offending people, what they think of you, etc...(long)

banslug

banslug

Cathlete
I'll try to keep it short. I'm wondering what, if anything, to do after you offend somebody (or a group of somebody's)????

Here's the situation....

DS's team played the #1 undefeated baseball team tonight, so it was intense since the second the kids stepped on the field for batting practice. One of their (the other team) 'star' players was absent from school today because he was sick. His dad is one of the head coaches, and the boy was at the game playing. When I was growing up, the rule was...absent from school, can't play the game. So a few kids on OUR team were asking their parents, who in turn asked ME, since I'm involved in the league now (albeit, in a minor role, but still involved with the behind-the-scenes stuff). I didn't know, so I went and asked the lady who IS in charge of the leauge (her grandson is on the OTHER team, mind you), and although she wasn't positive, she said she didn't think there was a rule. OK....I go back to my seat on our side of the field.

All done, right?

WRONG!

30 minutes after we get home tonight, I get a call from the head coach of the other team, the coach/father whose son was absent from school yet played tonight. Get this. He asked me if I "tried to get his son ejected from tonight's game"? HUGH????? How did my simple question get misconstrued like this? He went on to say that we was offended by even the QUESTION I posed to this lady about school absence and playing in a recreational game. PLUS...that it wasn't just from this lady, but OTHERS at the game, from whom he heard this.

Needless to say, I pled my case, explained WHY I asked the question in the first place, and apologized if he was offended in any way by my question.

Now I'm all upset. As in TEARS, uncontrollable tears. I HATE the thought that somebody thinks I would try to get a kid ejected from a stinkin' LITTLE LEAGUE game. I HATE the thought that my FRIENDS (the coaches) and their wives (also my friends) AND the other parents may think I would have been coniving to do such a thing.

SO.........what do you do when you INADVERTENTLY offend somebody?
Should I really worry about what they think?
I can't address each parent, so how do I MENTALLY let this go and move on?
How do I not feel awkward at our next social gathering or sports event?

SHEESH! All this over a question!

;( Gayle
 
I'm like you Gayle. I hate to think that people think something bad of me. Even when they are the one being a jerk, I still hate to think they are mad at me. There's something about kids sports that bring out the worst in people too, I swear! I coached my old high school volleyball team for one year and that was enough. I honestly would have thought the kid wouldn't have been allowed to play either. You darn well better believe that if that coach/parent had though someone on the other team had broke a rule, he would have run straight to the judge. So don't let him give you a guilt trip about asking a simple question. It sounds like he needs to grow up. (((HUGS)))
 
RE: offending people, what they think of you, etc...(lo...

Wow...that's a tough one. You know, you really didn't do anything wrong. It's perfectly reasonable to ask a question, especially as a representative for all of the others wondering the same thing.

>So a few kids on OUR team were asking their parents...
They were clearly looking for a definition of what the rules are. When our kids ask questions, we should do our darndest to get them an answer.

Frankly, even if you had the opinion that a child "sick" enough to miss school on game day should sit the game out you would be entitled to say so. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and no one has to agree if they don't feel the same. My guess is that the dad was hypersensitive to any comment (regardless of the source) because he knows he was in the wrong.

>I HATE the thought that somebody thinks I would try to get a kid ejected from a stinkin' LITTLE LEAGUE game...
Remember that the "somebody" you're referring to here is a man who feels it's okay to teach his son you can pick and choose what obligations to honor in life and that if someone doesn't appear to agree with your choices then you can bully them.

>I HATE the thought that my FRIENDS (the coaches) and their wives (also my friends) AND the other parents may think I would have been coniving to do such a thing...
Those that are your friends will know that you weren't "coniving", but even if you were, they would likely agree with you.

>PLUS...that it wasn't just from this lady, but OTHERS at the game, from whom he heard this...
Or so he says.

Please don't shed another tear on this a$$. Remember that HE'S the one who jumped to the conclusion that you were judging him, his kid, his parenting...whatever.

I've been lurking here a long time...enough to know that you're supportive and fair minded, ready to offer good suggestions and encouragement. You're working hard to raise your kids right, so hold your head high and let anyone think what they will...This is your life so don't even give him another moment of it!
 
