Opinions Please on DH problem--Sorry a little long

[peanut1129]

HI everyone,

I'm having a little problem with my DH and was hoping to get some objective opinions from all the wise people who frequent this board DH and I are getting ready to move to northern New Jersey(we currently live in Maryland). He will be leaving next Sunday to start his new job on the the 18th and will be returning home on the 22nd for the weekend. He will do this for about a month while I take care of us transitioning from MD to NJ.

Now, my parents who live about a half hour away and who we see on a regular basis have an invited us to a party at their house next Saturday. DH is adamant that he is not going because he has a lot to do to be ready to leave on Sunday. I was willing to accept this and said that maybe I would just go by myself for an hour. At first he was okay with this idea but now he is making me feel guilty(alright--I'm letting him make me feel guilty) for not spending the day with him. The party starts at 3pm so I thought if I was home by 4:30pm or so we still had most of the day together and all night. He feels that we see my family enough(we just saw them on Labor Day) and that he will be leaving the next day so I should be with him. Also, I kind of think that my parents are just throwing this party as an excuse for us to see them one last time before all this moving stuff starts to happen, so I know they will be hurt if I don't come.

So...am I being unreasonable to think it would be alright for me to go for an hour or so? I mean, DH is just going to NJ for 5 days and will be back the following weekend, it isn't as if he is going away for 6 months or something. I'm worried that I'm too close to this to really see things clearly.

Thank in advance for any opinions,

Jennifer

 

[CoralOcean57]

I think it's reasonable for you to go for a short time. Since he'll be busy getting things ready for his move, he's not going to be spending that much quality time with you anyway, right? It's almost the same as if you had to run out to do some grocery shopping or something, would he stop you from doing some errands too for an hour or two? I think going for a short time is a good compromise between not going at all and going for the entire evening. HTH

 

[sparrow]

Jennifer, I think it is perfectly reasonable to do both, go for an hour or so and spend time with your DH. Sounds like this is one of those situations where you are going to feel guilty if you choose one over the other, anyway! Maybe explain to your DH that you feel conflicted because you are getting a little bit of pressure for your time from both sides. If he knows that it is bothering you and making you stressed and guilty he may be a bit more understanding, or at least, do what he can to help alleviate your stress.

If he doesn't, hit him with a rolling pin.

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage

 

[delfin]

Before I could give you an opinion, what kind of party are your folks throwing? Is it a going-away party for you? Is it just getting the family together? Sounds like maybe your DH is having some stress about the new job/move. If it were me, and this party was just a family get-together, I'd hang out with DH. If he's going to be gone all week, every week, for a while... couldn't you see your parents during the week then?? Just my two cents.

 

[carrie123]

I agree with delfin, you will be able to visit your parents while DH is away. He probably is feeling a little insecure right now and probably needs to feel close to you, just you. Afterall, he didn't marry your parents

On another note, do you think he's feeling or is being made to feel guilty about taking someone's daughter away... I mean it sounds like you and your parents are really close...Do they seem to understand your moving away, do you think maybe they are resenting your DH a little for having to take you away from home and them...

I'm sure you have terrific parents, but on my end, my mother-in-law gave me such guilt trips for the longest time (years) when we moved away even though it was job related, she still resented me because she loves her son soooo much, it's hard separating...Even though we visited, it wasn't the same in her eyes anymore...

There could be other issues there...

Just my 2 cents...

 

[berry99]

Jennifer, I don't think that it is unreasonable of you to do both. Obviously I don't know your DH, but maybe he is a little nervous about your huge life changes and wants someone around all the time next weekend since he will be alone for a week. You know what I mean? I was just trying to put myself in his shoes and maybe he just wants to maximize his time with you before he goes to scary NJ by himself . I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes I get a tad irrational when big life changes are coming my way.

Karin

 

[peanut1129]

The party is just a family type get together, but I don't think they would be having it if we weren't moving away. And, honestly, I would have preferred if my parents had NOT decided to do this. In fact my first thought was that I really didn't want to have to spend that day with 'my family', but, like Sparrow said, I'm kind of being put in the middle between what my parents need and what DH needs. I would just go and see them during the week but I feel bad that they have already gone to the trouble of planning all this food and inviting other people.

Jennifer

 

[peanut1129]

Oh, I definitely think my parents are a little upset that he is "making" me move away. That's what makes this so hard. I am really close to my parents, expecially my dad, and I really hate the idea of hurting their(his) feelings. That is why I was hoping that I could kind of do both things so no one would end up hurt, but I guess I really wasn't hinking about how hard this move is going to be on my DH and how lonely he will be up there in NJ all by himself:-(

 

[seeking_guns]

Personally, I think if they went through the trouble of throwing a little get-together for you guys, it's not so much to ask for him to give up an hour or so of packing and BOTH of you go. They're your parents -- and you're going to be seeing a lot less of them soon -- so if your husband refuses to go or at the very least, he can't handle YOU going for a little while, he needs to snap out of it and be a big boy. Five days apart is not a big deal.

Good luck!

 

[pink_fortitude]

I would def stay with DH for the reasons that delfin and carrie mentioned. You will have plenty of time for family when DH is gone for the whole week, and your DH isn't taking you away from family; he is moving to a job that will provide for your family - so he is really taking care of their daughter.

Missy