OT - Divorced, Overweight, and Dating

K

katrid

Active Member
Hi all. I know this is wayyy OT here, but I value the opinions of everyone here. I don't post as often as I should, but I do feel like a family member in a sense that I read the forums at LEAST once a day. Here is my dilemma:

I am 36 and been divorced for three years now. Though I have dated here and there, I find that most men do not like women who don't have that knock out bod. At first I thought they were not worth my time, and all my friends and family kept telling me that I am a beautiful person on the inside and out, and the right guy would come along. Well, I'm getting pretty lonely, and that guy has not come along. I'm not ugly, but I am about 50-60 lbs. overweight, and I struggle with losing the weight. I have gone to these online dating venues, but I feel they these are just as much a meat market, if not worse, than the bar scene.

Does anybody have any stories or advice for me out there? I sometimes go to these online dating services and just read what these men are looking for, and I tend to fit the bill in every way except when it comes to the build they are looking for. When I tried replying to a few, thinking maybe they would maybe make an exception for an attractive woman with the qualities they are looking for, but heavier than their request, I find when you are upfront with them they tend to worry so much about "how much you weigh". I hate getting asked that question, yet I hate meeting face to face and having to feel that rejection afterwards when you don't get a call back.

I'm sorry for rambling. I'm just feeling very tired and lonely.
 
First suggestion, get thee to a library or go on line to do some research of how to best DRESS to flatter yourself. You can appear thinner by just changing the way you dress, and I KNOW Weight Watchers magazine has had articles like that. If you know you look good, you will feel better about yourself. I'd do that first.

Then, drop the online searching. I'd go to a church sponsored singles group. In Canton, they have a huge one sponsored by a big Methodist church that does stuff every day of the week.

Third, have you made a LIST of the qualities you want in a man? Do that next. Don't settle for less, and just picture this guy, and sit back and be patient.

How's that for a start?
 
Hi Honeybunch. You must be from Michigan?!?! I've thought about that singles church you were mentioning, though this must be a different one. The one I heard about was in either Northville or Novi.....can't remember. As far as dressing, I have done the flatter your figure dressing, and I guess I do get approached my males (not via online), but as you mentioned, they are not what I"m looking for. I guess I do need to be patient, but unfortunately this lonely feeling takes over! Thanks for the advice.
 
Hi!

I think Honeybunch hit the nail on the head when she said make a list of the qualities YOU want in a man. Alot of those guys who say they want a perfect body are the same guys who are overweight themselves and their only form of exerise is lying on the couch , curling a Bud and scratching themselves as they watch Sports Center :D

When I was in my mid 20s I was engaged to this guy, Ken. One night we were talking about other relationships and he told me about this woman, Karen, he had dated for 5 years, said he truly loved her, she was fun, exciting etc. and she wanted to get married. When I asked him why he didn't he said "she just wasn't attractive enough" (this was after she had a nose and chin job for him). I saw her pictures and I thought she was gorgeous and looked in excellent shape. Anyway, that statement really made me mad, it showed me what an absolute shallow jerk he was and I broke off our engagement. And to top it off he was only average looking. My point (and I do have one ;-) ) is that physical attraction isn't what makes a quality realtionship and anyone who focuses solely on that really isn't worth your time. If you get out and do the things you enjoy with friends or singles groups, through the church or wherever, you will meet people with common interests and make friends. From there, the sparks will fly I'm sure.

Try to concentrate on making yourself happy and I'll bet anything, once you're busy with that, a "Mr. Right" will find his way to you.

Lorrie
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jul-17-02 AT 11:35AM (Est)[/font][p]I do want to acknowledge the reality of what Katrid is saying though I also agree with lorax on the "morality" issues. The fact is that a large percentage of men care an inordinate amount about physical appearance. It is shocking how many fat men won't tolerate fat in women. My own fat brother is like this! It is amazing how much stock is placed in what a woman's body looks like, especially where sex is concerned. I've heard a guy reject someone because she had "sh*tty wrists". Exact words. And of course, youth is also an important factor as even thinness isn't enough if you look "too old".
You do need to keep looking for someone sincere and honorable, and they are out there, but there aren't very many of them, and the older you are the more of them are already happily married, so it gets even harder. Hard, but not impossible.
I just wanted to reinforce your observations and have you be realistic in your expectations.
That being said, do get out of the house and meet people, do volunteer work, go to bookstores, coffee shops, museums, gyms. They're out there, and you only need one!

A great movie about this idea "The Tao of Steve"
 
I don't have any advise for you, but I do want to express my sympathy. It is terrible that our society, and it is not just men, place such a premium on thinness.

My first reaction is to try and pysche you up and tell you that you CAN diet and you CAN lose weight. I don't think you'd be at this Cathe discussion board if you didn't want to yourself. But I know how hard it is to diet. I can't seem to lose the 5-10 pounds I'd like to lose myself.

I wonder if men feel this same way about their job status and income. Like, "Oh she won't want to date me, I am just a ___ and don't earn much money." I suspect they do, but to a lesser degree than women suffer from not being thin. I think we just tend to be harder on ourselves.

Jeanne
 
I think the wallet-size/career issue is the equivalent for men, and it really is a showstopper for men trying to date if they aren't financially well-off. It seems to be what most women care about most.
My fat brother encounters this all the time as he is a self-employed auto restoration person who never has any money. Well, I guess if he gets any money, he can be more choosy about fat women!
 
Hi!

Just my two cents -

I weighed 175 and was 5'3" when I started taking West Coast Swing and two-step dance lessons. I use to dance with the cutest guy in the class, truly a hottie. I don't know why he picked me, but we had fun.

Anyway, after he failed to show up at a local country bar to go dancing, that very same night I met the guy who I would eventually marry.