RE: offending people, what they think of you, etc...(lo...

Gayle, I mostly lurk here too, but couldn't believe how unfairly you were treated! If you don't attend school, you don't play in the game, period. And that is a rule here in my town (everywhere else, last I heard). So your question was not without merit. This Father that called and confronted you, is way out of line, IMO. Someone ought to set him straight, he is not above reproach. The favortism and bad examples in kids' sports today is such a shame. Really. Hold your head up next time you see these people (cowards, if they used you as a scape goat) and make no apologies, you were 100% in the right.
Good Luck
Carolyn
 
RE: offending people, what they think of you, etc...(lo...

Gayle,

Most coaches I know do not let kids play in the game if they've missed school or the previous practice. The kids know this, so it's understandable that they'd question it.

So, in the rec league, apparently that policy doesn't exist, and it is up to the coach's discretion. http://www.sciforums.com/images/smilies/shrug.gif But it was a reasonable question to ask. And I bet some parents on HIS team were wondering the same.

Personally, I don't think there's anything you can or *should* do to "make things right" because you did nothing wrong. Keep smiling and being your outgoing self. The people who know you aren't going to think any differently about you. Actually, they probably appreciate you speaking up about it.

[font face="bradley hand itc" size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

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Hello Gayle,

You did absolutely NOTHING wrong and stop fretting about it now. I think what you did was correct, in fact, if it was me I would be making a bigger fuss about it and would TRY to get this child evicted from the game. How on earth can they justify him being fit enough to play sport and not fit enough to attend school? If I was a teacher and I saw that I would give him detention for truancy. No, I do not agree with this policy at all and it is not acceptable.

I wouldn't give two hoots what this other parent has to say about it to be honest, he obviously has other priorities for his child and education is not one of them. You know now what kind of person his child will grow up to be - a meat head!


Yen
 
Gayle,

That parent was out of line. Maybe he had a bad day and took it out on you. Or maybe to his strange way of reasoning what you did is unfair. Some people just have wierd ways of seeing things. Harmless or even wise acts (which is what I think of your act of checking) seem "wrong" to them. Or maybe he has anger management issues.

You did nothing wrong.

I think "OTHERS" that he heard it from is likely to be just one person and even she/he may have mentioned it casually.

At the next social gathering, I bet you will realize your trepidation that the whole group feels like this parent is unfounded. Most parents want their kids to develop a balanced interest in acadamics and sport. Enforcing guidelines is a part of responsible parenting. Parents who think it is OK for a child who misses school to flaunt the rule about being excluded from sport are a minority. It is highly unlikely that your community is an exception.

~* Vrinda *~
 
>>>>I think "OTHERS" that he heard it from is likely to be just one person and even she/he may have mentioned it casually.

Gayle, I agree with this comment from Vee. This was my first thought. He's likely just a whiny guy who had a bad day and figures he can cause trouble with you.

You are a great mom. Shake it off. You helped out the kids who were asking for help. He probably just felt convicted about letting the boy play who really should NOT have been playing.
 
Gayle, I think the coach must have been feeling guilty in the first place, for letting his son play, when the almost universal rule in any sport at any level is no school, no play. Especially since he blew the whole thing way out of proportion by calling you at home and giving you a hard time. Try not to worry about him. You can't make everyone in the world happy, or like you, no matter how hard you try. The people who know you will know you didn't try to get the kid ejected. Avoid discussing the issue, which will only keep the gossip mills turning. Hugs.
 
I agree with Robin. Least said, soonest mended. Gayle you did nothing wrong, so don't let him "win" by eating yourself up inside. Remember that the folks who are your friends won't believe any gossip anyway. If this guy is that quick off the mark he's probably had trouble with other parents as well, and most likely has a reputation of his own!

And, this kind of thing tends to blow over quickly. Nattering ninnies are easily distracted, and the next little drama will soon have their attention.

Sparrow

"The winds of grace are always blowing but it's you who must raise your sail." - Sri Ramakrishna
 
Oh you guys are great!!! On the one hand, I'm glad he called me so I know what people are talkin' 'bout....yet now that I know, I'm all upset.

