OT - Angry 2nd wife wants thoughts

M

Marie1120

Cathlete
Hi All,
Have a situation and hoping for some thoughts. 2nd wife for almost 4 yrs now and the ex was the one that initiated the divorce from DH. But some of DH's brothers wives have stayed friends with the ex. Inviting her for Thanksgiving, etc. I thought that was bad enough but now we are planning a group gift for their father and heard that she wants to go in on this. I am very angry and think this is totally inappropriate. DH thinks saying anything will just make the situation worse. I think that if we don't it will just continue and soon she will be at every family function and have exactly what she wanted - his money w/o him to tell her that the kids should have some discipline and his family. And how would you even sign this b-day card - son #1 & wife, son #2 & wife, son #3 & wife and ex-wife??? Am I making too much of this or would you be upset? Please help??? Thanks.
x( !!!
 
Oh, I'd be mad. No question. It sounds like your husband's family hasn't gotten over his divorce, even though he has. I guess it's easier on the kids to have both parents there at holidays, but I think they are taking it too far with the family gift thing. I think she should be told that she's more than welcome to give the ex-father-in-law a gift, but she should do so on her own. I think, however, that it's up to your husband to tell her, rather than you telling her. Good Luck. It sounds like a very frustrating situation.
 
This is a tough one. In my opinion it is out of line to expect her to sever her emotional ties with his family. I think it is akward but if you can all be adults about it, it would be fine.

I think the classy thing to do would be to bit your tongue and just be polite and pleasant. There is a really great book out there called, :"Step-Wives".

I would recommend you read it. It may help you handle the involvement better. You deserve to have some peace regarding this relationship and I think this book will help with that. I can only imagine how hard it is to handle the emotions that would be stirred up with her participation. The only natural response would be to feel threatened. But i think it would be beneficial for all parties involved for you to retrain those feelings into generous behavior. You will only come out smelling like a rose with that one.

The most important thing is that the children are going to be watching to see how you handle this. I'm sure they would adore you even more if you show good will and accept her participation. Take the high road.

Good luck.

Danna
 
Just wanted to offer another opinion here. My husband and I are both crazy about his ex-wife. He in a thank-goodness-I'm-not-married-to-her kind of way. Me in a she-could-be-a-really-good-friend-under-other-circumstances kind of way. If she's the right kind of person, making a friend of her would certainly be an effective way to get rid of the "enemy." Oh, I know. It doesn't usually work out, but it's worth a thought.

Shari
 
I don't have a problem with being civil when we need to be at things together and she is the same although in the past she has refused to go to a relative's birthday party because I would be there. I have been across the room when DH is on the phone with her and could hear her yelling. She is not a nice person and does whatever to distance the kids from their father. I know if DH even called someone in her family she would be ripping on him but yet she seems to think she should be part of his family. I will check out that book but right now still very angry. Thanks.
 
FWIW, it is in my opinion *utterly inappropriate for her to be involved in the gift to your father-in-law. If she wishes to purchase a gift for him on her own, that is something else; but this is thoroughly out of line, both in terms of etiquette and in terms of plain psychological health - as in, "get on with your life." She is no longer a member of your husband's family. She has no place in this gift. I agree that you should be civil with her and gracious, but in this particular circumstance, she is trespassing, and I think you should make clear that, even should the family agree to let her take part in this gift this time (which they shouldn't) you will not tolerate it happening again.

Just my two cents.
 
Sounds to me like you have two problems - an ex-wife who won't let go of her presence in ex-H's life, AND sisters-in-law-in-law who, I'll bet a dollar, are enjoying creating a little reality TV in their own lives with this at your expense.

Wish I could help. Sounds like one gnarly situation.

A-Jock
 
Ain't it the truth, A-Jock! Yet another reason to despise reality tv.

Doesn't sound like there's much hope of a truce in this situation. You can't really win, Marie, no matter which way you go. Well, maintain your personal dignity, despite anything that happens, and you'll at least know in your heart that you've done right. I hope hubby is extremely supportive of you.

Shari
 
I have no first hand exerience with such scenarios, but I like Smurfette's ideas very much. Not that it will be easy, but you really don't want to sink to the level of the ex-wife, do you? You know, all the screaming, etc. I disagree that the ex-wife is no longer a part of your husband's family. She remains the mother of the grandfather in question's grandkids, and for that reason alone, is deserving of respect, courtesy and a welcome at the family table. Not for every occasion, mind you, that is your position, but a position nonetheless.

I also agree with the earlier poster that it seems more suitable, on this occasion, that she butt out of the "family group gift", now that her position is once removed, and purchase her own gift for him.

However, your position vis a vis the larger family group still seems tenuous in your mind, and this becomes a matter for your husband to deal with. It is his job to talk to his family members and request that they remain aware of the difficulty of the situation, that tact and delicacy are required, that you are to be treated as number 1 most important woman in your husband's life and are not to be made to feel unwelcome or to be playing second fiddle to the ex.

