worse-a shelter. I don't know what this guy's options would be for a good home for his pet so that could a part of why he has "the dog stays" attitude and is being such a jerk about it. This is a tough one!

ETA: Did this guy know about her allergies previous to actually taking the dog into his home? If so, this should have been handled long before the dog arrived.
 
I have always felt that animals shouldn't be something you just get rid of or throw out like the garbage because they are an inconvenience . Anyone who takes on the responsibility to raise an animal should take it as a life long committment. It looks like this guy has taken it as that which I am happy to see. I feel if this woman wants to date him and the guy is worth it, then she can get some medicine for this. I know a lot of people don't agree with what I say, but I can't help how I feel. Somebody has to speak for the little critters!:)

Barbara
 
Wendy,
Yes, he did know of her allergies. Over the course of their relationship, they have visited family/friends who are dog-owners and she has had a pretty miserable time of it when they do.

~Cathy :)
 
Pet Allergy Advice

Cathy:

I personally would kick his butt to the curb. He sounds very insensitive, and there may be a very good reason why he is divorced! He found a home for the dog when he needed to do so. Not only is he not compassionate about her suffering, but he is complaining about it as if it is her fault.

As an allergy sufferer, I can testify that it is not as simple as getting a shot or popping a Benadryl. A good allergist will tell you that these things only minimize the symptoms. I took allergy shots for years to no avail. I am a cat lover, but I cannot have one in my home. I love to hold and pet my friends' cats when I visit their homes. I cannot help myself. I adore the little furballs and wish I could have one! I remove my contacts and take a Benadryl before I visit someone with animals. I still suffer, but it helps. My allergies are not as severe as your friend experiences in that I do not have an asthma reaction. I mainly get itchy eyes and sneeze a lot. I have to be very careful to wash my hands and avoid touching my face or rubbing my eyes. If the cat is freshly bathed and groomed, allergies are less of an issue. Dogs are actually the worst animals to have indoors for people who suffer with allergies. Cats can be kept inside all the time. Dogs go outside daily and come back in the house with outdoor allergens trapped in their fur. By the way, it is the dander that causes the problem. The length of the fur is not an issue.

Here is a link to an article with a recommendation to find a good home for the pet but suggestions for those who are unwilling to do so:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pet-allergy/DS00859/DSECTION=9

Here is a link to another article:

http://www.acaai.org/public/advice/pets.htm

If he loves this woman, he needs to be willing to compromise and take some steps to help her such as bathing the dog more frequently (and using special shampoo), restricting the dog to as few rooms as possible, replacing carpeting with a wood floor, buying a vacuum cleaner with a HEPA filter, and investing in an air purifier. These changes combined with allergy shots or medicine may help.

I am not suggesting that he toss the dog out like trash. He needs to compromise though and be a part of the solution. I also think he should be willing to help her pay for allergy shots and medicine. If they are a couple with a future, this is their problem, not her problem. Where did the dog live for a year? Can the dog live outside? Is the house big enough to establish a pet-free zone? Does your friend live with him?

Blessings,
Heather B.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1 NIV).
 
Who knows if this relationship will last...I wouldn't give up a pet. But, then again, I'd probably never get involved with someone who had severe allergies to animals; they're just too important in my life.

That's just me.
 
Cathy - maybe your friend and her SO should go to her allergist together and have the doctor explain just what complications might arise from this situation. I had a friend died from an asthma attack at 35. It's not something to joke about and not something that is simple to take care of. I don't think he understands the extent of the danger she faces.

That being said, when I moved in my DH, I had two cats. He's allergic and his son was allergic and had asthma. We kept the cats (they have sinced passed on - they were older). But, I minimized the exposure by keeping the cats confined to the downstairs and vacuuming every single day. I made sure that cat fur was kept to an absolute minimum. And we did avoid problems that way.

I am also of the mind that a pet is a life long commitment, and I know dogs have a very tough time adjusting to a new family. There are certain breeds who never do. I think the suggestion of keeping the dog confined to certain rooms, and maybe having the dog sleep in a warm crate in the garage would also help. Anything to minimize the hair and dander. If he truly is a good friend as well as an SO - then he will be willing to compromise.
 