I understand that the less I say at this point, the better off I'd be, but what I'm MOST concerned about is what the ladies think/say. I know these men; I've known them for 10 years; I also know their competitive side. I wonder if THEY had won the game (yes.....we ended up WINNING that game last night, giving them their first loss}( }( }( ), if he would have even bothered to call me!

I didn't sleep well last night, as I expected. And I have a nagging need to call and just chat with the ladies this morning. I know I shouldn't.....but........

THANKS YOU GUYS! I truly appreciate your support! Since most of my friends/acquaintances/neighbors (sp?) were involved last night, I certainly needed the advice from YOU GUYS....my other group of TRUE FRIENDS!

ONWARD AND UPWARD, right?

Gayle
 
Gayle,

This horses' a$$ isn't worth one missed minute of sleep, though I do see why it would affect you. You have a heart of gold, and you care, and there's nothing worng with that!!

Get your mind off him, and back on the eye candy that you so apprently love..;)

Sending hugs your way through cyber space until I see you in July!
 
I agree w/ everything that Jerry said! Don't waste your thoughts on this because you didn't do anything wrong. Just think of it as getting him to be a better parent by making sure his son goes to school when he isn't really sick. :)

Missy
 
Gayle (((HUGS))) You did nothing wrong and you know it. Sounds like a classic case of gossip and innuendo. It's human nature to worry about what others think of us and to want everyone to like us. To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with calling a couple of those ladies and setting them straight. It'll ease your mind and perhaps give them pause next time the rumor mill starts back up again. Sheeeesh, what a shame that kids sports have come to this!! You have more important things in life to tend to.

take care!
Catherine
[font color= purple size=+3]Catherine[/font]

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Number 1, if you live at all you aren't going to make everybody happy. try to treat everyone fairly and measure it against the Golden Rule and you should have no trouble sleeping.

The missing school/ can't play rule. How did that evolve? If the league is a school sponsored league then that should be spelled out in the rules. Obviously if a kid misses school for an illness then how can he play? What if he missed for a dentist/doctor appointment? Family members funeral?

Fast forward to high school... the kid is out for a college interview would he be allowed to pay then?

We had the opposite battle. Both my kids competed in non school sponsored sports, karate and figureskating, they threatened us with the truant officer if our kids missed school for their sports.

So we asked the principal, how is ok that the football/basketball/lacrosse/baseball/etc/etc team can have a day off for road games. How can the French club have a few days off to go to Montreal? Was the truant officer going to chaperone?

Rules should be spelled out on paper, but everything needs to be considered when those rules are written.
 
Dave, rec leagues are not usually governed by school rules of being in attendance or academic elifibilty.

That said, this guy is really giving the kid the wrong message. Baseball more important than school. In the end, the kid will lose out.

I find rec leagues can be very intense, Gayle, if HE brings it up again, state your case again, otherwise drop it, shove it aside, hold your head high, you did nothing wrong.
 
WOW! I'm glad the 2 gentlemen chimed in, because there was a point last night where I started wondering if I, as a woman and mom, am seeing this differently than a man and dad would.

Here's the latest. I had to follow my heart, so I called my closest friends (the ladies/wives/moms) and spoke to them...3 in all. 2 of them said they had heard that the question was posed, but hadn't given it another thought because 1)it was ME who asked and they know me, and 2)they considered the source, the lady to whom I posed the question in the first place. That made me feel much better. The 3rd person I spoke to was actually a dad an the assistant coach of that other team, and he said he also didn't give it a second thought. NOW...I understand that's what they're TELLING me, and I just have to trust it. I spoke my BRIEF case to them and explained HOW the question came up in the first place.

NOW.....

I sent the PARENTS of this kid (remember, the dad is the head coach) this email: (copied and pasted):

I wanted to call you guys tonight after I got my kids to bed, but it was after 9 by then and I didn't want to wake anybody up at your house. As much as I'd rather tell you this in person, I don't think you want me in tears, blubbering it out!