I highly recommend getting yourself to a dance class!!! Don't worry if you don't know how to dance. Remember, it's just the means, not the end. The guy I married isn't that great of a dancer anyway - but he's cuter than the guy I went to meet!

Susan G.
 
Hi all. And thanks for all the advice and input. Someone mentioned about writing down the qualities of what I want in someone, and I did just that today while at work. I took five minutes out of my day and wrote these things in my Franklin so I could refer back to it. I don't get out very often like I should, and for a few reasons. One: I'm a single mom with no child support, so my money is pretty strapped at doing too much. Two: I just feel very subconscious about what I look like period. If anybody has any ideas on what to do to get out there without spending alot of money at all, I would welcome the advice!!

Thanks again. You guys are great.
 
And oh yeah.......I tend to think "when I lose my weight" things will get better. Unfortunately the weight has not gone anywhere, other than a few pounds here and there, in the last few years. I feel like I just watch the days pass away.
 
What ages and sexes are the children? I raised a daughter on my own with no child support, so I can give you some suggestions.
 
me to... I'm a divorced mom... but have a good relationship with my ex and he supports the kids which helps a lot so I can't complain.

Personally I like being single, have a lot of good guy friends, not being in a relationship i have more time for my kids. My kids have ALWAYS been #1. Now they are teens but they still know they come first. Funny we just got back from vacation and I realize we totally are a complete family.

Sounds like you are motivated to work out -set goals and go for it... and maybe the other will come along but in the meantime go for it in the work out area Good luck
 
I have one daughter who is nine. She's such a good kid. Her dad is a wonderful father, and we get along great. I don't get child support because of our joint custody, but I would much rather him be a good part of her life. I do have time to myself, but even after awhile the company of my exercise videos can get rather dull. I just wish I could get a life. It is hard to move on when your heart was broken, and meeting jerks afterwards. I'm just lonely, I suppose.
 
Dear Katrid,
I have been there too. I was a single mom. Now I am married and I have lost 25 pounds and shaped up better than anytime in my whole life. But my husband married me before I did this! He loved me the way I was. He loves my son and vice versa.

I had given up on men. Then the next week I met my now-DH. It happens every day and it will happen to you too, because it's what you long for.

Being lonely is normal for people who are alone. God made Eve because he didn't want Adam to be lonely!

Hope you have a fun day tomorrow.
-Connie
 
I would suggest doing as many activities as you can that you genuinely enjoy. I think men are attracted to women who get on with their lives and do interesting things, rather than women who are "looking". That seems to send them running in the other direction.

Also, what about your standards? Do you expect the man you date to not be overweight. If you do, you should probably reconsider.
Remember that overweight men have to same problems you do.

You might want to check into learning a martial art if you have the time and money. That's one type of exercise that men like, and the dojo is not skimpy and skin tight. In the beginning, you may not meet anyone special, but you should make some good friends, and good male friends are not a bad thing to have.
 
Great advice Jane! Good male freinds are AWESOME!
As you said even if you don't meet someone special you'll be active, feeling good about yourself - not a bad place to be at all!

Guess I'm just too darn independent - plus with 2 kids I don't have much free time - maybe when they grow up and leave the house it will all change -

It's the happy balance between looking too much - totally blocked to meeting anyone- and being open to opportunities to meet. I'm way to into my independce, time with kids, doing outdoor activities (so probably in the blocked to meeting anyone category).

Good luck with everything and let us know how it goes!
 
Katrid:

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. Isn't it great that the educated crowd here is so supportive? Remember: you are never alone!

Make it rule number one in your life that you put yourself and your children first. Look after number one, and two and three. Keep your lives full, enriched, happy as can be with a wide variety of activities, extending the friends' network all that you can. Perhaps try to surround yourself with women friends and good friends for the whole family so that you are constantly buoyed up by good love and positive images of yourself as a loving human being. What your body looks like has absolutely nothing to do with this. How does your body feel? That's all that matters, you know it.

Make it a rule of thumb NEVER to see twice any man who asks you how much you weigh.

I have been lucky enough to find a partner who cares not a bit what I look like, how terrible my skin is (very bad acne scarring, etc), how I am the most short-sighted person in the world, etc. There are men out there who are first and foremost human beings, I promise you. When the love begins through friendship, laughter and a shared sense of humour, the physical appearance of either partner quite simply takes a back seat. My partner is about a foot shorter than me. Who cares?!

Looks for friendship: it's just possible that love may come right behind it. Chin up: we are all rooting for you...

Clare
 
Thanks everybody, for your advice and support. I am actually going to meet up with a few of my friends tonight (last minute) for a quick happy hour, so maybe that will lift my spirits.
 
RE: OT - Divorced, Overweight, and Dating (Semi-Update)

Hi there. Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I followed alot of peoples advice (including some of my friends and family here) and I met up with a few of my friends for happy hour last night. A male frien d of one of my friends showed up, and he was very nice. (this was not a set up) and I suppose everytime I went to the bathroom or whatever the guy would tell my girlfriend how pretty and nice I was. There were a few more men throughout the night who paid attention to me. I did exchange business cards with the guy my friend knows, not expecting it to go anywhere, but it just felt good and reassuring that there are men out there who still find me attractive. It was an ego boost so to speak. Thanks again for listening to me complain. I am hoping that I force myself to do something "fun" other than kid fun, at least every other week. I just don't seem to do anything like that anymore.
 
RE: OT - Divorced, Overweight, and Dating (Semi-Update)

Good you had a nice time - my only advice is savor this time with your kids - they grow up soo quickly. I have always put them first and the nice thing I have 2 teenagers who are really good kids - NO I'm NOT a parental in denial!! I think alot is because they always knew I was there for them and I put them first.

Good luck
 
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