>Wendy,
>Yes, he did know of her allergies. Over the course of their
>relationship, they have visited family/friends who are
>dog-owners and she has had a pretty miserable time of it when
>they do.
>
>~Cathy :)

Well if that is the case then I say this guy is certainly not interested in having this be a serious and long lasting relationship. Either that or he's just a !@#$#@ who feels she should be the one to make all of the sacrafices to be with him while he does what he wants. UGH! Why would he knowingly bring an animal into his home that will cause her all kinds of allergic reactions if he were serious about her? I think she needs to kick him to the curb. It appears to me that he already made his choice (girl or dog) and now she needs to make hers.
 
You stated that your friend and her SO had been a couple for six months and that the dog had not been with him for a year. Was the guy always planning to take the dog back when he moved into a house, and was she aware of that? Was she maybe hoping that it wouldn't come to that or that he would change his mind b/c of her allergies? If they have been good friends for a number of years, she should have known that he was a dog lover, and he should have known about her allergies. I obviously don't know either of them, and maybe he is a total jerk and being insensitive and maybe she was hoping that he would choose her over the dog. Maybe this is his way of ending the relationship and making it seem her fault. I don't mean to sound judgmental or make assumptions, it's just that I am dog lover and I would not get hooked up with anybody who didn't feel the same way.

Someone suggested keeping the dog and working around her allergies by getting an air purifier, keeping the dog in certsin rooms, etc., and that is always an option if the relationship is that important to both of them. If it isn't, this is a setup for future arguments and resentment. JMHO.

MissL
 
I don't understand some of the responses! Why is the guy a jerk???? As far as I understand they are not living together, they have only been dating for 6 months and already he is supposed to get rid of his dog, for the sake of a relationship where noone knows where this is going.

After 6 months it is hard to say if the relationship will even last, what if they decide they like each other, but they are not meant to be as a couple. I do think he is doing the right thing by not getting rid of the dog.

She doesn't have to spend time at his house with the dog, if her allergies are so severe, they can meet at "neutral" places or at her place.



Carola
 
Hey Carola.

IMO it's not that he should get rid of the dog. My point is more that he knew she had bad allergies prior to getting the dog and still took him. That's fine if that's what he wants but then she should not be expected to put up with it. If they can come to some agreement where it'll be easier for her to deal that would be great but this guy doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship. Wether they have been together 6 months or 6 years, if he isn't willing to do a little give and take then he's not worth it.

JMHO. :)
 
Just to Clarify

Carola:

Wendy and I suggested kicking the man to the curb, not the dog! ;-) I think he is insensitive because he is complaining about her sneezing and fighting with her about it. She is not sneezing on purpose. It is not her fault! He seems to have the attitude of pop a pill, deal with it, and get over it. :eek: If the dog was all that important to him, he never would have rented an apartment for a year that did not allow dogs. Think about it. Would you move to a place that did not allow you to take your pets with you? I think there is more to this situation than meets the eye. The person who responded that he may be looking for a way out of this relationship may be right on target.

I am also under the impression that this is a serious relationship. Why else would Cathy be called in for counseling? I suggested compromising and taking steps to help her allergies because I understand that pets are not disposable. :)

I am sure that this is hard for you to understand because you have likely never suffered a severe allergic reaction that caused you to fight for every breath. Asthma is scary. MSG triggers an asthma reaction in me, and it is not something to take lightly. I personally like to breathe! ;-)

She may love animals just as much as he does. Just because her body is allergic to animal dander does not imply that she is not an animal lover in her heart! If I found a miracle cure for my allergies, I would adopt a cat from the local rescue in a heartbeat! :)

Blessings,
Heather B.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1 NIV).
 
RE: Just to Clarify

Hi Heather and Wendy,

I understand you point of view, however, you stated, that he knew that she had allergies and still brought the dog in. IMO, you can also turn it around and say, she also knew that he had a dog that was temporarily at a different place due to his circumstances.

With all due respect, just because Cathy is called in for counseling, it doesn't mean it is a serious relationship. A couple of my single girlfriends call me for "counseling" all the time on the new guys in their lives, even after only a couple of weeks.