But time will surely help as the ex gets on with her life, you consolidate your position in the larger family group and the whole lot settles down.

Larger family groups always send headache relationships to deal with: insensitive, greedy, egotistical mother-in-law available for exchange: anyone?!!!!!!!!!!!

Clare
 
I agree that ex-wife is related to your father-in-law in that she is the mother of his grandchildren - but she is not the wife of his son, and so therefore has no business being at an event that focuses on him, the father-in-law. If this were a birthday party for the grandchildren, it would be different; but divorce is divorce. She's not part of the family.

I also completely agree with the above poster that you should be treated as the number one woman in your husband's life and should not be made to feel uncomfortable in order to accomodate his ex. Definitely good advice.
 
Thanks for all the opinions. This is a very tough situation and not sure if there is a best way to deal with it. I did tell DH that he needs to address this with his family or I will. I have tried just biting my tongue but with that she seems to butt into the family more. I think she is testing to see how far back into the family she can get. Many from her family ignore her because she is so odd. Not one to yell despite being half Sicilian but can still get my point across. The ex-wife was married once before and is engaged to some poor sole now. The youngest of the kids will graduate from high school next year and then contact with her will be needed less and less frequently although now we only get information that she has to share. I am quite worried about this youngest one though since he has more of her influence only. He is very odd - antisocial, hypochondriac, no manners or social skills. I think he weighs 130#s and is 6'1". Very sad. Anyway - the birthday party is next Monday so we will see how it goes.
 
DH agrees that this is out of line. We are all in favor of being frendly and civil and making this as painless for all involved, esp the kids. The ex has not always had this same philosophy with us and is friendlier and gives them more info than she does the father of the children. It has been tough for him but saying anything to her only makes her worse. She automatically assumes he is accusing her of being a bad mother. I am hoping though that if he addresses this situation with his family that they will still be able to remain friendly and socialize with her, as appropriate, while still maintaining family first loyalty. But maybe I am expecting too much? I think they just need to know where to draw the line in a complicated relationship. One of the other brothers is also divorced and remarried but no contact with that ex - DH's ex was smoking buddies with the other wives at family gatherings as these were the only smokers. I am not so don't fit in and hard to get close to my sister in laws when you know they freely share anything with the ex.
 
Marie I feel for you! I know what you are going through. I have horror stories of my own with DHs ex. Rest assured that this is a short season in your marriage. Once the youngest is 18 you two will not be obligated to speak with her anymore. As soon as my DHs children turned 18 we turned the ex off and dealt only with the kids. Worked out just fine.

Hang in there....there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep communicating with your DH and don't let this situation sour your marriage. Hopefully his family will get tired of trying to start up some drama war when they see they can't get to you and they will severe ties with the ex.

It does get better, believe me! ;-)
 
Thanks Vickie,
I know only one more year - well, actually 11 1/2 months!!! I was sure there were others who have psycho ex wives to deal with. DH finally said something to his father yesterday after biting our tongues for years. His father isn't quite getting it yet but his wife does (his 2nd but widowed). I'm sure there will be more discussions with them and the brothers this week. Nothing we can do about the ex but at least we can let the family know how we feel and our expectations.
 
Heard/Seen it from both sides -- LONG

Just to throw in a few words from the sister-in-laws viewpoint...

I have 2 brothers (B#1 & B#2) who were married then divorced. Because children were involved in both instances, my whole family took the "high road" meaning we made the former in-laws feel welcome if they had to come by for holidays to drop off the kids. They came in for drinks, etc.

The challenge is with first wives or husbands is that you typically have the first wive when you are younger when adult relationships are forming and people are still flexible to change. People get set in their ways and behavior patterns so they find it easier to cling to the old - in this case, the ex-wife. Maybe this is why your SILs are more comfortable talking with his ex.

For me, one of my sister-in-laws (#2 below) I had known from 5 years old, there is no way for me to disassociate myself from her because of divorce. She is a part of my life regardless of what happened in their marriage.

B#1 remarried and his new wife resented his ex-wife showing up at events with the kids. So, eventually it was his role to discuss it with his ex-wife. She never had a bad word to say about anyone in our family because we treated her well. But she did stop showing up as often.

B#2 and his ex-wife fought like cats and dogs after the divorce, my parents maintained neutrality for the kid's sake. Well, my brother died unexpectedly about 3 years after the divorce. My former sister-in-law never considered not giving us access to visit with the kids, to take them on vacation or to let us help in raising them. There is a Life lesson here -- we would all have been cut out of the lives of these 3 young men (my nephews) if we had taken sides in the relationship between husband and ex-wife.

Bottomline - your husband has to figure out how he feels then talk to involved parties and ask them to comply.
 
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