I promise this will be my last comment on this situation, and I certainly don't expect a response on your part. But I just can't stand the thought that I offended you guys tonight. I apologize that my question, as innocent as it was intended to be, got misconstrued, misunderstood, or misinterpreted by you or anybody else that may have taken the liberty of passing it along to you.

Please know that my intentions were not, in any way, meant with malice.

I can only hope that my reputation and personality, as you have known it for the past several years, speaks LOUDER of who I am, rather than this single incident.

Again, I apologize if I offended you.

Sincerely,
Gayle


HERE WAS THE MOM'S RESPONSE:

Gayle,

I appreciate your apology and I accept it. However, if I don’t let you know what’s on my mind I will be secretly harboring resentment. I’d rather not do that so I’m laying the cards on the table and letting you know what’s on my mind. After this I will never say another word about it to you or anyone.

I guess my first problem is, why does anyone even CARE if MY son was absent and WE, as his parents, felt he was well enough to play? If someone else’s child showed up after being absent from school I would have just thought he was feeling better. It would never even cross my mind to see if a “RULE” existed as to whether or not he could play. Since this is not run through the school, I feel it is OUR decision what is best for our children and everyone else should mind their own business.

Second, I’ve always considered you to be an intelligent woman. The fact that you had no idea that your inquiry could have had Anthony removed from the game is hard to believe. It HAD to occur to you that, minimally; another parent may ask that he doesn’t play, or that the game doesn’t count- whatever. If it was a child of lesser skill, would anyone question if he could play? I wonder… It definitely feels like a personal attack on my 10 year old. If it happened to Jacob or Zachary it would feel the exact same way to you. As an involved parent, I’m sure nothing gets you more upset than someone doing wrong to your child. I guess the fact that you represented the lynch mob is what is truly surprising and very hurtful.

Anthony is aware that someone questioned whether or not he should be playing. We have not and NEVER will tell him who it was. But, I just want you to know his first reaction was, “I’m good friends with Jacob so NO WAY would it be his mom. Who was it?” If the bat would have been taken away from him by your hands he would have been devastated.

There. I’ve aired my thoughts and now you know what’s been going through my head all night. I accept the fact that maybe your question was poorly timed and that no malice was intended. Since there was no harm done, I truly will move past this. I consider you a good friend of mine and I’m not willing to sacrifice that.

(signed by the mom)


I just have to get over this, I know. I will. I have to just put it behind me, accept that I can't make everybody happy, and move on!

THANK YOU....all of you, for your input, advice, and PMs on this!!!!
Hopefully this is the end of it all!

Gayle
 
RE: offending people, what they think of you, etc...(lo...

Oh my, I remember those days when DS was playing ball. There is always so much drama, and it's usually parent induced. I don't miss that time of our lives one little bit.

I wouldn't worry one more minute about what any of them think of you. I think it's ridiculous the way some parents behave. What are they teaching their kids? Most kids sports have become a parent drama hotbed, and I am so darn thankful I don't have to particpate and worry about it anymore.

You did nothing wrong. Don't give them any more power over you to feel bad. And don't call them seeking "forgiveness". Let it go.

ETA: Gayle, we posted at the same time. Personally, I think the Mom's response was over the top. She's got way too much invested in playing the martyr and letting her "hurt" rule the situation. I'd be careful around her from now on. She doesn't sound very mature to me.
 
RE: offending people, what they think of you, etc...(lo...

JeanneMarie-yeah, you can count on it that I'll be more careful with that family. I'm not sure that I believe her son actually SPECIFICALLY said he "knew it wouldn't be" me!

ANYWAY, everybody, again...

[font color=red]THANKS!!![/font]

Gayle
 
It sounds to me like the other parent KNOWS his kid shouldn't have been playing if he stayed home from school, and that he's upset that someone noticed.
The fact that you asked about it, and word was travelling just made him look guilty and pushy, like an overbearing and overcompetitve coach.
That's the impression I get.

Either way, you did NOTHING wrong. I would've given this guy a piece of my mind and called him out on it for having the audacity to bark at me for this. But, I'm a little more brazen than most, I think. :)

Please don't be upset. This was not your fault to begin with. So don't let this guy - bad day/good/bad intentions, whatever - upset you. He was the one that was out of line.
 
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