What I am stating though, is, since they don't seem to live together, they should be able to find some neutral grounds (maybe at her place), so there is no trigger for her allergies and he can keep his dog.

Once they decide to move in together, I can see where this would cause a problem and they would have to find a compromise. But it should be a give or take from BOTH sides, not only one side.

And, no, I don't suffer from severe allergies, I feel for everyone who does but just because I don't suffer from allergies doesn't make me less qualified or understanding.

Carola
 
RE: Just to Clarify

I have appreciated reading the different perspectives -- it seems there are good points to be made on both "sides." Tough issue!

Just to address some of the questions that came up: yes, they are serious about one another.

Re: going to her place...apparently, he doesn't want to go to her apartment and leave the dog alone.

She did ask her allergist about the shot but did not get clearance for it for the moment bc of some complications with her asthma that the doc is attempting to address.

~Cathy :)
 
RE: Just to Clarify

Carola:

If I were casually dating a man who had a pet that caused an allergic reaction, it would not be an issue that would require counseling. I would take a Benadryl before I went to his home (as I do when I visit friends with dogs or cats) or do as you suggest and spend time together in another location. I was under the impression that this was a serious relationship when I wrote my response. This would not be an issue for me until I was thinking about marrying the man and living with him. I was writing from my point of view when I responded, and that may be way off base here. ;-)

I usually stay out of threads like this because it is hard to respond without knowing all the facts. I decided to write because I have some experience with this from her friend’s perspective and wanted to share a few suggestions that could possibly help. And, yes, all relationships involve give and take from both people. :)

I do not think that you are not a compassionate and understanding person. I am so sorry that you interpreted my post that way. What I was trying to convey is that someone who has never personally experienced severe allergies does not always know how serious the reaction can be. I know that many people think I am being a picky eater because I avoid certain foods, but they “understand” when they witness a severe reaction. I hope that makes sense, and I hope even more that my response did not offend you. It would be so much easier to have a conversation in person. :)

Blessings,
Heather B.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1 NIV).
 
RE: Just to Clarify

Heather, you made perfect sense (both of your posts;)). I couldn't agree with you more. Now can I have the Texas Sheet Cake Recipe:p :7
 
Texas Sheet Cake!!!

Michele:

Yes, you can have it, but you will have to work for it. ;-) My beloved Texas Sheet Cake recipe is your reward for completing Cathe’s March rotation with all the cardio! :9 Now stop goofing off on this computer and start sweating! Am I gonna have to come back to Hatesville and kick your butt?! :7

Blessings,
Heather B.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1 NIV).
 
RE: Texas Sheet Cake!!!

Okay...I'm going...I'll sweat...but just for YOU, Heather. :p :*

Sorry for the temporary hijack. Carry on.
 
RE: Just to Clarify

Heather:

I guess we have a similar point of view, just expressed it differently. It may be a matter of "you said, but I heard" :) on my part.

I just had the situation the other way around where my former boyfriend tried to convince me to get rid of my pets and even resorted to claiming he was allergic (I am not saying or implying that the lady we are talking about in this thread is doing that at all).

I also know that allergies can be devasting. A really good friend of mine lost his Dad to an astma attack.

I can understand both parties, and it is hard to give advise without knowing all facts and knowing the people involved, I totally agree with you. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. The guy may be a nice guy but may need some "education" on allergies and asthma.
I just wanted to state the other side as well, and went overboard.

Anyway, not one of my best days today! I have had a lousy couple of weeks, so if I sounded offensive, I truly apologize, didn't mean to!!!

Take care,

Carola
 
Hugs!!!

Carola:

I am glad you were not offended. No, you did not sound offensive at all. You sound like an animal lover! :) So many animals are abused and neglected, so it is good to have people who look out for them. We all filter things we read through our own experience. It makes sense why you responded the way you did in light of the experience with your ex-boyfriend. For some reason, I had the idea in my head that they might be living together. I do not know where I got that idea. Cathy just wrote that she has her own apartment. Had I known that, my initial response would have been a little different.

I read your other thread, and I am so sorry that you are having to endure so many trials this year. Hugs and prayers.

By the way, your avatar is adorable. What kind of puppy is that?

Blessings,
Heather B.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1 NIV).
 
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